Crystal's Heart

Chapter Seventh

She found Jenny sitting at the table, flipping through the newspaper. "Didn't you read it already?"

"I was running late this morning and only had time to check on how the Mets were doing. Your tea is steeping in the brown mug." The wind from the open window on the ride back from picking Crystal up had blown Jenny's hair from its usual wedge shape into a puffed and disheveled mass of brown. Laura reached into her back pocket and pulled out a comb.

"Here, you look like a groundhog who stuck his paw in a light socket." She walked over to the counter and reached for her mug. "So when were you going to tell me that you were seeing Crystal?" She pulled the teabag out of the water and threw it in the trash. "You could have said something earlier."

"No I couldn't," Jenny protested, running the comb haphazardly through her hair. "It's not up to me to tell you. It was Crystal's decision." "So what happened today? Did she tell you she was going to hang out with her druggie friends?" Laura crossed the room and pulled out the chair next to Jenny. "You couldn't have talked her out of it?"

"Laura, I can't talk to you about what happens in my office with her. You just have to accept you can't ask me questions about her." Jenny took a sip of her tea. "Besides, you know me. Do you honestly think I wouldn't have tried to talk a patient out of putting themselves in a potentially dangerous situation if I had known about it?" Reaching out, she took Laura's hand in her own. "I have to be very careful here. Crystal has to be able to trust me to keep her confidences."

"Does this mean she's not a topic that we can discuss?"

"Just you being her roommate is enough for me to be hauled up in front of the ethics committee. I shouldn't be seeing her at all."

"Then why are you?" Laura asked. "You know me too, Jen. You know you're the one I turn to when I need to talk. How am I supposed to censor what I talk about?"

"Don't you think I thought about that before I made my decision?" Jenny snapped. "Do you think I like having to be careful what I talk about with you? I'm not real thrilled with thei.e.either, Laur, but you have to understand where I'm coming from too."

"And where is that? I don't mean to sound selfish but after sharing my soul with you for the last seven years, it isn't easy to accept." "Not all of your soul was shared with me, Laura," Jenny said in a warning tone. "There's a reason we live at separate addresses now, remember?" Looking down at her cup, Laura found words escaping her. "I thought we weren't going to talk about that," she finally said.

"I'd rather not talk about that tonight either," the therapist admitted, withdrawing her hand and draining her mug. "I'm going home, Laur. You know you can always talk to me about your feelings and thoughts but we can't get into discussions about Crystal. It won't be easy but that's the way it has to be."

"Why do you have to go home? You can stay here." Looking up into Jenny's eyes, she added "I'd really like to hold you tonight." "Not tonight." Leaning over, she kissed Laura's cheek. "I'll see you this weekend for the game."

Seeing Jenny rise, Laura got to her feet as well. "Please, stay for a little while longer? I promise I won't try anything. I just need to talk." Come on, Jen, she silently willed.

"What about?"

Now that the time came, the writer found it hard to reveal the problem that had been in the back of her mind for most of the evening. "I um I got email from the publisher."

"From the look on your face I'd say it wasn't a good email, was it?"

"Not really." Laura sat back down, resting her elbows on the table while her chin rested on her hands. Jenny resumed her seat as well. Laura's gaze settled on the napkin holder. "You know how I've been worrying about missing the deadline?"

"Yeah?"

"I missed it."

"What did they do?"

"Moved my print date back three months. That's going to drain the last of the money Dad left me." Laura shook her head. "I thought about getting a job but if I do that I won't have time to work on the story."

"You won't be working every minute of the day, Hon," Jenny said. "I'm going to make more tea. You want another one?" "No thanks." She watched her ex-lover walk over and pick up the tea kettle. "Jen, I don't know what to do about it anymore. They're yelling at me to get the book done and I can't figure out where to go after Alexandra is rescued from the warehouse."

"The writer's block isn't letting up any, hm?"

"Not one bit." Laura sighed. "Remember when I'd be sitting up there writing for hours on end and you'd bring me coffee?" "I remember. There were nights I couldn't get you to come to bed."

"The characters would get into my head and just not let go until I finished the scene. I felt so good when I had that drive." "And now?"

"Now? I told you, now I can't figure out what to do with Alexandra."

"No, not how is the story going, how are you feeling?" Jenny stepped up behind her and rubbed her back. "You're not exactly the best when it comes to dealing with stress. I'm surprised you're not frantically cleaning the place."

"I'll save that for after you leave," Laura said, cracking a small smile. "You know me too well, Jen."

