Boy Meets Girl

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Features Division

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

MEMO

To: All Departments

Fr: Features Division

Re: Promotion of Jen Sadler

Reinstatement of Kate Mackenzie

We, the undersigned, staff members in the Features Department of theNew York Journal, applaud the promotion of Jen Sadler to the position of Human Resources Director, and the reinstatement of Kate Mackenzie. We hope these brilliant hiring decisions will be followed by yet another: the reinstatement of Ida Lopez as dessert cart operator in the senior-staff dining room.

In the meantime: NO MORE TRUST GAMES!!!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

George Sanchez

Melissa Fuller-Trent

Nadine Wilcock-Salerno

Dolly Vargas

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Can you believe this??

Katydid:

I’m freaking out. I really am. Jen—I have my job back. And you . . . you have the T.O.D.’s job! You are a DIRECTOR! A DIRECTOR!!! You so, so deserve it.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

I think you’re going to have to pinch me. I feel like I’m in a dream.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Ow, bitch, that really hurt.

Katydid:

Did you see how she was crying? I felt a little sorry for her.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Sorry for her? After what she did to you? Kate, you are way, way too nice. So where do you want to go to lunch to celebrate? My treat.

Katydid:

Can’t. I have plans already.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

With Loverboy?

Katydid:

No, Dale’s model, actually. I promised I’d go to the Olive Garden with her so we can talk about Dale.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Oh my God. You really ARE too nice.

Katydid:

After work? Drinks at Lupe’s?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

You’re on. No drinks for me, though.

Katydid:

Why? Directors can’t drink?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

No. Pregnant women can’t.

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: You

Oh my God, I’m sure they heard you all the way up in Peter’s office. Would you calm down? I’m trying to keep it under wraps. How thrilled are they going to be when they find out they just promoted a lady who’ll be on maternity leave in seven months? So keep the celebrating to a lower pitch, will you, please?

And yes, of course you can be the godmother.

Jen

To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Margaret Hertzog

Re: The News

By now you’ve heard the tragic news. I suppose YOU won’t see what’s so tragic about it. I suppose you’re PROUD that you’re descended from Those People. I suppose you just laughed when you heard, the way your father did.

But believe me, it’s no laughing matter. And it’s killing your brother. I know that you and I haven’t seen eye to eye about much lately, but maybe we can at least agree on this: Your brother needs you, Mitchell. He’s hurting, and quite badly. Can’t you, just for once, do the decent thing, and offer to go with him after work to that cigar bar he likes so much, or maybe take him to play basketball with those friends of yours? You know it was never easy for Stuart to open up to new people—he’s far too sensitive. What few friends he’s had, he’s never managed to keep for very long . . . except, of course, those friends he’s made through work. But of course they can’t afford to alienate him, or they’ll lose their jobs.

But what Stuart needs right now isn’t friends. It’s family. Won’t you, for once in your life, think about someone other than yourself, and help your brother?

I’d ask your sister Stacy, but she said something very rude to me about Stuart over the phone just now. It’s clear she’s in one of her moods.

If you won’t do it for Stuart, Mitch, will you do it for me?

Mother

To: Margaret Hertzog

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: The News

If you’d stop feeling sorry for yourself for half a second, Mom, and take a look around, you might notice something. That’s right. You’re all alone. You’re all alone, because you, like Stuart, have managed to alienate everyone you know, too. For instance, your daughter Janice. Where is Janice, Mom? Do you know? You don’t, do you? That’s because she’s RUN AWAY. No one knows where she is right now. Your youngest child is missing, and all you can seem to think about is the fact that you married a Jew.

Get over it, Mom. For once in your life think about someone other than yourself. And then do us all a favor and GROW UP.

Mitch

To: Stuart Hertzog

Fr: Amy Jenkins

Re: WHERE ARE YOU???

I’ve been calling and calling. Your assistant says you’re on a conference call. Well, get OUT OF IT. Stuart, I’ve been FIRED! FIRED! That bastard brother of yours—I don’t know how he did it—but somehow he got his hands on an e-mail I sent to that bitch Kate—I really thought I’d deleted all the copies, but I guess I forgot the one in mysend file—and he got it to Peter Hargrave who fired me for forgery and insubordination, and Stuart, I HAVE NO JOB!!!! I HAVE NO JOB NOW, and it’s all that bastard Mitch’s fault!

Call me. I’ll be at the gym, trying to work out some of my frustration.

How could they do this to me? Jen, Kate, all of them—after everything I’ve done for them over the years? I’m the best boss any of them ever had! Oh, the ungrateful bitches.

To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Stuart Hertzog

Re: You

Amy told me everything.

How you can even show your face in this office today, I can’t imagine. Oh, wait, yes I can, because those are the two things I like least about you: your face(s).

I suppose you thought you’d get away with it. How did you do it, anyway? Ask one of your former low-life clients to break into her office and print out that e-mail yourself? Don’t try to deny it, Amy says she saw your name on last night’s sign-on sheet.

Just what did you hope to prove, anyway? Amy doesn’t remember writing that e-mail. If she did, well then, she simply MADE A MISTAKE. Should she be TERMINATED for that?

I’m sure you think so, because you think Amy was lying.

But I know my love, and I know that she hasn’t a deceitful bone in her body.

There were all sorts of people at that sorry excuse for an office building who were out to get Amy, as well as her job. Any one of them could have forged that document, in order to make Amy look bad. Incompetent employees naturally despise those who call them on their inadequacies. And Amy has never been one to remain silent when she sees an error in need of adjustment. She is as fastidious about her work as she is about staying a perfect size six.

And I for one applaud her.

Oh, but then I happen to have something that you don’t: a heart.

I hope you realize that this is the end of our relationship. Was it worth it? Severing your relations with your own brother, all to get your girlfriend’s job back? So that some old lady can go back to refusing to serve pie to people she resents because they are more successful than she ever has a hope of being? Oh, yeah, you’ve really struck a blow for humanity with this one. Boy, I’ll bet they’ll give you the Nobel fucking prize. Mrs. Lopez got her job making pies back. Yippee! Kate whateverhernameis can go back to filing. Yay!

While one of the kindest, most brilliant, beautiful women in the world is at home right now, sobbing on her treadmill.

I hope that makes you happy.

Oh, but don’t get too excited. Amy won’t be unemployed for long. She’s already been contacted by three headhunters. She’ll be pulling in three times what she was getting at that rag in a matter of weeks.

And if you think this is going to stop me from marrying her, you can just think again. I still intend to marry her, but you—and anyone associated with theJournal —will NOT be welcome at the ceremony. And not just because of what you did last night, either. I’ve let Stacy know that she will not be invited to our nuptials, either. Not after the way the two of you have behaved concerning Janice. Apparently, “alternative lifestyles” are perfectly acceptable to the two of you (I shudder to think what kind of values Stacy is teaching those poor innocent children of hers). Well, same-sex partnerships aren’t acceptable to me, or to my future wife. Janice is a spoiled brat and always has been, and this “Sarah” business is just to get attention from Mom and Dad. The sooner you two realize this, the better.

It pains me to have to say this, but I feel like you’ve left me no other choice: Mitch, I never want to see or speak to you again. Even the thought of working in the same office as you makes me sick. Kindly stay the hell out of my life.

Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900

To: Stuart Hertzog

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: You

Right back atcha, buddy.

Mitch