Boy Meets Girl

New York Journal

Human Resources Division Staff Meeting

Agenda:

Oh my God, could this be more boring? I can’t believe the T.O.D. dragged me from an e-mail from Mitch for this.

—K

Review of Unlawful Harassment Policy

The Company is committed to providing a work environment free of unlawful harassment.

So. Mitch, is it now? You like him!

—J

Company policy prohibits harassment because of sex (which includes sexual harassment, gender harassment, and harassment due to pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions)—

Shut up.

You do. Admit it.

—and harassment because of race, religious creed, color, national origin or ancestry, physical or—

Hedid ask me over for dinner on Friday night.

—mental disability, medical condition, marital status, political affiliation, age, sexual orientation—

OVER for dinner? SEXY. It had to have been the skirt. It couldn’t have been the garlic sauce down his pants, now could it?

—or any other basis protected by federal, state, or local law or ordinance of regulation. All such harassment is unlawful. Prohibited unlawful harassment includes, but is not limited to, the following behavior:—

Shut up. God, I hate this. By the way, I said I’d bring dessert. Can I have your lemon-bar recipe?

Does Mitch really strike you as the lemon-bar type? I think he’s more seven-layer cookie, myself.

Verbal misconduct such as epithets, derogatory jokes or comments, slurs or unwanted sexual advances.

Seven-layer cookies are too heavy.

For what? For a little apres dinner—

Visual misconduct such as derogatory and/or sexually oriented posters, photography, cartoons, or gestures, including those accessed or sent via e-mail.

SHUT UP!

How did you know what I was going to write?

Physical conduct such as assault, unwanted touching, blocking normal movement or interfering with work because of sex, race, or any other protected basis.

Because I know you. God, this is so BORING!

You’re telling me. Why is she wearing tan pantyhose? Are we all supposed to believe she went to Aruba for the weekend, and only her legs got tan?

Threats and demands to submit to sexual requests as a condition of continued employment, or to avoid some other loss, and offers of employment benefits in return for sexual favors; and—

She must have run out of nude ones. And I know for a fact that she didn’t go to Aruba for the weekend.

—retaliation for having reported or threatened to report harassment.

I saw her at the Met Saturday night.

If you/one of your clients believe you/he/she have/has been unlawfully harassed, provide a written or verbal complaint. Your complaint should include details of the incident(s), names of the—

Do you suppose she and Stuart went home afterwards and had torrid sex?

Ew! Thanks for the visual.

—individuals involved, and names of any witnesses. The Company will immediately undertake—

Well, that must be the only reason he likes her, right? She has no other redeeming qualities. I mean,she’s a power-hungry, back-stabbing, two-faced uber bitch.

—effective, thorough, and objective investigation of the harassment allegations. If the Company determines that unlawful harassment has occurred, effective remedial action—

The B word! You can’t use the B word on the staff meeting minutes! My God, what’s wrong with you, Jen?????

—will be taken in accordance with the circumstances involved. Any employee determined by the Company to be responsible for unlawful harassment will be subject to appropriate disciplinary—

Well, you know it’s true. It has to be the sex. She must just give BJODs all day long.

—action, up to and including termination. Whatever action is taken against the harasser will be—

Wait . . . what are BJODs again?

—made known to the employee lodging the complaint and the Company will take appropriate—

Oh, my little Kentucky innocent. Blow jobs on demand.

—action to remedy any loss to the employee resulting from harassment. The Company will not—

EW!!!! Would you stop???? Besides, it’s not like he’s such a great catch himself. I mean, he’s no George Clooney in the looks department, and does he even HAVE a personality?Or a sense of humor? It’s not just anyone that Mrs. Lopez refuses to serve pie to, you know. She’s very discriminating.

—retaliate against you for filing a complaint and will not tolerate or permit retaliation by management, employees or coworkers. The Company encourages all employees to report any incidents of harassment forbidden by this policy immediately so that complaints can be quickly and fairly addressed.

Yeah, well, so’s Amy. And she is not the type to get engaged to anybody worth less than a million a year. I mean, you got that kind of money coming in, you can overlook any bald spot and inordinately small unit.

Would you stop??? Not in the middle of trust games!!!!

I hate these frigging trust games. What the hell are they supposed to establish?

Um. That would be trust. Amongst your coworkers.

Please. I wouldn’t trust Amy to warn me not to cross the street in the path of an oncoming bus. Do you really think I’m going to trust her to catch me as I fall backwards?

