Killing with Confetti

9

Back in the house they shared, Caroline lay on her side of the bed clutching the duvet to her chin and agonizing over whether she really needed to tell Ben the reason she couldn’t marry him. She couldn’t keep it to herself indefinitely. He was hurt, deeply hurt, and her heart went out to him. After they’d walked back from the Assembly Rooms without holding hands or making any kind of contact, he’d said he would shower and go straight to bed. He’d blown her a kiss — more painful to take than if he’d ignored her altogether. She’d made hot cocoa and drunk it alone in the kitchen. How pathetic was that?

She’d crept upstairs, collected a nightie from the airing cupboard and undressed in the bathroom.

When she finally got into the bed they shared, Ben was lying with his face to the wall. She knew he wasn’t asleep yet, however regular his breathing sounded. They’d fallen out a few times before — of course they had — and always found a way to make up before they slept. Some of the best sex they’d shared had started with them forgiving each other, putting injured feelings into passionate lovemaking. The heady mix of guilt and blame worked like an aphrodisiac — you’re a selfish, ignorant punk and I can’t get enough of you. Treat me like the tart I am and don’t even think about saying you’re tired.

But this falling out was in another class. Nothing so trivial as a thoughtless remark. Her rejection of his proposal was a threat to their relationship and the fault was entirely hers because she’d avoided saying what she should have come out with at the beginning. Right now it was screamingly obvious to her that Ben needed to be told what was behind the rebuff. In his own eyes he’d made a fool of himself, psyching up to make the big romantic proposal only to have it treated like a bad smell. There was no way of getting over that, short of rolling over and saying I was wrong, my love, I want to be your bride and let’s name the day.

She couldn’t do that.

Outside, the fireworks had finished. Determined party people would stay dancing and drinking until dawn, but most would have decided the best way to celebrate was in bed with a partner of their choice.

Even if she plucked up the courage to tell him the truth, she couldn’t see how it would change anything.

She may have drifted into a shallow sleep when Ben spoke. She had no idea what time it was.

‘You still awake?’

‘Mm.’

‘I won’t sleep at all unless we talk.’

‘Same with me.’ But her heart raced.

He didn’t exactly sigh. More like a heavy breath to release pent-up emotion. ‘Tonight came as a shock to me. I didn’t expect—’

‘I know,’ she said, to help him. ‘My fault. I was caught by surprise as well.’

‘I’ve been trying to see it from your point of view. I screwed up, obviously. The timing was wrong. Should have given you some clue what I was planning.’

‘That would have spoilt the surprise,’ she said.

‘You called it a shock.’

‘The word slipped out. I’m sorry.’

‘Springing it on you was my big mistake, wasn’t it?’

‘Not really,’ she said. ‘If you’d put it in writing I’d have given you the same answer.’

After a pause, Ben said, ‘Listen, Caroline, if you’re not ready to commit to me, I can take it. We haven’t known each other all that long.’

‘It’s nothing like that,’ she told him. ‘Don’t you think inviting you to live with me proves I’m committed, as you put it? You’d better believe me, I don’t make a habit of shacking up with men.’ Even as she was speaking she knew her words were coming out in a way that was more challenging than disarming.

‘You haven’t changed your mind about me?’

‘Oh, Ben.’

‘I could understand. I wouldn’t like it. I’d hate it, but, fair enough, being with someone twenty-four-seven isn’t the same as just going on dates. We could still see each other.’

He was practically offering to pack his things and leave. Wise up, woman, an inner voice told her. You’re going to lose him.

He was entitled to an explanation.

Now or never.

She took an even tighter grip on the duvet. ‘It’s like this. I can’t even think about marrying you because of who I am. My dad is doing time in prison. He’s a professional criminal, Ben. I can’t even say he went wrong once and got caught. He’s a gang leader. It’s a business, an empire. Other men, really bad men, work for him, breaking the law all the time.’

Ben was silent. She had no idea how he’d taken her shabby secret. She was staring into darkness, speaking at the ceiling.

‘I grew up without knowing. You see, my mother drowned when I was four, so he’s the only parent I’ve got. He brought me up, got me over the loss of Mummy and made sure I didn’t grieve for long. I took it as normal having him dress me and feed me. Sometimes there were au pairs who took over when he was busy on other things, but he was the constant in my life. Looking back, he did a wonderful job as a single parent. True, we weren’t hard up or anything. As I got older he put me through prep school and made sure I had ballet lessons and my own pony, all that stuff, which some of the others couldn’t afford, and we had trips to Europe and America and Caribbean holidays. He was a free man in those days. Only when I got to secondary school — I was at Clifton College, with fees of over thirty thousand a year — did I discover that Daddy’s income from private means, as he put it, wasn’t the same as the private means most of my friends’ parents lived on. I was a boarder and none of us saw much of our families. But inevitably the day came when my so-called best friend got to hear that Daddy had been arrested and was on trial for ABH — actual bodily harm — and blurted it out to the next person she saw and of course it went round the school in a matter of hours. I can’t begin to tell you how my world was shattered. Thirteen years old and I find out my father’s a criminal. The mockery was cruel, my holier-than-thou housemates turning on the girl who wasn’t one of them any longer.’

