So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Change is in the stale air—or is it the absence of that sweet fragrance of flesh? Sprawling streets, once filled with ear-piercing screams and sirens, are now mute, save only for the howl of the wind. Juicy bodies have been replaced with useless rotten carcasses. Ruination is everywhere, with barricades unbreached, a sure sign of death. Either by depletion or evacuation, once-plentiful brainy resources have all but disappeared, and your monthly supply of grub has become murderous to round up.

What’s worse, the once relentless horde is beginning to show signs of fragility. Starving zeds go stiff from extreme decomposition. The z-virus may have mutated, removing the very safeguards that once kept one zombie from attacking another. As the violence grows, snapping and clawing gives way to zed-on-zed murder.

Is this it? Is this the zombie plague we so desperately pursued? Are you feeling like the unwitting pawn in an undead apocalypse?

Well, if you think the end is near, read on.

Never Give Up!

Yes, you heard us right: never give up! Intoxicating gray matter may be hard to scare up, but it’s out there, waiting to be slurped down. While the human race may seem fragile, history has proven that they show amazing perseverance. No matter how overwhelming the zed siege was, pockets of mortals may survive in hiding, camouflaged, conspiring toward yet another undead onslaught.

To find these hidden breathers, may we suggest a change of scenery? Shamble your horde to new, unfamiliar hunting grounds. Do whatever is necessary to prolong your post-life along the way, including taste-testing nonhuman sources of food (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114). Experiment with all types of creepy-crawly foods, including worms and bugs.

No matter how desperate you are, though, do not resort to zombie cannibalism! Unless you’re doing it for some twisted personal revenge, eating a fellow zed serves absolutely no purpose, and is actually counterproductive. Infected flesh does not nourish the z-virus; it will only weigh down your frame, reducing your mobility. In addition, if you introduce an incompatible virus strain into your body, there could be all types of unpleasant side effects, including virus blisters. These pockets of toxic fluids can reduce your zombie abilities—eyes, ears, nose, and mouth can become clogged with skin boils. So before sampling another zed, search under every rock, leaf, and twig for an edible alternative. And rest assured that your tasty human opposition is out there somewhere, ready to be put back on the menu.

Escaping Captivity

As a zombie outbreak winds down, you may find yourself captured by the elusive human resistance. While you probably won’t be happy to find yourself quarantined, it’s better than decapitation any day.

Keep in mind, however, that the breathers didn’t spare your life out of the goodness of their still-beating hearts. They generally capture zombies to engage in experimentation and tingling torture, neither of which should faze you. But another possibility is that they are processing you for disposal, which will faze you—out!

Humans are fully aware that you pose a serious hazard to them. To keep you safely contained, they’ll often resort to shackles and solitary confinement. Imprisoned, away from the horde, what’s a zed to do?

Your first move should be to free yourself from bondage. Use your teeth. Leather, plastic, and rope can all be gnawed through. But if the restraints are made out of a metal alloy, you may need to chew or twist off your appendages. Don’t get carried away—just gnaw the appendages that are restrained. Yes, dismemberment sucks, but at least you’ll be one step (or crawl) closer to freedom.

Use one of your body weapons (see “Use Your Body as a Weapon,” page 81) to overcome your captors. Projectile vomiting is the most effective weapon when confined, but it’s not always possible for all zeds. Continue kicking and screaming until you’ve released your deadly contagion onto one or all of your captors.

If the previous step succeeds, your living guards soon should be feeling the symptoms of the virus. This gives you a few exit options:

You can try to bolt while they are weakened and delusional—however, you may run into obstacles (see “Obstacles You Will Face,” page 59).

You can wait until the virus paralyzes them, feed on them for strength, and then attempt to depart.

Perhaps the best option is to wait for your captors to be reanimated. If they survive zombification, they may be a big help. Research from field observation has shown that some newly reanimated zeds repeat past learned behaviors, such as unlocking cell doors. Your new zedmate could very well set you free!

Zombicide

Desperate times call for desperate measures. When all else fails, some zeds may want to avoid a slow, decomposing death. While we do not advocate zombicide, we can’t stop you from trying it. You may have encountered too many hazards in the human world, any of which could have terminated you. But what if no mortal is present to do the deed? Two self-inflicted options stand out from all the others. Review these options, but please reconsider—you have your whole undead life ahead of you!

After any widespread zombie uprising, you’re likely to find a number of fires burning out of control. If you are a truly lazy zed, and are suffering the drying effects of decomposition, creep into the burning embers to end it all. The next few minutes will be your last, as flames swallow up your devilish bag of bones.

Height can kill! If you’re looking for a quick way to destroy your brain, take a tumble off a bridge, parking structure, or high-rise. But before you do, make sure you’ll be falling three stories or more. Anything less will just cause deformities.

Be warned, other zeds may follow you. Zombies have been known to exhibit lemming-like behavior, which could turn your zombicide into a deadly game of follow the leader. To reduce horde fatalities, wait until your fellow zombies are safely out of sight.