That’s not the one we’re doing today. And besides, we’re supposed to be learning them so that we can go around to the different divisions and have them do it. You know. Little trust workshops amongst the staff.

Please. Can you imagine doing the lap sit in Features? George Sanchez would crush everyone beneath his massive girth.

As a Human Resources representative, Jen, you are not supposed to show bias against weight-challenged individuals.

Whatever! George just needs to lay off the Krispy Kremes. Which he wouldn’t be half so tempted by, if the T.O.D. hadn’t fired Mrs. Lopez. Wait. WHAT did she just say we’re supposed to be doing?

Oh my God, you so need to be off those hormones. We’re supposed to be dividing up into groups and building shelters for ourselves—

Don’t even tell me. Using those old back copies of theJournal she’s got lying over there?

Yes. But we aren’t allowed to use tape or scissors.

Motherf******!

JEN!

Seriously, this is the stupidest—

Uh-oh, she’s dividing us into groups now.

I’d better be in your group, or—

To: Amy Jenkins

Fr: Stuart Hertzog

Re: Ida Lopez

Sweetheart, I have done everything I can to prevent it, but the fact is, I simply can’t get you out of a pretrial discovery conference with Mitch. He is insisting that it be sometime this week, and so I thought tomorrow would be best. . . . That way we can get it over with. And you don’t have to worry, because I’ll be right by your side the whole time.

He wants Kate Mackenzie there, as well. God knows why. I’ve given up trying to second-guess my brother. He is, not to put too fine a point on it, a freak of nature. If it were not for the fact that I remember our mother being pregnant with him, I would suspect he was adopted. I promise you none of the other Hertzogs are like Mitch.

Well, except for possibly my sister Janice. But she’s young enough that hopefully any defects in her character can still be cured.

But like I said, he is a fine, fine lawyer. Remember, I love you, and would never let anyone or anything hurt you.

After the depo, I’ll take you to lunch, anywhere you want to go.

All my love,

Stuart

Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Trust Games

Told you we’d trounce those losers.

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Trust Games

Yeah, but, Jen, we’ve known each other since college. The Reception staff turns over every six months. Did you really think they were going to have their house up faster, or that it would be more secure than ours?

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Trust Games

Come on! They’re younger than we are! And we kicked their asses! Even when Amy came by and tied that scarf around your head, we STILL beat them. With one of our team members BLIND!

And what about the Budget staff? Some of them have worked together for YEARS, and we still beat them. WE RULE!!!

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Trust Games

I’d forgotten about this competitive side of yours. It’s been a while since we played Scrabble, I guess. It isn’t really a very attractive trait, Jen.

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Trust Games

Who cares? WE WON!!!!! I am telling you, it is only a matter of time until we take over this place, you and me. It’ll be Kate and Jen’s Free Therapy Clinic in no time! Just you wait and see!

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Trust Games

Um, yeah, okay, CALIGULA.

I just got a call from Amy. She wants me in her office STAT. She actually said that. What does she think this is, anyway, an emergency room? Is she defibrillating a heart in there, or just filing people’s 1099s?

I hope we open up Kate and Jen’s Free Therapy Clinic soon.

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Amy Jenkins

Re: Tomorrow

To review what we just discussed, tomorrow morning you and I will appear at 9 a.m. in the offices of Hertzog Webber and Doyle to be further deposed in the matter of Lopez vs. theNew York Journal. You will be dressed in a professional manner. You will answer all questions put to you in a truthful manner. You will not, however, say anything that could be construed as not reflecting positively on your employer.

This is a serious matter, Kate, and I am counting on you to handle it in that way, and not allow whatever personal feelings you might have for the employee involved to cloud your better judgment.

Amy

Amy Denise Jenkins

Director

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com

This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.

To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Sean

Re: Mom

Look, I’m sorry I interrupted your important business lunch or whatever it was, but seriously, I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. She is a FREAK, all right? A FREAK.

Guess what she did NOW. Go on. Guess. I go to the mall for one frigging hour to see if they have the newX-Men comic in, and what does she do? WHAT DOES SHE DO?

She sprays everything in my room with that drug-detecting spray.

I am not even kidding. You know that spray you can buy on TV for like $19.95 or whatever? That spray that turns a color if there’s drug residue on whatever object you’re spraying?

Well, she sprayed that shit ALL OVER my room.

