Napalm and Silly Putty

SHORT TAKES

Did you notice that several years ago everything got different?

I never read memoirs; the last thing I need is someone else’s memories. I have all I can do to deal with my own.

It takes two scales to find out how much a scale weighs.

In this era of “maxi,” “mega” and “meta,” you know what we don’t have anymore? “Super-duper.” I miss that.

Fuck whole-grain cereal. When I want fiber, I eat some wicker furniture.

Suggestions I ignore: “George, you go out and draw their fire, I’ll sneak up on them from behind.”

You men, next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergymen’s rate.

I think doctors, who must always remain emotionally detached, should be accompanied on their hospital rounds by peasant women from the Middle East. The ones who cry and wail and throw themselves on coffins at those terrorist funerals you see on television. Just for balance.

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper pictures of the garbage.

Have you noticed that some companies now call their menial employees “associates”? They’re trying to make them feel better in spite of subsistence salaries. “Associates” is a very slippery job title. Don’t be fooled by it.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

There are patriotic vegetarians in the American Legion who will only eat animals that were killed in combat.

Peg Leg Bates Jr.’s sole ambition was to follow in his father’s footstep.

When I was a kid I can remember saying, “Cross my heart and hope to die.” I’d like to confess now that I never really meant the second part.

Very few Germans know that in honor of her husband, Mrs. Hitler combed her pussy hair to one side.

You don’t hear a lot from imps anymore.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

The phrase “digging up dirt” seems wrong. If you use a shovel correctly, the very first time you stick it in the ground the thing you come up with is dirt. The dirt is right there on top. It doesn’t have to be “dug up.”

When you’re at someone else’s house, and they leave you alone in a room, do you look in the drawers? I do. I’m not trying to steal anything; I just like to know where everything is.

I don’t understand this notion of ethnic pride. “Proud to be Irish,” “Puerto Rican pride,” “Black pride.” It seems to me that pride should be reserved for accomplishments; things you attain or achieve, not things that happen to you by chance. Being Irish isn’t a skill; it’s genetic. You wouldn’t say, “I’m proud to have brown hair,” or “I’m proud to be short and stocky.” So why the fuck should you say you’re proud to be Irish? I’m Irish, but I’m not particularly proud of it. Just glad! Goddamn glad to be Irish!

Don’t you think it’s funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?

I wonder: On rainy nights, does the sandman send the mudman?

I think they ought to have an annual ceremony at the White House called the Bad Example Award. They should give it to the one person in America who has made the most complete disaster of his own personal life. Someone who through drugs or alcohol or simply a bad attitude has been fired, arrested, killed a marriage, completely alienated friends and family, and perhaps even attempted suicide several times. But it must have happened because of personal behavior and conscious choices, not bad luck. It seems to me people like that never receive any recognition.

Christian deodorant: “Thou Shalt Not Smell”

Lou Gehrig was a pretty tough guy, but I wonder how he handled it when they told him he had Lou Gehrig’s disease.

Most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Sea World should have a special aquarium that features fish sticks. In fact, I wouldn’t mind seeing Mrs. Paul herself swimming around in there: “Hi, kids!”

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it’s not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it’s still there? What is that?

I can never decide if “what’s-his-name” should be capitalized.

Do you know why they call it a blow job? So it’ll sound like there’s a work ethic involved. Makes a person feel like they did something useful for the economy.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

It isn’t generally known, but you can save money on phone calls by simply not letting the other person talk. Studies have shown that on many phone calls as much as 50 percent of the talking is done by the other person. If you can manage to dominate the conversation, you can save money.