Holy Cow

4 THE OPEN GATE

You like that? Chapter titles and whatnot. I’ve been doing that since the beginning of my story. Fancy, I know, but I want to highlight the concept.

What the open gate means is that, come nightfall, Mallory and I are gonna be able to sneak out and go wherever we want. To the bulls, to the ball game-wherever. The gate opens into a whole new world. Mallory and I are so excited. Especially her. To see Frank, or Steve, or Dino, or whomever. No doubt you’ve noticed that one of a cow’s best features is our long, impossibly thick, luxurious eyelashes. Human women would die for our eyelashes. Come on now, don’t be a hater. Every species, like everyone, has a strong point or two. Heavenly eyelashes are one of ours.

Mallory is in her stall applying cow mascara to make her eyelashes even more beautiful, and I suppose make her irresistible to Frank or Steve or whomever it is she thinks she has a crush on. Cow eyeliner is basically some good clean dirt, then you add a touch of water and lay your face down in the mud and then shake your head. If you’re lucky more of the dirt will adhere to the lashes and less around your mouth, which is not a good look. Mallory does this and then I do her the solid of licking her face to get the excess dirt. She looks amazeballs. No doubt Frank or Steve is going to find her the most beautiful cow in the world. I’m just excited to get out past the gate. I mean, yeah, I’m kinda into the bulls, but in a way I don’t quite get, so I’m a little afraid of it, but really, I’m just looking for adventure. That’s the kind of cow I am.

Mallory and I can barely contain our excitement. The day crawls by like a human baby on all fours. It’s like the sun decided not to move in the sky; it’s just hanging there. It’s so hard not to tell anybody about our plans, but we know that if we did that we could ruin it. I notice this one pig looking at me funny, with his head tilted, and a little smile. This pig is named Jerry. So I say, “What, you never saw a cow before?” And I say, “Take a picture, babe, it’ll last longer.” And he kinda turns away. That’s how you handle pigs, gotta be super straightforward ’cause they’re really smart at the circuitous-logic-type stuff, too smart for their own good. You gotta psych ’em out. They overthink-so a direct shot will short-circuit them and make them wanna take a nap. Which is what Jerry does. Like I gave him a mental karate-chop sedative. Handled that. I’m like a Jedi sometimes.

Finally, the sun starts to dip beneath our western horizon, maybe my favorite moment of any day. Dusk. Sunset. Love it. Night will not be too far behind, and with night, an adventure, one that will change my life forever.