Pitifully Ugly

Chapter 6

Not meant to be.

At ten thirty, I walked into Café Du Monde. Satisfied that

there was no blue peacoat in sight, I took a table on the patio next

to one of the heaters. I needed a few minutes to calm my nerves,

but of course, the café au lait did nothing to ease the jitters. I was

celebrating the loss of four pounds, and with that, I found the

resolve to resist the lure of beignets.

At five till, Charity arrived. I saw her first. Her dark hair

was cut short in an inverted bob, heavily highlighted. She was

thin, and that made me a tad self-conscious, even though I was

wearing a pair of jeans I couldn’t get into a month ago. She had a

beautiful smile that lit up her face when she noticed my wave.

“Hello,” she said as she extended her hand. “My real name is

Stacy.”

I stood and took her hand. “It’s nice to meet you, I’m

Shannon.”

“You’re definitely not pitiful y ugly,” she said as she took a seat.

“Thank you,” I said, flattered by the compliment.

“I’m so glad you managed to find a spot near one of the

heaters. The wind is really chilly out there.”

“I have on flannel-lined jeans.” Oh, my God, what a dumb

thing to say. My mind scrambled for something intelligent to add.

“I know that’s ridiculous to admit living in the South, but I can’t

stand the cold.”

“That’s brilliant. I’ll have to invest in a pair.”

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I wanted to get her talking so I wouldn’t have to. “So what’s

it like working at Charity?”

“It’s often sad but extremely rewarding, too. I love working

with babies. They don’t argue, and they’re always happy when

you show up with a bottle.”

“I imagine it gets pretty stressful.”

Stacy nodded and ordered a coffee when our waiter appeared.

“It can be, yes. That’s why I love gardening. Everything slips

away when I’m working with my plants and flowers. Accounting

can be stressful, too, I’m sure.”

“It is sometimes, but for the most part, what I do is simple.

Payroll is done by another company, so I mostly manage the

money, pay a few bills, and fill out loads of tax forms. The rest of

the time is mine.”

“So aside from reading and movies, what do you do with the

rest of your spare time?”

Nothing was the truth, but I wasn’t going to admit that. “I

sometimes fish with my brother-in-law. The rest of the time, I’m

shopping with my sister. She has a passion for antiques, so we’re

often muddling through shops.” I sounded like I was ninety. I

should’ve added cross-stitching and shuffleboard.

“Do you like horses?”

“I don’t know any personally, but I think they’re generally

okay.”

“I love to ride,” she said, ignoring my stupid joke. “When I’m

not in my garden, I spend a lot of time with a friend who has a

few.”The conversation seemed to flow well after that. We talked

about growing up in New Orleans and shared silly stories

about our childhoods. I found myself relaxing and enjoying her

company, until…

“So…” Stacy leaned in closer. “Let’s talk about things of a

more personal nature. I like to get this out in the open because it

spares embarrassment later. How many dates do you like to go on

before things get intimate?”

What happened to I’m looking to make a friend first, and if

that develops into something more, that’s fine by me?

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Robin Alexander

“I…uh…”

“Don’t be bashful,” she said with a grin. “We need to know if

we’re compatible, right? We’re adults, and adults have sex.”

I had no problem with sex, although I didn’t care to discuss it

when I wasn’t doing it. But I did have a problem with her bringing

it up at our first meeting. “I guess your question just took me by

surprise.”

Stacy aka Charity leaned even closer to me and stroked the

back of my hand. “I’m a cut-to-the-chase kind of girl.”

I watched her fingers and noticed the indention on her left ring

finger. Somewhere in her pocket was a gold band that probably

matched another worn by a girlfriend who had no idea her lover

was meeting me for coffee, or worse, a husband waiting for her to

bring home an extra plaything.

“How do you feel…” she lowered her voice, “about anal

sex?”“What?” I practically shouted. “Oh, my God! You touch

babies with those hands?”

“Don’t get all prudish, and lower your voice.” Stacy looked

over at a few stunned onlookers and smiled. When she looked

back at me, the smile dropped from her face with what little

charm she had up until that moment. “Look, I don’t think things

are going to work out between us.”

“I’ll say.”

“I’m gonna go now, it’s been a treat.”

It sure was, I thought as I paid the tab and left.

I was disgusted when I burst through the courtyard gate. As

was becoming a habit, Hailey met me in the courtyard.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I was just thrown for a loop.”

