Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

The word "perspective" may seem out of place in a book about internal voices, because that word is usually understood visually, as a way of seeing events, or a particular point ofview. The word perspective is often used in an abstract or metaphorical way, in contrast to a specific description or instruction about what to do. If you have ever had someone tell you, "I wish you could get a better perspective on this problem," you probably had no idea how to accomplish that. They provided a general outcome, but no specific way to actually achieve it.

There are many kinds of perspective, and it can help to first illustrate them in the visual system, where they are more familiar and easier to describe, before moving to the auditory system. There are many, many ways to gain perspective.¹

Fundamentally, the word perspective is used in situations in which we experience something in relation to something else, the "the appearance of things relative to one another." This is something that we do unconsciously thousands of times a day, because it is important to know how things around us are related to each other. If I want to pick up something that is lying on a table, I need to know its location in relation to me in order to do that.

In a painting, when we see similar objects (such as trees) painted in different sizes, we don't see them in isolation, we see them in relation to each other. Because of our experience of things in the real world, we perceive the smaller ones as being farther away, creating a sense of distance and depth. If a painting showed a mouse and a person the same size, since we know that a mouse is actually much smaller than a person, we would either see the mouse much closer to us to account for this, or assume that the mouse was much larger, a giant mouse.

One way to describe most problems or unhappiness is that we develop "tunnel vision," narrowly focusing in on a problem while ignoring everything else that surrounds it. Expanding our field of vision to include much more of what is happening simultaneously in the moment provides a larger context that is literally wider and broader in scope, in which we see the problem in relation to what is around it, the "big picture" that includes much more information.

For instance, if you have a plumbing problem, and you focus on that alone, it can seem overwhelming. You may even go on to other responses, like "Oh, it's not fair; these things happen at the most inconvenient times," a line of thinking that takes you into an unpleasant and unfair world of experience — and away from your problem entirely. But if you expand your focus to include all the other aspects of your home that are functioning well to keep you warm and safe, or think about what it would be like to have no plumbing at all, you can put the plumbing problem "in perspective" by relating it to other things or events.

Within a larger context, the problem typically appears much smaller and easier to solve. The additional information included in the big picture may even provide a basis for a solution that wasn't available when focusing exclusively on the problem. If you have ever had a bad leak in a pipe and tried to stop it, expanding your scope to include the main shutoff valve helps tremendously.

Years ago I had a friend who often focused very narrowly. Once we were working together on a truck, putting on a radiator hose. He was busily tightening the metal clamp with a screwdriver, and he was puzzled because the hose was still loose, even after he had been tightening it for some time. Finally the hose started folding and crumpling, and he realized that it had slipped off the metal tube at the back of the radiator. He was so focused on the hose and the clamp that he didn't notice something only a few inches away. On another occasion, he was using a pocketknife to cut a string that bound together a bunch of fruit trees that we were going to plant. He was oblivious to the fact that he was holding the bundle of trees with his left hand; as soon as the knife cut through the string, it would go right into his left hand!

When a doctor has to tell someone bad news about a serious illness, they typically only talk about the problem, and what needs to be done. The person receiving the bad news will usually think of the illness in isolation, and may become very upset. The resulting stress doesn't help them make difficult decisions about treatment alternatives, and also doesn't help them heal.

Now imagine that your doctor did the following, instead: "If we were to take CAT scans or MRIs of your entire body, and put them up on view (gesturing as if putting a series of a dozen or more images up on the translucent viewing screen) we would find that almost all of them would show that your body is functioning in a healthy way, responding quickly and appropriately to any temporary injury or imbalance. Now (gesturing putting up one more image) there is a significant problem in this one area that we need to do something about."

Seeing the illness or injury in relation to all those other images of healthy functioning would create a much broader perspective in which the illness would seem much less significant and less upsetting, and the prospects for treatment recovery would seem much better.

Another kind of perspective is to see an event that occurred in one place and time in relation to another in a different place and time. If someone you care for scowls at you, it would be easy to assume that they are angry with you and become upset. However, if you remember that they lost their job a couple of days ago, you can see their unhappiness in relation to that past event, and perhaps feel some compassion for what they are going through, a very different response that will probably be more useful than getting upset.

Whenever we plan, we think of what we can do now, in relation to how it will influence what will happen later, in a sequence of experiences. "If I leave before 3, I'll avoid rush hour traffic." "If I prepare thoroughly, then I'll be pleased with the result." "If I turn down eating that sweet dessert now, I'll be able to enjoy a slender body that feels good all the time."