"So answer the question."

"How do I feel that they pushed the book back three months?"

"No, how do you feel knowing you missed the deadline?" Jenny slid into her seat. "I know you, remember? I remember that story you worked on for months only to erase it from the hard drive when you became frustrated."

"It wasn't going anywhere, just like this one."

"Yes it was. You were at least three quarters of the way through when you got too stressed. That's the same night you emptied all the cabinets and scrubbed them down if I remember correctly."

"It's that anal nature of mine, I guess," Laura sighed. "When I had a wrinkle in the bed, Dad wouldn't just let me fix the wrinkle. He'd tear all the bedding off and have me start over."

"There's a difference between making the bed and throwing away months of hard work," Jenny pointed out. "You're the one who wanted to become a writer. You can't blame anyone but yourself for missing the deadline and you can't go back and change what happened." The whistle of the tea kettle made Jenny stand up. "You know the answer to your own question, Laur." Removing the screaming kettle from the stove, she poured the steaming liquid into her cup. "You know, someday they'll figure out a way to keep the tag from falling in when you add water." Setting the kettle on a different burner to cool, she added milk and sugar to her mug and returned to the table. "So? Have you figured it out yet?"

"You're playing therapist again, Jen."

"So I am. So are you going to have a fit and destroy the story, ruining any chance you have of ever getting it published and making money from it or are you going to take advantage of the extra time you now have to sit down and make the story the best you can?"

"It isn't that easy." Laura rubbed her face. Why do I get myself into these discussions with her? I always lose. "If the ideas won't come, I can't force them in order to finish the story."

"Then maybe you should look at what is keeping the ideas from coming," Jenny said, blowing at her tea before taking a sip. "I just can't seem to concentrate on the story. Alexandra seems

I don't know flat I guess."

"How so?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I'm just distracted, I guess." Laura's fingers traced the rim of her mug. "You know she became upset when I said we were friends? I don't think she had many friends growing up. How could she with a father like hers?"

"Laura, we can't go there," Jenny said softly.

"How can someone do that to their own kid?" she continued, ignoring the warning.

"There is no good reason, Hon, you know that. But I would say that anyone who can make it through that kind of horror deserves all the support he or she can get, don't you?"

"I hate him, Jen. I've never met the man and I hate him for what he did to her."

"We can't"

"I'm not talking about her," Laura said firmly. "I'm talking about me, about how I feel." She pushed the mug away, making sure it stayed on the . "How am I supposed to be supportive and listen when all I want to do is have my father get some of his military friends to go over and beat the hell out of him?"

"Do you think answering violence with more violence will solve the problem?"

"Don't play therapist, Jen. I don't want the high road answers." Laura pushed her chair back and stood up.

"You never did." Jenny set the tea cup down and patted the empty chair next to her. "Come sit down."

"No, I can't. I have things to do." Walking over to the sink, Laura opened the lower cabinet and removed the mop pail. "This floor is a mess." "The floor is fine and I'm sure you've mopped it at least once in the last twenty-four hours. Come on, Laur. Sit down and talk to me."

"I need to get this done, Jen," she said, testing the water temperature with her fingers. Once it was warm enough, Laura filled the pail before adding a healthy amount of cleaner to the water. Shutting off the tap, she hefted the pail out of the sink and set it down on the floor. When she turned to get the mop, she was surprised to find that Jenny had left the table and was now standing before her.

"Well if you won't talk to me then I can't stay any longer. It's getting too late. I know better than to try and talk you out of it. Do me a favor, though?" Jenny pulled her into a tight embrace. "Stop beating yourself up about missing the deadline," she whispered into Laura's ear. "It doesn't make you any less of a writer or any less of a person, despite what you think."

"You don't have to go."

Patting Laura on the back, Jenny replied "Yes I do. I'm not in the mood to fight you off, you octopus."

"Hey."

"Don't even think about it. I know you too well, Laura Taylor. If you think I'm going to believe that you're going to behave yourself tonight then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you." Leaning in, Jenny gave her ex-lover a friendly kiss on the cheek. "I'll call you tomorrow."

