The Complete Plays

THE EVILS OF TOBACCO, FIRST VERSION

Originally, Chekhov intended this as a monologue for the talented though alcoholic comedian Gradov-Sokolov, but he believed that, by dashing it off in two and a half hours in February 1886, he had spoiled it. “I consigned it to the devil, and to the Petersburg gazette,” where it appeared, signed “A. Chekhonte.” He made some revisions when the piece was republished in his collection Motley Tales later that year, raising the emotional tone, with a reader, rather than a spectator, in mind. One of his literary friends, A. S. Laza-rev (Gruzinsky) considered it inferior to the other stories in the collection and twitted Chekhov for including it. Chekhov defended it, but the criticism may have stuck, for he returned to the monologue throughout the rest of his career, emending it until it reached the shape in which it is ordinarily reprinted today.

The mockery in the early versions is directed at amateur lecturers on science who seek to edify the common man. These educational efforts had become popular in the 1880s, when, owing to governmental repression, political action to improve society was made virtually impossible. Here the speaker, bearing the caricatural name of Markel Nyukhin, whose English equivalent might be Marcellus Snuffle, reveals not only his incompetence but the taw-driness of his family life. The Latin jargon and pompous gestures serve only to act as a cover-up for an existence as impoverished spiritually as it is materially. At this point, Chekhov seems unsympathetic to the butt of his jokes, but over time he would develop a more nuanced attitude to Nyukhin.

THE EVILS OF TOBACCO

O ‚рe‰e тa·aka

Scene-monologue

CAST

MARKEL IVANYCH NYUKHIN,¹ the husband of his wife, who runs a music school and a girls’ boarding school

The stage represents the speaker’s platform of a provincial club.

