So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Using the hunting strategies in the previous chapters, you’ll be able to successfully track down your brainy target. What next? In order to subdue a living body for feasting, you need another plan of action.

Although only a small percentage of the living are prepared for living-on-undead combat, and most will ultimately fall before the zombie horde, that doesn’t mean a battle can’t be dangerous for you, the individual zombie. Humans possess an intense survival instinct, and when panic boosts their adrenaline, they’re capable of desperate feats of strength that can catch even the hardiest zombie off guard. Being slightly more coordinated than you, humans may wield makeshift weaponry and employ nontraditional fighting strategies—expect them to shoot at you, burn you, and impale you with pointy sticks.

Nevertheless, when most zombies attack a human, they prefer to whale away blindly, disregarding any physical damage their target inflicts on them in return. From past zombie experiences, we’ve realized this probably isn’t the best approach. Since our undead bodies don’t heal from injury, self-preservation is very important.

Yes, the undead instinct is always “Bite first, ask questions later,” but if you aren’t careful, that strategy can lead to your demise. Mastering a few simple self-defense strategies, including “weapons of the body,” will not only surprise the humans but also possibly impress your fellow zeds.

Holding Techniques

You’ve worked hard to find your prey, so you’d hate to lose it! The most basic attack strategy is holding a victim against his or her will. A properly executed hold will give you the opportunity to employ the other nasty strategies found in this chapter. Briefly study this illustration of the four most effective holds: the Hair Hold, the Bite Hold, the Arm Hold, and the Leg Hold.

Use Your Body as a Weapon

Your body is bursting with all types of bloodthirsty weaponry that can be used against the living. And remember: your flesh and blood are highly infectious. Once your victim is infected with the z-virus, he or she will begin to experience all types of nasty symptoms, weakening resistance and making it easier for you to gorge out. You can increase the likelihood of viral transference by biting, scratching, spitting, bleeding, and/or vomiting on your target.

The following diagram illustrates the deadliest weapons in your personal arsenal.

Your bite is mightier than your moan! Using your teeth, bite down on your victim’s flesh, hard enough to tear through the skin. This will cause direct fluid-to-fluid contact. If you are a severely decomposed zombie, you may have experienced tooth loss. Your rotten gums may not break the skin’s surface, making your mouth a less effective weapon.

Heaving toxic fluid from your stomach allows the possibility of attack at a distance. It can weaken your victim through infection, disorientation, or disgust, and can also cause temporary blindness. One out of four zombies is capable of projectile vomiting to a distance of six to seven feet.

At the ends of your fingers are fingernails, made up of a tough protein called keratin. These popular zombie weapons, randomly sharpened by breaks and chips, can easily pierce your victim’s soft skin. When attacking for the kill, the more lacerations the more blood loss.

You should concentrate on clawing around your prey’s neck. If you cut the jugular vein, it can lead to fatal hemorrhaging. Clawing the victim’s head can also impair his or her vision, and possibly cause a concussion.

Enjoy your fingernails while you still can; eventually you will lose them due to severe decomposition.

Zed Melee Weapons

Along with their biological weapons (their bodies), certain zombies are capable of using primitive external weapons. If chimpanzees can, why can’t zeds?

Most advanced weapons require study and training to use. In other words, they’re too complicated for a zed. However, melee weapons, designed for close combat, can be effective without any technical know-how, just random arm motions.

A blunt weapon is an edgeless, rounded, or unsharpened object used to inflict blunt force trauma. Clubs, pipes, logs, and severed body parts are all classified as blunt weapons. Tightly grab one of these items and haphazardly swing it around. Amputated appendages can be used to harm your victim psychologically as well as physically.

An edged weapon has two ends, the edge and the handle. If you carelessly handle the wrong end, you could lose a finger. Grab onto the non-shiny part before operating. These weapons usually require some training, but your abnormal shuffling and twitching will make it difficult for your victim to avoid being lacerated.

You can quickly turn an ordinary object into a dangerous projectile by tossing it through the air, a technique best used during a siege. Glass fortifications can sometimes be demolished by chucking living and nonliving objects into them.

