Holy Cow

30 FLY LIKE AN EAGLE, OR A SQUIRREL

We knew we were getting close to the airport because the planes overhead started getting louder and louder and lower and lower. I noticed Tom was studying them intently, and flapping his wings a little. “What are you doing?” I asked. “It doesn’t look so hard,” he said, “to fly.”

And with that, he took a running start, flapping madly, trying to get airborne. Maybe he got a couple of inches off the ground. Maybe. “You see that?” he said. “I flew!”

“Yeah, yeah…” I lied.

“Check this out,” and he took off running again toward the edge of a little hill we were on, belting out the old Steve Miller classic, “I want to fly like an eagle…”

With that he jumped as high as he could off the cliff, seemed to hover for a moment, and then sank straight down like a stone. Shalom and I ran to the edge and looked down just in time to see Tom hit the ground with a grunt and a thud and roll a few times beak over tailfeather. It was funny the way a cartoon is funny.

Tom rolled to a stop, stood up, and exhaled. “That is another thing that never happened.”

“What never happened, you succumbing to the harsh law of gravity?” asked Shalom, tongue in snout. “I see you can dish but you can’t take, what is sauce for the goose is not sauce for the gander.”

“Yeah, never happened,” shouted Tom as he scampered back up the hill. “Like the mohel never happened, like your circum-”

Shalom cut Tom off. “I get it. No need to elaborate,” he said as he adjusted his diaper.

“Saw what?” I asked.

We walked on in silence for a while. I could see Shalom stealing glances at Tom, sensing Tom’s dream had died a little, and it seemed to soften the pig. Finally, Shalom said, “That thing that didn’t happen?”

“Yeah,” answered Tom, wary of an attack.

“Dude, I swear, maybe you didn’t fly, but you were gliding like a badass,” Shalom offered.

“Really?” asked Tom, cheering up just a bit. “Gliding is a lot like flying, isn’t it?” he said.

And now Shalom grinned. “Gliding like a goddamn flying squirrel, my avian friend, like a goddamn flying squirrel.”