Little Apples

I realized that, without meaning to, I had destroyed a most idyllic trio.

A DOCTOR’S ROMANCE

On achieving physical maturity and bringing one’s studies to completion, it is fitting to opt for feminam unam in addition to a dowry quantum satis.

That is precisely what I did: I took feminam unam (taking two wives is prohibited) as well as a dowry. Even the ancients called those to account who married without insisting on a dowry. (Ichthyosaurus, XII.3)

I prescribed for myself horses, a loge in the dress circle, began imbibing vinum gallicum rubrum, and bought myself a seven hundred–ruble fur coat. In short, I set out on a life of a lege artis nature.

My wife’s habitus was passable. Height: average. Skin and mucous membranes: normal. Subcutaneous layer of fat: adequate. Chest: satisfactory (no crackling). Vesicular breathing: regular heart sounds.

Psychological diagnosis: the only deviation from the norm is that my wife is chatty and somewhat loud. I am now suffering from acoustic hyperesthesia of the right auditory nerve. Whenever I examine a patient’s tongue I think of my wife, a thought that leads to an increased heart rate. How right the philosopher was who maintained: Lingua est hostis hominum amicusque diaboli et feminarum.

Mater feminae, my mother-in-law (a mammal), suffers from the same ailments as my wife: when the two of them spend twenty-three hours out of twenty-four shouting at the top of their lungs, I show signs of mental derangement, combined with suicidal tendencies.

As my esteemed medical colleagues will confirm, nine-tenths of all women suffer from a condition that Charcot has defined as hyperesthesia of the vocal organs. The remedy he suggests is amputation of the tongue, an operation with which he promises to rid mankind of one of its worst ailments. But alas! Billroth, who carried out this operation on numerous occasions, attests in his memoirs that after the operation women learned to speak by using their fingers, which had an even more deleterious effect on their husbands. (Memor. Acad., 1878) I propose a different course of treatment (cf. my dissertation). Amputation of the tongue should be performed, as Charcot proposes, but, relying on Professor Billroth’s findings, I suggest combining said amputation with a directive that the subject be made to wear mittens. (I have noted that individuals suffering from muteness who wear mittens are wordless even when hung.)