Pitifully Ugly

Chapter 17

Assumptions make an ass…

I awoke the next morning and checked my phone. No messages

from Hailey and no voicemail. I sent her another text message

asking for a chance to talk. It went unanswered.

I switched on the TV for something to take my mind off of

her while I waited for an answer that I figured would never come.

A used car commercial caught my attention. I glared at it as it

summed up my life.

Are you looking for a girlfriend? Someone to fill those lonely

nights and warm your heart, as well as your bed? Hurry in now

and trade your peaceful albeit empty life for one of our slightly

used models. You’ll be cruising along life’s highway in no time.

Of course, they always forgot to mention in those commercials

that your new ride will be slightly damaged, confusing to operate,

and sometimes will leave you stranded on life’s highway—alone

and wondering why everything came to a screeching halt.

I just didn’t have it in me to browse the lot any longer. I’d

found the one I wanted, but it seemed that I’d gotten caught up

in the flashy exterior and neglected to see if I was investing in a

lemon.

You always hear of people having epiphanies. One morning

they wake up and have a moment of clarity. I thought I was having

one of my own. I’d been so focused on having someone to share

my life with that it made me kind of pathetic. “Love me, love me,

please pick me and complete my life.” I suddenly had a mental

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image of myself as a pooch in the pound barking and pawing at

my cage door as prospective owners came looking. Well, shit on

that!I threw the covers back and jumped out of bed. Ten minutes

tops, I was dressed, my hair was sticking out the back of a ball

cap, and I had an apple in my hand for breakfast. I was a woman

on the move with my tennis racket tucked under my arm. As

briskly as I could manage, I walked to the health club, rented a

basket of balls, and loaded up the machine.

When the first ball shot toward me, I smacked the hell out of it,

then apologized to the woman on the adjoining court. She rubbed

her hip as she glared, and I continued undaunted. I pounded all my

frustration away on those balls until I was drenched with sweat.

“Someone must’ve really pissed you off. I don’t think I’ve

ever heard anyone growl like that.”

I turned and faced a sporty-looking woman who was

probably in her mid-thirties. She was all smiles standing there in

her starched white tennis outfit looking like a million bucks. The

Shannon who went to sleep the previous night might have been

beguiled by the way she looked me over, but today’s Shannon was

a different breed of cat altogether.

“I’m Sue,” she said as she thrust out her hand. “Are you

looking for a partner?”

“Well now, that depends,” I said haughtily with my hand on

my hip. “Do you have road rage? A cat that bites? Did you just

leave your husband? Are you looking for a really kinky good time

and think I may be interested?”

Sue’s eyes bulged and her jaw went slack before she replied,

“I’m just looking for a tennis partner.”

“Sure you are.” I waved my racket. “Start stepping, sister,

you’re outta luck here.”

Sue held her racket in front of her like a weapon and took a

step back. I mimicked her stance as if we were about to sword

fight. “You’re insane,” she said as she backed away.

I turned and noticed that the two women playing on the court

beside me were standing completely still. The ball in play was

bouncing right past the woman that I’d hit earlier.

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“That’s right, I’m nuts,” I said as I tucked my racket under

my arm. As I walked out, I guesstimated how long it would take

Sue to get to the front desk and report the raving lunatic she’d

just encountered. I exited the side door and never looked back at

the club I was certain that I would never be welcome in again.

The song They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-haaa! played

through my mind as I walked back to my apartment.

“You’re gonna be an aunt,” Kalen sang when I answered

the phone. “I heard the heartbeat today. The baby is strong and

healthy.”

“I’m happy for you, sis, I really am.” I tried to sound upbeat

for her sake.

“There’s one little problem, though. My doctor wants me to

take it easy, no stress. Remember when I agreed to attend that

conference in Atlanta?”

I plopped down on the couch with a vague recollection of a

conversation we’d had. Kalen had agreed to give a presentation

on behalf of Natural Beauty, a hair product line we used at the

salons. In exchange, they used some of our models for their

advertisements. It boosted our clientele overnight.

“I remember. What happens if you cancel now?”

“That’s just the point. The conference is a week away and I’m

locked in. Angela is counting on me, and I’ve already paid for the

hotel. It’s like five hundred bucks a night.”

“Must you always travel deluxe?” I asked, calculating what

we’d already spent.

“Yes, I must,” Kalen said unapologetically. “I work my ass

off, and when I have to leave home, I expect to be pampered.”

“So what exactly are you asking me to do?” I hoped she

wasn’t going to confirm my worst fear.

“I told Angela that you’d stand in for me. Are you there?”

Kalen asked when I didn’t respond.

“I’m gonna have to start wearing diapers along with your

baby because lately every time you open your mouth, I want to

shit in my pants.”

“You’re such a big tit sometimes, Shannon. You can do this.”

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“Why can’t Blitz do it?”

“Because she’s got like twenty studs in her face, and she’s not

exactly the public speaking type.”

“And I am? Kalen, I’ve never given a speech in my life!”

“I’ll coach you, everything’s already written. You can bring a

couple of my Valiums if that’ll help. I can’t take them anymore.”

“Call it off. Tell Angela that we’ll have to catch her on the

next round. I don’t care if we lose money on the hotel.”

“Now listen to me,” Kalen said, sounding a lot like our

mother. A tone she would no doubt use on my future niece or

nephew. “You’ve been telling me lately how you’re doing things

on your own, and this time you have to take the reins for me.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“No, there’s no time to think about it. We have to prep you

for the presentation and buy some suitable clothes for you to

wear. Look, you can bring Marvin. He can chat up everybody at

the booth. All you have to do is give the speech. Surely, you can

handle that.”

My brain started screaming. I’m packing my shit and

hightailing it out of here. She’s going down.

“You can do this,” Kalen said, softening her tone. “I’ve always

done things like this because I knew you hated it, not because I

thought you were incapable. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it

was important. Angela is counting on us, and you have to at least

acknowledge that she’s done us a huge favor already.”

“I want the Valium.”

“Deal. Now drop whatever you’re doing and come pick me

up. We have a lot of shopping to do.”

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Robin Alexander