Killing with Confetti

26

Diamond moved fast and made sure he was close behind Joe Irving when the exodus from the reception hall began.

‘You again?’ Irving said, glaring over his shoulder.

‘Doing my job,’ Diamond said.

‘Good thing I know who you are, ain’t it?’

They passed through the gallery overlooking the bath. Lavishly decorated tables were already in place for the wedding breakfast.

‘Straight on and down the stairs,’ the best man called out.

Flaming torches in sconces lit up the Great Bath and were reflected in the water, so atmospheric that you might have believed you were back in Roman Britain if it were not for the instructions being issued from the opposite side where Maurice the photographer had his camera and tripod set up.

‘Pass along the side, please, and go carefully. The footing is uneven in places. I need the bride and groom and bridesmaids and principal guests between the centre columns.’ The voice was Dixie’s, through a portable megaphone.

Eighty tipsy guests shuffling along the water’s edge by torchlight was crying out for a mishap, whether accidental or deliberate. For Diamond, the minder, the big risk wasn’t some idiot falling in. It was the opportunity for killing at close quarters. Along each side of the bath were relics of the Romans, broken columns, chunks of masonry and arched alcoves where the killer could be lurking. The only way to protect the intended victim was to act as a human shield.

‘That’s wonderful,’ Dixie broadcast over the water. She had the megaphone in one hand and a flashlight in the other. The beam travelled along the line-up. ‘Can we have the three bridesmaids on the lowest step, but carefully? Someone give them a hand down. You’re looking gorgeous, girls. Bouquets upwards please, so we can see the flowers. Perfecto. This won’t take long. I know it’s getting cooler by the minute and you aren’t dressed for outdoors, but we’re doing this for the happy couple, aren’t we?’

Everyone was facing one way except Diamond.

He had his back to the bath, his hand on the gun under his jacket and he was peering into the shadowy extremities. He could have used that flashlight.

‘Someone is being bashful,’ Dixie announced. ‘There’s always one, isn’t there? Who’s that skulking behind the father of the bride?’

Heads turned.

Leticia said in a piercing voice, ‘Peter, we’re ready!’

He turned to face her. ‘They don’t need me.’

‘Did I hear the name Peter?’ Dixie’s voice echoed off the stonework. ‘I met you, didn’t I? Come out. I know who you are.’

He refused to make conversation across the bath.

‘You’re not showing yourself, Peter.’

Lewd laughter travelled along the water’s edge.

‘Yes, I could have phrased that better,’ Dixie said. ‘Peter, would you show your face?’

What’s the worst that can happen on an undercover mission? Being loud-hailed by a megaphone must come close.

No way would he raise his hand and say, ‘Here I am.’

Dixie was losing her cool. ‘Peter, if you stand behind Mr. Irving we won’t see anything of you, big as you are. Would you move to the side? You’re not actually one of the principal guests, are you?’

Someone along the ranks shouted, ‘Get on with it, love. We’re getting cold.’

‘Do as she bloody says,’ Big Joe rasped.

‘I’m on duty,’ Diamond said.

‘Sod that. You’re not needed.’

‘Tell her I’m ill.’

Joe shouted across to Dixie, ‘He just threw up. Take the picture without him.’

With that settled, the photography at last got under way. Several takes of the entire company, after which the majority were free to return upstairs. Then the inevitable group pictures of the principals in various combinations.

Diamond watched from the shadows like Harry Lime in his all-time favourite film.

Mercifully, the only shots were with the camera. If the gunman was inside the building he’d missed his best opportunity of killing Joe.

Upstairs in the covered gallery, mutiny was being discussed to the strains of the string quartet. People don’t like to be kept waiting when they’re hungry, but you can’t start before the bride and groom arrive. It was well past 9 P.M. Most of the guests had been seated on chairs with white covers and pink sashes for almost half an hour and not even a bread roll had been served. Candles had been lit at each of the round tables and were in danger of burning out. The applause when the young couple and their VIP guests finally arrived from their photo session was more about the prospect of food than anything else.

Diamond slipped in behind George Brace and Leticia. He already knew where he would be seated. The efficient Caroline had made the seating plan and promised to make sure he was on the next table to her father. But being so close came at a price. He was with the bridesmaids and their mothers.

