Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Ken Burns has done a bunch of documentaries about things, like the Civil War. He wasn’t around for the Civil War, just like we weren’t really around for most of Rachel’s life. I mean, we were, but we weren’t paying attention. That sounds horrible, but you know what I mean. Or, maybe it’s just horrible. I don’t know.

Look: We haven’t been following Rachel around with a camera for her entire life in order to get footage for an eventual documentary. You can’t really get mad at me for that.

Anyway, the Ken Burns style is to show a bunch of photos and old footage taken by other people, along with voiceovers and interviews and stuff. It’s a very easy style to copy, so this was our designated Plan B after the get-well video idea failed. Unfortunately, we really only had one person to interview: Denise. And Denise was going through a rough time. Her only child had cancer, and Rachel’s father—I probably forgot to mention this earlier—was estranged from the family.

Interviewing this woman was a total nightmare.

INT. KUSHNER LIVING ROOM — DAY

GREG

offscreen

So, Denise. Can you tell me a bit about Rachel’s birth?

DENISE

distractedly

Oh, Rachel’s birth.

GREG

offscreen

Yes.

DENISE

Rachel’s birth. What an ordeal.

inexplicably loudly

She was never much of a fighter. She’s always been a quiet girl, just so sweet, never wanting to fight, and now I don’t know what to do. I can’t make her fight, Greg.

GREG

offscreen

Uh, right.

DENISE

I raised a girl who’s sweet, and . . . and lovely, but not tough.

GREG

offscreen

So what was she like as a baby? Did she have a favorite toy?

DENISE

distractedly

She used to read . . . books.

uncomfortable pause

Greg, I’m a good mother. But I don’t know how to get her through this. It’s like, God forbid, she doesn’t want to live anymore.

GREG

offscreen

So, as a baby, she liked to . . . read books.

DENISE

firmly, sort of robotically

I’m a good mother. I’ve been a good mother to her.

We made an attempt to interview Rachel’s grandparents over the phone, but that was possibly an even more depressing failure.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mr. Lubov—this is Greg, a friend of Rachel’s.”

“Who?”

“A friend of your granddaughter, Rachel.”

“Whose friend?”

“Your granddaughter. Rachel.”

“Hang on. (Janice. It’s for you. I said it’s for you. The phone. No, I don’t know where it is. The phone, Janice.)”

“. . .”

“Who is this?”

“Hi, my name is Greg. I’m a friend of your granddaughter, Rachel.”

“Rachel lives . . . Rachel lives with her mother.”

“I know—I’m doing a documentary? About Rachel?”

“You’re doing a—oh.”

“I was wondering if I could ask you some questions?”

“What?”

“Can I ask you some questions about Rachel?”

“Ask her mother. Denise.”

“It’s for a film, to make her happy.”

“OK, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know how to help you. But if you’re looking for Rachel, she lives with her mother, Denise.”

“Um . . . OK, thanks.”

I hung up because it sounded like Rachel’s grandma was about to cry. But sometimes grandmas just sound like that. Either way: excruciating.

There wasn’t much footage lying around for us to use, either. There was one vacation video that Denise let us look at, but we were really hesitant to use it.

EXT. BEACH, PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND — DAY

The sky is gray. The sand is dark, as though it has just rained. It looks as though it may rain again. RACHEL is sitting heavily on a towel, doing nothing, facing the sea.

DENISE

offscreen

Hi honey!

Rachel turns to face the camera and says nothing. Her face is expressionless.

DENISE

offscreen

Here we are on beautiful Prince Edward Island. There’s little Rachel, and there’s Bill.

PAN to BILL, next to an umbrella. He is in an elaborate beach chair with TWO BEER HOLDERS, both containing beers.

BILL

too loudly

We’re having a GREAT TIME.

DENISE

offscreen, fake cheerful

Bill’s a little grumpy because of the weather!

BILL

Denise, can you just turn that thing off.

DENISE

offscreen

Can you at least try to enjoy yourself.

BILL

What does it LOOK LIKE I’M DOING.

Let’s put it this way: If I were Rachel, lying in bed feeling awful, this would not make the list of Scenes I Would Want to Be Watching in a Movie.

And actually, everything we put together via the Ken Burns method failed that test. In essence, we were trying to put together a biography of a girl who hadn’t lived very long and hadn’t really had that interesting of a life. I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true. None of it was interesting to watch. And a lot of it was sort of painful.

And then taken as a whole, the documentary-of-Rachel’s-life idea was really painful, because we never came out and said it, but basically the message was: Now that your life is over, we can summarize it. So here’s a summary of all of your life. There maybe isn’t a worse thing that we could have said.

So we needed a new method. And it needed to be much better. Otherwise, we were going to kill ourselves.

Meanwhile, things were going shitty with Rachel. I mean, it was usually just more of the same.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — EVENING

GREG

So I was thinking today: Strawberry is my favorite flavor of candy. But I don’t actually like strawberries that much. And then I realized, strawberry-flavored candy doesn’t actually taste like strawberries at all. So what does it taste like? That’s got to be the taste of something, right? Is there this delicious mystery fruit out there that I don’t know about? I want to eat that fruit, you know? I want to eat the hell out of it.

Or then I was thinking, does an animal maybe taste like that? Like maybe if you ate, I don’t know, a walrus, it would have that awesome taste, but the guys who make Airheads are afraid to say, walrus-flavored Airheads.

RACHEL

weakly

Yeah.

GREG

Yo, is that a new pillow? I think that’s a lady pillow over there. Hey . . .

whispering

Would you mind introducing me to her? Because she’s totally fine. You don’t have to if it’s awkward.

RACHEL

possibly trying to laugh

hhhhnnh

GREG

panicking

Holy shit, I forgot. What time is it? It’s after five? I have to do Pigeon Man. Sorry, it’s part of my new exercise regimen.

crossing eyes, bobbing head, strutting

PIGEON MAN. PIGEON MAN. WALKS LIKE A PIGEON. PIGEON MAN. POOPS ON YOU, FROM THE SKY. HE’S THE PIGEON-EST MAN.

RACHEL

Greg, you don’t have to—try to make me laugh.

GREG

What?

RACHEL

You don’t have to put on—a show.

GREG

feeling like shit

OK.