Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

Up to this point, we have been changing different nonverbal aspects of a voice in order to change your response to it. Now we turn to different ways to add to your experience in order to change your response to a voice. A general principle in NLP is to never subtract experience; always add to it. Subtracting experience reduces your choices and abilities; adding experience increases them.

Instrumental music has been used for thousands of years to elicit feeling states in people — martial music to march off to war, lullabies to help children relax and go to sleep, romantic tunes to woo a lover, and on and on.

Music is processed primarily in the right hemisphere of a right–handed person's brain, the hemisphere that does not process language, so it is less conscious, and less subject to your conscious control. If you deliberately choose to hear music internally that evokes the kind of feelings that you want to have more of, you can have more control over how you feel.

For example, Richard Wagner's "The Ride of the Valkyries" is a stirring and triumphant piece of opera music that celebrates the transportation of fallen heroes to heaven. Over half a century ago, I had a series of experiences that paired meeting a challenge — with no further time to prepare — with hearing this music played at full volume — and from many sources, and out of synchrony. Ever since then, whenever I am facing a challenge, that music automatically begins playing in my head, creating a very positive state that supports my efforts to meet that challenge. Whatever else was going on in my life "takes a back seat" as I focus completely on what needs to be done.

Very early in the development of NLP, someone discovered that thinking of a problem, and then adding in loud circus music helped some people have a different attitude toward their problem. Rather than being mired in their difficulty, they could think of it as if it were another stunt in a circus — something to observe with interest and excitement.

However, others who added circus music to a problem became angry, because thinking of their problem as another circus stunt did not fit their world at all. Although changing their response from the problem state to anger showed that the music made a significant change in their response, it was not a change that was useful to them, or that they enjoyed. Adding a particular kind of music may or may not fit with someone — unless, of course, they choose it themselves.

If you think about a problem that you experience fairly often — getting depressed, feeling slighted by others, angry, anxious, overwhelmed, or whatever, you can ask yourself, "What kind of music would change my state in a useful way?" …

If you frequently get somewhat "down," or depressed, would a lively gypsy tune or a folk dance bring you "up" again? Or would a thousand violins playing a slow dirge exaggerate how you are feeling, making it seem a bit ridiculous, and less serious or overwhelming? If you experiment with different kinds of music, you can find some pieces that will be useful in changing your state in a way that is useful to you.

Think of a problem mood that you slip into repeatedly, and would like to have more choice about… .

Now think of some music that might possibly be useful to pair with this mood, and hear this music in your mind… .

As you continue to hear the music, think of a time when you felt this problem mood strongly, and notice what happens… .

Then try a different piece of music, and another, … until you find one that shifts your mood in a useful way… .

Then make a mental note to play this music in your head at those times in order to offer you more choice… .

Most psychiatrists think of compulsive hand–washing as a problem that is very difficult to treat. Below is a lovely example of using a meaningful piece of music to quickly change this problem in a single brief session. This example was sent to me about a year ago by Ron Soderquist, an NLP–trained hypnotherapist in the Los Angeles area.

Bev was already talking to herself in a way that made her feel bad, and that bad feeling triggered her hand–washing. The Chopin nocturne was powerful in eliciting a positive state in which she had no urge to wash her hands. If Ron had added some cheerful words, that could have created conflict. However, adding instrumental music does not create conflict, because the music does not have any words to contradict what she was saying to herself. In addition, music is processed by the opposite brain hemisphere than the one used to process language, so any conflict would be between the hemispheres, rather than within one of them. Adding any music without words is a fairly safe intervention, especially if the person chooses the music that they think might be appropriate — and tests to find out how well it works.

Some readers might think that this example was a unique case, but it is actually fairly common. Ron sent me a report about another client he saw recently.

Adding a Song

So far we have only been making changes in the nonverbal aspects of your experience, without changing the words that an internal voice says. This changes your response without changing or challenging the words that a troublesome voice says. Next we are going to begin to experiment with adding words to change your experience of a troublesome voice. We will begin our experimentation with adding a song, which has both verbal and nonverbal aspects. This is a bit more complex than changing nonverbal aspects alone, because the words of the song may oppose what the troublesome voice says.

If you have two voices in opposition to each other, that will create conflict. Most people have enough conflicts to begin with; we really don't want to add to that! So in the exploration that follows, be especially attentive to any response that indicates that some aspect of you objects to what you are doing, and respect that by stopping. You can try something a little different until you find something that no part of you objects to.

Everyone knows how a song, a jingle, a phrase, or some other auditory experience can get stuck in your head, playing endlessly, and often annoyingly. Trying to stop it is typically not effective. In fact that usually makes it stronger, because as we try to stop it, we devote even more attention to it, when what we want is to pay less attention to it.