An hour later the kitchen floor was mopped to a brilliant shine and the counters also reflected the same luster. Laura took her cleaning frenzy into the living room. Deciding that the table near the entryway needed a good polishing, she pulled out a fresh rag and the bottle of polish from the cleaning closet. While rubbing the cloth over the wood, Laura let her mind wander. You could have stay, Jen. I would have behaved. Her lip curled up as a devilish look crossed her face. Well, maybe not. Oh well, guess it's just me and my imagination tonight. The bright lights showed the multitude of fingerprints smudging the table surface. I can't believe you two. I just polished this yesterday. The pleasant scent of lemon filled the air as she moved the polish covered rag over the wood. I'm going to have to talk to Crystal about putting her fingers all over the place, Laura thought to herself, knowing her roommate was just as responsible for the smeared tabletop as her ex-lover. Deciding to check up on her wayward roommate, she quickly finished polishing the table and headed upstairs.

Laura quietly opened the door to Crystal's room. The night light plugged into the far wall outlet provided enough illumination for her to make her way over to the bed without stumbling into anything. "You awake?" she asked softly. "I just came in to check on you." Receiving no answer, Laura leaned over and tucked the edges of the blanket around the sleeping form. "I really wish you wouldn't get so wasted all the time," she whispered. "You don't need the drugs."

"Hmm?" came the groggy voice.

"Shh, it's just me," Laura replied, shifting back so her body wasn't too close to Crystal's. "I was just checking up on you." "Oh." Crystal rolled onto her back. "What time is it?"

"Close to ten. What time do you have to be at work tomorrow?"

"'round seven or so," the half-asleep woman mumbled.

"Well then roll over and get some sleep. It's going to be a long day tomorrow." Laura stood up and took a step toward the door. "Have a good day if I don't see you in the morning." She almost reached the door when she heard Crystal call to her.

"Laura?"

"Hmm?" It was several seconds before she heard the soft reply.

"Thanks for not being mad at me."

Laura walked back over to the bed and knelt down, resting her forearms on the soft blanket. "Hey, that's what friends are for, right? To help you when you're down?" Reaching out, she tugged the blanket up over Crystal's exposed shoulder. "I told you I'd rather come get you than have you driving like that. Now get some sleep."

After leaving Crystal's room, Laura returned downstairs to finish cleaning up before retiring to her own room. While the bed was a tempting sight, the computer proved to be a more powerful draw and Laura found herself watching the familiar startup logos and tests flash across the screen. Maybe something will come to me, she thought hopefully, reviewing the handwritten notes she kept next to the computer. Her main character, Bobbi, just saved a family from being killed in a warehouse fire and that was where Laura's creative juices trickled up. So now what? The family thanks Bobbi and she falls for the oldest daughter? Somehow thei.e.that seemed so good when Laura first started the novel now felt cliché and simplistic. Why would she fall for the daughter of the furniture baron? Laura rubbed her face. "This just isn't working," Laura said an hour later when no new words appeared on the screen. The sound of a door opening drew her attention away from the frustrating characters. Laura listened as Crystal made her way into the bathroom. A thump followed by a muffled curse drew her out of her chair. "Crystal? Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I just ran into the hamper, that's all," came the reply. Laura turned her attention back to the paper before her. This just doesn't make sense. The whole family is there so why would Bobbi notice Julie and not pay most of her attention to Julie's father? The one that makes all the money? It's not like Julie looks ravishing all disheveled and covered with dirt. Laura struggled with the problem until she heard a gentle knock on her door. "Come in."

The door opened and Crystal poked her head inside. "It sounded like you were still up."

"I am." Laura motioned at the monitor. "I'm just working on my story but it doesn't seem to be cooperating tonight."

"It's your story. You don't know what happens next?" Crystal stepped inside and looked at the screen. "I don't see anything but a green screen."

"I minimized it." Laura reached out and clicked on the mouse. The screen filled with text. "I just had Bobbi rescue the furniture baron and his family from the arsonist who tried to blow them up in a warehouse fire. Now Bobbi meets the baron's daughter Julie for the first time and I can't figure out how or why she'd run into her again."

"And you're trying to put the two women together?"

"Well it is a lesbian novel, Crystal," Laura said, a smile forming on her lips. "The i.e.is that Bobbi and Julie become lovers and live happily ever after. Of course they have to go through all sorts of challenges and trials before that happens. But nothing's going to happen if I can't figure out what to do next." She leaned back, giving Crystal more room to look at the words on the screen. "See right now Julie's father is going to thank Bobbi for rescuing them and then the police are going to arrive. I can't figure out how to get her and Julie to talk to each other or even what they would talk about."

"Maybe Bobbi, that's the one that's the hero, right?"