Yet another kind of perspective results from seeing an unpleasant event, while simultaneously seeing several pleasant ones. For instance, you can literally see someone's annoying behavior side by side with several images of times when you enjoyed their companionship in different ways. Seeing all those images together at the same time provides a "balanced perspective" that would be lost if you only saw their annoying behavior in isolation.

We also tend to take a problem experience out of the flow of time. If you see a still picture of a problem event, that isolates it from all the events that preceded it and followed it. And since a still picture doesn't change, it seems to last for all eternity, magnifying the unpleasantness. This is something that happens commonly in people who have PTSD or other traumas. While this kind of concentration can sometimes be useful in order to study a problem to see what can be done, a narrow view often leaves out the very information that we need in order to start moving toward a solution.

When you see your partner doing that habit that particularly annoys you, if that is a still picture that fills your field of vision, you have "lost perspective" in this way. If you allow that still picture to expand into a movie that includes what happened

before and what will happen later, you will likely find many, many pleasant events in the past and in the future. When you see that annoying habit embedded in the flow of all the events in this larger time span, it typically seems much less important, less upsetting, and much easier to either accept, or to start working toward a solution.

To summarize, we can gain perspective by seeing an event in relation to its larger context in the moment, in relation to a future event, or a past event, or in the larger flow ofevents that occurred before and after that event. We can gain exactly the same kind of perspective in the auditory system.

For instance, if someone makes a critical comment, and that occupies all your attention, it can be pretty devastating. But if you also recall all the complimentary things that the same person said to you both before and after the critical comment, that expansion of your time frame can put that one comment in perspective. That makes it much easier to hear the critical comment, and then consider if that is something that you can use for feedback. It might be very accurate information about your behavior — even if it is communicated poorly — or it might be only information about the speaker's frustration, and really has very little to do with you. Years ago, my wife and I developed a "strategy for responding to criticism" that is useful in regaining this kind of perspective. (3, ch. 8)

We often focus our "tunnel hearing" on one voice while ignoring their tone of voice, other voices, or all the other background sounds. You can broaden your scope of hearing to include all these sounds around you to provide a larger auditory context: "the big sound" that can create the same kind of perspective as "the big picture."

You can relate what someone says in one place and time to something at another place and time, either from the past to the present, or from the present into the future. Recalling what someone said long ago may be useful to you in the present, or may be helpful in forecasting what someone may say in the future. You may decide to refuse something that a small child wants, "No, you can't have that," and hope to hear later, "Thanks Mom, I'm so glad that you were firm with me; that saved me a lot of trouble."

Hearing one voice surrounded by a number of others will be familiar to anyone who has sung in a chorus. Although usually those in a chorus sing the same words, sometimes with different melodies, some choral works interweave different words as well as different melodies. This creates the same kind of perspective in the auditory system as seeing one image surrounded by others in the visual system. However, since this is something that many people have not learned to do, it can provide a particularly powerful new way of gaining perspective about a voice or sound.

Auditory Perspective Demonstration Transcript

I'd like to demonstrate one way to gain perspective with a troubling voice in the auditory system, using a process I learned years ago from John McWhirter. (18) I don't need to know any content. It can be your own voice, or someone else's voice, or it could even be a sound that has no words with it. (Tim volunteers.)

Tim, first I want you to listen to that voice, and verify that it still makes you uncomfortable… .

Tim: (looking up, and then down left and frowning) Yes, it sure does.

It looks like you get a picture first, before you hear the voice. Is that right? (Yes.) That's fine, we can still use the voice. Is this your voice or someone else's?

Tim: It's my voice.

OK, so you're talking to yourself. Where do you hear the voice? Tim: Behind my head, to the right a little.

OK. Now just let that voice go to wherever voices go when you're not listening to them, and think of four times in your life when your own voice served as a strong resource to you, perhaps commenting on a job well done, or some other satisfaction. Think of them one by one, and listen to what each one has to say, and the tonality, until you have four of them… . (Tim nods.)

Now position those four voices around your head, more or less evenly spaced, wherever seems appropriate to you — perhaps one in front, one in back, and one on either side, leaving an empty space at the back and right, where you heard that troubling voice. When you hear those four voices all talking at once, it will be harder to hear the details of what they are saying, but you can still hear the tonalities, and know the general nature of what they are saying. Let me know when that is set up, with all four voices talking at the same time, kind of like a chorus, with different parts… .