NYUKHIN (enters pompously, bows, adjusts his waistcoat, and begins ceremoniously). Ahem, ahem . . . gracious ladies and gentlemen! Someone suggested to my wife that on behalf of charity I should deliver a lecture on a popular topic. True scholarship is modest and not fond of making public appearances, but in view of the worthy cause my wife agreed — and here I am before you. I’m no professor and a stranger to academic degrees, but it’s no secret to any of you that I . . . that I . . . (hems and haws and quickly glances at a scrap of paper he pulls out of his waistcoat pocket) . . . that I, for a good thirty years now, unceasingly, at the cost of my own health and the good things in life, have been working on questions of a scientific bent and have even published occasional scientific articles in a local organ of the press . . . Just the other week, they published my article on “The Evils of Domestic Animals,”² under the pseudonym “Faust.” For the subject of my lecture today I have chosen the evils visited on humanity by the use of tobacco. Of course, it’s difficult in one mere lecture to exhaust the full importance of the subject, but I shall try to be concise and confine myself to the major points . . . First of all I hasten to express my reservations. In most cases, popularization is an evil in itself . . . It inspires in society a sense of superior knowledge, an attempt at the cheap application of learning and indifference to serious, strictly scientific work . . . I am a foe of popularization and in this regard I part company with a great many famous scientists, as, for instance, Vogt and (glances at his paper) Moleshott.³ Only last year, I sent to the famous scientific colleagues I have named a letter in which I set forth my views on popularization, but got no answer from them, probably because I had taken the precaution of sending my letters by ordinary post and not special delivery . . . As a foe of popularization, I shall be strictly scientific, I suggest that you, my listeners, prepare to be deeply sensible of the full importance of the subject and attend to my current lecture with due seriousness . . . The frivolous person, the person who’s put off by the dryness of a strictly scientific lecture doesn’t have to listen and can leave! . . . (Makes a pompous gesture and adjusts his waistcoat.) And now I shall begin . . . As I begin my lecture I ought to preface my remarks with an historical sketch of the first discovery of tobacco and the association of ideas which led humanity to poison itself with this exotic toxin, but given the shortness of time, I have to begin with the most essential thing . . . Please pay attention . . . I especially solicit the attention of the medical professionals assembled here, who can glean a good deal of useful information from my lecture, because tobacco, besides its deleterious effects, can be also used as medicine. So, on February 10th, 1871, it was prescribed to my wife as a kind of enema. (Glances at his paper.) Tobacco is an organic substance. It is extracted from the plant Nicotiana Tabacum, a member of the Solaneae family. It grows in America. Its chief component is comprised of the horrible, destructive toxin nicotine, which, in my opinion, is none other than a nitrous volatile alkaloid ammonia, in which every particle of hydrogen is replaced by a three-atom radical, known to science by the name of nicotillene . . . Chemically it consists of ten atoms of carbon, fourteen atoms of hydrogen and . . . two . . . atoms . . . of nitrogen . . . (Gasps and clutches at his chest, while dropping the scrap of paper.) Air! (to keep from falling and maintain his balance, he plies his arms and legs.) Ugh! Let me catch my breath . . . Hold on . . . Just a minute . . . . I’ll overcome this attack by sheer willpower . . . (Beats his chest with his fist.) Enough! Oof! (A momentary pause, during which Nyukhin walks back and forth along the stage and catches his breath.) For quite some time now . . . I’ve been suffering from attacks of asphyxia . . . asthma . . . My first seizure began on August 13th 1869, . . . the very day when my wife gave birth to my sixth daughter, Veronika . . . My wife has exactly ten daughters in all . . . of sons nary a one, which delights my wife because sons in a girls’ boarding school would be unseemly from a number of angles . . . In the whole boarding school there’s only one man and that’s me . . . But the highly respectable, well-thought-of families, who have confided the fate of their children to my wife, can put their minds at ease where I am concerned . . . Thanks to my wife’s discretion the young ladies regard me not so much as a member of an opposite sex, but as a dressmaker’s dummy, suitable for use in instruction in that type of highest civic order, which is denominated a family . . . However . . . considering the shortness of time, we will not digress from the subject of the lecture . . . Now, where had I stopped? Oof! The asthma attack interrupted me at the most interesting point. Still, no cloud but has a silver lining. For me and for you, particularly for those medical professionals gathered here, this attack may serve as the most splendid of lessons. In nature there are no effects without causes . . . Let us seek out the causes of my latest seizure . . . (Applies a finger to his forehead and thinks. ) Got it! The unique remedy for asthma is to refrain from stimulating and heavy food, but, before coming here for the lecture, I over-indulged myself. I have to mention that today at my wife’s boarding school we had pancakes. Instead of a dinner of roast meat, every pupil was served two pancakes apiece. I am my wife’s husband, and therefore I do not think it my place to praise that noble individual, but I swear to you that nowhere do they serve such sensible, hygienic, and efficacious meals as at my wife’s boarding school. I can personally testify to this, because at my wife’s boarding school I have the honor to be in charge of the housekeeping department. I buy the provisions, supervise the servants, every night turn over the accounts to my wife, stitch the composition books, concoct insecticides, purify the air by means of an atomizer, count the linen, make sure that one toothbrush is not used by more than five pupils, and that no more than ten girls dry themselves on a single towel. Today it fell to my duties to dole out flour and butter to the cook in such quantity as strictly corresponded with the number of pupils. I had to be present in the kitchen the whole time and keep watch. It’s impossible to trust the servants. Many’s the time, thanks to the sloppiness and carelessness of cooks and washerwomen, I have failed to earn my wife’s trust! I left the kitchen without permission, the servant-girl took advantage of this and as a result I aroused my benefactress’s legitimate wrath. True, I bore my punishment wih due humility, but the loss, incurred by my inattentiveness, could in no way be recompensed. And so, today they made pancakes. I ought to mention that the pancakes were intended only for the pupils. For the members of my wife’s family they were preparing a roast, for which purpose a shank of veal had been kept in the cellar since Friday of the previous week. My wife and I came to the conclusion that if we did not roast that shank today, it would go bad by tomorrow. But to proceed. When the pancakes had been cooked and counted out, my wife came into the kitchen to say that five of the pupils were being punished for misconduct and were therefore deprived of pancakes. What are we supposed to do with them? Serve them to our daughters? But my wife forbids our daughters to eat doughy foods . . . (Sighs and shakes his head.) Oh loving heart! Angel of kindness! She decided that I should eat five of the ten pancakes.⁴ I ate them, after drinking a preliminary shot of vodka. Now the cause of my seizure is revealed. Da ist Hund begraben!⁵ And yet . . . (Looks at his watch.) I have strayed a bit from my subject. Let us proceed . . . And so, nicotine chemically consists of . . . of . . . (Nervously fumbles in his pocket and looks around for his scrap of paper.) I suggest that you memorize this formula . . . A chemical formula is a guiding light . . . (When he sees the paper, he drops a handkerchief over it.) When it comes to formulas, I am pedantic and implacable. The pupil has to have the formula memorized as firmly as her own name. (Picks up the paper along with the handkerchief.) I forgot to tell you that at my wife’s boarding school, besides doing the housekeeping, I’m also charged with teaching mathematics, physics, chemistry, geography, history, and object lessons. In addition to these studies, my wife’s boarding school offers the French, German, and English languages, literature, Holy Scripture, needlework, music, dancing, and etiquette. A curriculum, please note, much broader than that of any high school. The meals and amenities are ideal! And all this at the lowest of prices! Full-course pupils pay three hundred rubles, half-course pupils two hundred, day pupils a hundred. For dancing, music and drawing there are separate terms, arranged with my wife . . . A wonderful boarding school! It is located on the corner of Bread-loaf Street and Five Dog Lane, in the house of the widow of Staff Captain Mamashyochkina.⁶ To discuss terms my wife can be at home at any time, and the school’s curriculum can be purchased from the doorman for 50 kopeks a copy. (Glances at his paper.) And so, I urge you to memorize the formula! Nicotine is chemically composed of ten atoms of carbon, fourteen atoms of hydrogen, and two of nitrogen. It resembles a colorless liquid with an ammoniac odor. (Pulls a snuffbox out of his pocket and takes a pinch.) It is a component of tobacco along with tobaccic and nicotinic acids, which have a distinctly perceptible odor of camphor. (Sneezes.) Setting aside nicotillene and (sneezes) nicotianin, let us turn our attention to nicotine. (Scratches his nose.) That’s funny? For us, personally speaking, what is important is the spontaneous action of nicotine (looks in his snuffbox) on the nervous system and the muscles of the digestive tract. Oh, Lord! They’ve put something in it again! (Sneezes.) Well, what am I going to do with these nasty, lowdown little brats? Yesterday they put face powder in my snuffbox, and today something acrid, stinking. (Sneezes and scratches his nose.) It really is vile, foul! Please forgive me, but this powder is raising merry hell in my nose! Brrr! . . . Nasty, vicious monsters! You may deduce from such behavior flaws in the strict discipline at my wife’s boarding school! No, gracious ladies and gentlemen, the school is not to blame! You are to blame! Society is to blame! The family must be hand in glove with my wife’s school, but instead it only demoralizes the child. (Sneezes.) My wife’s family has been hand in glove with my wife’s school and, believe me, not one of my wife’s daughters would indulge in such behavior towards a senior instructor . . . But let’s forget about this! (Sneezes.) Let’s forget it . . . Nicotine puts the stomach and the kidneys into a condition of tetanus! (Pause.) However, I notice smiles on several faces. Obviously, not all my listeners have sufficiently and fully appreciated the high seriousness of the subject which concerns us. There are even some who find it possible to laugh, when truths, consecrated by exact science, are uttered to them from the podium! . . . (Sighs.) I impute this laughter to a defective education . . . One must not laugh at what is great, beautiful, sacred . . . Woe to the man who laughs! My wife’s daughters never laugh. They are well educated, and I can die happy.⁷ (Sneezes.) My wife has nine daughters. The eldest of them, Anna, is twenty-seven, the youngest is seventeen. Everything in nature that is beautiful, pure, sublime . . . great . . . deeply moral is brought together in those nine young, innocent creatures. So far not a single one of them is married, but, just by looking at them, one could guarantee that they would make the most splendid wives.⁸ (Sighs.) However, how difficult it is nowadays to get married!⁹ (Shakes his head.) Ah, young people! young people! With your obstinacy, your material propensities you deprive yourself of one of the supreme pleasures, the pleasure of family life! . . . If you only knew how lovely that life is! I have lived with my wife for thirty-three years, and I can say they were the best years of my life. They have flown by like one happy moment. (Weeps.) How often have I grieved her with my failings! Poor woman! I may have taken my punishment humbly, but how badly I incurred her wrath! (Pause.) And I do not understand why my wife’s daughters are taking so long in getting married! Probably because no men ever get to see them.¹⁰ But you young men should take a look. Who knows? Maybe, one of the nine will be to your liking. Of course my wife can’t throw parties, but . . . I can confide to you a secret (comes down to the footlights), my daughters can be seen on major holidays at their auntie’s, Natalya Semyonovna.¹¹ There’ll be refreshments.¹² But owing to shortness of time we shall not stray from the subject. We had stopped at tetanus. However (looks at his watch) until the next time! (Exits.)