"Yeah, she's the private investigator who gets there just in the nick of time to save them from the bomb. Here, you can sit on the cabinet if you want." Laura pointed at the small two drawer file cabinet next to the desk. Crystal took the suggestion, resting her back against the wall. The blonde hair hung limply against her head, her shirt and pants rumpled from sleep. Laura noticed the bright red polish adorning the bare toes. The chipped surface led Laura to believe that Crystal had not bothered to paint them since the last time she worked at the Tom Cat Club. With a start Laura realized she had missed what Crystal said. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You said Bobbi just rescued them from a fire, right?"

"Right, arsonist sets warehouse full of flammable chemicals on fire with the family trapped inside."

"So what if whatever her name is got burned and had to go to the hospital? Then Bobbi can go visit her."

"Well I don't think I want to disfigure one of my main characters. Doesn't exactly make for the best visual images for the readers."

"You don't have to disfigure her, just give her a small burn, like on her arm or something," Crystal picked up a spongy ball from the desk and squeezed it. "What's this?"

"A stress ball," Laura replied. Looking down at her neatly written notes, she nodded. "I suppose I could put a mild burn in there. It's between semesters so it's not like Julie would have to worry about carrying books or anything. I could have her go visit Bobbi's office to thank her for saving her life." Picking up her pen, Laura busily scribbled notes into the margins of the paper. "Then of course if Julie goes to Bobbi's office she'll see the books on the shelf and suspect Bobbi's gay and that would lead in perfectly with the bar scene" Laura's voice trailed off as she flipped pages in her notebook and made additional notes. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Crystal rhythmically squeezing the stress ball. "Jenny gave that to me. She says it's supposed to help when I get stressed."

"Does it?"

"I don't know. If I think of it, I suppose it does. Usually I just go on a cleaning spree."

"You must not think of it often," Crystal said, tossing the ball back on the desk. Laura smiled at the gentle ribbing and set the pen down. "So what are you doing up, anyway? I left you over an hour ago and you were basically dead to the world."

"I dunno." Crystal shrugged her shoulders. "Too many years of working nights, I guess. I woke up to pee and now I'm wide awake." "Still stoned?"

"I still got a buzz on but I'm not stoned stupid like before." She shook her head. "I could work if I had to."

"Well, you still have quite a few hours before that happens," Laura said. "Do you remember what we talked about in the car tonight?"

"No, not too much. I was pretty out of it." Crystal looked down at her lap and flushed slightly. "I know I kept asking you if you were mad at me," she said sheepishly.

"Oh, once or twice a minute." Laura smiled. "It's all right, really," she said, reaching out and giving Crystal's foot a quick squeeze. "I told you I didn't mind and I meant it. And hey, I do appreciate the help with Bobbi and Julie. I'm sure I can make that work."

"Really?"

"Really. Sometimes I just need someone to jump start my creativity." Laura smiled and withdrew her hand from Crystal's foot. "You know " Picking up the notebook, Laura scanned through the neatly scrawled notes. "Yes, I think it will work

I haven't said anything about her past yet so" The pen returned to her hand and more notes were added to the margins. "Why didn't I think of this before? Julie would make the perfect troubled teen." Drawn into full writing mode, Laura pulled the keyboard tray out and began typing rapidly. "Oh, that would be perfect," she said to herself as words started to appear on the screen. The dam holding back her talent had burst open and now nothing mattered but taking advantage of it. So focused on getting the ideas from her mind onto the screen, Laura never noticed when Crystal spoke to her. Endless clacking filled the room as she continued to type, the story coming more and more into focus with each passing word. The back of her mind registered the click of the door when her Crystal left but Laura was too focused on the story to pay any attention. She had long ago forgotten her roommate was in the same room. All that mattered was the scene unfolding on the screen between Bobbi and Julie. For the first time in weeks Laura felt a sense of direction with her story. The writing fever settled in, causing her world to narrow to the fantasy land in her mind and the screen before her eyes.

Time lost all meaning as she continued to write. Hours later, even the rising sun lightening the sky outside failed to capture her attention. The sound of Crystal's alarm clock buzzing through the walls was just another sound tuned out by Laura's mind. Finally the sound of the shower running broke through and caused the writer to break her tunnel vision and look at the clock. Six fifteen? Not believing what her eyes told her, Laura turned and looked at her alarm clock. The red numbers confirmed what the computer had told her. The whole night had been spent writing and if the page numbers were any indication, it had been a productive night at that.

Stretching her arms high above her head, Laura gave a healthy yawn and stood up. Now the bladder that had been quiet all night awoke with a vengeance, making clear what was to be the first priority.

