So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead

Can we speak zed-to-zed? You can’t keep putting the brain on a pedestal. Uninfected breathers to brainwash gullible zeds into believing a coherent brain is godlike and unattainable. And though functioning gray matter can be cunning and crafty, it’s basically gooey mush.

Brains are also plentiful, though they don’t grow on trees. You have to get up off your bony butt and find them! Brain acquisition is the first rite of passage for any new recruit. But locating a human volunteer for your undead hazing is not easy. As all zombies know, heads are attached to bodies, and bodies have legs. A human’s are responsible for both locomotion and “consumption prevention”—anything to stay off the menu. Humans will run and hide, which can make obtaining their brains very difficult.

Yet not all humans will be hard to sink your teeth into. During the early stages of any zombie plague, less intelligent humans will be completely oblivious to the severity of the problem and continue to stumble around. As natural selection runs its course, other humans will wise up and get the hell out of sight. When this happens, you will need to develop your unique zombie talents to sniff out the living.

This chapter should assist any zed in the relentless pursuit of living Homo sapiens. It will outline successful hunting techniques and provide helpful strategies to penetrate human structures and overcome the obstacles you will face on the hunt.

But be cautious. While there is nothing like the pursuit of a living man, it’s only the first step in the feeding process. If you track down a meal only to find yourself unprepared to kill it, you’ll not only embarrass yourself but also put yourself in danger. To increase the chances of a successful hunt, carefully study the chapter on combat techniques before setting out (see “Attacking,” page 79).

In addition, hunting should always be attempted with fellow zeds. Most hunters are more effective as a pack—or in your case a horde. By communally descending on a single target, it will be more difficult for a swift-moving human to slip though your grasp.

Lunch, Dinner, or Midnight Snack?

Humans are generally more active during daylight and sleep at night to restore their bodies, which makes nighttime the ideal time for a zombie hunt. Most humans will be unprepared or resting, which makes them easy targets. In many cases, humans snore. A snoring human continually makes noises while sleeping, a sound that you can easily detect. Once you spot a group of sleeping humans, target the closest prey; the others will probably awake after you attack.

Once a zombie outbreak is in full swing, however, humans will dramatically alter their daily routine. You will experience human activity at all hours, including the dead of night. Humans often use the cover of darkness to migrate or forage for supplies. Their flashlights, torches, and lanterns are easily visible, even several miles away, depending on weather and terrain. More cautious humans may use the darkness to their advantage, shutting off their lights to conceal their presence. However, this will reduce their own ability to see, increasing these heavy breathers’ vulnerability to sneak attacks.

So should you discontinue day hunting? The short answer is no! Even though nocturnal hunting has many advantages, the bright light of day provides amazing visibility. However, some z-virus strains cause extreme light sensitivity, which forces the unlucky zed to hide during daylight and avoid blinding lightbulbs. Photosensitive zombies may also experience severe headaches, made all the worse when accompanied by human screaming.

Tracking

When it comes to hunting, zombies are inherently good trackers, so don’t disappoint the horde! With a combination of your specialized senses and an understanding of clues left by the living, it is easy to locate possible human habitations. Here are the most important clues that will help you close in on your meal.

Smoke. Smoke is a sure sign that something has gone down! While large plumes are usually the result of a car crash or house fire, small wisps of smoke suggest a human settlement. Humans may huddle around a fire to keep warm, and they have the disgusting habit of cooking food over open flames.

Trash. Humans are megaconsumers—they generate large amounts of trash, and often leave a trail of it behind them. Just follow the shiny candy-bar wrappers and empty bottles and cans, and you should find some unfortunate slob.

Fortified Structures. Homes or other buildings that have been fortified against zombie attack—with boarded up windows, for example—are usually stockpiled with brains. (See “Human Structures,” page 51.)

Vehicles. Cars and trucks that look to be in working condition, especially with abundant supplies strapped to the roof, are a sign that some human is prepared and on the move. (See “Transportation,” page 65.)