‘Yoohoo,’ Ondine said, waving. ‘You’re with us.’

‘Here, between Ondine and me,’ Angela said.

‘Don’t ask,’ Ondine said.

They introduced their small daughters, Ondine’s twins, Tonya and Trixie, and Angela’s Gabriella. The bridesmaids didn’t look up. They had already untied the ribbons on their special packs of food and were making short work of the popcorn.

‘And that’s my meal ticket, Jed,’ Ondine said of the tired-looking man across the table. ‘He’s had a skinful already. We see too bloody much of each other all the time, so I don’t need to sit next to him.’

Jed rolled his eyes upwards. He looked as if he needed the break.

To be sure of his bearings, Diamond glanced at the next table where the bride and groom, their parents and the best man were already being served with their starters. Irving didn’t look happy and pushed aside his mango and brie parcel. He could be forgiven. He’d be making the first speech.

‘Mummy, I hate chicken nuggets,’ one of the twins said.

‘Eat the sausage and the carrot sticks, then,’ Ondine told her. ‘You’ve got loads to choose from.’

‘Why can’t we have pizza?’

‘You have what’s put in front of you and you bloody enjoy it.’

‘Can we play?’ Gabriella said.

Her mother Angela said, ‘If you do, the box may be gone when you come back.’

‘Don’t want anymore. It’s rabbit food.’

‘Shush. Aunt Caroline may be listening.’

‘She ain’t.’

Angela winced at the word.

Ondine said, ‘It won’t hurt for them to leave the table. There are speeches to come.’

‘Please,’ the girls said as one.

‘Very well,’ Angela said, ‘but act responsibly.’

Ondine said, ‘Don’t go anywhere near the water. Don’t do nothing we wouldn’t do,’ and then muttered, ‘As if they listen to me.’

The bridesmaids had already run off, at peril to a waitress bringing the starters.

‘They can’t get up to much,’ Ondine said. ‘All the Roman stuff is closed, isn’t it?’

‘Except the Great Bath.’

‘Crimbo — they’re not daft, are they?’

The girls were soon forgotten. Ondine got the giggles when Angela asked Diamond if he would like a roll. He didn’t rise to the joke. The next hour would be a trial.

Among the guests, the starter had banished the hunger pangs and all thoughts of mutiny. Before the main course, the best man stood up and said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for our host, the father of the bride.’

Mr. Big’s big moment.

Diamond didn’t put his hands together. He put his right hand inside his jacket and around the handle of the gun and his left across his chest to cup his chin as if concentrating on the speech.

Joe Irving standing to speak was heaven-sent for a gunman. Being so tall and wide, he was an easier hit than one of the paper targets on the range at the Tri-Force Centre. While being applauded, he drained his glass and looked around for a waiter.

He struck a confident note from the start and he wasn’t reading from a script. ‘Someone fill me up again. Here we are, then. Bit of a comedown for me, this is. As most of you know, a couple of weeks ago I was a guest of Her Majesty, but all good things come to an end and I don’t mind slumming it with you lot for my one and only daughter, Caroline. As well as being pretty, she’s as smart as a smacked bottom. Remember that, Ben. Don’t ever mess Carrie about. She’s sitting here beside me looking like butter wouldn’t melt, but, let’s face it, she made me write the cheques for this bender, and that’s not easy. I’ve known hard men who’d rather put a gun to their heads than tap me for a fiver.’

He was delivering this as if he did it every day and getting laughs and he looked set to continue some time, regardless of the danger he was in, with no concern that his minder’s nerves were as strung out as the festoon lights above him.

‘It’s no secret that I haven’t been much of a father. I wish I’d been there for you more often, Carrie, my love, but stuff happens, as they say. Now you’re grown up I hope you can forgive me and remember the good times. You’ve had a special place in my heart since the day you were born and now I’ve learned to respect you as one very smart lady. You organised all this and got yourself hitched to the son of one of the top cops in town. Who would have thought it? Deputy Chief Constable Brace and serial offender Irving sharing a table at their kids’ wedding.’

