Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

In previous chapters, you have learned how to change nonverbal aspects of the direction, location, volume, tonality and tempo of a troublesome voice in order to reduce its impact on you. You have also learned how to add music or a song to a voice in order to change your response, and in the previous chapter you have experimented with several ways to talk to yourself that are useful and effective.

Now we can begin to use some of these methods in combination to make a useful change. For instance, once you have reduced the volume of a troublesome voice, you can then replace it with a more resourceful and supportive voice without creating significant conflict. The following example is from Ron Soderquist, an NLP–trained hypnotherapist in the Los Angeles area:

I think it is pretty amazing that you can change a pervasive, life–long negative attitude in a few minutes, just by changing an internal voice — without extensive therapeutic time–traveling back to the traumatic origin of his voices.

However, I want you to think about what would have happened if Bill hadn't reduced the volume of his negative self–talk before adding in a resourceful and supportive voice. If there were two loud voices in his head, they would conflict with each other, setting up an internal battle. Most people have enough conflict in their lives already; they don't need more of it.

Many people seek help because they already have chronic unpleasant internal conflicts like this. A common troubling conflict is between some version of "Be sure to do what others approve of," and "No, be independent and think for yourself." A conflict like this often puts you "between a rock and a hard place," because whatever you decide to do, afterwards the other side will torment you. "You just went along with the crowd again, you wimp," or "You sure 'blew it' with the guests by telling that racy joke."

Another common conflict is between indulging in a present pleasure on one hand, and its future consequences on the other. One voice may say something like, "Go ahead and treat yourself by eating that dessert; you deserve it," while another warns, "If you eat that, you'll get fat, and no one will want to be around you." Whether or not you eat the dessert, the other side will badger you with the consequences later. "You denied yourself a simple pleasure that would have made you feel really good," or "Now you've done it; you'll have to watch what you eat all next week in order to lose the calories in that cheesecake."

However, a number of well–respected therapies — and most books about negative self–talk — strongly advocate talking back to a critical internal voice as a way to lessen its influence. For instance, David Burns is a student of Aaron Beck, who is sometimes described as the "father" of Cognitive Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (11). CBT has even deeper roots in the work of Albert Ellis, whose work was originally called Rational Therapy, later Rational Emotive Therapy, and finally Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (16) as it evolved over the years. As early as the 1950s — half a century ago! — Ellis advocated actively verbally challenging a client's self–defeating beliefs and behaviors by demonstrating the irrationality, self–defeatism and rigidity of their negative self–talk. Burns is one of many Cognitive Therapists who advocate countering a troublesome voice:

"Talk back to that internal critic!…

a) Train yourself to recognize and write down the self–critical thoughts as they go through your mind;

b) Learn why these thoughts are distorted; and

c) Practice talking back to them so as to develop a more realistic self–evaluation system." (12, p. 62)

In this process the client is taught how to notice the content of automatic thoughts, identify the kind of distortion, and then generate a rational response. For instance, if the automatic thought is "I never do anything right," the distortion is overgeneralization, and a rational response is, "Nonsense, I do a lot of things right."

"This shows what a jerk I am" is an example of the distortion called labeling, and a rational response is, "Come on, now, I'm not 'a jerk.' " These rational responses disagree with and oppose the troublesome voice. Other people don't like to be disagreed with, and internal voices are no different; they are likely to become defensive and redouble their efforts to convince you of what they are saying.

Burns developed this method while working with seriously depressed patients who were often suicidal, having given up all hope of having a normal satisfying life. The main symptoms of depression are feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. Most—if not all—of depression is in response to internal voices that criticize, berate, and torment. In this context, rallying the patient to oppose their internal voices can be a huge step forward, and research does indicate that CBT gets results with depression that are superior to antidepressant medication and most other therapies.

Since then, Burns has applied the same method to quite a variety of other problems that result from troublesome internal voices, including anger, guilt, addiction to love and approval, and perfectionism. If someone who is suffering from one of these problems feels completely defeated, then mobilizing a rational response to it can be a very useful first step.

Although a battle between two voices might be somewhat better than only being a slave to a troublesome voice, it is still an inelegant solution that leaves the person split between the two. It is much better to reduce the impact of the troublesome voice before adding in a resourceful voice.

However, reducing the volume of the troublesome voice is only useful if it has no positive function or intent in the present. There is at least a possibility that a troublesome voice might have some useful information for you. Often an internal voice wants to protect you from some kind of problem or danger, even if this is hidden inside insults and criticism. It could be warning of an actual physical danger, "If you did that, you could get seriously hurt." Or it might caution you against being disappointed, embarrassed, or criticized by others — dangers to your status, or your idea of who you are. "Don't make a fool of yourself at the party tonight."

Often a voice once had a useful function in a past context, but it is now outdated and irrelevant. For instance, a voice may have once warned you not to anger Dad; now that Dad has been dead for years, it is no longer serves a useful function, so it can be safely reduced in volume. But at other times a voice wants you to notice a mistake, so that you can improve what you do. "Boy, you really screwed up that interview!" What a voice says may be unpleasant, and may even be counterproductive, but it usually has the positive intent of making your life better in some way.

If you just reduced the volume of this voice, you would also lose its useful positive intent — "throwing out the baby with the bathwater." Many people desperately need some kind of warning voice, because they keep making the same mistakes over and over without noticing. Losing a protective voice can have much more unpleasant consequences than hearing an unpleasant internal voice and feeling bad.

