The Undiscovered Chekhov

FROM

THE

DIARY

OF AN

ASSISTANT

BOOKKEEPER

MAY 1 lTH, 1863 Glotkin, our sixty- year-old bookkeeper, has been drinking milk laced with cognac for his cough, and as a result he has fallen into a violent alcoholic delirium. The doctors, with their typical self-confidence, confirm that he will die tomorrow. At last I will be bookkeeper! I have been promised this position for a long time now.

Kleshchev is to be tried for physically attacking an appli-cant who called him a bureaucrat. It seems that there will be a court case.

I had some fluid extracted from my stomach catarrh.

AUGUST 3RD, 1865

Glotkin, our bookkeeper, has a cold in his chest again. He is coughing and has started drinking milk laced with cognac. If he dies I will get his position. My hopes are high, but somewhat shaky—experience has shown that delirium tremens is not always fatal.

Kleshchev snatched a promissory note from an Armenian and tore it up. It seems that there will be a court case.

An old village woman (Guryevna) told me yesterday that what I have is not a catarrh, but a hidden hemorrhoid. It’s quite possible!

JUNE 30TH, 1867

The newspapers write that there’s a cholera epidemic in Arabia. Maybe it will come to Russia, and there will be many job openings. Maybe the old bookkeeper will die and I will get his position. What vigor that man has! If you ask me, living such a long time is reprehensible.

I wonder what I should take for that catarrh of mine. Maybe some wormseed might do the trick.

JANUARY 2ND, 1870

A dog was howling all night long in Glotkin’s yard. Pelageya, my cook, says that this is a definite omen, and we stayed up until two in the morning talking about how once I become bookkeeper I will buy myself a raccoon coat and a dressing gown. And maybe I will even get married! Obviously not to a young girl—I’m a bit too old for that—but to a widow.

Yesterday Kleshchev was thrown out of the club for telling a joke, at the top of his voice, mocking the patriotism of one of the members of Ponyukhov’s trade delegation. From what I hear, Ponyukhov is taking him to court.

I think I’ll go to Doctor Botkin for my catarrh. They say he’s good at healing....

JULY 4TH, 1878

The newspapers report that the plague has hit Vetlyanka. People are dropping like flies. As a precaution, Glotkin is drinking pepper vodka. As if pepper vodka would save an old fool like him! If the plague hits here, I’ll definitely be the new bookkeeper!

JUNE 4TH, 1883

Glotkin is dying. I went to visit him, and crying bitter tears, I begged forgiveness for having waited for his death with such impatience. He forgave me magnanimously, and suggested I drink acorn coffee for my catarrh.

Kleshchev again almost ended up in court: he rented a piano and then pawned it to the Jews. And in spite of all this he has a Stanislav medal and the rank of Collegiate Assessor. It’s amazing, the things that happen in this world!

Essence of Inbir—ten grams. Kalgan potion—seven grams. Ostraya vodka—four grams. Seven-brother-blood— twenty grams. To cure catarrh, mix these with a liter of vodka and drink one wineglass of the mixture on an empty stomach.

JUNE 7TH, 1883

Glotkin was buried yesterday. Alas! The old mans death was of no use to me! I see him in my dreams at night, wrapped in a shroud, beckoning. And woe unto me, the sinner—I did not become the bookkeeper, Chalikov did! It was not I who got the job, but a young man with the help of the general’s wife’s aunt! My hopes are dashed!

JUNE 10TH, 1886

Chalikov’s wife has run away. The poor man is distraught. Maybe grief will drive him to take his own life. If he does, I will be bookkeeper! There has already been talk. In other words, where there’s life there’s hope, and maybe the road to the raccoon coat will be short and sweet. As for getting married, it’s not such a bad idea. Why not get married if the opportunity should arise? But I’ll need some good advice—marriage is a serious step.

Kleshchev took Councillor Lirmanso’s galoshes. It’s a scandal!

Paysi the doorman suggested I use a mercuric chloride solution for my catarrh.

I’m going to try it.