The trick is to choose something that is more useful to you than whatever is repeating annoyingly, and a really good choice is some song that has a desired effect on your feelings. You can think of some song that has a positive effect on you, and deliberately sing it to yourself over and over, until it becomes an unconscious background music, a sort of "mantra."

One of my favorite songs for this is "I'm sitting on the top of the world." Another is "I got plenty of nothing," from Gershwin's musical Porgy and Bess. Another, sung by Rita Coolidge, I have forgotten the title of, but the lyrics go, "You can do whatever, … you want to do whatever, … you want to, and you'll never die."

It doesn't matter what song you choose, as long as it elicits a feeling state that you find uplifting or mood changing in a way that you like. A song is a great way to establish and maintain a mood early in the day, and it can also change your mood when you find yourself in a mood that you don't like.

Pause now to think of a troublesome mood that you have experienced repeatedly… .

Now think of a song that you find powerful and uplifting, and that you think could be a useful way to change this troublesome mood… .

As you continue to hear the song, think of a time when you felt this problem mood strongly, and notice what happens… .

Then try a different song, and another, and another, … until you find one that shifts your mood in a useful way… .

Once you have found a song that you find useful, deliberately sing it to yourself for a while, until it becomes automatic. If you don't know the words or melody well enough to do this, find them and practice them, so that you can. Once you have done this, all you have to do is start singing the song and it will continue on its own as a background as you turn your attention to other things. When you pause from attending to those other things, you can notice that song playing quietly in the background of your mind, maintaining your good mood.

You can also take a further step to make this connection even more automatic. If you periodically get into an unpleasant mood in certain situations, or in response to certain external cues, your can imagine being in that situation, noticing those cues. Then turn on the song that you have chosen, to connect it to the situation and cues, so that they automatically trigger the song. Rehearse this several times right now, and then check later to find out if it has already become automatic, or if you need to practice it some more until it does… .

In the earlier part of this chapter, we added music alone, but a song is usually even more powerful, because it has both words and music. Music is processed in one hemisphere of your brain, while the words are understood by the other hemisphere, simultaneously activating both hemispheres with different aspects of the same message. This makes it much more powerful than either the melody or the words would be alone.

Caution

As mentioned earlier, when you add a song to your experience, the words of the song may be in opposition to whatever you are already saying to yourself. For instance, if you have been saying to yourself something like, "Everything is going to hell," and you add the song, "I'm sitting on top of the world," those two messages are contradictory. This has a potential for creating conflict, and we don't want to do that.

Sometimes when I first sing a song with words that are significantly different from my current mood, it seems artificial, or I have tears resulting from the conflicting moods, but often the song quickly takes over and my mood changes.

However, if you experience some discomfort, conflict or incongruence that does not resolve quickly when you add a song, please respect that, and stop what you are doing. You could try choosing another song that doesn't create conflict. Or you could delay using this approach until you have learned how to add words to your experience without creating this kind of conflict. This will be a major topic in many of the following chapters. Next we will begin to explore some specific ways to talk to yourself that avoid causing conflict.

4 Talking to Yourself Positively

Try saying the sentence, "What else can I enjoy right now?" to yourself, and notice how it changes what you attend to, and how you feel in response… .

That sentence directs your attention toward what you can enjoy in the present moment, rather than the complaints and problems that so often occupy our attention and make us feel bad. Even in the worst situation there is always something to enjoy, so this instruction never contradicts your reality. And it also doesn't contradict any grumpy voice that is complaining about all the nasty stuff. It doesn't oppose it by saying "but," it just directs your attention to other aspects of your experience, saying "and," joining what a critical voice might be attending to with noticing what you can enjoy. If you say that sentence repeatedly until it becomes an unconscious mantra it can reorient your life.

Contrast can often clarify and deepen your understanding of how things work. Notice what happens if you replace the word "enjoy" with "criticize," "disparage," or "be disgusted by" or some other negative word or phrase, just for a short time to notice what that is like… .

That sentence directs your attention in a very different way, and could easily result in plenty of unhappiness, or even depression. Many depressed people talk to themselves in this way without realizing it. Attending to what you don't like results in unpleasant feelings; attending to what you can enjoy results in pleasant feelings.

But there is another subtle aspect of the sentence "What else can I enjoy right now?" This becomes apparent if you delete the word "else," to get "What can I enjoy right now?" Try saying this sentence to yourself repeatedly, and notice how you feel in response, and how that is different from how you feel in response to the same sentence with "else" in it… .

The sentence "What can I enjoy right now?" has a very different effect, because it implies that you aren't enjoying anything right now — even though that is not a logical consequence of the statement. Most people will respond to this implication by feeling the opposite of enjoyment. When I say this sentence to myself, the tonality is slower and the pitch is lower, and I feel a heaviness, lethargy, somewhat depressed, because it sounds a little like a teacher telling me what I should do.

