Little Apples

FEAST-DAY GRATUITIES

(From the Notebook of a Provincial Scrounger)

Ilist the donors one by one:

House No. 113. At apartment number 2, we came upon an individual of some education, who was quite well-intentioned to all appearances, if somewhat peculiar. Handing us our feast-day gratuity, he said: “Being a man of means, I am happy to offer this gratuity, but being at the same time a man of science who is accustomed to understanding objects and actions by studying their roots and causes, I would like to ask if there is a moral law by which you go from house to house collecting holiday gratuities, or if there is no such law and you are acting à vol d’oiseau?”14

As I espied in this question a thirst for knowledge, I sat down at his table that was decked with tasty morsels, and offered the following explanation: “Gratitude is a quality inherent in lofty and noble souls. It is a quality intrinsic in man, and it is our duty to further it in every way possible among the people of this town, and not to let it die. A townsman who gives feast-day gratuities is, accordingly, exercising the beneficence of gratitude. It is in fact our duty to train you without respite in this sense of gratitude—on weekdays as well as feast days. But since, in addition to collecting gratuities, we have so many other responsibilities, the townsfolk must settle for a few days in the year for this training, in the hope that in the future, as human relations develop, gratuities will be proffered on a daily basis.”

House No. 114. The owner, a Mr. Schweyn, gave me ten rubles with a sugary smile and a hearty handshake. One can only surmise that the old rogue has a messy backyard, or that he has someone living in the house illegally.

House No. 115. Madame Perechudova, the wife of the titular counselor, was put out when I entered her drawing room in my dirty galoshes. (Incidentally, she gave me three rubles.) Her lodger, Bryukhansky, when I requested that he fulfill his civic duty, refused so to do owing to a lack of funds. I explained to him: “On the evening of a feast day every townsman, before undertaking his usual expenditures on small luxuries, must weigh how much he will give and to whom, after consulting with the members of his family. He then divides the money depending on the number of recipients. If he has no money, he secures a loan; if for some reason he cannot secure a loan, he gathers his family and flees to Egypt . . . I wonder, sir, that you can even speak to me!” (I made note of his name.)

House No. 116. General Brindin, living in apartment number 3, proffering us five rubles said: “In my day I waged a battle against this evil, but for naught. The collecting of feast-day gratuities by toadies such as you is an insuperable evil! Here, take this and go to hell!”

A great general—but what a strange notion of civic duty.

14 A comical misuse of the French term for “as the crow flies.” [Translator]