Pets. Breathers love companionship, and where a well-cared-for domestic animal is present, humans are never far behind. Dogs will detect your odor and start barking, which can help you find their owners. In a pinch, pets are suitable for eating (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114).

Noise. Our advice to you: investigate all noises. Most sounds are the direct result of something man-made or other zeds on the hunt.

Hunting Techniques

Once you’ve tracked down a promising supply, it’s time to round up some humans!

While you might be tempted to make it up as you go, here are a few techniques zeds have developed during past hunts that tend to yield a higher kill rate. Always remember: Safety in numbers and avoid being in front. And do not engage a human before reading the chapter on attack strategies (see page 79).

To bait your prey, first immobilize a human decoy, preferably an attractive female. Keep your bait in a state of consciousness; your damsel in distress should remain screaming. In time, concern and arousal will lure other breathers out of hiding to assist her. Their stupidity will be your reward—converge on the human heroes and attack. If they call your bluff and abandon her, just finish her off.

One warning: you may find that zombies outside of your horde will try to steal your bait for their meal. Be prepared for zed-on-zed violence.

Humans can be successfully herded in both rural and urban settings. The most difficult part of this tactic is separating your horde into two separate stalking groups. Once that is accomplished, the first group (the “drivers”) should slowly shamble forward, moaning and screaming. This undead commotion will alarm the living, who will flee from the impending assault—right into a trap set by your second group of brain-eaters.

Instinctively, zeds have always relied on flushing techniques,the art of scaring the living out of hiding because of the fear of being eaten alive. This hunting method can create a mass exodus of breathers, right into the flailing arms of the horde outside.

While it might seem straightforward, success is not inevitable. It is very possible that a weapon-welding human is prepared for the initial assault, ready to chop off the head of any invading zombie. Sure, zombies fear nothing, but losing one’s head can ruin anyone’s day, so avoid being the “flusher” and stick with the waiting horde.

Use your inherent tirelessness to pursue the living to exhaustion. Most human are easily capable of out running an average zombie … in the short run. But eventually your prey will need to rest—it’s human nature—giving you the opportunity for a burden-free meal.

In this race, slow and steady always wins. If you are missing your legs, try crawling.

Waiting for Food

When severe decomposition starts affecting your performance, or you’ve experienced the loss of major appendages, your quest for brains could become wearisome. In order to put food in your mouth, you will need to employ new hunting strategies. While most zombies roam far and wide for food, the patient zombie, hiding in secret, can be just as effective. Eventually, all brains come to those who wait.

The elements of surprise and fear work in your favor when ambushing your quarry. Here are the top 10 places to hide and hunt.

1. Closet. General storage areas, from wardrobes to kitchen cabinets, can be found in any human residence. They’re perfect for waiting until someone comes home, or a biohazard cleanup crew sweeps through.

2. Bathroom. ¿Donde esta el baño? The bathroom is usually a small enclosed space with few windows, making quick exits difficult. Since every human will eventually need to “use the facilities,” catching a human with his or her pants down can make for an easy meal.

3. Under the Bed. Yes, the old “monster under the bed” trick! Conceal yourself under or behind furniture, perfect for staying out of sight, out of mind. Wait for your victim’s pudgy ankles to walk by, then bite, claw, or grab.

4. Basement. With minimal lighting and ample room to maneuver, the cellar is the perfect place to hang out until some human comes down looking for more AA batteries. Zed experience has shown that positioning yourself under the steps can be very successful.

5. Vehicles. Operating a car door latch may be above your IQ level, but perhaps someone in your horde will possess the necessary dexterity. Once you gain access to the vehicle, head for the rear. The trunk or backseat is a perfect location to hide until your victim buckles up!

6. Trash Cans. A trash can, dumpster, or pile of trash is the perfect cover, though the smell might hamper your ability to detect prey. At the same time, however, the odor can mask your own scent from humans, allowing you to casually hang out until something tasty walks by.

7. Behind Trees. Find a good-sized tree that’s larger than your width. From our past experiences, a tree that is smaller may not work as well.

