The Undiscovered Chekhov

A FOOL; OR,

THE RETIRED

SEA CAPTAIN:

A SCENE

UNWRITTEN

VAUDEVILLE

PLAY

IT IS THE MARRIAGE season. Soufov is a retired sea captain. He is sitting on an oilskin sofa, with one leg resting over the other, his arms crossed. As he speaks he rocks back and forth. Lukinishna the matchmaker is a fat, sagging old woman sitting on a stool next to him. She has a foolish but good-natured face, with an expression of horror mixed with surprise. Seen from the side, she looks like a large snail; from the front, like a black beetle. She speaks servilely, and hiccups after every word.

CAPTAIN: By the way, if you think about it, Ivan Nikolayevitch has set himself up quite nicely. He did well to get married. You can be a professor, a genius even, but if you’re not married, you’re not worth a brass kopeck! You’ve no census or public opinion worth mentioning. If you’re not married, you don’t carry any weight in society. Take me, for instance. I am a man from an educated background, a house owner, I have money, rank—even a medal! But what’s the point? Who am I if you look at me from a point of view?—An old bachelor—a mere synonym, nothing more. (He pauses to think.) Everyone’s married, everyone has children, except me—it’s like in the song.... (He sings a few doleful lines in a deep baritone.) That’s how my life is—surely there must be some woman left on the shelf for me to get married to!

LUKINISHNA: On the shelf? Lordy-lord, I’m sure we can do better than that! What with your noble nature, and... well, all your good qualities, and everything, we’ll find you a woman—even one with money!

CAPTAIN: I don’t need a woman with money. I wouldn’t dream of doing such a despicable thing as marrying for money! I have my own money—I don’t want to be eating from her plate, I want her to eat from mine! When you marry a poor woman, she’s bound to feel and understand. I’m not that much of an egoist that I want to profit...

LUKINISHNA: Well, yes... and one thing’s sure—a poor bride might well be prettier than a rich one...

CAPTAIN: But I’m not interested in looks either! What for? You can’t use a pretty face as a cup and saucer! Beauty should not be in the flesh, it should be in the soul. What I need is goodness, meekness, you know, innocence... I want a wife who’ll honor me, respect me...

LUKINISHNA: Yes! How can she not respect you if you’re her lawfully wedded husband? It’s not like she’d be uneducated or something!

CAPTAIN: Don’t interrupt me! And I don’t need an educated wife either! Nowadays, obviously, everyone’s got an education, but there are different kinds of education. It’s all well and good if your wife can prattle in French and German and God knows what else—it’s very charming! But what use is all that if she can’t, for instance, sew a simple button onto a shirt? I come from an educated background myself. I can show my face in any circle—I can sit down and chat with Prince Kanitelin as easily as I’m chatting with you right now, but I’m a simple man, and I need a simple girl. I’m not looking for intellect. In a man, intellect is important, but a female can get by quite nicely without much intellect.

LUKINISHNA: That’s so very true! Even the newspapers are now saying that clever people are worthless!

CAPTAIN:A fool will both love you and respect you, and realize what my rank in life is. She will be fearful. A clever woman will eat your bread, but not feel whose bread she’s eating. I want you to find me a fool! It’s as simple as that! A fool! Do you have your eye on anyone?

LUKINISHNA: Oh, quite a few! (She thinks.) Let me see.... There are fools and there are fools... after all, even a foolish hen has her brainstorms! But you want a real idiot, right? (She thinks.) I know one, but I’m not sure if she’s what you’re looking for... she’s from a merchant family and comes with a dowry of about five thousand... I wouldn’t say she’s downright ugly, she’s, well, you know... neither here nor there. She’s skinny, very thin... gende, delicate... and she’s kind, beyond the call of duty! She’d hand over her last piece of bread if you told her to! And she’s meek—her mother could drag her through the house by the hair, and she wouldn’t even squeak! And she fears her parents, she goes to church, and at home she’s always ready to help! But when it comes to this... (She points to her forehead.) Do not judge me too harshly, sinful old woman that I am, for my plainspokenness, for the forthright truth that I speak to you with the Lord as my witness: she’s not all there up here! A complete fool! You can’t get a word out of her, not a word, as if she were dead as a doornail. She’ll sit there tight-lipped for hours, and suddenly, out of the blue—she’ll jump up! As if you’d poured boiling water over her! She jumps up as if she were scalded and starts babbling... babbling, babbling... babbling endlessly... that her parents are fools, the food’s awful, and all they do is lie, and that she has nowhere to go, that they ruined her life... “There’s no way,” the girl shouts, “that you can understand me!” The fool! A merchant called Kashalotov was wooing her—she turned him down! She laughed in his face! And he’s rich, handsome, elegant, just like a young officer! And what does she do? She snatches up a stupid book, marches off to the pantry, and starts reading!

CAPTAIN: NOshe’s not a fool of the right category... find me another! (He gets up and looks at his watch.) Well, bonjour for now. I’ll be getting back to my bachelor business.

LUKINISHNA: Well, go right along! Go with God! (She gets up.) I’ll drop by again Saturday evening with more about our bride.... (She walks over to the door.) And by the way, while you’re getting back to your bachelor business, should I send you someone else for now?