A murmur of understanding came from Ben, but no comment.

‘It was all over the media, about him being a gangland king they’d been trying to nail for years. The case came to trial and he had a top QC to defend him and still got the maximum seven years. He was released after serving about half that, I think. I didn’t want to know. Daddy wouldn’t have wished me to know. I spent the school holidays with a family my house matron found for me and they were lovely people, but it was like being fostered. I felt old enough to look after myself. After I finished at Clifton and went to uni, I took a student loan and tried to strike out on my own. I couldn’t ignore Daddy completely. He’s notorious. He was back in the news every so often. Back in jail more often than not. When they’ve got their man they make sure he isn’t at liberty for long. People in my year would hear of it, but students aren’t so bitchy as schoolgirls. I was doing my best to lead my own life, be independent, but you know how tough it is on a student loan.’

He confirmed the truth of this with a grunt. She guessed he was too shell-shocked to speak.

‘I was almost forty thousand in the red when suddenly out of the blue a bank statement arrived and I was in the clear, my loan paid off. All of it. I don’t know how Daddy fixed it from inside, but he did.’ Caroline sighed, not proud of what she was about to admit, but needing to complete her story. ‘I’m afraid I let it happen, trying not to think how he came by the funds. I worry that I may be a criminal myself, living off the proceeds of crime. I should have cut myself off from him, but I never have. I can’t. It isn’t really about the money. He’d reached out to me, shown he cared. I don’t know if you can understand this, Ben, but he’s still my dad and I love him, whatever he’s done.’

He said, ‘I do understand.’

Hearing his voice came as a huge relief. For the last few minutes she’d been speaking into a vacuum, but Ben seemed ready to respond, so she came quickly to the point. ‘He’s the reason I can’t face getting married. He’ll insist on paying and he’ll want the wedding of the year, a service in the abbey with me in a dress like Princess Diana’s, the men in morning suits, his gang members filling the pews on the bride’s side. I can’t bear to think of it.’

‘But you said he’s in prison,’ Ben said.

‘He’d fix that. When someone as close as your own daughter is getting married, you see the governor and ask for release on temporary licence. I might have to accept a couple of prison officers walking up the aisle with us like bridesmaids. Can you imagine?’

‘Are you sure about that?’

‘If he isn’t a risk to anyone and he’s cooperated in prison they can’t really refuse. Big family occasions like weddings and funerals. I’m sure he will have played his hand well, steered clear of trouble. The parole board will agree to it.’

‘What’s to stop us getting married without him knowing? We don’t have to have a church wedding.’

‘I couldn’t, Ben. He’s the only family I’ve got. It would hurt him.’

‘He’s hurt you.’

‘Not knowingly. Besides, what are your parents going to make of it, your dad a senior policeman?’

‘He doesn’t have to know either.’

‘I’m sorry, but that’s wishful thinking. It’s the job of the police to collect intelligence on crime barons like Daddy. If you didn’t tell your father you were marrying Joe Irving’s daughter one of his staff would tell him first. Then can you imagine the problems he’d face in his job? It could easily destroy his career.’

Ben had no answer to that. Caroline knew the conflict going on his head. She’d had longer to think about it and there was no solution. George Brace was a decent man who had worked his way up and was in sight of becoming a Chief Constable.

She said, ‘Well, now you know what I didn’t want to talk about in the Assembly Rooms. I suppose I’m in denial, desperately wanting to believe Daddy has a heart of gold when all the evidence says he’s an out-and-out villain. You have a mother and a father. It’s different when your dad is the only family you’ve got.’

‘Is that why you still call him Daddy?’

‘I haven’t seen much of him in my adult years. Does it sound juvenile? I suppose it does.’

Ben said, ‘There’s a way round this. There’s got to be. I don’t care what your father has done with his life. It’s you I want to marry.’ His hand reached out to hers and found it.

She turned towards him and their lips met.

‘You’re cold,’ Ben said, pulling her closer.

‘It’s the way I get when I’m scared.’

‘Scared of who? Not me, I hope.’

‘Scared of how you’d take it.’

‘We can work something out. There’s got to be a way.’

‘I don’t see how.’

‘Now that you’ve told me the problem, we can sort it. New year. New beginnings. We’re neither of us stupid. Tomorrow let’s put our heads together and think this through.’ He shifted even closer. ‘Right now you need warming up.’

Not much of a chat-up line, but true.

As they were already in bed, words didn’t matter much.