8. Sewers. Storm drains, ditches, and gutters are usually within proximity of high-traffic areas such as parking lots and sidewalks. Lie down in the right one and you could snag yourself a street-side meal. However, as with trash cans, the sewer odor can decrease your zombie senses.

9. Outbuildings. Sheds, outhouses, chicken coops, and doghouses are all wonderful places to lay low. A human is bound to investigate when the family dog starts barking in the backyard. When the curious breather cracks open the door, unleash a world of hurt.

10. Cemeteries. How stereotypical, right? Wrong! Graveyards are filled with hundreds of headstones that are perfect to lurk behind. Eventually, someone’s going to take a shortcut to death, and you’ll be waiting to help them.

Human Structures

At some point during a successful zombie uprising, officials in the human government will broadcast warnings and possibly even issue a quarantine for the infected area, trapping plenty of the living in the hot zone. At this point, many humans will barricade themselves in houses, commercial buildings, or other man-made structures they perceive to be safe. Each type of structure, from an isolated farmhouse to a neighborhood pub, will require zombie entry strategies to bypass breathers’ feeble attempts to stop us.

The word “house” is a generic term that describes human residences of all shapes and sizes. However different they may appear, most houses share structural similarities, such as doors, windows, roofs, and toilets. These dwellings, from the cardboard box to the Hampton mansion, are designed to satisfy the personal and emotional needs of the living.

Though humans build their homes with certain safeguards to keep out possible intruders, during an outbreak they often add additional fortifications to deter the infected. With only basic weekend warrior skills, breathers will board up windows, block entrances, and erect additional fencing. Some humans will sit in them quietly, hoping not to be noticed, while others will brazenly use weaponry for added defense. Most of these added measures can easily be bypassed by experienced undead soldiers—and, as mentioned earlier, they are a sure sign of recent human occupancy.

Review these illustrations of two single-family detached houses. With a quick glance, you will notice that House 1 has been fortified with additional structures that could make entering it difficult. They are evidence that someone has prepared the house for the current epidemic. Very likely, the house will contain not only that someone and his or her loved ones but also other uninfected humans who were attracted there by the promise of safe refuge.

House 2 is noticeably different. A house that shows signs of forced entry, with open doors, broken windows, and other structural damage, is less likely to yield a warm meal. Because this pad’s entry points are available and unobstructed, it provides no protection for the living.

So only House 1 is worth your attention. But how do you gain access to such a well-fortified home?

1. Ho ho ho, it’s Zombie Santa! With dislocated joints and a slightly smaller decomposing body, it might be possible for you to shimmy down the chimney. If you smell smoke, abort the mission—a fire is waiting at the bottom, ready to ignite your rotten ass. Remember, cremation can be fatal.

2. Given your impaired dexterity, climbing to a second story window might be difficult, and humans will often assume that it’s downright impossible. Most likely, they will leave this window relatively unfortified, making it an easy access point for zombie climbers.

3. Huffing and puffing will not blow the house down, but a zombie battering ram might! Grab the nearest zed or zed-terminated corpse and use it to break down the door.

4. During a zombie pandemic, homeowners are seldom able to locate a reliable contractor. A home’s windows may appear to be boarded up, but it’s very likely that someone tried to save some time and got stingy on the nails. Just yank the wood a bit to see if anything budges.

5. The old basement window trick. Humans will often run upstairs but neglect their basement defenses. Check the lowest windows, break the glass, then crawl or fall in.

6. Depending on the year and model, it might be possible to just lift a garage door open. If you don’t find a vehicle, don’t be fooled; an empty garage doesn’t mean the house is empty.

7. The garage window is another area of the house that could have been neglected. Push, pull, and slide it, but if it doesn’t budge, just start pounding. The noise of breaking glass may frighten the living out of hiding.

8. Use your head to smash the window in the garage’s service door. A few head butts and you should fall right inside.

9. Depending on the house design, an additional entrance for the basement may be available around back—the perfect opening for a sneak attack.

10. Use what’s available to gain entry. Patio furniture, bricks, stones, flowerpots, severed limbs, or other yard objects can easily break a window.

