The Complete Plays

“CHAOS-VILE IN ROME”¹

“Ka‚aр‰ak ‚ Pимe”

A Comic Oddity in Three Acts, Five Scenes, with a Prologue and Two Flops.

CHARACTERS

COUNT FALCONI,² a very fat man

COUNTESS, his nervous wife

LUNA, a planet pleasant in every respect³

ARTHUR,⁴ an artist-ventriloquist, who drinks with his belly

HESSE, an artist. You are requested not to confuse him with the match manufacturer and matchbox satirist Hesse⁵

THE ORPHAN GIRL, in red stockings. Innocent and virtuous, but not so much as to prevent her from adopting masculine garb

LENTOVSKY, with a pair of scissors. Disappointed.

THE BOX OFFICE, an old maid

SOLID PROFITS

her children

SLIM PROFITS

Drummers, fakirs, nuns, frogs, a papier-måché bull, a superfluous artist, thousands of hopes, wicked fairies, and so on.

PROLOGUE

It begins with an apotheosis from designs by Shekhtel:⁶ THE BOX OFFICE, pale, emaciated, holds in her arms her starving son SLIM PROFITS, and with a prayer stares at the audience. LENTOVSKY pulls out a dagger, trying to kill SLIM PROFITS, but cannot succeed, for the dagger is blunt. Picture. Bengal lights, groans . . . A vampire flies across the stage.

LENTOVSKY. I’ll kill you, oh detested babe! Ivan, bring me another knife! (IVAN, who looks like Andrdssy,⁷ brings him a knife, but this time a WICKED FAIRY descends.)

WICKED FAIRY (whispers to Lentovsky). Put on “Chaos-Vile in Rome” and it’s in the bag: Slim Profits will perish.

LENTOVSKY (slaps himself on the forehead). Why didn’t I think of it sooner! Grigory Aleksandrovich, put on “Chaos-Vile in Rome!” (ARBENIN’s⁸ voice is heard: “Splendid!”) With a prrrocession, damn it! (Falls asleep in sweet hopes.)

ACT ONE

ORPHAN GIRL (sits on a tiny rock). I am in love with Arthur . . . I can tell you nothing more. I myself am small, my voice is a small one, my role is a small one, but if I speak at great length, on the other hand you have ears and patience. Nothing’s happened to little me, but just you wait, Tamarin⁹ is going to treat you to such a long, wordy bit! Don’t scowl like that again! (Turns sour.)

LUNA. Hmm! (Yawns and frowns.)

RAPHAELI-TAMARIN (enters). I now shall tell you . . . The matter, you see, is this . . . (Takes a deep breath and begins a long monologue. Twice he sits down, five times he drips sweat, but finally he gets hoarse and, feeling ante-humous death throes in his throat, looks imploringly at Lentovsky.)

LENTOVSKY (taking the scissors). Already we’ve got to make cuts.

LUNA (frowning). Should we scram? Judging by the first act, nothing but misery will come of this operetta.

RAPHAELI (buys a picture of Arthur from the Orphan Girl for a thousand rubles). We’ll pass it off as my picture.

FALCONI (enters with the Countess). I’m not needed in the first act, neither is my lady-wife, but nevertheless, by the will of the author allow us to show ourselves . . . My lady is a treacherous sort. Please love and pity us . . . If it’s not funny, forgive us.

COUNTESS (betrays her husband). Woe to the wife of a jealous husband! (Betrays her husband.)

HESSE. I’m not needed on stage, but meanwhile I stand here . . . What do I do with my arms?

Not knowing where to put his arms, he walks.

ORPHAN GIRL (having taken money from Raphaeli, goes to Rome to Arthur, with whom she is in love. For some unknown reason she disguises herself in male garb. Everyone follows her to Rome.)

LUNA. How deadly boring . . . Should I go into eclipse? (An eclipse of the moon begins.)

ACTS TWO AND THREE

COUNTESS (betrays her husband). Arthur sweetie-pie . . . .

ORPHAN GIRL. I shall visit Arthur as a pupil. (Visits and grows sour. She is presented with a wreath as a honorable degree.)

ARTHUR. I am in love with the countess, but I don’t need that kind of love. I want to love quietly, platonically . . .

COUNTESS (betrays her husband). What a pretty little fellow (catches sight of the Orphan Girl). I’ll give him a kiss! (Betrays her husband and Arthur.)

ARTHUR. I am outraged!

ORPHAN GIRL (changes her clothes for women’s garb). I am a woman! (Exits following Arthur, who has suddenly fallen in love with her.)

AUDIENCE. Is that all? Hm . . .

OPERETTA (vanishing). How many various varieties have vanished on this very spot!

LENTOVSKY (grabbing the vanishing Operetta by the scruff of her neck). Oh no, stop! (Begins to cut her up with his scissors.)¹⁰ Stop, my dear girl . . . We’ll just trim you down a bit . . . (Finished with his cutting, he stares hard at her.) Only ruined her, damn it.

OPERETTA. What will be, shall be. (Vanishes.)

EPILOGUE

Apotheosis. LENTOVSKY on his knees. A GOOD FAIRY, defending THE BOX OFFICE with her baby, stands before him in the pose of an advocate . . . The prospect reveals new operettas and HEAVY PROFITS.

NOTES

1 Published in The Alarm-clock (Budilnik) 38 (October 1884), p. 457. A parody of Carnival in Rome, a comic opera in three acts with music by Johann Strauss, words by J. Braun, translation by A. M. de-Ribas, produced at Lentovsky’s Theatre, Moscow, September 22, 1884.

2 Played by the actor Bogdanov.

3 A phrase from Gogol’s Dead Souls, where a lady of society is described as “pleasant in every respect.”

4 Played by Leonov.

5 A. Hesse owned a match factory in Ruza and printed jokes on his matchboxes.

6 See Unclean Tragedians and Leprous Playwrights, note 9.

7 Count D. Andrássy (1823–1890), Hungarian statesman and Austro-Hungarian minister of foreign affairs (1871–1879).

8 Grigory Aleksandrovich Arbenin, the stage manager of the theater, was responsible for most of the translations of plays in its repertory.

9 The actor Tamarin played the role of the pseudo-artist Raphaeli.

10 By the fourth performance, Lentovsky had already made cuts in the performance.