The word "else" in the first question presupposes that you are already enjoying something. So you naturally feel some enjoyment — as your attention searches for something else to enjoy. What a difference a single word can make!

And of course you can replace "enjoy" with any other verb that indicates what you want more of in your experience — learn, love, appreciate, see more clearly, understand, etc. Try saying to yourself, "What else can I learn right now?" repeatedly to see how that directs your attention, and how you respond… .

Now pick another verb to put in the place of "learn" to find out what that is like… .

And then do the same with "love" or some other words, and discover what that is like… .

Affirmations

Many people advocate repeatedly saying positive affirmations to themselves, as a way to change their beliefs about themselves and improve their lives. Affirmations originated with Emile Coue (1857–1926) who advocated saying the following sentence repeatedly, until it became an unconscious background mantra: "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better."

There is a serious problem with this particular affirmation in the repeated word, "every." It will never be true that every day and every way I am getting better. Reality just isn't like that. Even if I am getting marvelously better in many ways, it won't be in all ways. Most of us have an internal voice that listens for universal statements and challenges them — and those who don't have that kind of voice would be better off having one! If I say Coue's statement to myself, it stimulates my internal voice to find the exceptions to that universal generalization. It might say sarcastically, "Yeah, right! How about the way you snapped at your wife this morning — is that better? How about that sore knee that flared up yesterday, so that you're hobbling around this morning — is that better? I don't think so."

So even if the idea of affirmations might be worth pursuing, we need to be very careful about the words that we say to ourselves, or they may backfire and produce opposite results. Any universal words, like "all," "every," "always," will usually stir up an antagonistic voice, and that may result in decreasing your optimism! But there are other problems with affirmations that may not be immediately apparent. One web site says the following about affirmations:

The goal of having internal voices that are positive sounds very attractive. However, if we examine this prescription a little closer, the idea of adding positive affirmations presents a few problems. If we assume, as the quote does, that most of us "grow up learning to put ourselves down for any real or imagined error" what will happen when we introduce a new voice that is positive and supportive? There will be inevitable conflict between these opposite views. In addition, the old put–down voice is likely to redouble its efforts to disagree with the supportive voice. That may result in our putting ourselves down even more than we did before adding in an affirmation.

According to Wikipedia, "For an affirmation to be effective, it needs to be present tense, positive, personal and specific," and another site offers the following examples:

"I am healthy, happy, wise and free"

"I am surrounded by people who love me."

These examples include the four criteria mentioned in wikipedia, but they don't quite match my reality.

Although "I am healthy, happy, wise and free" doesn't have a universal "all" in it, it is implied, and I don't know of anyone who is always healthy, happy, wise, or free. If I say this to myself when I am sick, sad, stupid, or feeling stuck, that will contradict what I experience, and it won't be very useful.

How often is it true that you are surrounded by people who love you? You might have several people around you at home who love you very much, but at work or in the grocery store there are probably at least a few others who are indifferent, and some others may even be antagonistic.

If an affirmation doesn't fit with your reality, the part of you that keeps track of reality will be aroused to question it, again defeating the purpose of the affirmation. However, if we create internal voices that are a bit more subtle in exactly what words they use, there are ways around this difficulty.

The interesting instruction that follows was posted about a year ago on an email newsgroup by Vikas Dikshit, an NLP–trained educator and trainer in Pune, India:

About a year after this email, Vikas writes that his client still feels great, and that he has used the same method — or variations of it — successfully with a number of other clients. Although this method sounds far too simple to have any effect, it employs some very subtle aspects of language.

The simplest way to understand this process is that it is the same as what all of us often do, but used in a more directed way. If someone talks about a "crappy day," they aren't really talking about the day; they are talking about their feelings. When someone speaks of a "cheerful fire," are they talking about the fire, or about how they feel? When someone talks about happy curtains, that implies that they are feeling happy.

There is usually a correspondence or equivalence between someone's internal state and what they perceive around them. A happy person lives in a happy world, and a sad person lives in a sad world. A sad person tends to notice sad events around them, while a happy person tends to notice the happy things. Vikas' method uses this equivalence in the reverse direction to bring about a change in mood. Noticing happy things implies feeling happy.

Since all the sentences are about some aspect of the world being happy, there is no conflict between saying that when the person is not feeling happy. An unhappy person can still talk about happy curtains. This is very different from the "I am happy" affirmation, which will contradict your present state if you are unhappy.

This process directs your attention to things around you in the present moment, just as any useful meditation does. Since you have limited attention, this will simultaneously withdraw your attention from whatever you have been attending to that was making you unhappy, including any negative self–talk that has been going on in your mind.