“Were you mugged?” she asked with a horrified expression.

“No, metaphorically speaking. I just had an eye-opening

conversation with someone.”

“You want to have a coffee with me and talk about it?”

“No, no coffee!”

“Okay, calm down.” Hailey held her hands up and backed up

a step.

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“I’m sorry. I guess it was all for the best. She was more than

likely going to be a pain in my ass.” I ran my fingers through my

hair and let out a long breath. “I’m sorry.”

“A prospective client, I presume?” Hailey asked.

I should’ve come out and said a prospective date, but I wasn’t

ready to reveal the fact that I was gay. I’d begun to enjoy Hailey’s

company, and I didn’t want any awkward tension between us.

“How about a walk? I’ll treat you to a cup of coffee if you’d

like,” I said as I began to calm down.

“A walk sounds great, and maybe we can have lunch. That’ll

be my treat.”

“Will Fuzzy be joining us?” I asked when I noticed the dog

wasn’t with her.

“No.” Hailey pushed open the gate and waited for me to walk

through. “She’s watching a movie.”

I noticed that she didn’t crack a smile when I walked past her.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, she likes Grease. She can be chasing a ball or ripping

up a stuffed toy, but when that movie comes on, she stretches out

in front of the TV and doesn’t move until it’s over. Don’t try to

sing along, either. That just pisses her off.”

“She’s good company, isn’t she?”

Hailey pulled a pair sunglasses off the top of her head, turning

her curls loose. She looked sexy with the dark glasses and her hair

all wild, but I missed seeing her vibrant green eyes. “She’s loaded

with unconditional love. She never argues or complains unless

I interrupt her movie. When I’m sad, she knows it and curls up

next to me.”

“Maybe that’s what I’m missing in my life. A pet, something

to take care of.” I shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie

as the cool January wind pushed in behind us.

“There’s no significant other in your life then?” Hailey

asked.

“No,” I said with a shiver. “Sometimes, I doubt there ever will

be. I’m not very good at playing the dating game.”

“Sometimes it’s just easier being alone,” Hailey said as she

dodged a sewer grate. “No hurt feelings, no obligations.”

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Robin Alexander

We strolled up St. Ann to Bourbon Street. When we got to the

intersection, Hailey turned right. If she noticed all the rainbow

flags waving above us, she didn’t let on. She was new to the

neighborhood and probably unaware that she’d just led us into

the heart of the gay district. She was telling me about meeting

the couple who lived in the apartment behind hers. When we

passed two drag queens, she didn’t bat an eye. She smiled and

said hello to them unfazed. I took that as a good sign. Maybe

when I revealed I was gay, she wouldn’t be put off.

As promised, I bought her a cup of coffee, and we found an

open bench dappled in warm sunlight and took a seat. “So where

did you move here from?” I asked. Her lips twitched for a second

before she answered.

“I was on Tchoupitoulas Street for a while.”

“Oh, so you didn’t move far. You’re probably pretty well

acquainted with the neighborhood.” She’d taken her sunglasses

off in the coffee shop, but she put them back over her eyes before

answering.

“Not really,” she said after her lips twitched again. “I never

really ventured down this way much. You don’t really get to know

an area until you live there, I guess. How long have you lived here?”

“All my life, but I’ve only lived in our building for about

six years. It’s funny, I never experienced Mardi Gras until I

was eighteen. My parents would take us to Harahan to stay with

my grandparents every season. They’d drive us to school in

horrendous traffic, it took forever. I remember sleeping under a

blanket in the backseat for most of the ride.”

“You never got to see the parades?”

“The smaller ones in Harahan, but not in the city until I was an

adult. My parents weren’t prudes, but they didn’t want to expose

us to the crowds. My mother was terrified that we’d get separated.”

Hailey took a sip of her mocha latte and purred in delight. “I

guess my parents might’ve been the same way.”

“I take it they don’t live in the city?”

“No.” Hailey shook her head. “Washington, my dad is retired

military.”

“How’d you end up here then?”

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Pitifully Ugly

“Work.” She gave my arm a squeeze. “Now that you’re calm,

do you want to tell me about why you were so upset earlier?”