But now the bad news: 7 out of 10 zombies are incapable of throwing an object, and of the 3 who can, only 1 can hit its intended target.

Defensive Strategies

Past attempts at initiating a zombie apocalypse have always failed miserably. We know now that one of our biggest blunders has been our lack of defensive strategies. A zombie never retreats, only attacks—but better to attack in a way that limits the possibility of cranial injury and re-death. By studying thousands of failed engagements between humans and long-gone zeds, we have identified some of the most common attacks scenarios implemented by the living, and learned how to most effectively counter them.

Most humans are predictable—they usually go for your head. They have crafted all types of weapons to do this, but most often they rely on firearms. In certain situations, they may resort to fire or melee weapons instead, and either of these weapons can also cause cranial damage.

Review the following defensive strategies for the most common human attacks, and with a little luck you will avoid the embarrassing fate of our zombie forebears. Need more motivation? It’s quite possible these trigger-happy humans used to be your buddies! Such behavior from an ex is understandable, but family and friends—what gives?

Avoiding the Bullet

Head shots are a bitch! A bullet targeted to the brain will cause almost certain death. Slow as you are, it is highly unlikely you can avoid a bullet traveling as fast as four thousand feet per second. Your best protection is avoiding gunfire altogether.

Of course, that isn’t always possible. If they can, the living will certainly stockpile sufficient firepower to protect themselves and possibly hunt you down. Fortunately, as mentioned earlier (see “Terrible with Weapons,” page 35), most humans are not trained marksmen and will unload rounds wildly, desperately trying to land a lucky shot between your eyes. These cowboy antics are as likely to hit other humans as they are you. Unfortunately, other breathers are trained snipers, waiting for a trophy zombie to kill. Until you have a chance to observe the shooter’s technique, it will be very difficult to know the skill level of the target you are about to engage.

When being fired upon, you must avoid shots in both the Kill Box and the Deadly Triangle areas. A shot to the Kill Box is 99.9 percent fatal. Trained marksmen also aim at the Deadly Triangle, which if hit will result in an undead fatality. Head areas outside these kill zones are capable of absorbing minor blows without lasting effect, though if strong enough the hits could cause unconsciousness for 1 to 10 minutes. Severe damage to the upper spinal cord, the brain stem area, could also result in termination.

In short, guns are bad news. If you see a human holding one of the firearms depicted here, implement one of the following bullet-avoidance attack strategies. Remember, even after being bitten, your victim still is capable of firing a weapon, so once you’ve employed a maneuver it is important to disarm (or remove the arm of) the shooter to avoid a scuffle shot.

The Diamond Attack, also called the Zombie Wedge, is used to move directly and quickly toward an armed human. If a Diamond Attack maneuver succeeds, the human target will only have time to take down the lead zombies posing the most imminent danger before the distance between the two forces closes and the remaining zombie in the rear can quickly overtake its target.

For obvious reasons, the ideal role in this maneuver is to be the zombie in the back. Once you reach your victim, engage in biting combat. Results may vary with the number of human targets, ammunition supply, and firing accuracy.

A swarm attack, better known as Flanking Zeds, is a tactical maneuver used by a horde during a frontal attack. In it, zeds attack their target from several directions. Swarming from different positions, they force their enemy to defend two or three sides at once, overwhelming him or her.

Employing Flanking Zeds also reduces the maneuverability of the living and reduces the chance that a similar flanking tactic could be used against the horde. With both a physical and psychological advantage, victory is possible.

With the Zombie Shield, you protect your own body by using another corpse to absorb bullets fired at you. Snatch up a lifeless “volunteer” and position him or her directly between you and the living human’s weapon. Hold tightly to your protective armor until you’ve closed the distance between you and the shooter. Once you’re within striking distance, throw the body at your prey while you lunge mouth-first at him or her.

The Zedcoy maneuver is designed to distract the living while a hidden zombie party executes a surprise attack. The decoy zombie captures the attention of your target by screaming, vomiting, charging, or throwing something. While the zedcoy begins absorbing shots, a second group attacks from behind.

