Crystal's Heart

Chapter Eighth

The parking lot of the liquor store was dark, the overhead light broken some time ago by vandals and never repaired. Crystal parked her car near the front door, wanting as much light around her as possible now that darkness had fallen. Leaving the store with the brown paper bag in her hand, she looked around the dim lot carefully before leaving the safety of the doorway for her car. Once inside the small interior of her Omni, Crystal locked her door and set the bottle on the passenger seat. I can't do this, it's just too hard, she thought to herself, reaching out to start the engine. All I think about is that fucking place and all the shit that happened. Pulling out onto the street, Crystal pushed her foot down hard on the accelerator, quickly passing the speed limit. At least when I'm wasted I don't think about it. The bottle sitting on seat screamed out from within the paper bag but Crystal knew in her present state of mind that if she started drinking, she'd have half the bottle finished before she reached home, if she made it home at all. "Ah, who cares anyway," she said aloud, reaching out for the bottle. Her fingers barely closed around the bag when she saw the bright blue lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "Oh shit," she said, letting go of the bag and reaching for her seat belt. Oh shit, is there any weed in the car? Crystal tried hard to remember as she guided the car to the shoulder of the road. Reaching between the seats and putting the car in park, she shut off the engine and rolled down the window. Did I put the new insurance card in the glove compartment? Crystal looked at the rear view mirror, not at all happy with the sight of the police car parking behind hers. The blue lights continued to strobe incessantly as seconds passed. What are you doing, running my plate? Please just get up here and give me a speeding ticket and go away.

As any marijuana in her glove compartment. The registration is in there. What if he sees something when I reach for it? Maybe I should get it now, just in case. But on the other hand, if he sees me moving around in there, he might become suspicious and want to search the car. That would not be a good thing. Over a week ago she had dropped her pipe and at the time simply kicked it under the front seat. The sound of a car door closing made the decision for her. Do nothing and see what happens.

Crystal's heart began pounding as the uniformed officer approached her vehicle. Watching through her side view mirror, Crystal's eyes grew wide when the cop stopped at her rear bumper and appeared to be looking at something. Don't tell me I have a broken taillight or something. Oh damn, when was the last time this thing was inspected? Wiping the sweat from her upper lip, she nervously poked her head out the window. "Um, is something wrong, officer?"

"Stay in the vehicle, Miss," the deep feminine voice said with authority. Crystal immediately turned around and faced forward, both hands gripping the top of the steering wheel. What if she frisks me? Crystal knew she had rolling papers in her back pocket. Finding those would most surely be enough cause for the policewoman to tear the car apart. Damn damn, this isn't good. She heard her name come over the police radio and the officer respond before walking up to her door. "License, registration and proof of insurance, please."

"Uh ." Crystal shifted in her seat to reach for her wallet, all the while nervously watching as the policewoman shined her flashlight throughout the car's interior. "Um, here's my license. The insurance and registration are in the glove compartment."

"Are there any weapons or illegal drugs in this vehicle, Miss

Sheridan?" The officer's voice sounded familiar to Crystal but she couldn't pinpoint it.

"No." Leaning over and noting that the flashlight beam followed her hands, Crystal reached into the compartment and removed the flimsy plastic sleeve that held the papers for the car. Removing the registration and insurance cards, she handed them over.

"Is this your current address?"

"Um, no. I live in the Terraces." Crystal watched as the officer flipped the license over and scribbled something down on her pad.

"You're required to notify the department of motor vehicles within ten days of any change in address and mark it clearly on the reverse of your license," the officer said, her flashlight still weaving a pattern of light throughout the interior of the car. "Have you had anything to drink tonight?" "No, I'm on my way home," Crystal replied.

"Mm hmm," the officer said noncommittally. A few more notes were scribbled before she put the pad down and took a step back from the car. "Step out of the vehicle, please."

Oh fuck. Taking a deep breath, Crystal unbuckled the seat belt and opened the door. Please let that pipe be waaay under the front seat. She was trying to remember the name of a lawyer when the police officer spoke.

"Aren't you Laura Taylor's new roommate?" Now standing under the street light, Crystal now knew the reason why the voice sounded familiar. It was Alex Duncan, the shortstop from the Falcons softball team.

"Yes," Crystal said happily. The odds of needing a lawyer just dropped considerably. Alex was smiling and leaning against the open door. "I didn't know you were a cop."

