Boy Meets Girl

You’ve reached Ready Lock. Locked out? Don’t call a friend! Call Ready Lock. Locks changed, keys made while you wait. Just leave a message, and Ed will get back to you in five minutes—guaranteed.

(Tone)

Eddie, it’s me, Mitch Hertzog. You remember. Your lawyer for that little imbroglio you got into in Kip’s Bay. You told me if there was ever anything you could do for me, just name it. Well, I think I’ve finally got something you can do for me. Give me a call.

(Click)

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog

Re: Kate

Hi, Jen. Thanks for putting me in touch with your division’s IT guy. Unfortunately, Tim wasn’t able to give me the kind of help I was hoping for. I did, however, just speak to someone who happens to be an expert in the area of data retrieval. And I was thinking that if you and I put our heads together, we might be able to do something to help rectify the situation.

With Kate, I mean. And her current state of unemployment.

Of course, what I’m suggesting will involve—well, nothing illegal, exactly. But something that might, if it’s found out, get you into trouble. Possibly even fired. I wouldn’t even ask you to get involved if it wasn’t for the fact that there is absolutely no other way, that I can tell, around it.

Anyway, if you’re up for it, give me a call. You have my card.

And it’d be really great if you wouldn’t mention any of this to Kate just yet. It might not pan out, and I’d hate to get her hopes up for nothing. Thanks.

Mitch

To: Mitchell Hertzog

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: Kate

Are you kidding? You can count me in.

Just name the date and time, and I’m your girl.

J

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Dale Carter

Re: Vivica

Look, Viv told me how you won’t answer her e-mails and shit. And I can understand why you might be mad, Kate. I mean, it might seem like one minute I was, you know, confessing my undying love for you in the lobby of your office building, and the next minute, I was, um, making out with a supermodel.

But the truth is if I thought there was even a CHANCE you might come back to me, I’d drop Vivica in a New York minute. Whatever that is.

But hell, Kate, you made it pretty clear last time I saw you that it was over between us. So I thought I’d take your advice, you know, and move on.

If you’ve changed your mind and want to get back together, though, just say the word. We’re leaving for tour in a few days, but you could still fully sign on as like, costume mistress or something, and travel with us in the RV.

That’s right, Kate. We get to go across country in our own RV. Just like your mom.

Don’t get me wrong, Vivica’s hot and all, and she’s nice, too. But nobody could ever hold up a candle to you Kate. Just say the word, and I’m yours again.

Dale

To: Dale Carter

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Vivica

Hold a candle. Not hold UP a candle.

And the reason I haven’t answered Vivica is because I’ve been busy, Dale. But really, I think it’s great about the two of you, I hope you’ll be really happy together. I mean it. I’m glad you’re moving on, because I am, too.

At least, I’m trying to.

Take care, Dale. And good luck coming up with a rhyme forVivica.

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Sean

Re: Last night

Hi. I found your e-mail address in my brother’s address book. I just wanted to say thanks for being so understanding and everything last night. You’re a really cool person. You made me feel like I’m not this enormous freak which, frankly, I’ve kind of suspected lately that I really am.

So. Thanks.

And I’m sorry I messed up your evening with my brother. But if it’s any consolation, I think he really likes you, because you’re all he can talk about. Like he practically killed me after you left for crashing your dinner. And he’s never been that way about any girl before.

So . . . talk to you later.

Sean

To: Vivica

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: Dale

Dear Vivica,

Sorry I didn’t write sooner, but things have been kind of . . . hectic. I mean, I lost my job, and I sort of don’t have a real place to live—Dale can tell you more about that, though.

Anyway, in answer to your questions about Dale, to the best of my knowledge, he’s never tried to kill anybody. Once this guy threw a bottle at him while he was on stage in Jersey City, and Dale and he got into a fight, but that was totally provoked. And they were able to reattach the guy’s finger just fine.

I don’t really know Dale’s opinion on driftwood sculpture—I don’t think either of us has ever seen any of that. Kentucky is a landlocked state, you know.

But I’m sure Dale doesn’t DISLIKE driftwood sculpture. And yes, he is good with pets. He even had a dog for most of the time we were going out, until it got kicked in the head by a cow (long story).

My only complaint about Dale—as he seems to have told you—is about the commitment thing. I think if you’d been going out with someone as long as I ended up going out with Dale, and then had him turn around and say he had to take it one day at a time and wasn’t sure whether or not he could commit, you’d have moved out, too.

But maybe that’s just me.

And maybe things will be different for you and Dale. You sound like a very nice person—I saw you on the cover of this month’sVogue, and you LOOK like a nice person, too. I sincerely hope things click with you and Dale.