"Oof," Laura grunted when her body came into full contact with the unyielding door. The urgency of the situation caused Laura to forget that Crystal was in the bathroom and thus the door was locked. "Crystal?" Laura banged on the door. "You almost done in there?"

"Gimme a minute," came the reply.

"I can use the one downstairs if you're going to be a while."

"No, I'm done," Crystal said just as she opened the door. The blonde woman found herself not so gently moved out of the way in Laura's dash for the toilet.

"Sorry," Laura said as she watched Crystal shut the door. "I didn't realize how bad I had to go."

"It's all right, I was just finishing up," Crystal said through the closed door. "I'll get the coffee started."

"Okay. I'll be down in a minute." Laura frowned at the balled up towel sitting atop the hamper. That's the quickest way to make this room smell musty, she thought to herself. When Laura left the bathroom, the towel was draped neatly over the shower rod and the countertop was wiped clean.

"Sorry about running you out of the bathroom like that," Laura said when she entered the kitchen. Crystal was at the table, the newspaper in her hand. Laura walked over to the coffee maker and frowned at the half-full pot. "One of these days I'm going to have to break down and buy one of those pause and serve models. I hate waiting for coffee." Laura was unable to stop herself from yawning. "Oh my, I'm just about asleep on my feet."

"Were you up all night?" Crystal asked.

"Yes," Laura said proudly as she walked over to the table. "Once I start writing, nothing else matters. I think I got ten pages done last night." "Well good for you then."

"You know how long it's been since I was able to just sit and type ten pages without stopping?" Laura pulled out a chair and sat down. "I can't believe it. It's like someone turned on a faucet in my brain and everything is just flowing." Yawning, she looked over at the coffee pot. "Maybe you should forget about coffee and just go to bed," Crystal said.

"Oh no, are you kidding? I'm on a roll. Some coffee to wake me up and I'll be good as new." Standing up, Laura walked over to the cupboards. "Cream and sugar, right?"

"Right."

Another yawn escaped Laura's lips as she reached for the mugs. "So what time are you coming home tonight?"

"I dunno. Whatever time I get finished, I guess."

"Do you want me to make dinner for both of us or are you going to stop somewhere along the way to pick up something for yourself?" "Are you offering real food or rabbit food?" Crystal teased.

"You liked my lemon chicken and there's nothing wrong with vegetables." Filling the mugs with coffee, Laura did a quick mental inventory of the refrigerator. "We could have linguine with clam sauce." She licked her lips. "I haven't had that in a long time."

"Clams? Ugh."

"How about some vegetarian chili? I haven't used the crock pot in a while."

"I'll pass on the chili too," Crystal said. "Guess I'll go through a drive-through and get a burger."

"Burgers aren't healthy. Don't you read the health reports?" Laura put the lid on the sugar bowl and turned to catch the look on Crystal's face. "Me? Read the health report?" The blonde woman gave a snort. "Puh-lease."

"Do you have anyi.e.what that does to your body?" Laura set the mugs down on the table and resumed her seat.

"Look who you're talking to," Crystal said. "Do you really think one hamburger is going to do more damage than my smoking and drinking?" Unable to resist, Laura leaned forward and smirked. "You could always quit those too."

"Well not today, Laura. Here." Crystal smiled and pushed the folded up sections of newspaper across the table.

"Thanks." The pair read in silence for a few minutes until Laura piped up from behind her newspaper.

"How about braised chicken and leeks?"

"What's a leek?"

"Now don't be afraid but it's a vegetable."

"Naw."

"So what do you like?"

"I dunno. Don't worry about me. I'll get something."

"Well if you change your mind, call me and I'll whip something up."

"You know, I can swing by the Tom Cat Club and pick up my check. We could order pizza." Crystal set the paper down and reached for her mug. "I'll even compromise and get just mushrooms on it."

Laura smiled at the gesture but shook her head. "I can make a dozen pizzas for what those places charge. I have some dough in the freezer and it's nothing to run out and

" She was unable to stifle a yawn. "Oh excuse me. I was saying it's nothing for me to run out and pick up some cheese and sauce." "Naw, stay home," Crystal said. "You need to catch up on your sleep." She rose to her feet and picked up her now empty mug. "I've gotta get going. See you later."

"Crystal, do me a favor?"

"Sure, what?"

"If you're going to be late, call me, okay?"

"You don't have to worry about me going over to Steph's or anything."

"I know I don't have to worry but I will anyway. Just call if you're going to be late, all right?"