"Yeah, it's my job to keep these streets safe at night," Alex replied. "Speaking of which, not a good i.e.to be doing fifty in a thirty five." "Oh, yeah sorry." So much for getting out of a ticket.

"You swear you haven't been drinking?"

"Not a drop." Crystal thought about the bottle sitting on the front seat. "Actually I just picked something up to take home to drink." She motioned at the passenger seat, pointing out what hadn't been visible to Alex's eye before, the whiskey bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag.

"You have a light out over the license plate, by the way," Alex said as she leaned in and removed the whiskey bottle from the bag. "Good thing this seal isn't broken. I would have had to charge you with carrying an open container." Alex returned the bottle to the seat and handed Crystal's documents back to her. "I suppose I can let you off with a warning this time on the speeding but I have to give you a ticket for the defective light." She opened her pad and clicked open her pen. "I'd already started to write it out. No fine if you get it replaced and have this ticket signed by a licensed mechanic or bring it down to the police station to have it checked before dusk tomorrow." Officer Duncan held the pad and pen out. "Signing is not an admission of guilt, only of receipt of your ticket. So you're off work and just heading home to have a few drinks, hm?"

Crystal signed the ticket and handed the pad back to Alex. "Yeah, well"

"Shame I'm on until midnight." Alex stepped out of the way of the door, silently telling Crystal it was all right to get back in the car. "I'd love to buy you a drink sometime," the officer said softly as Crystal walked past her to get into the driver's seat.

"Oh, um yeah." Now that the danger of a search was gone, Crystal smiled at the flirtatious cop.

"I know Laura's number. I'll call you sometime then?"

"That sounds nice," she said, using the same tone she used so many times before on horny men wanting her phone number. "Tell you what. I'm never home. Why don't I give you a call sometime?" Making sure to buckle her seat belt, Crystal tossed the license and other documents on the passenger seat and started the engine.

"There's a speed trap set up near exit six."

"Thanks for the tip. Good night." Crystal began rolling up the window as soon as Alex stepped back. Oh my god, I got away with it. Watching in her rear view, Crystal waited until the police officer was back in her own unit before she pulled away from the shoulder and onto the roadway. That's it. Tomorrow I'm going to clean out the car. The overhead street lights caught the bright white of the ticket sitting on the seat. "Guess I'll be going to the auto parts store too."

"Oh what is that horrid noise?" Crystal shouted as she stepped into the townhouse. The music was coming from Laura's bedroom and as the stripper listened to a few bars, she recognized it as one of the Carpenter's signature songs. Finding the door to Laura's room open, Crystal knocked lightly on the jamb and stepped inside. "Why are you listening to such depressing music?"

"It's not depressing, it's thought provoking," the writer defended as she shut the tape player off.

"Sure, if you're thinking of killing yourself." Crystal walked over to the short file cabinet and sat down atop it. "How ya doing?" "Hello yourself and I'm fine." Laura gestured at the monitor. "I think I got over fifteen pages done so far. It's been a most productive day." "Good for you."

"What's that? Refilling your stock?"

"Yeah well" Crystal set the whiskey bottle on the floor, out of Laura's sight.

"Yeah." Laura let the subject drop. "So how was your day? You look like you've been playing in a dirt pile. Make sure you spot soak those stains with detergent before you put them in my washing machine."

"You're the only person I know who worries about keeping your washing machine clean." Looking at her roommate, Crystal noticed Laura's drawn face and puffy eyes. "Did you take a nap today at all?"

"I didn't have time. Those ideas you gave me yesterday were just what I needed to bring Bobbi and Julie together." Laura stretched in her seat, rolling her head from side to side until she heard a satisfying pop. "I'm almost ready for them to have their first kiss."

"Oh yes, let's get them into bed as soon as possible," Crystal said teasingly. "I think you need a break. Tell you what, I'll make dinner tonight." "You know how to cook?"

"Bite me," Crystal replied, hopping off the file cabinet and retrieving her bottle from its hiding place. "Come on, you need to get away from this depressing music."

As they made their way down the stairs, Laura continued to defend her musical tastes. "The Carpenters aren't depressing. And melancholy music is the perfect setting for the scene I'm working on."

