Little Apples

THE ECLIPSE

Memorandum No. 1032

There is to be an eclipse of the planet moon on September the twenty-second at ten o’clock at night. This phenomenon, far from being unlawful, is in fact of some possible educational benefit (if seen from the point of view that even planets must frequently subject themselves to the laws of nature), I propose that Your Excellencies order that on said evening all street lanterns in your districts shall be lit so that the darkness of night will not prevent officials and townsfolk from seeing the eclipse. I also urge Your Excellencies to ensure that every precaution be taken to hinder any gathering of crowds in the streets, shouts of joy, and other such behavior that said eclipse might occasion. I ask you to inform me of all persons who might interpret this natural phenomenon subversively, should there be such persons (which I doubt, as I know how sensible townsfolk generally are).

Gnilodushin

Witnessed by: Secretary Tryasunov

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Re: Memorandum No. 1032

In response to document no. 1032 circulated by Your Excellency, I have the honor to inform you that in my district we have no street lanterns, for which reason the eclipse of the planet moon took place in full darkness of the air, which, however, did not prevent many of the people assembled from perceiving said eclipse with fitting clarity. No infringement of the general peace and quiet or subversive interpretations or expressions of dissatisfaction were ascertained, except for one instance when the son of Deacon Amfiloch Babelmandebsky, a tutor, in response to a question from one of the townsfolk as to the cause of said eclipse of the planet moon, launched into a lengthy explanation clearly subversive for healthy minds. I did, however, not understand the gist of his explanation, as he spoke in scientific terms using many foreign expressions.

Ukusy-Kalanchevsky

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Re: Memorandum No. 1032

In answer to Your highly esteemed Excellency in matters of document no. 1032, I have the honor to inform you that in the province entrusted to my care there was no eclipse of the moon, though some phenomenon of nature did in fact manifest itself in the sky, which led to a darkening of the lunar light, though I cannot say with certainty whether this was the eclipse or not. Following an exhaustive search, three street lanterns were ascertained to be in my district, which, after scrubbing the glass and the insides, were lit. But these measures did not have the desired results, for said eclipse took place at a moment when the lanterns, as the result of a gust of wind blowing through their broken glass, went out, and hence could not illuminate the eclipse referred to in Your Excellency’s memorandum. There were no gatherings, as all the townsfolk were asleep except for one clerk of the district council, Ivan Avelev, who was sitting on the fence and peering at the eclipse through his fist, grinning equivocally. “Same to me whether there’s a moon or not . . . I don’t give a hoot!” he said. When I informed him that these words were whimsical, he boldly declared: “What are you defending the moon for, lamebrain! You’ll be sending it season’s greetings next!” And he added an immoral expression in local parlance, which I will have the honor of reporting him for.

Glotalov

Witnessed by: A man without a spleen