Last Orders

Vince

But a good motor aint just a good motor.

A good motor is a comfort and companion and an asset to a man, as well as getting him from A to B. I can't speak for women. Mandy drives like it's nothing special, like a car is a handbag. But a good motor deserves respect, treat it right and it treats you right. And if needs be you can take it apart and see how it works. It aint no mystery.

People curse 'em. They say, curse of our time. But I say, aint it amazing? Aint it amazing there's this thing that exists so everyone can jump in and travel where they please? Can't imagine a world without motors. There's nothing finer, if you ask me, there's nothing that shows better that you're alive and humming and living in this present day and age than when you squeeze the juice and burn up road and there are the signs and the lights and the white lines all so it can happen and everything's moving, going. Where are we? Gravesend, 3 miles. We're coming up to Gravesend. Or when you're cruising through town on a hot day with your shades on and your arm dangling out the window and a ciggy dangling from the end of your arm and some skirt to clock on the pavement. Ridin' along in my automobeeel...

And I always say it aint the motor by itself, it's the combination of man and motor, it's the intercombustion. A motor aint nothing without a man to tweak its buttons. And sometimes a man aint nothing without a motor, I see that. Motorvation, I call it. Fit the car to the customer, that's what I say. I aint just a car dealer, I'm a car tailor. I'm an ace mechanic too, as it happens, I know engines like you know your wife's fanny, but I've moved on from them days. A good motor's like a good suit.

He said, Tm sorry, Mr Dodds, I'm very sorry to hear it.'

Oily twat.

I said, 'Business as usual, Mr Hussein. Want to run it round the block?'

So we got in the Merc.

He said, 'When's the funeral?'

I said, 'Thursday. Engine's good as new. Paintwork and trim's all custom.'

He said, 'A sad blow, Mr Dodds, the worst, losing a father.'

I said, 'Front suspension needs a peek, I'll see to that. Shift's smooth as cream, aint it?'

He thinks, Jack's dead so I'm an easy touch.

I said, 'Usual guarantees.'

We went along Jamaica Road, doubling back at the Rotherhithe roundabout.

He said, 'Let me think about it.'

Which means he might not buy. Which means he's getting tired of Kath. Which means I aint got no hold and I don't get no extra.

And I'm already a grand under.

We came back down Abbey Street and parked by the kerb and we sat there for a bit. But you always let the punter think about it.

I said, 'I've had lots of inquiries, Mr H, but - you know me - your first pickings.'

He said, 'Say - till Friday. Kathy'll go to the funeral of course.'

I said, 'You asking or telling?'

Puts a dampener on it, does it, if your doxy has to wear a long face? Has to traipse off and pay respects.

He said, 'Asking.'

I said, 'It's up to her.' Which means it's up to him. 'It's a beautiful motor, Mr H. And it's you all over. I don't even know if I'll go myself.'

He looks at me all confused. He thinks, Jack's dead so I'm a pushover.

I said, 'You mean Kath aint ever told you? She aint ever said?'

It's the best thing that's ever been invented. If it hadn't been invented we'd've had to invent it. And it aint just a seat on wheels. It's a workmate. It's a mate. It won't ask no questions, it won't tell no lies. It's somewhere you can be and be who you are. If you aint got no place to call your own, you're okay in a motor.