Boy Meets Girl

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Kathleen A. Mackenzie

Personnel Representative

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6891

Ida D. Lopez

Craft Food Services

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

Dear Mrs. Lopez:

Last week, we met to address your continuing job-performance problems related to thegiving out of dissemination of serving of items from the dessert cart you operate in the newspaper’s senior staff dining room. These problems have persisted despite repeated counseling sessions withme my boss Amy Jenkins supervisors as well as staff training programs. Specifically, your refusal togive disseminate serve dessert to certain members of the senior staff has resulted in several written complaints from administrators at thisestablishment paper company.

Mrs. Lopez, your refusal to serve dessert to certain members of the paper’s staff is disruptive to food service operations, and the explanations that you have provided for your behavior are notsatisfactory wholly believable inexplicable acceptable. This letter is being issued as a written warning with the expectation that there will be an immediate and sustained improvement in yourwork attitude food service dissemination job performance. Failure to comply will result in further disciplinary action.

On a more personal note, Mrs. Lopez, please stop refusing to give senior staff members dessert, even if you feel, as you explained to me last week, that they don’t “deserve it.” Which members of the paper’s staff do or do not deserve dessert is not your decision to make! And I would hate to see you asked to leave the food craft services department over something so silly! I would really miss you—and your chocolate chip cookies!

Damn it.

From the Desk of

Kate Mackenzie

To do:

Laundry!!!!!!!!!

Finish disciplinary warning letter to Ida Lopez.

Pick up prescriptions—Allegra, Imitrex, Levlen.

Get new Almay pressed powder compact.

Find new apartment.

Find new boyfriend.

Get better job.

Get married.

Have successful career.

Have children/grandchildren/big retirement party.

Die in sleep at age 100.

Pick up dry cleaning!!!!!!!!!

Kathleen A. Mackenzie

Personnel Representative, LZ

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6891

kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com

Sleaterkinneyfan:

What are you doing?

Katydid:

WORKING. Stop IM-ing me, you know the T.O.D. doesn’t like it when we IM during office hours.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

The T.O.D. can bite me. And you are not working. I can see your desk from here. You’re making another one of those To Do lists, aren’t you?

Katydid:

It may look like I’m making a To Do list, but really I am reflecting on the series of failures and bad judgment calls that have made up my life.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Oh my God, you are twenty-five years old. You have not even had a life yet.

Katydid:

Then why am I in such mental and emotional anguish?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Because you stayed up too late last night watching

Charmed

reruns. Don’t try to deny it, I heard you salivating over Cole.

Katydid:

Oh my God, I’m so sorry!!!!!!!! Did I keep you and Craig awake?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Please. Craig would sleep through a nuclear blast. And I only heard you because I got up to use the bathroom. These hormones make me have to go every five minutes.

Katydid:

I am so, so sorry. I swear I will be off your couch and out of your place just as soon as I get a line on a studio I can afford. Paula’s taking me to look at one tomorrow night in Hoboken. $1100/month, third-floor walk-up.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Would you stop? I told you, we like having you stay with us.

Katydid:

Jen, you and Craig are trying to have a BABY. You do not need an old college roommate sacking out on your living room couch while you are trying to procreate. You did enough just getting me this job in the first place.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

You more than earn your keep with all the cleaning you do. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. Craig even pointed out this morning that you had dusted the top of the refrigerator. Obsessive much, by the way? Who even looks at the top of the refrigerator?

Katydid:

Well, Craig, OBVIOUSLY.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Whatever. You can’t afford $1100/month on your salary. I know how much you make, remember?

Katydid:

It’s the cheapest place Paula’s found me so far. That isn’t on the same block as a methadone clinic.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

I don’t understand why YOU are the one who had to move out. Why didn’t you kick HIM out?

Katydid:

I can’t stay in that apartment. Not with the memories of all the happy times Dale and I shared.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Oh, you mean like all those times you came home from work to find that, like, one of his bandmates had mistaken the closet for the bathroom and peed on your suede boots?

Katydid:

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BRING THAT UP AT WORK? You know it always makes me want to cry. I really loved those boots. They were perfect Coach knockoffs.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

You should have thrown his stuff out onto the fire escape and changed the locks. “I don’t know if I can marry you after all, I have to take things one day at a time.” I mean, what kind of thing is that for a guy to say?????

Katydid:

Um, the kind of thing an ex-pothead who is about to land a million-dollar recording contract would say to the girl he has dated since high school. I mean, come on, Jen. Dale can get anyone now. Why would he stay with his girlfriend from high school?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Oh my God, I swear if it weren’t for the T.O.D. watching me like a hawk for any excuse to can my ass, I’d come over there and slap you. You are the best thing that ever happened to Dale, recording contract or no recording contract, and if he doesn’t know it, he isn’t worth it. Do you understand me, Katie? HE ISN’T WORTH IT.

Katydid:

Yes, but then what does that say about ME? I’m the one who went out with him for ten years, after all. TEN YEARS. With a guy who isn’t sure now that he wants to marry me after all. I mean, what does that tell you about my ability to read people? Seriously, Jen, I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to work here. How can I presume to tell my employers who they should and should not hire when I am obviously such a heinous judge of character?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Katie, you are not a heinous judge of character. Your problem is that you—

AmyJenkinsDir:

logged on

AmyJenkinsDir:

Pardon me for interrupting, ladies, but is there or is there not a departmental ban on Instant Messaging during office hours? Ms. Sadler, please get me the blue form on the new hire in Arts. Miss Mackenzie, I need to see you in my office right away.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

logged off

Katydid:

logged off

AmyJenkinsDir:

logged off

Sleaterkinneyfan:

logged on

Katydid:

logged on

Sleaterkinneyfan:

THE TYRANNICAL OFFICE DESPOT MUST DIE

Katydid:

Her home life must be very unsatisfactory.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

logged off

Katydid:

logged off

30’s East Rent Stabilized

A Steal! Studio $1100. No

Fee. Call Ron 718-555-7757

Yo! It’s Ron. Leave a message.

(Tone)

Um, hi, Ron? Hi, this is Kate, Kate Mackenzie. I’m calling about the apartment. The rent-stabilized studio in the East Thirties? Yeah. Please give me a call about it. I can come to look at it any time. Really. Like in five minutes, if you want. Just, you know. Call me. I’ll be at 212-555-6891 until five, then you can reach me at 212-555-1324. And thanks. Call anytime. Really.

If you sprinkle

When you tinkle

Be a sweetie,

Wipe the seatie!

This message brought to you by

The Human Resources Division of theNew York Journal