Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

For Plan E we didn’t even use Dad’s camera. We used the low-quality camera on my laptop. We were inspired by YouTube. God help us.

Like whiny boring people all over the world, we decided that the best way of expressing ourselves was just to stare into the camera and talk. No script, no camera movement, no special lighting. We decided to strip all the effects away and see what was left.

Was this a terrible idea? Please stand by while I forward your question to the President of Yestonia.

INT. GREG’S ROOM — DAY

GREG

So. Rachel.

EARL

Sup Rachel.

GREG

We’ve tried, uh, a bunch of different ways of making a film for you, and uh, none of them have really turned out the way we wanted.

If you don’t script your dialogue, first of all, you’re going to pause and say “uh” at least a billion times. So for starters, you’re talking as though you’ve just suffered a semi-serious head injury.

EARL

We tried to do somethin with sock puppets, and it didn’t seem to be very relevant to your, uh, situation.

GREG

Uh, we had everyone at school say get-well wishes for the camera, but uh, you’ve already had a bunch of get-well cards, and we, uh, wanted to do something more uh personal than that.

EARL

We tried to do a documentary about you. Uhh

GREG

Uhhhhh

EARL

There was a shortage of material, to, uh, work with.

GREG

We tried this, uh, complicated stop-motion, uh, animation thing, to get you fired up about beating cancer, but, uh. It ended up just really goofy and, uh, not what we wanted.

EARL

So, now we’re, uh, trying this.

BOTH

[garbled]

GREG

You go.

EARL

Naw, you go.

GREG

Just go.

EARL

slowly, somehow painfully

Uh . . . All right. Uh. You probably don’t understand how grateful I am to have gotten to know you. Because first of all, the odds of that happening, normally, would be very low, because, speaking perfectly honestly, we don’t travel in the same circles, you and me. So it feels like . . . a blessing, to have had you in my life these past few weeks.

I admire a lot of things about you. I admire how smart you are, how perceptive, and observant. But, uh. What I’m just really in awe of, is your, uh, I don’t know how to put it. I guess, your patience. If it was me, I would be angry, and miserable, and, and hurtful, and just terrible to be around. And you’ve been so strong throughout, and so patient, even when things aren’t going right, and I’m in awe of that. And you’ve made me feel, uh, blessed.

finishing, husky-voiced

So, uh, yeah.

How the fuck was I supposed to follow that.

The basic problem was, Earl meant everything he said, and I couldn’t say the same stuff without lying. Because Earl is just a better person than me. I don’t want to sound like a melodramatic jackass, but that’s the truth. I was pretty sure I couldn’t say anything sensitive, and reassuring, and touching, without it being a lie.

EARL (CONT’D)

choked up and now sort of angry

Your turn.

Was Rachel inspiring to me? Did I really think she was smart, and perceptive, and patient, and everything else? No. I’m sorry. Look: I feel terrible. I wish that getting to know her had been this big inspiring life-improving thing. I really do. I know that’s what’s supposed to happen. But it didn’t.

EARL (CONT’D)

Dude. It’s your turn.

So what was I supposed to say? The truth?

EARL (CONT’D)

punching Greg in the arm

Your turn, jackass.

GREG

Right. Right right. Uh. The main reason we made this video is, uh. We want you to get better. And, uh. Look. The thing is: I know you can get better. I know you’re strong enough, and, uh. Yeah. I just wanted to tell you. Uh. I believe in you.

talking maybe a little too much now

And that’s, uh, I realize now, that’s why we wanted to make a film. To tell you that we believe in you.

just really driving the lie home at this point

And that’s why we, uh, made the film.

I spent an entire weekend listening to myself say “we believe in you,” and wanting to punch myself in the face. Because it was such an obvious lie. If we really believed in Rachel, we wouldn’t be rushing to make this film before she died. Plus, I mean, why the hell would we believe in her? She didn’t even believe in herself. She told me point-blank she thought she was going to die. She was stopping treatment and going home and waiting for the inevitable. Who were we to argue with that?

At the same time, there wasn’t really anything else to say.

Mom walked into the computer room late Sunday night.

“Honey.”

“Oh, hey.”

“Are you still working on the movie for Rachel?”

“Yeah.”

“How’s it going.”

“’Sgoing fine.”

“Oh honey. Shhhhh.”

“’Sfine.”

“Shhhhhhhh.”

“h hurnk.”

“It’s hard to lose a friend.”

“Tha , at’s, snot it.”

“It’s hard, honey.”

“That’s not , n not , , it.”

“Shhhh.”