What happens if Mr. and Ms. Brains are not home? We recommend the urban buffet located on Main Street. The commercial structures found there may range from simple storefronts to towering skyscrapers to dingy factories, and all of them are brain magnets during a z-virus infestation. Storefronts may hold the promise of much-needed food and supplies, skyscrapers offer the protection of dozens of flights of stairs and up-to-code security systems, and large factories feature additional fencing and steel-plated doors.

You never know what is lurking behind those closed doors during a siege. Is it a brewery or a weapons factory? But the unknown shouldn’t be a repellent. Commercial structures often contain immense square footage and numerous entrances that are difficult to defend, making these locations just as vulnerable as a house—with a possible higher brain return.

Commercial buildings present their own unique opportunities for zombie infiltration.

1. Tap on the glass—breathers love that! Smash the lobby window using your body or another object. Or, depending on your pre-zombie life, the lanyard noosing your neck could have a keycard for this exact building!

2. Industrial sewer systems are more than wide enough to accommodate your spoiled body. Remove manhole covers or storm drains in the vicinity of the property and you may discover a subterranean entrance into the building. But beware: if you’re not careful you could become lost, only to reemerge from the sewers months later with an odor even fouler than when you went down.

3. For one out of every eight zombies, climbing a fire escape is possible (see “Ladder,” page 60). If you are so equipped, once you reach the roof, try to access a rooftop door, or just plunge through a skylight.

4. Air vents: the unsecured entrance. Locate a sizeable vent and tear it open. Enter, and eventually you’ll see the light at the end of the tin tunnel. You may find an even quicker entrance if the duct supports give way under your weight.

5. Windows in commercial buildings vary in many ways, including glass thickness. Most glass is eventually breakable; the windows of financial institutions are the exception.

6. Overrun the loading docks by crawling under the dock seals to gain access to the facility’s warehouse bay. The humans will not expect you to bypass these doors, so the degree of resistance should be scant.

7. If accidentally left ajar, fire exits = zombie entrances. If securely shut, however, they will be impossible to pry open. Fire regulations often require them to be constructed of materials such as wire mesh glass that give them the strength of security armor.

Now’s the time to focus beyond your immediate brain lust. In time, humans will attempt to combat the zed invasion by developing weapons with innovative antizombie capabilities. But to create these devices, they will need access to electrical power and possibly global communication devices like radios and cell phones. You and your horde will have a greater chance of survival if you disrupt that access.

For example, consider the benefit of attacking the local nuclear power plant. Once the staff is eaten, either a safety system will automatically shut down the plant or a meltdown will occur, resulting in widespread nuclear devastation. Either way, you will suspend the plant’s power output and disrupt human life far and wide, and perhaps attract more humans to the infected area to inspect the damage.

Other electronic utility structures are less fragile but no less vulnerable. Look for power lines, broadcast antennas, and cell phone towers, and disrupt their functionality by gnawing on any exposed wires. We know what you’re thinking: won’t this fry me? The quick answer is no. When the living are electrocuted, they experience all types of problems: nerve damage, slurred speech, memory loss, breathing irregularities, heart failure—all symptoms you already have! As long as your body hasn’t dried out enough to instantly catch fire, a strong electrical current should be harmless.

So if you come across any of these utility silhouettes shown below, feel free to wreak zombie havoc.

Obstacles You Will Face

While on the hunt, you will encounter a mess of odd gadgets specifically designed to hinder any zed. Many of the contraptions will lure you in with their lustrous shine, then enrage you with a high degree of puzzlement. Mastering these obstacles may mean the difference between warm mouthfuls of human BLT (brain, liver, tendon) and rodent leftovers from the city park. Review the following do-it-yourself diagrams.

Doorknobs vary in style and location, and are responsible for securing doors shut. When encountering a closed door, your first response will be to bang on it. Wooden doors can crack or splinter. Glass doors are known to shatter. But if physical abuse proves useless, try rotating the knob as indicated. (Result may vary.)

