Little Apples

VISITING CARDS

Before me on the table lie the visiting cards with which my dear acquaintances have graced me for the New Year. They send them so that the postman can wear out his new shoes and doff his cap at my maid. As an ancient philosopher once said: “Tell me who sends you his visiting card, and I will tell you with whom you are acquainted.” Should anyone be interested in my acquaintances, these are their cards:

An earl’s coronet. Beneath it letters that smack of both Gothic and the provincial: “Citoyen d’honneur, Klim Ivanovich Deludedsky.”

A visiting card with a golden border and a folded corner: “Jean Pifficoff.” This Jean is a hulking fellow with a hoarse bass voice who exudes an aroma of vinegar, and roams the earth in search of someone who has an ounce of pity for a man fate has not been kind to, who has a ruble to lend him, and who will offer him a glass of vodka.

Court Councilor and Chevalier, Dioscur Hemorrhoidovich Lodkin.

Savaty Candelabrovich Buzzer-Wanderoffsky, Member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Agent of the Salamandra Fire Insurance Company, Roving Reporter for Volna, and Sales Representative for Singer & Co. sewing machines, etc.

Monsieur Franz Emilievich Pudique, Instructor in Social Dances and French Conversation.

Priestly Monk, Father Jeremiah.

A prince’s coronet. Valentin Sisoyevich Sheet-Ofpaperoff, high school student.

A nondescript coronet. State Councilor Erast Crinolinovich Headlongoff.

Prince Agop Minayevich Obshiavishvili, Crimean and Georgian Wines and Spirits.

Also cards from, among others: Barrister’s assistant Mitrofan Alexeyevich Bright-Redovich, Dysenteria Alexandrovna Imensova, Nikita Spevsipovich Runoff . . . Deacon Pyotr Ourdailybreadsky . . . Ivan Ivanich Diabolikoff, Editorial Assistant, Rebus Magazine . . . Antisemite Antisemitovich Okrets, Editor in Chief, Luch Magazine.