"All right. If I'm gonna be late, I'll call. Anything else, Mother Hen?" Crystal handed Laura the empty mug. "I'll see you tonight."

"Miss Sheridan? Miss Foster will see you now," Jenny secretary said as she hung up the phone. Crystal nodded and entered the therapist's office. "Good afternoon, Crystal. I wasn't expecting to see you again this week." Jenny took a seat on the couch while Crystal took the recliner.

"Yeah well, I dunno." Crystal looked everywhere but at Jenny. The feeling of discomfort that she felt whenever she was in the room felt stronger than ever. "I just thought that since you had the hour open and all

" She picked at a thread sticking out from thee.g.of the armrest. "I didn't like today's meditation."

"And what about it didn't you like?" Jenny countered. "Today's passage was about putting the blame where it belongs, on the abuser and not on the victimized child."

"It's stupid. Of course it's all his fault." Crystal shifted in her chair, finally meeting Jenny eyes. "He's the bastard that couldn't keep his hands off his own kids." Again her fingers went to the dangling piece of thread and began tugging on it as she looked away from the therapist. She waited for a response but Jenny simply continued to look at her. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"What do you want me to say, Crystal?"

"I dunno, something."

"All right. How about you tell me what it is about that passage that has you so riled up today?"

"I don't want to talk about it. It's stupid."

"Your feelings aren't stupid," Jenny said gently. "They may be hard to understand. They may even be too painful to deal with but they are not stupid."

"Easy for you to say, Doc," Crystal snorted. "You didn't live with that bastard." Shifting until her knees were under her chin and her arms wrapped tightly around her calves, Crystal let her eyes settle on a spot on the floor. "You didn't have to put up him throwing your dinner against the wall because he ran out of beer. You didn't have to put up with all the yelling and swearing and screaming and hitting." As she spoke, Crystal's voice grew more agitated and her grip tightened. "You didn't have to hide under your blanket praying for him to die. You didn't have to listen to him" Feeling her throat tighten, Crystal shook her head and clenched her jaw tightly.

"You are right, Crystal," Jenny said. "I wasn't there. I wouldn't know firsthand of all the horrors you've suffered. Only you can tell me what that feels like. Try using I statements."

"You don't-"

"Use I, Crystal."

"I

" The tightness in her throat felt like a vise cutting off her words. "I

I hate him." Tugging hard on the loose thread, Crystal finally succeeding in breaking it free from the recliner.

"Please don't destroy my furniture," Jenny said, planting her feet on the floor and leaning forward until her forearms were resting on her thighs. "If you're feeling destructive, I have a whole chest full of stress relieving aides."

"I'm not feeling destructive," Crystal grumbled, crossing her arms to keep her wandering fingers from going after another loose piece of thread. "Well that's good to hear. So why don't you tell me why you called at lunchtime today looking for an appointment? Something must be troubling you."

Crystal remained silent for a moment, trying to find words to express the turmoil raging inside. Finally she blurted "Why do you make me read that damn book? I hate it."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me remember!" Crystal shouted, her hands balling into fists. "I read that damn thing before I left for work this morning and that's all I could think about all day." She reached for her cigarettes.

"How about a nice piece of sugar free hard candy instead?" Jenny offered, gesturing at the candy dish next to the coffee maker.

"I need a cigarette, not a piece of candy," Crystal grumbled, pushing the pack back into her pocket. Pushing out the chair, she crossed the room and retrieved a Styrofoam cup from the stack next to the coffee maker. "You know throwing shit out a window doesn't require a whole lot of brain power," Crystal said over her shoulder as she prepared her coffee. "I just walked up and down the damn hallway with no one to talk to but myself. Everyone else is in the rooms tearing down walls or whatever the hell it is they're doing in there." Instead of returning to her seat, Crystal walked over to the window and stared out. "I tune out all the different radios playing and get that tunnel vision, you know?" She continued on without waiting for an answer. "I dunno. I just couldn't get that stuff out of my mind. It it just" Crystal shook her head in frustration. The words that wanted to escape were too dangerous to give voice to but nothing else would come forth. "Forget it."

"You know I'm not going to let go that easily," Jenny said. "You said it makes you remember." Crystal stiffened, taking a purposeful swallow of her coffee before turning to meet Jenny's gaze. "What does it make you remember?"

"Everything." Crystal quickly drained the contents of the Styrofoam cup and tossed it in the wastebasket. She looked at the recliner but opted instead to place some distance between herself and the therapist. She planted herself on the blue beanbag, resting her wrists on her knees.

