Killing with Confetti

27

‘For God’s sake, keep your voices down.’

‘But it’s true, mummy,’ Gabriella said.

Diamond checked his watch.

10:20 P.M.

‘Don’t be so daft.’ Ondine turned to Angela. ‘What are they on about?’

‘I haven’t the faintest idea.’ Angela asked the twins, ‘Where were you — somewhere near the water?’

‘No,’ Trixie said. ‘Mummy said to stay away from the water, so we did.’

‘How did your clothes get in such a state, then, if it wasn’t round the bath?’

‘We had to climb over the wall. Gabbie helped us.’

‘Climb over a wall? Where was this?’

‘Downstairs where the body is.’

‘Shhhh! If Aunt Caroline hears you say such things it will ruin her wedding.’

‘You asked, so I told you,’ Tonya said.

‘Speak quietly, then. You climbed over a wall. Where?’

‘It wasn’t a real wall. We could see through it.’

‘You’ve lost me now.’

Diamond, who was all ears, said, ‘They must be talking about the barriers around the museum exhibits. Some of them are clear plastic.’ He asked Gabriella, ‘Is this a statue you’re talking about?’

‘No.’ Tossing back her hair, her left hand on her hip and her right unfolding in front of her, the image of a little drama queen, she said, ‘It’s a dead person.’

‘Where exactly is it?’

‘In a big place with stepping stones.’

‘Is that why you climbed over, to play on the stepping stones?’

A sigh and a head shake. Grown-ups can be so dense and grown-up men are the densest of all. ‘We wanted to see the body. Anyway, the stones were much too high to play on, high as this table. They were in rows, like bricks on top of each other.’

He’d lived in Bath long enough to know what the child meant. ‘I think she means the hypocaust, the underfloor heating system. Have you been down there?’

Ondine shook her head. ‘Hypo what? Never heard of it. We came for the wedding, not the tourist stuff.’

The tourist stuff was what she now got. ‘The Romans had furnaces that sent hot air through this underground chamber she’s talking about and heated the floor of the sweat-room above. What’s left are stacks of tiles that once supported the flooring, at least a hundred and fifty of them.’

‘Whatever it is, their dresses are ruined,’ Angela said, as uninterested as her cousin in the history of the place.

Trixie started chanting, ‘We found a body, we found a body...’ and the others chimed in.

‘Girls!’

The force of one word from Angela silenced them and caused heads to turn at the next table. She turned to the others. ‘Generally I believe in free expression, especially from my children. Nobody wants to talk of death at a wedding.’

‘So right they don’t, giving everyone the creeps,’ Ondine said. ‘Simmer down, girls. There’s a speech coming up and he’s going to say some nice things about you.’

‘Be patient, and you might get a present from your new uncle,’ Angela added.

Children are easily distracted. The twins eyed each other excitedly and Gabriella asked, ‘What sort of present?’

‘Like a thank-you for being well-behaved bridesmaids.’

‘Yes, but what is it?’

‘How would I know?’

Ondine added, ‘You’ll have to wait and behave yourselves in case he changes his mind.’

Diamond wasn’t sure what to think. The parents disbelieved their own children and the kids themselves weren’t acting as if they’d truly seen a corpse, in spite of what they claimed. Wouldn’t they be shocked or sickened? Not having offspring of his own, he wasn’t sure how young brains worked, particularly modern young brains desensitised by television images. Kids got high on horror these days.

They’d seen something that excited them, obviously, and they’d talked of what could only be the stone piles in the hypocaust, so there was an element of truth for sure. He would have liked to check for himself, but his duty kept him here.

‘When do we get our presents?’ Gabriella asked.

‘It could be soon, I think he’s getting ready to stand up.’

‘I can’t see no presents.’

‘It might be something small, from his pocket.’

‘Like what?’

‘Wait and see. But first we’re all going to button our lips and listen to the speech.’

‘Boring.’

Truth to tell, boring was an understatement. Ben needed a better scriptwriter. Probably Caroline enjoyed the compliments he paid her but most of the audience were relieved the ordeal didn’t last long. At least Ben did the right thing and proposed a toast to the bridesmaids at the end. Then he reached behind him and produced three promising-looking parcels. Each bridesmaid stepped up to receive one and swiftly unwrapped it.