And OF COURSE I don’t do drugs—at least, not at HOME, I’m not a MORON—so OF COURSE the shit didn’t turn a color.

But guess what? EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM IS STICKY. Seriously. It’s like Stacy’s freaking twins have been here. I mean, even my LEATHER JACKET is sticky! The leather jacket I had to save for MONTHS to buy, because you know Mom won’t let me go near the money Gramps left me. I mean, I had to work the graveyard shift in the quad store for that jacket.

And now it’s like one of those adhesive fly strips. I’m not kidding. There was actually a moth stuck to it already by the time I got home.

I confronted Mom about it, and she says—get this—STUART told her to do it. STUART. Mr. Just Say No himself.

I can’t stand it here anymore, Mitch. I think there’s a very good chance I might go completely mental and take her goddamn Madame Alexander doll collection and put it out with the rest of the garbage where it BELONGS!!!!

Or do you think I’m overreacting? But think about it, Mitch: My UNDERWEAR is sticky. And not because I’ve been having any fun in them!!!!

Sean

To: Sean

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Mom

Thanks for those last couple of lines about your underwear. That’s really something every guy wants to know about his little sister. Not.

Look, I told you, you’re welcome to stay with me anytime you want. But keep in mind the only way you’re going to convince Mom and Dad that you’re all right to go back to college is if you play it their way for a few months. If you cool it on the hair dye and the diatribes at the dinner table against gross materialism, you should have them eating out of your hand by the time apps for fall semester come rolling around.

Keep your chin up, and send everything to be dry-cleaned . . . at Mom’s expense, of course.

Mitch

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Dolly Vargas

Re: You

Darling, it was SO sweet of you to pretend to be Skiboy’s girlfriend yesterday. You really are an INVALUABLE little roomie. I can’t imagine what I ever did without you.

Now, I’m going to have a late night tonight—the fall shows, don’t you know—so if you wouldn’t mind just letting Skiboy in when he shows up—it will probably be around nine—I’d love you forever. He’s had some entanglement with his landlord—I don’t know what, I try not to pay attention when he talks, he’s so dull. But those shoulders! Oh!

He promises not to be any trouble. And no need to worry about Peter, he’s got his golf lesson at Chelsea Piers tonight, so we won’t be seeing him until Wednesday at the earliest.

Ciao!

XXXOOO

Dolly

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Dale Carter

Re: Lunch

Okay, so I know I owe you an apology for that whole thing today at the restaurant. I’m really sorry. In fact, I’m so sorry, I already wrote a song about it. It’s called “Chicken a la Kate.” Will you PLEASE come to our gig tonight so you can hear me sing it? We’ll be playing over at Bryant Park, for one of the designers for the fall fashion runway shows. It’s our first official gig with our new label.

And in spite of what Scroggs thinks, we are not sellouts to be playing at a fashion show. I mean, isn’t that what life is, really? A fashion show?

So was that guy I poured chicken on really your lawyer? Or is he like your new boyfriend? Because it looked to me like he likes you as more than just, you know, somebody he’s lawyering for.

Dale

To: Dale Carter

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Chicken

Client. The people lawyers do their “lawyering” for are called clients. And that is what I am to Mitch Hertzog. His client. That’s all.

But Dale, you seriously have to give up on the whole trying-to-get-me-back thing. Because I’m not coming back. I’m not saying I don’t still love you—there’s a part of me that will probably always love you. But during this time I’ve spent away from you, I’ve realized something, and that’s that I’m notin love with you anymore. I don’t think I have been for some time.

And it’s not just because you won’t make a commitment. It’s because I realize now you and I have completely different values and goals in life. I mean, really, Dale, what am I going to do when you and the band go on tour? Follow you around the country? I’m not a groupie. That wouldn’t make me happy. What makes me happy is helping people.

And don’t say that YOU need my help and that that should be enough for me. I’m not talking about looking after someone’s bowling shoes or keeping the apartment stocked with coffee filters. I’m talking about helping people to make career and life choices. I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but ultimately, when things are going the way they should, that’s what I do here at theJournal . And I really really love it.

But even you have to admit that my job and your job are totally incompatible. I mean, how many rock stars have you seen onBehind the Music who are married to human resource representatives? Not even one.

So Dale, please, please, please move on. I’m not coming back, not ever, and I know that, in time, you’ll see this is for the best.

Love,

Kate