Holy Cow

20 BABE, I’M GONNA LEAVE YOU

(see Zeppelin, Led)

It took weeks for Operation India to come into crystal-clear focus. I had maps I had to deal with and figuring out the best way to get into the city without somebody reporting a lost cow. Once I got there, I had no idea how I was going to get on a plane, I just knew I couldn’t wait any longer. As I was sleeping one night deep in conversation with my mother, I felt something rooting around my feet. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw it was Jerry the pig. He had curlicues made of weeds dangling from his ears and he was carrying an old, tattered, leatherbound book that he held with great reverence. I believe in the screenplay this is called the beginning of Act Two:

JERRY

’Sup?

ELSIE

’Sup, yourself.

JERRY

I mean what is up? What is up with you? What is afoot?

What’s with all the maps and the whispering with Mallory at night?

ELSIE

Nothing.

JERRY

I’ll tell you what I think is up. I think you’re planning to get outta Dodge.

ELSIE

As if.

JERRY

Don’t stonewall me, cow. You’re thinking of makin’ a break, skedaddling, blowing this Popsicle stand, makin’ like a banana and splitting, makin’ like a tree and leavin’ on a jet plane, bustin’ a moooo-ve…

(Here’s the thing about JERRY-he won’t stop saying these obsessive strings of synonymous figures of speech till you stop him, it could literally go on forever. So to maintain my own sanity, I had to stop him.)

ELSIE

Okay. So what if you’re right, so what if I am?

JERRY

Well, did you ever stop to think of what will happen to the rest of us if you vamoose, if you fly the coop, if you go all goodbye yellow brick road-

ELSIE

You’ll be fine.

JERRY

No, we won’t. The farmer will come down on us like a ton of bricks, like the hand of God, like-

ELSIE

Okay. What’s your point? Why is that my problem?

JERRY

My point is, I wanna go too.

ELSIE

No. No way.

JERRY

You think you’re the only one who knows the lay of the land? You think you’re the only one who knows which way is up, which side your bread is buttered on-

ELSIE

Jerry!

JERRY

Sorry-that’s like a thing with me, I know. I’ll keep an eye on it, you know, note-to-self it, stick a pin in it, damn, sorry-what I’m sayin’ is I know where the truffles are, woman. They’re gonna eat me just like they’re gonna eat you. It’s a damn holocaust in here.

(I fell silent. I knew JERRY was right, but I didn’t know what I could do. A cow traveling is bad enough, but a cow and a pig, fugeddaboutit. JERRY kept on, though.)

JERRY

And I got skills. I got mad skills. I got skills to pay the bills. Pigs are wicked smart. We are well liked. I can help.

ELSIE

Look, Jerry, even if I could take you, the same thing is going to happen to you in India. They’d eat you there as soon as they’d look at you. Apparently pork is quite tasty.

JERRY

Low blow, dude. Can you say “hamburger”?

ELSIE

I’m sorry. But it’s true. Cows are sacred in India, but pigs are just, well, pigs.

JERRY

You got your map there?

(And I did. I had stolen a map of the world and a couple of Encyclopaedia Britannica volumes from the house to research and figure out all my routes. I knew the family wouldn’t notice their absence, ’cause they now got all their information from their phones. Come to think of it, a phone would be handy, but how could I ever work the touch screen with my big ol’ hooves?)

JERRY

Hoof it over.

Jerry unrolled the map with his mouth, getting pig mucus all over it, which I did not appreciate.

JERRY

Looky here.

He pointed with his flat, circular snout to somewhere in the Middle East, the original place that cows come from, pretty far away from glorious India.

ELSIE

So? Iraq?

JERRY

No, not Iraq. Here, right over here. Israel, baby.

ELSIE

Israel? What’s in Israel?

JERRY

It’s nothing in Israel. It’s what they do in Israel, or more precisely what they don’t do.

ELSIE

What, Jerry, what do they do or not do in Israel?

JERRY

It’s a little thing I like to call “kosher.”

ELSIE

What’s kosher?

JERRY

It’s an ancient dietary regimen of the Jews. Prohibitions. Commandments. Restricti-on-ays. [He said it like it was a Spanish word.]

ELSIE

What are Jews?

JERRY

It’s a long story, some say the greatest story ever told, but basically, Jews are Christians with longer sideburns. And a better sense of humor.

ELSIE

Wha?

JERRY

And funny hats.

ELSIE

Wha?

JERRY

The yarmulke… the original Hair Club for Men.

ELSIE

Wha?

JERRY

You with all the wha, wha, wha… keep your eye on the ball, cow, keep your eye on the doughnut and not the hole, and pick up what I am layin’ down. The ancient Jews thought pigs were unclean for some reason that historians argue about, they called us swine, they called us “traif” (along with shellfish, don’t ask). They were disgusted by us. Can you imagine? I cannot. [He held up the old book.] These are the people of the book. The word, the law.

ELSIE

What book word law?

JERRY

This is the Torah, in the Old Testament, but I just call it the testament ’cause it didn’t need a new one, got everything right the first time around.

ELSIE

Fine, fine, but what you describe sounds terrible, why would you wanna go somewhere you’re hated?

JERRY

Hatred can be as useful as love.

ELSIE

You lost me, bro.

“Call me Shalom.”

JERRY

Because they hate us pigs so much they won’t eat us!

ELSIE

Ahhhhh…

JERRY

It’ll be heaven. I’ll walk down the street, and people will get outta my way like I’m Clint Eastwood. Nobody will talk to me, they won’t even look at me, but best of all, I won’t wind up on their damn plates next to some friggin’ apple sauce!

I had to admit, Jerry had a point, a very valid point, and I agreed that being a pariah was better than being eaten, especially for someone with the stunted social skills of a Jerry, who might actually enjoy living the life of an antagonist. I’d be a god and he’d be a devil, and we both would live. Humans are ridiculous, but we were desperate. So I relented. I nodded. I said that he could come and I would do my best to get me to India and him to Israel, but I couldn’t promise anything. He smiled, grunted, kissed my knee with his snout, and said-“Next year in Jerusalem, my friend.”

Then he added, “Call me Shalom.”