Palace of Desire

99

The sun was about to set when al-Sayyid Ahmad Abd al-Jawad crossed i: he wooden gangplank to the houseboat. He rang the bell, and the door soon opened to reveal Zanuba in a white silk dress sheer enough to show off her body. On seeing him she cried out, "Welcome! Welcome! Tell me what you did yesterday. I imagine you came, rang the bell in vain, and stood there for a time before leaving". She laughed. "And you must have had some awful suspicions. So tell me what you did."

Despite the elegance of his appearance and the fragrance of his cologne, his face looked grim and his displeasure was visible in his staring eyes. "Where were you yesterday?" he asked.

She went into the sitting room ahead of him, pausing in the center of the room near two windows that opened on the Nile. She took a chair between the windows, pretending to be calm, collected, and cheerful. Then she answered, "I went out yesterday, as you know, to do some shopping. On my way I ran into Yasmina. the vocalist, and she invited me to her house. But she refused to let me leave and pestered me until I was forced to spend the night with her. I hadn't seen her since I moved to the houseboat. If you could have heard her criticize my disloyalty and ask me about the secret charm of this man who'd been able to make me forget my relatives and neighbors …"

Was she telling the truth or lying? Had he actually endured all those pains yesterday and today pointlessly? He knew the reason for every millieme he gained or lost. How could he have suffered those frightful torments for no reason at all? The world was a tricky place, but if this devil was telling the truth, he was prepared to kiss the ground at her feet. He had to determine whether it was true, even if that took the rest of his life. Had the time come for him to return to his senses? "Not so fast…" he admonished himself.

"When did you return to the houseboat?"

She lifted a leg and began to study her pink slipper decorated with a white rose and her toes tinted with henna. Then she said,"Why don't you sit down first and take off your fez so I can see the part in your hair. Sir, I came home a little before noon."

"Liar!" The word shot out like a bullet coated with rage and despair. Before she could open her mouth, he continued violently: "Liar! You didn't return before noon or after noon. I came here twice during the day and didn't find you."

She was speechless for a time. Then she said in a tone of indignant surrender, "The truth is that I got home just before sunset, about an hour ago. There was no reason for me to make up a story, but when I noticed the groundless look of displeasure in your eyes I wanted to dispel it. The fact is that this morning Yasmina insisted I go shopping with her. When she learned I had left my aunt's ensemble, she suggested I join hers, so I could substitute for her occasionally at a wedding. Naturally I didn't agree, because I knew without asking that you wouldn't be happy if I stayed out late with the troupe. What I'm trying to say is that I remained with her because I knew you wouldn't get here before nine. This is the story. So sit down and bless the Prophet."

"A trumped-up tale or the truth?" he wondered. "What if your friends saw you in this fix? The fates are certainly making fun of you. I'd forgive twice as much as this if I could win a little peace of mind. You're begging now. You never had to beg before. You've humiliated yourself for this lute player. She once had the job of waiting on you. She served you fruit at parties and departed in decorous silence. If I can't reassure myself, let the fires of hell flame up."

"Yasmina doesn't live in never-never land. I'll ask her if this story's true."

Waving her hand to show her disdain and disapproval, she answered, "Ask her anything you want."

He got control of his frayed and refractory nerves all of a sudden and said stubbornly, "I'll ask her this evening. I'm going to look for her. Now! I've satisfied all your requests. You must respect my rights completely."

She caught his contagious fury and responded sharply, "Not so fast! Don't insult me to my face. I've been very lenient with you until now, but everything has a limit. I'm a person made of flesh and blood. Open your eyes and pray to Fatima's father Muhammad."

He asked in astonishment, "Is this the tone you use to address me?"

"Yes, since that's how you're talking to me."

The grip of his hand on his stick tightened as he yelled, "I'm entitled to, since I'm the one who made you a lady and prepared a life for you that Zubayda herself would envy."

His statement provoked her, and like a raging lioness she snarled, "God made me a lady, not you. I only accepted a life like this after you pleaded with me fervently. Have you forgotten that? I'm not your captive or your slave. An interrogation and a police report what do you think I am? Did you buy me with your money? If you don't like the way I live, then each of us can go bis own way."

"Lord of the heavens," he reflected, "is this how manicured nails turn into claws? If you still have any doubts about last night, then consider this impudent tone. You're suffering from tyranny like Nimrod's. Swallow the pain to the dregs. Drink the abuse till you've had your fill. So what's your response? Scream in her face, as loud as you can, 'Go back to the street where I found you!' Scream, yes, scream. What's stopping you? God's curse on the saboteur! The heart's treachery is far worse than a thousand other forms of treason. This is the romantic abasement you've heard about and mocked. How I'll hate myself for loving her!"

