Hide and Seek

It was good to do that. It gave you a sense of purpose, of something

leading to something, of potency and judgment. We were quiet and

thorough and very content to be rooting around in there.

Personally I liked the pitchfork.

There were two tines missing on the left side but the head fit soundly

into the shaft, so it didn't wobble, and the shaft was long enough to

keep whoever we were liable to meet a good few feet a way. Steven

found an axe handle. It was sturdy, with about five pounds of weight.

The knives were all rusty and useless. We decided to go with what we

had.

We stood there looking ready.

We weren't ready.

I knew what he wanted to say to me because I had the same thing to say

to him: are you sure about this?

Neither of us uttered it.

There was no way to feel good about it, no way at all, but jesus, it

was Casey in there, the girl I'd made love to and listened to and

watched with growing pleasure for a long time now. The woman who'd

told me, finally, some of the reasons for what she was, who saw me as

friend and lover. Sothatthehookwassunkdeep. Iwasn't about to abandon

her.

As for Steve, I suppose he had his reasons too.

I know he did.

I'm trying to explain this now.

Because it wasn't very smart, what we did.

When you're whole and unharmed, no matter how scared you are there's

always thefeelingthat nobody's going to touch you, really. It's only

when the pain begins that you realize you're vulnerable. By then it's

too late. By then it's a matter of getting out alive, that's all. But

before that you jerk yourself off a little. Your mind does a little

survey and there you are, strong, intact. So what's to worry? Your

body gets insulted: have I ever let you down in a pinch? Guess not.

And, knees knocking, you plunge right in. Thrilled. Invulnerable. To

get strafed by the firepower of your worst nightmares.

People are idiots, basically.