Last Orders

Ray

I say, 'It's all right, Vince, You go ahead.'

Because IVe sat down suddenly in one of the wooden seats in the side-aisle, clutching the bag, like some old geezer on a shopping trip who's run out of puff.

He looks down at me, holding the guidebook, and I can see Lenny and Vie at the far end of the aisle. I reckon they moved off pretty smart, like they knew me and Vincey might have business to discuss.

He says, 'You okay, Lucky?'

I say, 'Yeh, give me a mo.'

He flips shut the guidebook. 'Gabbing on a bit, was I?'

I say, 'No, it wasn't that.'

He looks at me.

There aim no hiding, if it's true what they say, least of all in a church. Because He's supposed to see everything, innermost thoughts. But I reckon if Vince can't tell, if he can't see my innermost, and if it was his thousand in the first place and he gave it to Jack in his dying days, on his death-bed, he's not going to ask for it back, not now. Like asking for the money back you've put in the collection box. He aint going to tell no one.

And Jack aint going to tell no one.

He looks at me. 'You sure?'

'Yeh, give us a mo. You go on.'

He looks at me. Then he looks round quickly at the pillars and the arches and the windows, then back at me as if he's twigged the situation. Except he aint twigged it all. And I'm saying to myself, Miserable sinner. That's what you're supposed to tell yourself, miserable sinner. You're supposed to sink down on your knees. But all I'd been thinking, suddenly, was that it's a far cry, all this around me, from what I'm carrying in my hand, all this glory-hallelujah, from Jack and his drips. What's a plastic jar up against this lot? What's the lick and spit of a human life against fourteen centuries? And it was the same as I thought at that crematorium, though I never told no one, that none of it had to do with him, none of it. The velvet curtains, the flowers, the amens, the music. I stood there, looking at the curtains, trying to make it have to do with him, and Vie says, touching my arm, 'You can go now, Ray.' Because nothing aint got to do with Jack, not even his own ashes. Because Jack's nothing.

So I had to sit down, sink down, like I'd been hit. Like Vincey'd taken a swing at me an' all.

He says, 'Okay, Raysy, fair enough. Take it easy.' I say, 'Here,' handing him the bag, looking at him, 'I'll catch you up,' and he takes the bag, looking at me. He half moves to slip the guidebook into it but thinks again. Then he walks off, slowly, along the side-aisle, along the row of pillars, in his camel-hair coat, mud on his trousers. Lenny and Vie have reached a spot where some stone steps go up and they stop there for a bit like they're wondering which way to go. Then Vince catches up with them. He taps Lenny on the shoulder and Lenny turns and Vince holds out the plastic bag and Lenny takes it.