I looked at her for second, wishing she would take off her

glasses. I wanted to see her eyes when I told her the truth. “I’m

a member of an online dating site. I met a girl there that seemed

really nice. We agreed to meet at Café Du Monde, and everything

was going well. I kind of got my hopes up that she’d be someone

I would be interested in dating.” I waited a second, watching her

face, waiting for her eyebrows to rise over the glasses, but they

didn’t. “Anyway, I was put off by her directness. I just didn’t

think where she was steering the conversation was appropriate

for having just met in person. And then I noticed that her left ring

finger had a definite dent in it.”

“Did you talk to her a while online before you met?” she

asked coolly.

“No, and that was a mistake because if I had, I wouldn’t have

wasted a morning going to meet her. I know it’s silly, but I felt

deceived. I thought she had potential until she got nasty.”

Hailey’s brows did rise then. “Nasty how? Mean?”

“No, not mean, just extremely forward.”

Hailey looked away from me and took another sip of her

coffee. “Deception is a bitch, isn’t it?”

It wasn’t what she said but how she said it with such disgust.

“I take it you’ve been deceived.” She didn’t answer for a minute,

and I was afraid I’d ventured into a topic that was taboo. She took

her glasses off and looked at me. Her eyes revealed pain.

“I was the deceiver. I cheated on my husband.”

I was thrown by her admission and a bit disappointed. I liked

her company and had been kind of hoping that she was gay, too,

even though I suspected otherwise.

“I’ve been cheated on before, but I have to say that being the

cheater is infinitely more painful.” Her voice took on a raspy tone.

“When you’re cheated on, it’s devastating, but friends and family

rally around until you get back on your feet. But when you cheat,

you realize that you’ve inflicted that kind of pain on someone

else, and you’re stuck with that remorse for the rest of your life.

No amount of support or forgiveness can take that away.”

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Robin Alexander

“Did your husband forgive you?”

“Surprisingly, yes, and he’s been a good friend to me.” She

looked away and bowed her head. “It would’ve been easier, I

think, if he would have hated me.”

“Sounds to me like you haven’t forgiven yourself.”

Hailey shook her head. “No, I haven’t, and I doubt I ever wil .”

“If he’s forgiven you, is there a chance for reconciliation?”

“I love him, but I can’t be a wife.”

She looked as though she were about to cry, so I let the

subject drop. “So now you share your life with a dog that likes

musicals.”

I watched her tension evaporate. The wrinkles left her brow

and her shoulders relaxed. “Yeah, the unconditional love is great.

Although I do wish she would play tennis. I really miss that.”

“Tennis, huh?”

“Yeah, do you play?” Hailey asked.

“I’m a mean badminton player. The concept is the same, isn’t

it?” I loved the way she wrinkled her nose in response.

“It’s similar.”

“I have a membership to a health club that I never use. They

have tennis courts, and I could really use the exercise,” I said,

hoping that she’d be interested.

She looked at me and smiled. “You look like you’re in pretty

decent shape.”

I patted my stomach. “That’s because I’m hiding my fluff in

this hoodie. This could be a good thing. You can teach me to play

tennis properly, and I can work off my pudge. It’s a win-win, at

least for me.”

“I’d love to,” she said with a smile.

“Okay, that’s settled. Now that we’re talking about exercise,

I’m hungry.”

She really perked up then. “I found a sandwich shop a couple

of blocks over. They have all kinds of sprouts and healthy stuff.

Wanna try it?”

I was thinking Mexican with lots of gooey cheese, but when

she jumped up and pulled me to my feet, I was helpless but to

follow.

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Pitifully Ugly

Healthy food sucks. I sat looking down at a gluten-free wrap

filled with something that looked like grass and a cheese that

was anything but gooey. The first bite nearly gagged me, but I

swallowed it down with green tea that made it tolerable.

“You like?” Hailey asked when she put her half-eaten wrap

down and took a sip of tea with the leaves floating in the bottom

of her glass.

I should’ve been truthful and told her it tasted like shit, not that

I’d ever tasted that, but the flavor had to be close. “It’s great.”

The conversation had fallen into a lull. I was at a loss for

anything to say because my taste buds were screaming in

rebellion.

“It’s a shame about the girl you met. I’m sorry that you were

so disappointed,” she said suddenly.

I smiled at the way her lips twitched. “My sister tried to warn

me away from online dating, but I didn’t take her advice.”

“Why did you join?” she asked before polishing off the

grotesque wrap. I had no idea how she could maintain such a

pleasant expression as she chewed.

“I’m terrible at meeting people.”

“You met me.”