"Would you throw me out?" he asked.

In the same belligerent tone she said, "If your understanding of our relationship is that I'm to stay here as your prisoner while you make accusations against me whenever you please, then the best thing for both of us is to break it off."

She turned her face away from him. He studied her cheek and the side of her neck with an unnatural calm that was almost trancelike. "The ultimate happiness I ask of God is casting her aside without a second thought. She has humiliated and angered you, but could you bear to come here and find no trace of her?"

"I have little confidence in you, but I didn't think your ingratitude would reach this point."

"Do you want me to be a stone with no feelings or sense of honor?"

"If you only realized," he reflected, "that you're even less than that"

But he replied, "No, I want you to be a person who recognizes the rights arising from good deeds and companionship."

Changing from an angry tone to one of complaint, she said, "I've done more for you than you can imagine. I consented to leave my family and my profession to stay wherever you chose. I haven't even complained about it, to avoid troubling your peace of mind. I didn't wish to tell you in so many words that certain people want a better life for me than this, although I haven't paid any attention to them."

"Are there to be more problems, ones I haven't anticipated?" he asked himself.

"What do you mean?" he inquired indignantly.

She toyed with her gold bracelets, spinning them around her left arm. Then she said, "A respectable gentleman wishes to marry me. He won't take no for an answer."

"The heat and the humidity are stifling you," he thought, "and this shrew is opening her mouth to swallow you whole. How lucky that seaman is, trimming his sail outside the window…."

"Who is he?"

"Someone you don't know. Call him any name you want."

He took a step back and sat down on a sofa flanked by two armchairs. Gripping the handle of his stick with both hands, he asked, "When did he see you? How did you learn of his intentions?"

"He saw me often when I lived with my aunt. Recently he's attempted to speak to me whenever he's run into me on the street, but I've ignored him. So he got one of my girlfriends to tell me. That's the whole story."

"How many stories you have!" he mused. "When I found you gone yesterday, a single pain devastated me. At the time I wasn't aware of all these other pains and troubles. Leave her if you can. Break with her. That's the way to find peace. Aren't people wrong to imagine death's the worst thing we face?"

"I want to know whether you wish to accept this proposal."

With a nervous flick of her wrist she stopped playing with her bracelets and stared at him haughtily. Then she asserted grandly, "I told you I ignored him. You should understand what that means."

"You mustn't go to bed tonight with such lethal thoughts," he counseled himself. "You don't need another night like the last one. Shield yourself from these fears."

"Tell me frankly whether any man has visited you on the houseboat."

"A man? What man do you have in mind? You're the only man who emers this houseboat."

"Zanuba, I can ferret it all out. Don't be secretive. Tell me everything, even trivial details. Then I'll forgive you, no matter what."

She protested angrily, "If you keep doubting my truthfulness, the best thing is for us to part."

"Remember the fly you saw die this morning in a spider's web?" he asked himself.

"Enough of that. Teil me if this man met you yesterday."

"I told you where I went."

In spite of himself he snorted, "Why do you torment me? I've never wanted anything so much as to make you happy."

She clapped her hands together, as though finding his suspicions hard to bear. Then she said, "Why won't you understand me? I've sacrificed everything I value for your sake."

What a beautiful song it was! The calamity was that it could easily have come from an empty heart, for a singer can dissolve into a sad and plaintive song while intoxicated with happy triumph.

"With God as your witness, tell me frankly who this man is."

"Why does it matter to you? I said you don't know him. He's a merchant from another district, but he used to frequent the coffeehouse of al-Sayyid Ali occasionally."

"His name?"

"Abd al-Tawwab Yasin. Do you know him?"

"I leased this houseboat to have a good time," he reminded himself. "Remember the happy hours? World, do you recall the Ahmad Abd al-Jawad whom nothing fazed? Zubayda, Jalila, Bahija… ask those ladies about him. No doubt he's some other man not this anxious fellow with white ravaging the hair of his temples."

"The devil of unhappiness," he observed, "is the most energetic one."

"No, it's the devil of doubt, because he's able to create something from nothing."

He began to rap the floor with the tip of his stick. Then in a deep voice he said, "I don't want to live like a blind man. Certainly not! And nothing can make me violate my manly sense of honor. In brief, I can't tolerate your absence last night."

"We're back to that again!"

"And again and again and again. I'm not a child, and you're an adult too, a sensible woman. Today you've been telling me about that man. Has his promise of marriage really duped you?"

She answered proudly, "I know he's not deceiving me. His promise not to approach me till we're married is a proof of that."

"Does this marriage tempt you?"