This strategy may sound simple, but with all our random moaning and clumsiness, it’s unlikely that the second group will be able to approach the victim in complete silence. The louder and more threatening the zedcoy, the better. A fast zedcoy also increases the chances of success, as it reduces the shooter’s opportunity for successful head shots.

Attacking from every direction simultaneously will overwhelm your victim with potential targets while reducing his or her maneuverability. Tactically, it sounds ideal, but with the human firing at random zeds, it could quickly turn into an unfriendly game of Russian Roulette. Ensure that the shooter is a poor shot before proceeding.

This tactic has also been given the name Snack Attack, because with so many zombies, each attacker’s portion of human flesh will be small (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143). Everyone will have their dirty little fingers in your dirty little human pie.

Zombies away! An Aerial Fall will be completely unexpected by any mortal playing cowboy in the streets beneath a high-rise. In order to gain the tactical advantage of height, you will first have to master the obstacle of stairs (see “Obstacles You Will Face,” page 59). Climb up a story or two (any higher and you risk a fatal fall), and wait until your victim is directly below you. Then quietly plummet to the ground and squash your prey.

The impact should severely injure your target, or at least disorient him. After that, inject your teeth into your landing cushion.

The Flame

When humans play with fire, be prepared to be burned!

Fire has always captured the attention of zeds on the prowl. We are mentally incapable of starting a fire of any kind (on purpose), so fire is usually associated with the presence of the living, who use it for cooking, heating, and illumination. Once humans get a fire burning, flickering flames or plumes of smoke can easily be spotted at great distances. Even if our vision is hampered by blocked sightlines or facial damage, our zombie noses can still smell the smoke. Once alerted, we can rarely resist advancing in the direction of the fire.

Our infatuation can be problematic, though, as humans have been known to use fire as a weapon. True, flames can’t cause us pain, but does this mean that they have no effect on us? Sorry to say, but recorded attacks have proven they do; your brain can very easily be cooked. A dried-up, severely decomposed zed can be incinerated in just a few minutes, while a fresh zombie can last nearly half an hour before being reduced to ashes. But even if you outlast the flames, body parts that have been damaged stay damaged. What’s more, smoke is rarely a successful medium for spreading the z-virus.

Most humans will conserve flammable fuels during an outbreak, but they might spare some to incinerate a zombie when necessary. Commit the arson tools shown below to memory. If you observe one of them in the hands of a human, put into action one of the following fire strategies. Some of these strategies can also be used against corrosive acids.

Most zombies are completely incapable of recognizing the smell of gasoline or other volatile fuels (diesel oil, kerosene, etc.), and the resistance knows it, those pyrohuman bastards! They have adopted two successful tactics to exploit this weakness. The first and more common is to pour a pool of flammable liquid on the ground, lure us into it, and set it ablaze from a distance. The second, generally used as a last-ditch option, is simply to throw the liquid at us and ignite us. If either of these things happens, you should keep moving toward your target. That’s why this tactic is known as the Drench March.

Yes, your clothing will quickly catch fire and melt to your skin. But keep in mind that the only thing more lethal than you is you on fire! If you’re blazing, don’t hesitate—attack! You could very well spread the fire, hampering the defenses of the living. One of the best-recorded zombie fire attacks caused the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. Eventually the inferno destroyed four square miles of breather territory. Humans blamed the blaze on Mrs. O’Leary’s cow—how utterly ridiculous.

Some fire will knock you on your ass! Military flamethrowers are capable of propelling a burst of flammable liquid over one hundred feet. These backpack models are currently out of service, though many are in the hands of private collectors.

If you do encounter a flamethrower, the flames will likely burn your eyes, detrimentally affecting your vision. And even if the flamethrower misses you, the burst of illumination can still cause temporary blindness. It’s important to maintain your “fire composure.” Once ignited, keep your balance and continue in the direction you last saw your target.

During a battle, you’ll experience all types of homemade fire grenades. The most common is the Molotov cocktail. Made out of a glass bottle filled with flammable fuels and a cloth wick, it explodes into flames on impact.

The Molotov Bypass is the study of a burning missile’s trajectory. While the device is in the air, you estimate its point of impact and shuffle away from the surrounding area.