Who would have thought it and who was having to deal with it? Peter Diamond, desperate for this sentimental drivel to dry up. He glanced across at George Brace and saw that he, too, was suffering, tearing his paper napkin into shreds and no doubt wishing he’d come in a humble suit instead of the black serge and silver emblems of rank.

Still with his audience lapping up each word, Joe took another swig of champagne and launched into the next phase. ‘I’m supposed to tell you a joke before I sit down, so here goes. Sorry, George, it’s a cop joke, but, Carrie, you can relax, because it’s a clean one. This geezer is out late in his car, about two A.M., when a cop stops him and asks where he’s going. He says, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse.” And the cop says, “At this time of night? Who’s the lecturer?” And he says, “My wife.”’

Enough drink had been consumed for this to get some genuine laughter. The speech had gone well so far. No shots had been fired.

Quit while you’re ahead, Diamond longed to tell him.

‘Tell you another funny thing. I don’t know why, but I have a bit of a reputation. My lawyer is always saying I never hurt a fly. A few flies might tell you different, but they’re not talking no more.’

Pause for laughter.

Joe stopped grinning and lowered his voice and you couldn’t doubt that he was a hard man. ‘I’ll tell you this for nothing. It’s people who disappoint me, people who don’t do as I say. So I’m telling you lot right now there might be a knock on your door tonight’ — he looked around the room and there was a frisson of unease before he gave a playful smile and said — ‘unless you stand up sharp and drink to the success of this marriage. Good health and happiness to the bride and groom, Caroline and Ben.’

It was over.

Cries of ‘Caroline and Ben.’ Thunderous applause. No shots. Joe sat down and basked in the glory.

Strange. All the obvious opportunities had passed by. It was becoming possible to believe that this ill-omened wedding would end without incident. Diamond removed his hand from the gun and drank some of the wine. His thoughts even turned to the main course being served already to the top table. It looked like a roast of some kind. He wouldn’t object to that.

‘He’s a lad, our Uncle Joe,’ Ondine said. ‘I never thought he’d make such a good speech. Lovely, what he said about Caroline.’

‘Smart as a smacked bottom?’ Angela said with a curl of the lip.

‘That was for a laugh. I mean about having a special place in his heart since she was a baby. When he came out with that, I welled up, I really did. What did you think of it, Peter?’

‘Better than I could do.’

The plates arrived before he needed to say more.

‘What is it, beef?’ Ondine asked.

The waiter said, ‘Venison, ma’am.’

‘That’s got to be a first at one of our family weddings,’ Angela said.

‘Smells nice,’ Ondine said. ‘How does it cut?’

‘With a knife, dear.’

‘You crease me up.’

The venison was good, even if the vegetables were judged by the cousins to be undercooked.

‘Make the dinner last, people,’ Ondine said. ‘We’re in for another speech when we clear our plates.’

‘Who from?’

‘The groom. Poor lad, having to follow Uncle Joe. He’s not enjoying his venison. Look at him.’

‘He’ll be all right.’

‘You bet he went to a good school and learned to talk proper. He’s got a lot to think of, thanking Uncle Joe for the nice things he said, and then praising up Caroline. And he mustn’t forget to propose a toast to the bridesmaids.’ She clapped a hand to her mouth. ‘Oh, Christ, where are they, the little demons? They’ve got to be in here for the toast. Jed, we’ve got to round up the girls.’

‘Leave ’em be,’ Jed said from across the table. ‘They don’t want to listen to speeches.’

‘Didn’t you hear me? They’re going to be toasted.’

‘Serve ’em bloody right.’

‘He doesn’t get it,’ Ondine said. ‘He’s half pissed. I’m going to have to go looking.’

‘I’ll come,’ Angela said.

But they were saved the trouble. The three girls came running from the far end of the room.

‘Mummy, Mummy.’

‘Look at the state of you,’ Ondine said. ‘How did you get like that?’

All three had black smears on their pink dresses. Their hands and faces, too, were marked with dirt.

‘Mummy, guess what we found.’

‘You’re a bloody disgrace, all three of you.’

‘A dead body,’ Gabriella said.

Both twins nodded and gave triumphant smiles. ‘We found a dead body.’