Personalised white bathrobes.

‘Awesome,’ Ondine said. ‘Try them on, girls, and cover up your mucky dresses.’

The robes were a good fit and for a few seconds the girls had the attention of everyone in the room and milked it by parading between the tables with the steps and swirls of fashion models.

‘Now you can give Aunt Caroline a kiss,’ Ondine told them when they returned to the table.

‘Do we have to?’

‘Don’t argue. Do as I bloody say.’

‘After that, can we go off and have another look at the body?’ Gabriella asked.

‘I wish you’d shut up about the body. And don’t you dare mention it to Caroline.’

They did as they were told and the bride hugged each of them in turn and Maurice the photographer got some cute pictures.

‘Can we go now, Mummy?’

‘That wouldn’t be polite and we don’t want you ruining these lovely robes,’ Angela said. ‘Sit down and listen to the next speech. It’s the best man and he’s sure to be funny.’

If he was, it was lost on three-quarters of the room, including the bridesmaids. His in-jokes were a hit with some of the groom’s friends and that was all. Irving appeared bored and George embarrassed by what was being said about his son.

‘Did you follow any of that?’ Angela asked when the young man eventually sat down.

‘Went over my head, darling,’ Ondine said. ‘That’s the last of the speeches, isn’t it? How long have we been sat here? I’ve got a pain in the bum — and for once I don’t mean Jed. Bring on the disco, I say.’

She must have spotted the string quartet packing up their instruments.

The best man was on his feet again.

‘Jesus save us,’ Ondine said. ‘Not another speech?’

It was an announcement that the disco would be starting in five minutes in the reception hall where the receiving line had been.

At the mention of a disco the bridesmaids decided they’d stay. Suddenly the body in the hypocaust had lost its pulling power. Their mothers led the way, followed by Jed, who looked in no shape for dancing. Diamond lingered, waiting for Irving to make a move. When it happened, he got close behind, alert for an attack. But they made it safely to the disco.

The transformation of the reception hall was dramatic. The DJ had set up his work station at one end where the tickets were issued. The main lights were replaced by colours streaking all over the room. Tables had been put around a smallish dance floor. Two were reserved for the bride and groom and their close families.

‘Coo-ee!’ Ondine hailed Diamond. ‘We kept a place for you.’

His heart sank. There was no escape.

The DJ announced himself and said he’d get a great evening underway with the only possible track, Neil Diamond’s ‘Sweet Caroline.’

‘I can dance to that,’ Gabriella piped up.

‘So can I,’ said each of the twins.

‘No you bloody don’t,’ Ondine told them. ‘Everyone waits for the bride and groom to start it off.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s what happens at weddings, that’s why. I’ll tell you when you can join in.’

This new location posed a bigger security risk. Had the gunman been waiting all this time to make the kill when the strobe lights were on? Diamond could see Joe intermittently because he knew where he was seated, but checking for anyone approaching was next to impossible. Guests were moving between tables, keen to stretch their limbs now that the formal part of the evening had ended.

And then it occurred to him that there was nothing to stop him doing the same. He got up and moved to the main table. The bride and groom had already taken to the dance floor and the best man had left his seat, so there was an empty chair beside George Brace, who turned and asked, ‘Something the matter?’

‘Could be nothing. I heard it from the bridesmaids. Don’t know what to make of it.’

Joe Irving across the table also leaned forward and cupped his ear. Wouldn’t hurt for him to know as well. Nobody else was left to listen in. The chatty Leticia had moved away to speak to other guests.

Diamond repeated the melodramatic claim he’d heard from Gabriella and the twins. ‘Their mothers seem to think it’s best forgotten, some tall tale the kids made up.’

Irving had heard enough to want to be in on the discussion. He moved round and planted himself in his daughter’s chair, next to Diamond. ‘The kids found a stiff — is that what you said?’

‘What they said.’

‘I’ll go and look.’

‘Can’t countenance that,’ George said at once. ‘It’s a job for the police. Your safety is paramount.’

‘My choice, right?’

‘No,’ Diamond said in support of George. ‘Our call, not yours.’

‘Get away. Who paid for this party?’

‘You could easily walk into a trap.’

‘Kids setting me up?’ Joe said. ‘Give me a break.’