"Does it make you remember how you felt?" Jenny asked gently.

"Angry," Crystal replied, settling her focus on a brightly colored ball made of foam.

"What else?"

"Mad, angry what else are you looking for?"

"Anger masks an emotion we're too afraid to face." Jenny shifted closer, remaining on the couch but now sitting closer to her. "What are you thinking about right this minute?"

"Nothing," Crystal answered quickly, knowing from the look on Jenny's face that her answer would not be accepted. "I was just remembering, that's all." Shoulders shrugging, she reached out with her foot and kicked the ball away.

"Share with me."

"Ah, it's not a pretty story, Doc."

"Tell me," Jenny urged more firmly.

Crystal shifted her position on the beanbag, reaching out and picking up a hand strengthener. "It's like a movie clip playing over and over in my mind," she began, her gaze never leaving the floor. "I'm in my bed and I can hear him coming down the hall." Crystal squeezed the rubber grips until her knuckles were white before releasing them.

"It must have been scary for you, knowing what was going to happen and being unable to prevent it," Jenny prodded.

"There had to be something," Crystal said, increasing the rhythm of her squeezes on the grips. "I should have run away earlier or locked the door or something."

"You tried to run away, several times if I remember correctly. As for locking your door, what do you think your father would have done if you had locked it?"

"I did lock it once." The hand strenthener was tossed onto the red beanbag. "He bashed the door in. It never closed right again." A wry smile came to Crystal's lips and she raised her head to look at the therapist. "He beat the shit out of me that night, Doc." Finding Jenny's serious gaze too much to handle, Crystal looked away. "I think it was only a month or so after that when I finally got away from the bastard." She shook her head. "Nope, nothing but anger in there, Doc. I'm too numb to feel anything else."

Jenny gestured at the red beanbag. "May I?" Crystal reluctantly nodded and watched the therapist settle into a comfortable position. "Crystal, I'd like for you to do something, okay? First, uncross your legs and get comfortable."

Crystal raised an eyebrow and pushed her legs straight out.

"Good, now close your eyes."

"You trying to hypnotize me, Doc? I'm not up to walk around clucking like a chicken."

"I knew there was a sense of humor hidden inside there somewhere," Jenny said with a smile. "I promise I'm not going to try and hypnotize you. Now close your eyes." Crystal did as she was told, allowing herself to be enveloped in darkness. "Good," she heard Jenny say. "Now I want you to think about the clip you keep seeing in your mind." Instantly the vision of lying in her bed listening to the sound of her father's heavy footsteps coming down the hall filled her senses. "I want to think carefully," Jenny continued, her voice low and smooth. "Think about the temperature of the room, the sounds going on around you, the feel of the room around you. I want you to concentrate on the details." The blurred images came into sharper focus.

"I see it," Crystal said.

"Good. Now Crystal, I want you to concentrate. What do you look like?"

"What?"

"Close your eyes. Better. I asked you what you look like in the scene. Describe yourself to me. What are you wearing, how tall are you, that kind of stuff."

"I dunno." Crystal shrugged, her forehead furrowed with thought. "I don't really see myself, just a shape where I'm supposed to be." "Think hard. What did you look like then?"

"I was short for my age. I didn't really sprout until I was sixteen and by then I was out of there so I guess I was probably around five foot or so. Maybe five one or two."

"Where you a strong girl?"

"I did okay in sports but I wasn't a standout or anything."

"So about average for a fourteen year old."

"Yeah, I guess so," Crystal said, the image in her mind gaining shape but still very fuzzy. "I can't see my face, though."

"Do you have any old photographs from when you were younger?"

"No. I didn't think to pack those when I snuck out, Doc," Crystal said sarcastically. "I guess when I think about it I see myself like I am now."

"I want you to think of yourself when you were fourteen. Think about the hair, the pimples, the clothes, everything you can." Jenny's encouragement brought a clearer face to the child in Crystal's vision. "Now," Jenny said gently. "Do you see yourself better?"

"Yeah, I think so," Crystal replied.

"Okay, think about how small you were in comparison to your father."

Crystal flinched at the mention of her father and frowned, knowing Jenny saw her movement as well. "Yeah?"

"I want you to think about something else. Keep that image in your mind." Crystal kept her eyes closed, following Jenny's direction. "Who decided what time you woke up in the morning?"

"My parents did."

"And the time you went to bed at night?"

"They did."

"What about what you ate for breakfast? Dinner? What you wore to school?"

"Them."

"Sounds like you had very little power there," Jenny said.