In truth, this is not a good strategy. You really shouldn’t alter your course of attack. Any human who is capable of hitting you with a bottle is already in eatable distance. Flaming or not, shamble on. Make your junior anarchist reconsider his or her profession.

Hand-to-Mouth Combat

Advanced though they are, firearms and flame weapons still have their problems. Supplies of ammunition and fuel will run out during an extended zombie uprising, forcing the living to resort to the melee weapons of the past.

Ancient breathers developed the spear around 400,000 years ago. It was very popular and effective against animal targets, but it proved useless against the ancient zombie. So humans developed more sophisticated weapons designed to decapitate the undead, such as the ax and the sword. Eventually, however, they realized that attacking at a distance was the best way to avoid accidental infection. So around 1300 A.D., the brains-at-arms developed the firearm. This new weapon made the battle-ax and sword obsolete. The ax evolved into a tool. The sword’s fate was much grimmer; today it is sold as decorative art on TV shopping networks.

If a desperate human pulls one of these melee weapons out of retirement, you have little to worry about. Most of them are relatively harmless to you, with a low chance of inflicting cranial injury. They are all designed for close combat, which means you’ll be within arm’s reach of your meal before you’re in any danger. Once in close proximity, resort to biting, scratching, and spitting to slow and subdue your target. In the end, all such confrontations will eventually lead to hand-to-mouth combat.

Review the melee weapons in the chart on the next page. If your target is holding onto one of these objects, use the following attack strategies to prevail in the final struggle.

In the Erratic Attack, also known as the Zombie Gait, you move with inconsistent motion toward your attacker, keeping your head slightly tilted. With a lowered head and unpredictable motion, you will decrease your adversary’s targeting accuracy. Flailing your arms can also improve this defensive strategy.

If the target still manages to land a blow to your head but it’s not strong enough to crush your skull or decapitate you, proceed. Always proceed!

It is not impossible to defend against a sword. When you approach within a corpse’s length of your prey, fall headfirst into your target’s knees or thighs. This will greatly disrupt his or her sword-swinging form, making a clean decapitation difficult. Before the human can readjust or execute a second swing, clench and maul his or her leg.

If you forget to execute the Chopping Block maneuver, all is not lost. Most swords are incapable of cutting bones. Even if your flesh is cut, you can survive partial decapitation if the brain stem remains intact.

If you position your arms in front of your face, you will shield your unprotected neck from sharp-edged weapons. The Forearm Shield can result in lost appendages, but it’s a small price to pay to avoid decapitation. Take the hit and proceed.

Expect additional damage to your center of mass or lower extremities, both of which might slow you down. Edged weapons that impale your flesh are likely to stay lodged in your body for extended periods of time. Significant protruding handles and arrows can snag on objects and increase body damage. Shamble with care.

Borrowed from our supernatural siblings the mummies, the Ghoul Reach has been used successfully for thousands of years. By extending your arms in front of your body, you decrease your opponent’s access to your neck or head.

Once your arms are extended, use your hands to claw, scratch, or latch onto your victim. For unknown reasons, the Ghoul Reach tends to increase moaning.

1. Someone just stabbed a knife in my back. I should…

a. Seek medical attention immediately!

b. Get over it, and continue with what I am doing.

c. Fall down to ease the pain.

d. Have a fellow Zed remove it.

2. Someone just set me on fire. What should I do?

a. Retreat back into the zombie mob.

b. Search for water.

c. Continue attacking.

d. Extinguish it with flammable fuel.

3. I’m being shot at, but they can’t hit squat. I should…

a. Use the Zombie Shield technique.

b. Implement the Ghoul Reach.

c. Retreat.

d. Defecate in my pants.

4. He’s holding a katana sword!

a. Do not engage and look for an exit strategy!

b. Play dead.

c. Execute the Chopping Block on that mofo.

d. Look for your own sword or appendage to duel.

5. Melee weapon include…

a. Pickaxes.

b. Metal pipes.

c. Machetes.

d. All the above.

6. I’ve encountered many humans with multiple weapons. I should…

a. Seek reinforcements.

b. Surrender by waving a white cloth.

c. Not be intimidated, and attack.

d. Run and hide.