Not all zombies are created equally; only one in eight zeds is capable of scaling a ladder or similar structure. And the number of rungs can be an issue—coordination varies from zed to zed. But if you or someone in your horde can climb a ladder, by all means do! Fire escapes or maintenance ladders fixed to buildings are common, so look for these pathways to the brains.

By employing their arms and/or legs, most zeds are capable of climbing staircases. If this weren’t possible, newly reanimated zombies could never stand up in the first place. As you climb stairs, you may experience balance issues, resulting in nonfatal falls. Simply dust yourself off and continue the pursuit.

Your average zombie-busting human will have a difficult time destroying a wooden staircase, but he or she can certainly block one. Do your best to remove obstacles by tearing into rubble or swan diving over it.

Fences are a real kick in the rotten balls! Most are designed to restrict access. Scaling them can be tantalizing but is often beyond the average zed’s dexterity—it’s often easier to plow right through. You’ll find your greatest success with fences that are approximately your height or lower, and fences constructed out of wood. The chain-link variety, often used as a mobile barricade and topped with barbed wire, will be virtually impossible for you to pass over; just go around.

If a human climbs a tree to escape you, can you climb up after him? Unfortunately, you probably can’t. The good news is, you don’t even need to! If you’re patient, eventually you will starve the breather out of the limbs. Seriously, how many provisions can a human store in a tree? Or, with sufficient moaning, enough zeds may swarm the tree to cause a zombie pileup, forming a ramp that will get the top zombie in range of your victim.

Rope climbing is impossible for zombies, so unless you want to relive some high school gym class fantasy, don’t even try. But, again, what’s the rush? What goes up will have to come down. So unless another meal catches your rotten eye, just wait it out—your victim can’t hang on forever.

Terrain Types

While hunting, you will sometimes follow a human into an unfamiliar location. This may be an area of extreme cold, extreme warmth, or extreme moisture, any of which can have a serious impact on your bodily integrity. Before boldly going where no zed has gone before, review the dangers outlined below.

Remember the Beringia land bridge (see page 6)? Trying to walk in snow is the least of your worries.

The z-virus is very good at regulating your body’s temperature, keeping it steady at around 70° F, but this ability to thermoregulate decreases as temperatures fall. At very low temperatures, the z-virus in you will increase your cellular absorption and decomposition to keep your internal temperature at acceptable levels. Over a long period of time, your muscles will become less responsive and less elastic, leading to coordination problems and slowing down your bodily functions. Your speed may slow by as much as half, and with food more difficult to find and chase, you may decompose to immobility.

If you experience an extreme freeze, 15° F or below, your body will be vulnerable to frostbite (a type of decay), but your extremities should continue to function until they fall off. Don’t be alarmed unless your eyelids freeze shut. If you are that cold, eventually your body will completely stiffen up. A zombie body that has been frozen for longer than 48 hours will be use- less when thawed. Water in its cells will expand during freezing and destroy the body’s infrastructure, rendering it limp when warmed up.

Extreme heat (110° F or above) can also affect your body. In some parts of the globe, temperatures can reach an astounding 150° F. How does this affect you? As molecules heat up in a humid environment, they increase their movement, leading to cell breakdown. Depending on the humidity, your rate of decomposition can double as the temperature rises. As a result, your body will need to double its nutritional intake of human flesh (see “Human Buffet,” page 105). But if the temperature is high and the humidity low, decomposition will be halted. That is a good thing.

The lifeguard has been eaten!

As you’ve read, moisture and humidity will increase tissue breakdown. So what does swimming do? Zeds that spend too much time in water will experience rapid decomposition. Early signs of this included pruning up of the toxic skin. Stay dry! Avoid prolonged exposure to water, including rain. Also, don’t continually roam sewers or other subterranean domains, as these damp environments will also accelerate decomposition.

I See a Human—What Should I Do?

Now that you’ve learned the basics of hunting, you’re bound to come across your first human. Awesome—this is what being a zombie is all about!

So let out a moan to announce to the horde that dinner has been located. Within seconds, the mob will shift gears and zero in on your find.