Napalm and Silly Putty

THE MISCELLANEOUS AILMENTS FOUNDATION

Not every human ailment has a telethon to help raise money. This space is donated to the Miscellaneous Ailments Foundation. If you or a loved one suffer from any of the following conditions, open your heart, dig deep, and give what you can. And please, no small donations. Try to give more than you can afford.

ITCH – TWITCH – WELTS – WARTS – PIMPLES – NITS – SCABS – SCARS – SORES – BOILS – RASH – GASH – HIVES – CYSTS – CRAMPS – POLYPS – BLISTERS – BLOTCHES – BUNIONS – BEDSORES – ROPE – BURNS – PAPER – CUTS – COCKEYE – BLACKHEADS – WHITEHEADS – GAG – EASILY – SWOLLEN -GLANDS – EYESTRAIN NAUSEA – PILES GAS CRABS PEG LEG ABSCESSED TOOTH PENICILLIN REACTION PALENESS NICKS & CUTS – BRITTLE – NAILS – WOOZINESS – HOMESICKNESS – FALL – DOWN – A – LOT – SICK & TIRED – JUST – DON’T – FEEL – GOOD – CHILLS & FEVER – FEVER & CHILLS – CHILLS – WITHOUT – FEVER – FEVER – WITHOUT – CHILLS – SMALL – POX – MEDIUM – POX – LARGE – POX – X-LARGE – POX – CHICKEN – POX – TUNA – POX – ROAST – BEEF – POX – WHOOPING – COUGH – WHOOPING – SNEEZE – WHOOPING – GIGGLE – WHEEZING – SNEEZING – FREEZING – MUMPS – BUMPS – LUMPS – BAD – EYES – BAD – FEET – BAD – BLOOD – BAD – BREATH – BAD – BACK – BAD – ATTITUDE – POOR – POSTURE – COWARDICE – TRENCH – MOUTH – PUFFY – SKIN – COMPLETE – PARALYSIS – ENLARGED – PORES – OUT – OF – BREATH – ARM – HURTS – BAD – JUDGMENT – DUMB – LOOK – OUT – OF – SORTS – BRUISE – EASILY – WIND – KNOCKED – OUT – OF – YOU – SEEIN’ – THINGS – THE – BLAHS – THE – HOTS – THE – RUNS – THE – CREEPS – THE – WILLIES – THE – SHITS – THE – VAPORS – THE – BENDS – THE – HEEBIE-JEEBIES – SHOCK – TREMOR – RELAPSE. BOTULISM -LEPROSY – GANGOSA – CANCER – OF – THE – FIST – JUNGLE – ROT – THE – CREEPIN’ – CRUD – THE – 48-YEAR – CREEPIN’ – JESUS – MANGE – GRUNGE – SORE – TITS – JET – LAG – ROOT – CANAL – FACIAL – TICS – POOR – BALANCE – LOCKJAW – CHARLEY – HORSE – EUPHORIA – PRICKLY – HEAT – PEELING – MISCARRIAGE -CROW’S – FEET – CROW’S – LEGS – SLOPPY – DICTION – OVERBITE – UNDERBITE – SIDE – EFFECTS – DOUBLE – LIMP – SCABBY – KNEE – TONE – DEAFNESS – LOUD – HEART – POSTNASAL – DRIP – PRENASAL – DRIP – JAMMED – THUMB – COMA – KNOCK – KNEES – STRETCH – MARKS – FAT – LIP – BLACK – EYE – BUM – LEG – OVERSIZE – BIRTHMARK – STRAWBERRY – SPRING – FEVER – FORGETFULNESS – SQUINTING – SURGICAL – BLUNDER – FACIAL – HAIR – PLAGUE – ADHESIONS – SUNSTROKE – BAD – GENES – SCRAWNINESS – CROSSED -NOSTRILS – CALLUSES – PREMATURE – EJACULATION – STARVATION – SEEING – STARS – NERVOUS – BREAKDOWN – CORNS – ORGAN – REJECTION – SWELLING – BLOODY – NOSE – CATATONIA – BAGS – UNDER – THE – EYES – FRECKLE – LOSS – NO – URINE – BIG – EARS – BAD – COLD – FREDDIE’S – DISEASE – NO – TORSO – SUICIDE – HEN – TOOTH – NATURAL – CAUSES – CHRONIC – PUSSY – FARTS – ONDINE’S – CURSE – PULLED – GROIN -MUSCLE – CHAFING – COLD – SORES – SPLIT – LIP – ACHES & PAINS – TRICK – KNEE – TRICK – NOSE – TRICK – DICK – SLEEPING – SICKNESS – LOBOTOMY – NIGHTMARES – PIGEON – TOES – DOUBLE – CHIN – SHYNESS – WINDBURN – CHRONIC – LETHARGY – HOT – FLASHES – DOUBLE – VISION – CANCER – OF – THE – JOWLS – CLUBFOOT – EXCESS – EAR – WAX – SUFFOCATION – REALLY – GROSS – SKIN – FALLING – NOSE – HAIRS – INFECTED – TATTOOS – GUNSHOT – WOUNDS – ELASTIC – POISONING – UNPROVOKED – WEEPING – DISLOCATED – CROTCH – COMPLETE – HAIRLESSNESS – NINE – MILE – FEVER – MIGRATING – BEAUTY – MARK -UNDESCENDED – TESTICLE – CHICKEN – BREASTEDNESS – BOTCHED – CIRCUMCISION – GHOST – LIMBS – INDUSTRIAL – DEAFNESS – HAMMERTOE – DOUBLE – RECTUM – FALLEN – WOMB – INVERTED – NIPPLES – OUT-OF-CONTROL – MOLES – TRANSIENT – SLURRED – SPEECH – WATER – ON – THE – PROFILE – SALINE – DEPLETION – GENDER – AGONY – NEGATIVE. BUOYANCY – CURVATURE – OF – THE – MIND – INFECTED – DIMPLE – BURNED – AT – THE – STAKE – BUBONIC – PLAGUE – BLACK – DEATH – MORNING – SICKNESS – SUBDURAL – HEMATOMA – GRAND – MAL – SEIZURE – SPASTIC – BLADDER – BRAIN – TUMOR – NIPPLE – SEEP – DRY – TEETH – SIX-FOOT – NOSE – HAIRS – PASSED – BALLS – MIDNASAL – DRIP – CHAPPED – ASS – SPEAR – WOUNDS – TONSILLITIS -CLAP – CRUCIFIXION – TOTAL – BODY – DIMPLING – FEAR – OF – CLOTHING – SINGLE – NOSTRIL – HORSE-SERUM – SENSITIVITY – COKE – BOTTLE – IN – THE – ASS – HEN – WORKERS – LUNG – SEXTUPLE – AMPUTEEISM – HEREDITY FRUCTOSE INTOLERANCE – MORTON’S FOOT – HUTCHINSON’S FRECKLE – ORIENTAL NIGHTMARE DEATH SYNDROME – RUM FITS – LIDOCAINE POISONING – IRREGULAR GAIT – GENITAL MEASLES – SPRAINED MIND – ICHTHYOSIS – LACK OF HUSTLE – HYPERDYDROSIS – FROTHING AT THE CROTCH – ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE – WET BRAIN – PRESENILITY DEMENTIA – LAETRILE OVERDOSE – MUNCHAUSEN’S SYNDROME – PAVEMENT BURN – NASAL HERPES – CLUSTER HEADACHES – HUNCHBACK – VAGINAL CLOSURE – CANCER OF THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE – CIRCUMCISION BLUNDER – SEVERE UNREMITTING PAIN – COMPLETE NERVOUS COLLAPSE – SIXTY-YEAR COMA – RIGOR MORTIS – DECAPITATION – SWIMMER’S ITCH – BEEF TAPEWORM – SHORT-LIMBED DWARFISM – TICK-BORNE RICKETS – KOPLIK’S SPOTS – IMPETIGO – GAS GANGRENE – TRANSVERSE MYELITIS – MALNUTRITION – IRRITABILITY – NONPRODUCTIVE COUGH – SIMPLE MALAISE – EPIDEMIC KERATOCONJUNCTIVITIS – FURIOUS RABIES – BLACK VOMIT – DANDY FEVER – EUROPEAN TYPHUS – BRILL-ZINSSER DISEASE – CAT SCRATCH DISEASE – STITCH ABSCESSES – STRAWBERRY TONGUE – PASTIA’S LINES – AFRICAN SLEEPING SICKNESS – WOOLSORTER’S DISEASE – CAULIFLOWER EAR – ZUCCHINI NOSE – PARACOCCIDIO IDOMYCOSIS – DESERT RHEUMATISM – LUMPY JAW – MADURA FOOT – HOOKWORM – ORIENTAL SORE – ALEPPO BOIL – FOREST YAWS – SWIMMING POOL GRANULOMA – CARDIAC DEATH – WHIPWORM INFECTION – GEOPHAGIA – RIVER BLINDNESS – TOTAL COLLAPSE – JEWELRY RASH – TERMINAL BROWSING – MAIDENLY HYSTERICS – MARROW FAILURE – PICA – RIBOFLAVIN DEFICIENCY – MEDITERRANEAN ANEMIA – AIR EMBOLISM – VASCULAR FRAGILITY – DRUG-INDUCED PLATELET DEFECTS – FELTY’S SYNDROME – BOWEL INFARCTION – TETRALOGY OF FALLOT – BUNDLE BRANCH BLOCK – SUDDEN MEGACOLON – RAYNAUD’S PHENOMENON – YOUNG ORIENTAL FEMALE DISEASE – INTESTINAL APOPLEXY – OCCLUSION AT THE BIFURCATION – MILK LEG – HOMAN’S SIGN – CONSTANT SCREAMING – TOTAL BODY HEMORRHAGING – MISSING LUNGS – EXTRA STOMACH – LARVAE IN THE STOOL – BEBOP LEGS – FOREHEAD TRANSPLANT – TUMOR ON THE BUNS – HUGE SPLEEN – CHRONIC FALLING – CYSTS ON THE WRISTS – SUDDEN TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS –

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.