I pushed my wrap away. “I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I

thought. I’ll save this for dinner. As for meeting you, I guess

that’s different. You’re easy to talk to, and since we live in the

same building, that gives us something in common right off the

bat.”She smiled. “You did seem kind of nervous the first few times

we talked.”

“Magnify that a hundred times, and that’s me on a first

date.”

“I find you charming,” she said, meeting my eyes. “If you

allow someone to see this side of you, you’d have plenty of

prospects.”

“And therein lies the problem. When I met Stacy this morning,

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Robin Alexander

I was so nervous, I thought I was going to be sick a couple of times.

Then when she started talking about…butt sex, I flipped.”

Hailey laughed so loud that a couple of patrons looked our

way. She covered her mouth until she was composed. “What’s the

name of this dating site you’re on—booty buddies?”

“No, the Rainbow Room, it’s for lesbians.”

Hailey’s lips did that odd little twitch again before she took a

sip of her tea.

“Does it make you uneasy that I’m a lesbian?”

“Not at all,” she said seriously. “You are who you are, and you

seem to be comfortable with that. I think it’s great.”

“I don’t think anyone has ever used that word to describe

me,” I said with a pleased smile.

“Comfortable?”

“Yes.”

“Want me to tell you what else I see in you?” Hailey asked

with a daring smile. “I’ve been told that I’m supremely accurate

with my first impressions.”

I leaned back in my chair, unsure if I wanted to hear what she

had to say. “Is it bad?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“Okay then, be honest but gentle.”

“It’s blatantly obvious that you’re shy,” Hailey began. “As you

said, you’re uncomfortable with small talk. You’re very warm

and kind, though, and I suspect quick to forgive. I figure that

your apartment is immaculately clean, and you’re meticulously

organized when it comes to work. And I think,” Hailey said with

a broad smile, “when you do meet that special someone, you’re

going to make her very happy.”

“I’d already told you about the shy part, but how did you come

to the conclusions on the rest?”

“That’s easy,” Hailey said with a wave of her hand.

“Accountants are meticulous and organized because they have to

be, or they wouldn’t be in business for long. Your clothes, even the

casual ones, are never wrinkled, so you obviously fold everything

and put it away, instead of living out of a clothes basket. And the

kindness part is just something I sense about you.”

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Pitifully Ugly

I was taken aback by her observations. I’d always taken

fleeting glances at people, afraid that they might see me looking

too closely. I noticed obvious things like hair color or body type,

but not much more. Even with Hailey, I always looked at her with

sideways glances. Now as I looked at her, I could see she was

watching intently as I fiddled with my napkin. Her inquisitive

gaze moved to my leg that was bouncing nonstop.

“Your turn,” she said almost hesitantly. “What do you see in

me?”I felt nervous as I openly appraised her for the first time.

Something in her eyes made me feel like she truly wanted me to

see her, to know who she was. I couldn’t look at them for very

long because I knew she was analyzing me as I studied her. There

were faint laugh lines around her eyes and mouth, a tiny almost

imperceptible scar at the corner of her top lip. Her hands looked

soft with clear polished short nails that twitched slightly as my

gaze flittered over them.

Her sweatshirt was creased in the center of her chest. I looked

down at her jeans that were slightly creased below the knee. Her

hiking boots looked like they’d never seen a trail, though there

was a bit of grass clinging to the heel of one. I looked back up at

her hair that was held back off her face by her sunglasses.

When I first saw her, I thought she was attractive, but now

as I looked at her, she was stunning. I averted my gaze, unable

to look at her any longer. She stirred something within me that I

knew I would always have to deny.

“I think it was easy for you to see what I do with my clothes

because you do the same thing,” I said with a smile that she

returned. “I believe you have to dress up for work and truly enjoy

being casual when you can. You don’t hike, though you’re wearing

the boots for it, and I think maybe you took Fuzzy somewhere

grassy recently.”

“Very good,” Hailey said. “You really—”

“You’re hiding something that you’re not ready to talk about,”

I blurted out, unable to stop myself. It was the twitch thing she did

with her lips. Kalen always opened her eyes very wide when she

didn’t want to be forthcoming.

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Robin Alexander

Hailey’s leg started to bounce like mine was still doing. “You

pay closer attention than I thought you did.”

“That kind of surprised me, too,” I admitted. “I won’t ask you

what your secret is because when you’re ready, I think you’ll tell

me.”Hailey’s lips twitched again before she laughed nervously.

“Okay.”

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Pitifully Ugly