In the meantime, could you please tell him that if he’s planning on giving up the apartment early in order to leave for his tour, that I still expect my half of the security deposit back? I’m currently unemployed, as I think I mentioned, and could really use the money.

Good luck,

Kate

To: Kate Mackenzie

Fr: Vivica

Re: Dale

Oh my God, thanks SO MUCH for your e-mail. You totally made my day. I’m SO glad Dale never tried to kill anyone (although what’s with the finger thing? Well, I’m sure he’ll tell me when he’s ready)!

You sound like a really nice person, too. I’m sorry you have no job, boyfriend, or place to live. You may not believe this, but when I first came to New York, I was just like you. I mean, homeless and poor. Until I signed with my agency, and all.

Hey, have you ever thought of being a model, like me? Dale showed me that picture of you two in front of the bagel shop, and you looked so cute! You’re too short to do runway work, of course, but you could totally do print work. Why don’t we get together for lunch sometime this week to talk about it? I found a new restaurant, and it is SO good. I don’t know how you feel about foreign food, though. It’s called the Olive Garden. It’s Italian . . . like Pizza Hut. Only no pizza.

Anyway, let me know!!!! I would love to meet you!!!!!

Love,

Vivica

To: Sean

Fr: Kate Mackenzie

Re: You

Thanks so much for your e-mail, but really, Sean, I didn’t do anything. You are the one who took the brave step of admitting your true feelings to your family and, more important, to yourself. While it’s unfortunate that certain members of your family weren’t thrilled by the news, at least you can be satisfied that you were as honest with them as you could be. I hope you’ll understand that their concern for you stems from their deep love, and maybe from a little bit of fear over something that might be foreign to them. It’s up to you to try to educate them, and let them know that the choices you’re making aren’t self-destructive at all, but choices based entirely on your love for them, yourself, and for Sarah.

One thing Mitch mentioned that I almost forgot: Isn’t it true that your grandfather left each of his grandchildren two hundred thousand dollars, to be held in trust until they turn eighteen?

Well, aren’t you nineteen?

If your parents continue to refuse to pay for your schooling, couldn’t you use the money your grandfather left you to pay for it yourself?

Just a thought.

Hope to see you again soon.

Kate

To: Jason Trent

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Janice

Look, it would only be a couple of weeks. You know the kids love her. So what’s the big deal? I’ll ask her to wear headphones if she’s going to put on any Tori Amos. Don’t be so unreasonable. I put up with YOUR relatives all the time.

Stacy

P.S. We’re out of Honey Nut Cheerios.

To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Jason Trent

Re: Janice

Excuse me, but none of MY relatives are likely to quote Ani Di Franco at the dinner table. All of MY relatives are in jail, where they belong.

You’re asking too much, Stace. I mean, what are you going to do when Haley and Brittany want to start dyeing THEIR hair green, too?

Jason

P.S. We employ an au pair, a gardener, a housekeeper, a pool boy, and a cook. None of THEM can run out to the store to get Honey Nut Cheerios?I have to stop and get them on my way home? What do we pay THEM for?

To: Jason Trent

Fr: Stacy Trent

Re: Janice

Excuse me, we entertain your brother and his wife and child nearly once a week. HE is not in jail.

And if Haley or Brittany end up wanting to dye their hair green, we’ll tell them they can, when they are Janice’s age.

Come on, Jason, this is important. Not just because I think Mom is going to pay somebody to kidnap Janice and have her sent to Utah for deprogramming, but because I think Mitch finally met a girl he really likes. He just needs some time alone with her to . . . you know.

S

P.S. God, it’s just a box of cereal, what is your problem?

To: Stacy Trent

Fr: Jason Trent

Re: Janice

Oh, so now I’m supposed to let your sister live with us so your brother can get laid? I’ll tell you what, Janice can come to stay if you promise SHE’LL get the Cheerios. But she’s not driving the Range Rover!

Jason

To: Katydid

Fr: Jen Sadler

Re: You

Haven’t heard from you in a while. What are you doing? Has he called yet?

The T.O.D. is on a full-scale rampage today. She’s already made the receptionists cry. She told them they couldn’t do the filing anymore for overtime, they have to file during office hours. They want to know how they are supposed to be in the file room AND answer the phones at the desk, and the T.O.D. just said, “Work it out,” and slammed her office door.

If she doesn’t watch it, people are going to start burning her in effigy.

Where are you, anyway? I called and got no answer.

J

To: Jen Sadler

Fr: Katydid

Re: Me

I just went out to grab the paper. You know. That whole job thing?

Is Steph

Oh, crap, the doorman’s buzzing, hold on.