(Tim nods.) OK. Now bring that troubling voice back in to join the other four, and listen to all five voices at once. Notice if this arrangement changes your response to that voice in any way… .

Tim: It's farther away now, and not as loud. I feel better; it's easier to listen to it. I can hear some of what it's saying as useful information, while before I was just noticing my bad feelings.

OK. Great. Does anyone have any questions for Tim?

Tess: Were you able to understand what the five voices were saying when they were all talking at once?

Tim: No. I knew they were there, and I could pick out bits and pieces, and the meaning was there, but I couldn't really hear all five voices at once.

That's typical of most of us, and it's important to warn people about this, or they may worry they are doing the process wrong. A woman who was born blind

and only got her sight when she was about 30 could keep track of eight different speakers simultaneously, as if she had an eight–track tape recorder. But very few people can do that, and it's not necessary for this process to work.

Tim: When I had the four resource voices talking at once, I felt like I was sitting in a big, comfortable overstuffed easy chair, as if the voices were literally supporting me physically.

That's a nice spontaneous synesthesia; you experienced the voices as a kines–thetic feeling of support.

When all five voices are being heard simultaneously, the four resource voices provide an auditory background perspective for really hearing the problem voice, instead of just being overwhelmed by the bad feelings that it generates when it is heard alone. Some people think of this as "the four resource voices overpowering the problem voice," or some other description that presupposes conflict or competition, but that is a less useful way of understanding this process. The resource voices are not in disagreement about one event, saying "but." They are simply all speaking at the same time about different events, saying "and," which provides a more balanced perspective.

If the original troubling voice was someone else's voice, the four resource voices should also be other peoples' voices. The reason for making sure that the resource voices and the troubling voice are all either your own or someone else's is to avoid posing any possible conflict between your own views and someone else's. For instance, if the troubling voice were your own, and the resource voices were someone else's, it would be easy to think, "They may disagree with me, but I know better," or some other kind of conflict. As much as possible, we want to make changes that avoid creating any additional conflict.

Auditory Perspective Exercise Outline

Now you can do the same exercise that Tim did. Ideally you would do this with another person, so that one of you can read the directions, so the other can relax and devote all their attention to following the directions.

After one person has done the process, you can switch roles so that you can both experience the process. Many people find that it makes it much easier to attend to their inner experience if they close their eyes.

1. Choose a Voice Think of a troubling voice, and notice your feeling response to what it says… . Notice the location of the voice, and whether it's your own voice or someone else's… . Then set that voice aside temporarily.

2. Remember Voices Recall four resource voices, times when you (or someone else) commented favorably about something that you had just done. Listen to each voice in turn, noticing both the words and the tonality, and how you feel in response to hearing it. If the problem voice is another person's, the resource voices should also be someone else's; if the problem voice is your own voice, the resource voices should also be yours.

3. Arrange Voices Position these voices around your head — leaving a space for the location of the troubling voice — so that you can hear all four voices talking at once. It will be harder to hear the details when they are all talking, but you will still be able to hear the tonalities, and have a sense of the meanings.

4. Bring in the Troubling Voice Allow the troubling voice to return to its location, and listen to all five voices talking at once… .

5. Notice Your Response Notice how your response changes in either intensity or quality, or both… .

6. Test A few minutes later — or longer — you can check to find out how well the change has lasted. Simply recall the troubling voice, and notice your response again. Find out if your response is still different than it was before going through the auditory perspective process. Typically the change will last without doing anything else. Whenever you hear the troubling voice, you will again have the more comfortable feelings that you had when you first heard all five voices together.

When the change resulting from this method doesn't last, usually that indicates that some other outcome is served by continuing to be distressed by the troubling voice. For instance, being upset by the voice could be useful in getting a spouse to assist you in some way, or to avoid some unpleasant task or duty. In that case, you need to find some other way to get assistance, or some other effective behaviors to use to avoid the task. Sometimes that is as simple as learning to say, "Honey, I want some help here," or "No, I don't want to do that," instead of using your bad feelings to influence others around you.

There is nothing special about using four supportive voices; it is a nice number that works well. But you could also use three, or you could use more, and these additional choices might work better for certain people. Using three would make it easier to hear the details of the voices; hearing five or more could strengthen the chorus, even though the details of what they say would be harder to hear.

Next we will explore some additional useful ways of talking to yourself at the beginning of the day, so that you can start your day in a good state. If you start the day well, it is much easier to maintain it in the face of later unpleasant events. That is much easier than starting off badly and then having to work to improve it.