She frowned disapprovingly and then said as if astonished, "Didn't you hear what I said? I'm amazed at how slow you are today. At any rate, you're not your normal self. Shake off this gloom you've needlessly courted and listen to me one last time: I ignored the man and his wish for your sake."

He wanted to learn how old this man was but did not know how to phrase the question. Youth and age were not mattershe had paid attention to before. After some hesitation he said, "Perhapshe's a callow youth who says things without thinking about them."

"He's no child. He's in his thirties."

In other words, the man was a quarter century behind al-Sayyid Ahmad. In everything except age it is bad to be behind. Jealousy is a brazen assassin.

She continued: "I pretended not to know him, even though he promised me the kind of life I dream of."

"What a chip off the old block!" he told himself. "Zubayda could have learned a lot from you."

"Is that so?" he asked.

"Let me tell you bluntly that I can't stand this life any longer."

"Remember the fly and the spider," he reminded himself.

"Really?"

"Yes. I want a secure life and a legal one. Or do you think that's wrong?"

"You came to interrogate her," he reflected, "but where do you stand now? She's the one ready to throw you out. How come you're so forbearing? Reserve some self-respect for what's left of your life. Do you understand what she's hinting at? … How lovely the breaking waves are at sunset."

His silence was prolonged, and she calmly started up again: "This won't anger you, for you're a pious man in spite of everything.

How can you obstruct a woman's desire to live according to the teachings of her religion? I don't want to be a mount for every rider. I'm not like my aunt. I have the heart of a Believer: I fear God. This has strengthened my resolve to abandon my sinful ways."

He listened to her last statement with astonishment and alarm. He started to scrutinize her with annoyance, which he hid behind a feeble smile. Then he replied, "You've never mentioned this to me before. Until yesterday we were getting along fine."

"I didn't know how to disclose my feelings to you."

"She's getting away from you with frightening and wicked speed. What a disappointment! I'm prepared to forget last night, ill-omened though it was. I'll forget my doubt and my pain … if she renounces this devilish scheme."

"We lived together happily and harmoniously. Does our relationship mean so little to you?"

"No, but I want to make it better. Isn't a godly life better than a sinful one?"

His lower lip tightened into a meaningless smile. Then he said in a faint voice, "For me the situation is quite different". "How?"

"I'm married, my son's married, and my daughters are married. As you can see, the matter's extremely delicate". Then he added regretfully, "Weren't we blissfully happy?"

She answered testily, "I'm not telling you to divorce your wife and renounce your children. Many men have more than one wife."

He observed apprehensively, "Marriage for a man my a… in my situation is not an easy matter. It provokes a lot of comment."

She laughed sarcastically and said, "Everyone knows you have a mistress That doesn't bother you. How come the possibility of gossip about a legal marriage worries you — if you want to marry me?"

Smiling with uneasy confusion, he said, "Only a few people know my secret. Besides, my family's totally in the dark about it."

She raised her penciled eyebrows in disbelief and said, "That's what you think. Only God knows for sure. What secret's secure from people's tongues?"

Before he could respond, she continued irately: "Or perhaps you don't think I'm good enough to have the honor of belonging to your family?"

"God forgive me," he thought, "the husband of Zanuba the lute player…."

"I didn't mean that, Zanuba."

She said disdainfully, "You won't be able to hide your true feelings from me for long. I'll learn them tomorrow if not today. If marrying me would disgrace you, then goodbye."

"You came to get rid of the other man," he told himself, "but he's tossing you out. You've given up asking her where she was. She's offering you a choice between marriage and the door. What are you going to do? What's paralyzing you? It's your treacherousheart. Having your bones ripped from your flesh would be easier than leaving this lute player. Isn't it sad you're suffering an insane love like this only when you're getting on in years?"

He asked critically, "Is that what you think of me?"

"I don't think much of a person who treats me like spit."

Sadly and calmly he said, "You're dearer to me than my soul."

"Words! We've heard a lot of them."

"But it's the truth."

"It's time to learn that from your actions, not your words."

He looked down in distress and despair. He did not know how he could accept her proposal and yet did not have the strength to reject it, particularly since his desire for her had destroyed his mental concentration and shackled him. In a subdued voice he said, "Give me time to arrange my life…."

Hiding a sly smile, she said smugly, "If you really love me, you won't hesitate."

He quickly retorted, "It's not that. There are other matters…". He gestured as if to explain his words, although even he did not know precisely what they meant.

She smiled and said, "If that's how it is, I'll wait patiently."

He experienced the temporary relief of a collapsing boxer who hears the bell concluding a round other than the final one. A wish for consolation from his cares and reassurance after his anxiety pulsed through him. Holding his hand out to her, he said, "Come to me."

She drew herself back resolutely in the chair and said, "When God sanctions it."