"I picked out my underwear, that's about it," Crystal replied angrily, old feelings bubbling to the surface.

"So how can you possibly expect yourself, as a teenager with nothing but turmoil and chaos around you to be able to defend yourself against someone so much more powerful than you?"

Unable to think of a quick response, Crystal opened her eyes and looked at her therapist.

"You've never thought about it, have you?" Jenny continued, leaning forward until her knees were only inches away from Crystal's. "When you think about the past, you expect that child to be able to think and act as you would now as an adult."

"No I don't," Crystal protested, hugging her knees closer to her chest.

"Look deep down inside," Jenny insisted. "You keep saying if only I had a stronger lock or if only I had done this or done that. You were a child, Crystal. A little girl at the mercy of someone much bigger and stronger than yourself."

If Jenny said more, Crystal didn't hear it. Her thoughts were far away, in another time and place, where the monsters were real and the person who was supposed to protect her turned out to be her worst nightmare. Crystal tried to stiffen up, to put forth her tough persona, but it felt hollow and empty, even to her. Slumping her shoulders, she let her head fall forward. The painful memories and feelings that had been resurfacing all day finally found the strength to break through the dam and burst forth. Rapid blinking did nothing to ease the stinging in her eyes and Crystal knew the battle was lost. Burying her face into her arms, she felt the hot tears come. Her shaky breathing threatened to turn into an all out sob but years of selfpreservation helped Crystal quickly regain control. Wiping her wet face on her sleeves of her shirt, she stood up and walked over to the window. Looking through the tinted glass, Crystal watched various cars and trucks drive up and down the street. Taking several deep breaths, Crystal began to speak, not at all certain she would be able to keep her emotions in check. "I

I think that's enough for today, Doc."

"You can't run away from yourself," Jenny said gently, her voice coming from just behind Crystal's shoulder. "I know you like to think of yourself as a one woman island capable of existing without human comfort but you aren't."

"I can handle it," Crystal said firmly, refusing to look away from the window as another tear rolled down her face.

"Sure you can, Jane Wayne. Just you, your horse and a trusty six-shooter to kill anyone who comes near you, right?" A friendly hand landed on Crystal's shoulder. "You have a million feelings going through you right now and noi.e.how to sort them all out. I thought that's what you came here to do, not to run away the minute things started getting hard."

Crystal sniffed and wiped her eyes, still refusing to turn around. "I hate this," she said quietly. "I

" She watched a van make its way down the street while she collected her thoughts. "I hate feeling this way."

"What way is that?" the soft voice behind her asked.

"I dunno." Shrugging her shoulders, Crystal moved away, keeping her back to Jenny. Returning to the blue beanbag, she slumped down into it, letting out a deep breath of air when she finally felt in control of her rarely used tear ducts. She watched Jenny return to her beanbag.

"You know, you just don't want to admit it," Jenny said. "I told you no cop outs here." The distant sound of the church bell caused her to look at her watch. "But I'll give you a break tonight. It is getting late. Look at me." She waited until she had Crystal's full attention before continuing. "I want you to go home and write tonight." Ignoring Crystal's groan, she continued. "I want you to write about the dream you keep having. Try to put as much detail in it as you can. Don't forget that the people in your life today aren't the same as the ones in your past. You're around people who care about you. Don't forget to reach out if you need to."

"I don't want to write tonight," Crystal said, rubbing her eyes and standing up. "I just want to get numb."

"Getting numb won't make the pain go away," Jenny replied as she rose to her feet. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a new result. Try doing something different for a change. I guarantee you won't wake up with a hangover."

"It takes a really rough night for me to wake up with a hangover, Doc. I can hold my liquor."

"Yeah, so I've seen," Jenny smirked. "I don't take bullshit either, Jane Wayne. Go home and remember you're a woman, not a tank." "Meaning?"

"Meaning go easy on yourself," Jenny said. "You're a woman who needs comfort from time to time. Don't be so afraid to take it, okay?" "I'll see you Saturday at softball, Doc," Crystal replied, reaching for her keys.

"Hey, rule twenty six." Jenny stood in front of her and reached out. "I believe everyone needs at least five hugs a day. You are way overdue for one, I'm sure."

"You're kidding." As she found herself enveloped in a gentle hug, Crystal knew the answer. "Yeah yeah, okay, you've given me a hug. Leggo now." "Read your meditations, write in your journal and don't forget to reach out to the people who care about you," Jenny said as she pulled back. "I'll see you Saturday."