The Complete Plays

BEFORE THE ECLIPSE¹

Пepe‰ зaтмeниeм

(Excerpt from a Fairy Musical)

The SUN and the MOON are beyond the horizon, drinking tea.

SUN (pensively). M-yes, my dear fellow . . . Please accept twenty-five rubles, but more I cannot manage.

MOON. Believe me, in all conscience, your radiance, it’s worth much more to you. Please bear in mind: the honorable astronomers are desirous that the eclipse begin in the Kingdom of Poland at 5 o’clock in the morning and end in Upper Udinsk at 12, consequently I have to take part in the ceremony at seven, sir . . . If you offer me five smackers an hour, it’ll be cheap at the price, sir. (Snatches the train on a scudding cloud and blows his nose in it.) Please don’t be stingy, your radiance. I’ll set you up such obscurity that even the lawyers will get jealous. You’ll get complete satisfaction, sir . . .

SUN (after a pause). It’s funny that you should be haggling . . . You forget that I invited you to take part in a ceremony which has a universal character, so that this eclipse could win you popularity . . .

MOON (with a sigh and bitterly). We know what that sort of popularity means, your radiance! “The moon hid behind the clouds” and that’s all. Nothing but defamation of character . . . (Drinks.) Or else: “On the spire of the steeple shone the midnight moon.” And again: “The moon swims through the dark night skies . . .”² Never in my life have I swum, your radiance, why such an insult?

SUN. M-yes, actually the press’s treatment of you is, to say the least, peculiar . . . But be patient, my friend . . . The time will come, and history will appreciate you . . .

On earth the sewage-disposal carts rumble on by; both planets clutch tight to the clouds and hold their noses.

MOON. Don’t take a breath . . . The way they do things on earth, what can you say! A worthless planet! (Drinks.) And I’ll never forget so long as I live how Mister Pushkin cursed me. “That stupid moon in that stupid sky above the horizon . . .”³

SUN. Of course, it’s offensive, but all the same, pal, it’s publicity! I think Johann Hoff⁴ would have paid a bundle to have Pushkin single him out for abuse . . . Publicity is a great thing. Just you wait till there’s an eclipse and they’ll start talking about you.

MOON. No, ahtenday⁵ a bit, your radiance! If anyone gets famous from this eclipse, it’ll be you and you alone. They don’t know that you can’t do without me any more than without arms . . . Who else would you hide behind if not me? If you were to hire a lawyer, you’d have to pay through the nose—two thousand, at least. Whereas, have it your own way, I don’t ask more than thirty.

SUN (pensively). Well, all right, only see that you don’t ask for a tip later on. Have a drink! (Pours.) I hope that you will put some effort into it . . .

MOON. Don’t you worry . . . The eclipse will be first rate, in all conscience, sir . . . From the very creation of world I’ve been producing moonlight and never had any complaints . . . Everything will be honest and aboveboard. May I please have an advance . . .

SUN (giving him an advance). I hear the water wagons starting out . . . It’s time for me to rise . . . Well, I think I’ll schedule the eclipse for August 7, in the morning . . . That’s plenty of time for you to be ready . . . You’ll conceal me so that the eclipse will be the fullest possible . . .

MOON. And on what area would you like the shadow to fall?

SUN (pensively). It would be nice to swan around Western Europe, but they hardly appreciate our efforts there . . . The local diplomats consider themselves specialists when it comes to keeping things dark, and therefore it’s hard to surprise them . . . Consequently, there’s always Russia . . . Even the astronomers want it that way. Well, sir, drop the shadow over Moscow, but do it cleverly. Try hard to make sure the eclipse delivers a message. Obscure only the northern part of Moscow, and leave the southern one alone . . . Let Zamoskvorechye, which lies in the southern part, see the way we ignore it . . . The kingdom of darkness!⁶

MOON. Very good, your radiance.

SUN. And besides the merchants don’t understand eclipses . . . Many of them have come back from Nizhny⁷ and still haven’t slept off their binges, and their wives are imagining devil knows what . . . Well, sir, we shall lightly touch Klin, Zavidy, in general the places where astronomers gather, then to Kazan and so forth. I’m still thinking about it . . . (Pause.)

MOON. Your radiance, tell me, in all conscience, why the deuce did you dream up this eclipse?

SUN. Well, you see . . . but I hope this will remain between us . . . I invented the eclipse in order to revive my popularity . . . Of late I’ve noticed a certain indifference in the public . . . For some reason they haven’t been talking much about either of us and haven’t paid attention to my light. I’ve even heard that the sun has grown old, that it’s absurd, that it would be easy to get on without it . . . Many have even foresworn me in print . . . I think that the eclipse will compel everybody to talk about me. That’s one thing. Secondly, humanity is bored to death and fed up to the eyebrows . . . It wants a diversion . . . You know, when a merchant’s wife gets fed up with jam and apricot leather, she starts to gorge on oatmeal; so, when humanity is fed up with daylight, it needs to treat itself to an eclipse . . . However, it’s time for me to rise . . . The lads of Hunter’s Row⁸ are already heading for the market. Good-bye.

MOON. Just one more word, your radiance . . . (Timidly.) While the eclipse is on, you should abstain from this sort of thing . . . (Points to the beer bottle.) It’ll barely be one o’clock and you’ll be half seas over, and things are likely to get awkward.

SUN. Yes, I will have to abstain . . .(After a moment’s consideration.) However, if anything goes wrong, I won’t drink in moderation, but . . . we’ll cover the sky with clouds, and no one will see us . . . Anyway, good-bye, it’s time to go . . . (He rises—alas! — covered by clouds and mist.)

MOON. Grievous are our sins! (Lies down and covers himself with a cloud; in a minute we can hear snoring.)

A. Ch.

NOTES

1 First published in The Alarm Clock (Budilnik) 31 (August 9, 1887), pp. 3–4.

2 The first quotation is from a gypsy ballad; the second is from a popular folksong based on the poem “The Prisoner” by F. N. Glinka; the third is from the “Tiger Cub Waltz,” with words and music by M. Shilovsky.

3 A quotation from Pushkin’s poetical novel Yevgeny Onegin, chapter 3, verse v.

4 Hoff was court purveyor of extractive essences (beer, candy, chocolate). He advertised widely.

5 Bad French, wait.

6 Zamoskvorechye (literally, “across the river”) was the district in Moscow where the merchants lived. Their portrayal by the dramatist Ostrovsky as backward petty despots led the critic Dobrolyu - bov to refer to that world as “the kingdom of darkness.”

7 Nizhny Novgorod, site of an important annual fair.

8 Okhotny ryad, a major shopping street in Moscow.