NOTES

1 A joke name, from nyukhat, to take snuff, to sniffle. Markel is the Russian form of Marcellus.

2 When Chekhov republished this in his collection Motley Tales, he changed the title of the lecture to “The Evils of Teaism and Coffeeism on the Organism.”

3 Paul Friedrich Immanuel Vogt (1844–1885), German chemist, and Jacob Moleshott (1822– 1893), Dutch medical writer, authorities whom Chekhov would have studied as a young medical student.

4 In Motley Tales, this is replaced by “She said, ‘Eat the pancakes yourself, Markesha!’”

5 Bad German for “That’s where the dog is buried” or “That’s the root of the matter.”

6 A joke name suggesting “mommy’s cheek.”

7 In Motley Tales this is replaced by “Of course, I dare not offer you reproof, but . . . I always say to my wife’s daughters, ‘Children, do not laugh at that which transcends laughter!’”

8 In Motley Tales this is replaced by “Forgive me for this agitation and this quaver in my voice; you see before you the happiest of fathers!”

9 In Motley Tales this is followed by “Awfully difficult! It’s easier to borrow money on a third mortgage than to find a husband for even one of your daughters!”

10 In Motley Tales this is replaced by “My wife’s daughters are taking so long getting married because they’re shy and because no men ever get to see them.”

11 In Motley Tales this is followed by “Zavertyukhina, the one who suffers from rheumatism and collects old coins.” (A joke name meaning “all wrapped up.”)

12 Motley Tales this is followed by “And when my wife isn’t around, you might get a bit of . . .”