Holy Cow

11 THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

(in screenplay form)

MALLORY

OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!

(There were about three hundred more OMGs, but I don’t want you to think I’m padding my story.)

ELSIE

What? What? Take a chill pill, girlfriend.

MALLORY

Nothing will ever be the same again!

ELSIE

You can say that again.

MALLORY

No way! Did you hook up?

ELSIE

Hook up? Me? No, no, go on, tell me what happened.

(I didn’t really want to hear, but I couldn’t really tell MALLORY what had happened down at the house with the people and the Box God. Not yet. I still was processing it myself. It was like a bad dream that was not quite over.)

MALLORY

It was full-on West Side Story. Frank goes to Steve and he’s like, “Yo, dude, she’s a black-and-white Holstein like me, my mother was a black and white, so she’s my girlfriend,” and Steve was like, “Yeah, if it was the fifties maybe, but it’s not like that anymore and red bulls can be with anyone, anyone can be with anyone.” And I thought, Yeah, you go, Steve, yeah, that makes total sense. They were totally fighting over me. Elsie? Earth to Elsie?

ELSIE

Yeah, yeah, they were totally fighting over you.

(I was trying to listen, but I was totally zoning in and out. I couldn’t erase the images of cows hung on hooks, bleeding, bleeding… Stop! I told my mind, but I couldn’t. Like when my mother always used to say, “Don’t think about pink cows,” and then of course pink cows is all you can think about. But these cows weren’t pink, they were red and bleeding, bleeding… Stop!)

MALLORY

They woulda fought over you too, mamacita, but you disappeared. Where’d you go?

ELSIE

Nowhere. Okay, so they’re getting all Jets and Sharks with you. What’s with you? You look different. Your mascara is running.

MALLORY

I am different. You look different too.

ELSIE

I am different. Go on. So tell me. I hang upon your every word.

MALLORY

So Steve and Frank and these other guys-I think there were like four or five, um, Jimmy C., Matty, and Jose maybe was it? And…

ELSIE

Names not important, cut to the chase.

MALLORY

How did you know there was a chase?

ELSIE

It’s an expression…

MALLORY

Okay, so they do this thing where they’re gonna fight, and they snort and stomp and make weird noises, and then they do fight! It was a real fight! They were fighting over me, but I could tell they weren’t really trying to hurt one another, that it was more of a show. A delicious exhibition of bullness.

ELSIE

The chase?

MALLORY

Oh yeah, okay, the chase… so they ram into one another a few times and chase one another around, but then Frank kinda gives up and says something like, “You can have her, she’s not so pretty anyway…”

ELSIE

That’s hurtful. What a dickhead.

MALLORY

Whatever. He’s a loser.

ELSIE

I thought you liked Frank.

MALLORY

Liked, duh. Past tense, as in, no more, bae, I am moving on.

ELSIE

So the other guys take off and you’re left there alone with Frank.

MALLORY

Steve.

ELSIE

Steve. Sorry.

MALLORY

So we’re hanging out there, by the fence, and he’s all kinda out of breath from the half-fake fighting, and I can see his breath, and I can smell it.

ELSIE

Ew.

MALLORY

Not ew. I liked it. And he’s like all cool now, he’s like, “Babe, I can eat this much grass,” and “Babe, I could escape this place anytime, I just choose to stay ’cause it’s a cush gig…” and on and on.

ELSIE

Right.

MALLORY

So then he presses his lips up against the fence.

ELSIE

Get out.

MALLORY

Yes, ma’am, and he closes his eyes, and just stays there like a statue, so I kissed him…

ELSIE

No way!

MALLORY

Way!

ELSIE

Shut the front door! Was it all gross and slobbery?

MALLORY

No, it was, it was… I can’t describe it… you would think that exchanging fluids from your mouth with a guy would be the grossest thing in the world, but it wasn’t gross. It was rad. I’m in love.

ELSIE

You’re not in love. You barely know him.

MALLORY

That’s what love is, Elsie, when you’re crazy about someone you don’t really know. I’m gonna make calves with him.

I was gonna argue with Mallory, talk some sense into her, but I could tell she was beyond reason at this point, that just as everything-the moon, the grass, the breeze-reminded me of the red death right now, everything reminded her of Steve. And of love. And I thought about telling her what I’d seen, and then I thought, who am I to rain on her parade? I looked over at her and she was lit up like a June night filled with fireflies, and for a brief moment I forgot about what had happened to me, and I was happy. Happy for Mallory, happy for Steve, happy for the world. Happy. And I closed my eyes and slept.