The word "happy" is a trigger for that state, so using it tends to elicit happy feelings, no matter what it describes, even a chair or a table. When I describe the curtains as "happy," that connects the word happiness with the curtains — and with everything else around me that I describe with the word "happy." After that, each time I look at the curtains — and the other things around me — I will think of the word "happy," and that will tend to elicit that happy feeling. If everything around me is labeled in this way, I will soon be surrounded by things that are now associated with the word "happy," which elicits that feeling state.

You need to be very cautious if you include other people in your happy observations, and notice what kind of response it elicits in you, because that may create a contrast that is not helpful. If I notice a happy child, that may make me feel happy, because I am not a child — just as I am not a chair or curtain. But if I notice other adults being happy, that contrast with my present state may deepen my unhappiness. If others around me are happy, when I am unhappy, that can make my unhappiness even worse. So it is much safer to not include other people at all — or even children or animals — and just use inanimate objects.

Another way of thinking about this method is that it is an example of the hypnotic language pattern called "selectional restriction." Since a window can't be happy, your mind will unconsciously attempt to make meaning out of the word "happy" by applying it to something else. If you are alone, you are the only other available possibility, and even if you are with others, you are still a possibility. All this processing will occur completely unconsciously, so it can't be countered by your conscious thinking.

Of course despite all this wonderful understanding, this process can be completely nullified if someone uses a voice tone that is sarcastic, scornful, or dismissive, as we explored in chapter 2. But if you use a tone that is ordinary, simply reporting your experience "objectively," or one that includes even a little bit of pleasure, it will work. Whether you do this with yourself, or with someone else, you can notice the tonality, and change it if it does not support the process.

You can also use this method with any other useful adjective, such as "calm" or "peaceful" for someone who is too easily agitated, "loving" for someone who feels angry, or "balanced" or "centered" for someone who feels scattered or chaotic. Simply identify the problem mood, think of its opposite, and then select an adjective that expresses this opposite mood to put in the place of "happy."

For instance, if someone is often fearful or anxious, the opposite of that is safe, and they can use this word to describe the world around them. "I see the safe chair," "Those are safe curtains," "This is a safe computer," etc.

Be sure that you choose an opposite experience, not something in the mid–range of a continuum. For instance, if you are often critical and rejecting, the opposite of that would be welcoming or loving, not accepting, which is too neutral.

Try this now. Think of an unpleasant state that you sometimes slip into… .

Then think of its opposite, a positive state that you would like to have in its place… .

Then use this word to describe the things around you, either internally, or out loud. Continue to do this for several minutes, and notice how it changes your response… .

This method is an affirmation that will work, and it won't arouse other conflicting voices to disagree with it. What can we learn from the two examples I have given?

"I am sitting on this happy chair," etc. "What else can I enjoy right now?"

First, they all direct attention to events in the present moment, withdrawing your attention from whatever is going on in your mind that may be contributing to your unpleasant state.

Second, it is a process that you can do right now — whatever your present state is — in contrast to an end point (enjoyment, happiness) which may seem distant in time and unattainable.

Third, they don't contradict your reality in the moment.

Fourth, they direct attention to something in the world external to you, yet in a way that naturally and indirectly elicits an internal resourceful state of enjoyment or happiness.

These four characteristics of a positive affirmation that works can be put to use for other states. Let's take the other three qualities in one of the previous examples of an affirmation given above: healthy, wise, and free. How could you use the models given above to elicit a feeling of being healthy? …

"I am sitting on a healthy chair," etc.

"What else can I notice about my healthy functioning right now?"

Now do the same with wise and free, and then go on to create affirmations about pleasure, beauty, love, balance, or whatever you want more of in your life. "What else pleases me right now." "What else is beautiful to me right now." "What else can I love right now." "What else is balanced in my experience right now?"

Appreciate & Smile Exercise

Another exercise that Vikas offers to participants in his trainings is provided below:

Paul Ekman's (15) very detailed research has shown that even if you ask someone to smile artificially — or simply hold a pencil between their teeth, which requires the same kind of muscle movements around the mouth — that elicits happiness because that muscle position is unconsciously associated with smiling, and smiling is associated with pleasure and happiness.

Vikas' instruction is more subtle than asking someone to deliberately smile. It first asks you to see something externally, and then to say some words of appreciation internally, creating a natural context for a spontaneously smile.

In this chapter I have presented a number of ways that you can talk to yourself without contradicting what you might already be saying to yourself. They are elegant and graceful ways to change your experience.

Next we will explore how to replace an existing voice with a new voice that is more useful. We have to be cautious when doing this because there is always a potential for conflict.