Bill's voice was apparently simply a result of his history with his critical and unhappy parents. Since it had no useful function in the present, its volume could be reduced without losing anything. When a voice still has a positive function, simply reducing the volume won't work well, and the voice is likely to stay loud or return. Although reducing the volume of a troublesome voice reduces potential conflict, it doesn't eliminate it altogether, so even this solution is not as elegant as it could be, and we will explore other better alternatives in following chapters.

Here is another nice example of adding a more resourceful voice to a troubling one, again from Ron Soderquist.

Like the previous example of the man with a critical attitude, Tommy's voice apparently had no positive function in the present. Some of the things that we learn are pretty much random. Tommy may have heard something like his voice at school, or on the playground — kids can sometimes be even more cruel and unthinking than adults. Somehow it stuck with him as something very important. All he needed was some skillful instruction in how to think differently. In this case, the instruction was embedded in a story about a squirrel.

I'd like to point out the importance of telling Tommy to look at his belly button. If Ron had instead said something like, "Everyone makes mistakes," it wouldn't have had nearly as much impact, because it would be too abstract and general. It might not necessarily apply to Tommy, and he might not remember it at the appropriate times. Having him look at his belly button provides a specific visual cue that both triggers the thought, and also applies it to him specifically. Every time Tommy looks at his belly button — or imagines seeing his bellybutton — he will think of the instruction, "It's OK. Everyone who has a belly button makes mistakes."

Another way of thinking about what Ron did with Tommy is that he taught him a way to be more self–accepting. Making mistakes is something that everyone does. Recognizing that something is a normal thing to do is a process that is often called "normalization." Let's explore self–acceptance in more detail.

Self–acceptance

Whenever someone doesn't like something about themselves, they are likely to criticize and reject themselves, which is the opposite of self–acceptance. Then if they learn about affirmations, they may try saying something like, "I deeply and completely accept myself." That sets up a direct conflict between the self–rejection and the self–acceptance, as I have discussed earlier.

However, there is a way to talk to yourself in an accepting way that doesn't conflict with any self–rejection that you already experience, and I'd like you to discover what that is like. First think of something that you don't like about yourself — your weight, your getting angry, not speaking up for yourself, dark moods, or whatever it might be… .

Then listen to what you say to yourself when you do this. "You're a fat lazy pig," "I get angry all the time," "You're a wimp," "I'm no fun to be around," or something like that… .

Now try saying to yourself, "I deeply and completely accept myself," and notice what you experience in response to that… .

There are a variety of ways to respond to this, but what they have in common is some kind of weakening of the self–affirmation, because of the conflict between the two sentences.

Now try putting your two sentences together in the following sentence:

"Even though I (am a fat lazy pig, get angry, am a wimp, have dark moods, etc.) I deeply and completely accept myself"

Say that sentence several times, and notice how you feel in response, and how that is different from what you experienced when the two sentences were separated… .

The words "even though" have a very interesting way of joining what seem to be opposite or contradictory experiences. After all, "not liking something about myself," is certainly the opposite of "deeply and completely accepting myself." "Even though" completely accepts your not liking something and joins it with deep and complete self–acceptance. It states the opposites in a way that they don't conflict with each other.

This exact sentence "Even though I (critical self–evaluation) I deeply and completely accept myself" is widely used in a method called "Emotional Freedom Technique" (EFT) (14) and also appears less prominently in other approaches. However, "even though" can be used in many other ways to join apparent opposites.

"Even though I have failed repeatedly, I can learn to succeed."

"Even though I don't like healthy food, I can lose weight."

"Even though I'm lazy, I can satisfy my boss."

The general pattern is the following:

"Even though I (statement of problem or difficulty) I (statement of a positive outcome).

Try this yourself. First think of a personal lack, or something about you that you criticize, and then think of a future goal or outcome — to be happier, calmer, smarter, more perceptive, etc. and link them together using the sentence above, and notice how you experience that… .

There is another value in doing this that may not be immediately apparent. When people criticize themselves, they often use sentences to link their problem or lack to a future failure or inability:

"I have failed repeatedly, so I can't succeed."

"I don't like healthy food, so I can't lose weight."

"I'm lazy, so I can't satisfy my boss."

Think of some sentence like this that you say to yourself, and then restate it in the form "Even though I (statement of problem or difficulty) I (statement of a positive outcome)" and experience what that is like… .

That kind of sentence links a problem to an outcome in a very interesting way that is the opposite of what most people usually do. It is almost as if you are saying that the problem will make it easier to reach your outcome.

"Because I have failed repeatedly, I'll be able to succeed"

"Since I don't like healthy food, I'll be able to lose weight"

"Being lazy will make it easier to satisfy my boss"

Even though those sentences may seem totally crazy to you, try saying them to yourself as ifthey were true, and then figure out how they actually could be true… .

Here are some possible realizations — out of many others:

"Failing repeatedly means that I know a lot about how to fail; if I just do the opposite, that should be a path to success "

"Some healthy food is fattening, so avoiding that will make it easier for me to lose weight "

"Since I'm lazy, I'm motivated to find ways to get a job done faster with less effort, and that will make my boss happy "

"When I think that a sentence is totally crazy, thinking how it could be true can sometimes result in a useful new understanding "

"Even though this may be new to you, you'll find yourself noticing when you and other people use those two words, and become more aware ofthe change in attitude and outlook that results from doing that "

Since adding in a more useful voice can be so dramatically helpful, what would happen if we added in several of them, speaking simultaneously, like a chorus? In the next chapter you will learn how to do that.