‘I’m your protection officer and I must insist you remain here.’

‘I never asked for a fucking minder.’

‘But you’re still breathing.’

The crime king wasn’t used to being defied, but he smirked. ‘Thanks to you, copper, is that what you’re saying?’

‘The day isn’t over yet.’

George took out his phone. ‘I’m calling for assistance. It wouldn’t be wise for any of us three to go looking for this body, or whatever it may be. My best guess is that some drunk came in from the rain and found a dry place to sleep it off.’

‘While you’re doing that, I need a slash,’ Joe said, getting up. ‘And I don’t need no witness.’

‘You’re getting one,’ Diamond said at once. ‘I’m coming with you.’ He would make sure the evil jerk didn’t go wandering and visit the hypocaust.

The toilets were close by, in the corridor near the entrance. They fell in step with Maurice the photographer, evidently on the same mission, cameras still dangling from his neck.

‘Do I know you?’ he asked Diamond. ‘Maurice Ableman. I have a feeling we met before.’

‘Snap,’ Diamond said, ‘But I can’t remember when. I’m Peter Diamond.’

Irving said, ‘Better tell him you’re fuzz. He might not want to know you.’

‘That’s it,’ Maurice said. ‘The police. Before I went freelance I worked with a crime scene unit. Three years ago. The Somerset sniper.’

Diamond remembered now. At any major incident the CSI people came and went and there was rarely much said to the photographer.

‘Are you still serving?’ Maurice asked.

‘They never give up,’ Irving said.

Diamond nodded and left it at that. He was pleased to have one mystery explained.

When they returned to the disco, the small dance space was filled with wedding guests of all ages executing a variety of jerky movements that passed for dancing. The exhausted bridesmaids and their parents had left. They had a key to Uncle Joe’s house. No more had been said about the corpse.

George was still at the table and Leticia was with him. ‘Here you are,’ she said. ‘I was starting to think you guys had jumped ship.’

‘No way,’ Irving said. ‘This is the fun part of the evening.’

‘Let’s put that to the test, Joe. Before you sit down, you and I must take to the floor.’

‘And dance, you mean?’ Panic passed across Irving’s features.

‘It’s your treat as the father of the bride. You get to dance with the groom’s mum. And don’t look like that or I’ll speak to Caroline.’

The ultimate threat.

Leticia was used to getting her way. She didn’t exactly drag Joe towards the dancing, but she grasped his arm as if she’d made a citizen’s arrest.

Left alone at the table, Diamond asked George whether he’d got through to headquarters.

‘Late Saturday night,’ he said. ‘Ongoing incidents all over. Multiple vehicle crash in the Wells Road and some kind of knife fight in Kingsmead Square. Our call is grade two. They’ll let me know when they can get a patrol car here. Let’s hope it’s not for nothing.’

Diamond’s thoughts were elsewhere, in the hypocaust, as he tried to watch the dancers with the strobe lights flashing over them, creating freeze-frame effects, Leticia making the movements of a knife-throwing act with Joe the petrified assistant hoping the blades would miss. ‘Do we know what time this ends?’

‘Last orders at midnight,’ George said. ‘We must all be out by twelve-thirty. A bloody long day. I appreciate your efforts, Peter.’

‘Do you think Irving will stick it out to the end?’

‘That depends on Leticia. Now she’s got him on the floor, he won’t escape until her legs give way. But at least he’s not been attacked by anyone apart from my good lady. We’re coming out of this better than I dared hope.’

‘And you?’

‘Me?’ George said.

‘Your reputation. Did the press get hold of the story? I haven’t seen anything.’

‘It could still happen. People taking pictures with their phones. It only needs one of me sitting with you-know-who. Minutes later it’s all over social media.’

Diamond knew about that from personal experience.

‘One good thing,’ George added. ‘I don’t have any worries with the official photographer. Maurice used to work with the police.’

‘I remember now.’

‘Too much to hope today’s blast will pass unnoticed, but we can be thankful the story didn’t break before the wedding and ruin the day for Ben and Caroline. They’ll have nice memories, thank God.’ He pulled out his phone again. ‘Or am I tempting fate? There’s a voice message.’ He listened. ‘The patrol car is here. They found a body.’