The Killer Cat Runs Away

11

‘Come Home So I Can Strangle You.’

I took a nap in next door’s garage. (OK, OK! So twist my tail! I left a dent in the fancy new hat some man was hiding in there till his wife’s birthday. But anybody napping in there would have used it as a little bed. That hat was comfy. It wasn’t my fault that the ribbon round the brim got tangled and torn. All I was trying to do was brush off the cat hairs that I shed on it while I was having my snooze.)

I woke up starving. Back at my old house, when I was hungry I simply parked myself on my big furry bottom somewhere really inconvenient and stared at Ellie’s mum till she remembered to feed me.

Sadly, that does not work with strangers who are hurrying by. I had to keep stepping in their path and wrapping myself round their ankles (the way I used to do with Ellie when I was getting bored).

But strangers are so clumsy. I got tripped over and stumbled into several times. And snarled at quite a lot. Some people were quite rude. In the end I gave up and went to check what had been thrown out by the nearest pizza place. (Don’t you adore pepperoni?)

Just as I came round the corner, who should I see stamping past in a tantrum but Mr I’ve-Been-Sent-Out-To-Look-For-Our-Cat.

I didn’t fancy being carried back by him, so I slunk out of sight.

‘Puss, puss!’ I heard him calling to the wind. ‘Tuff! Tuff-eee! Where are you? Come home so I can strangle you! Come home so I can boil you in oil! Tuff-eee! Do you know what’s on telly at this very moment? Yes! The Best-Ever Penalty Shoot-out Show! And am I sitting watching it? No, I am not! Partly because the television is ruined. And partly because I’ve been sent out to find you! So come home, Tuffy! Puss, puss, puss! Come home so I can spoil your life the same way that you spoil mine!’

I ask a simple question. If you heard that, would you be stupid enough to pad out from the shadows and show yourself?

No, you would not.

I wouldn’t, either. All thoughts of going home had vanished once again, so I turned round and slunk off fast the other way.