"I hope it isn't a love scene," Crystal quipped as she stepped into the kitchen. "So what are you in the mood for? I know nothing that resembles real food." She opened the refrigerator and glanced at the contents of each shelf. Oh, I didn't know she had green olives hidden in here, Crystal thought to herself, making a mental note to come down later and help herself to a few. "What's this thing that looks like a burger?"

"It a veggie burger."

"How do you cook it? Just like a regular one?"

"Pretty much. I add some fried onions and cheese for flavoring."

"Sounds good. I have a piece of cube steak in here somewhere" Crystal moved jars of unidentifiable concoctions around but her meat was nowhere to be found. "Where is it?"

"I moved it away from my leftover rigatoni. Look on the bottom shelf in the back."

"Of course, why didn't I see it before?" Crystal said sarcastically, moving the baskets of fresh berries out of her way to reach the steak. "Do you have onions and cheese?"

"Cheese is in the dairy compartment on the door and the onions are in the bottom drawer."

Crystal found the ingredients and placed them on the counter. Opening several drawers turned up the good cutting knives. Laura had buried herself in the newspaper, leaving the blonde to her own thoughts. As it did so many times during the day, Crystal's mind went back to the past. It shouldn't keep hurting so much. Picking up the knife, she began slicing the onion. I know what Jenny wants. She wants me to break down and tell her what he did like that's going to make any kind of difference. The force of the knife through the onion increased and Crystal soon felt stinging tears come to her eyes. With her back to Laura and her fingers covered with onion juice, she let the tears fall, knowing it would be worse if she tried to rub her eyes. Bet this would make her happy, seeing me cry like this again. Sniffing and rubbing her cheeks against the upper sleeves of her shirt, Crystal shoved the knife away and scooped the slivers on onion into the frying pan. I miss you Patty. I really need a hug. A small half sob escaped her lips, the onions no longer to blame for the tears.

"You okay?" Laura asked from the table.

Crystal sniffed and lowered the temperature of the burner. "Uh yeah, strong onion, I guess." Everything else could wait a few minutes. "I'm going to step outside for a smoke." Lowering her head and looking away from Laura, Crystal quickly made her way out to the deck.

The moon was still below the tree line, casting very little light on the deck. Gripping the rail with both hands, Crystal faced the darkness, unable to stop the stinging tears from falling. The anger that used to come so easily to her couldn't break through the stronger emotion, pain. The memories of being a lonely girl with no one to turn to refused to go away and Crystal felt herself slipping back to that painful time. She never heard the sliding glass door slide open or Laura stepping out onto the deck. Crystal jumped at the feel of a gentle hand on her back.

"Hey" Laura spoke softly. "Com'mere." Before she could react, Crystal found herself wrapped within Laura's gentle embrace. "I

"

"Shh, it's okay," the writer said. Crystal felt the hold tighten, her head pressed into Laura's shoulder. "Once in a while we all need to just let it out." "I c-can't stop," Crystal sniffled, awkwardly letting her arms go around Laura's back. "It j-just it just hurts so much." Unable to stop herself, she burrowed deeper into the hug, feeling the heat of Laura's body through the thin cotton shirt. The tears fell freely for the first time in many years and Crystal found herself helpless to stop them. Just as she sought comfort in her sister's embrace as a child, Crystal now tightened her grip around Laura's back as sobs wracked her body. As her tears soaked into Laura's shirt, she felt a hand rubbing gently up and down her back. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Crystal felt Laura's grip tighten. "I told you, sometimes we all have to just let it out." The hands rubbing her back and hair stopped. "Do you feel like going inside now?" Laura asked. Crystal nodded and allowed herself to be led through the kitchen and onto the couch where Laura insisted on sitting next to her.

"I-I'm sorry," she said, wiping at her face with her sleeve. "I thought it was the onions but

" She looked everywhere but at Laura, embarrassed by the crying jag. "I'd better get back to dinner." Crystal tried to get up only to find herself held in place by a firm hand on her chest.

"Dinner can wait," Laura insisted. "You're more important." As she spoke, Laura moved her hand up to cup Crystal's chin, forcing their eyes to meet. "Talk to me." Crystal found herself looking into Laura's hazel eyes, finding both care and concern within them. "Come on, Crystal, talk to me," Laura repeated softly.

"I just keep thinking about the past," Crystal said, breaking the gaze and focusing on the laces of Laura's sneaker instead. "My father was such a bastard." Unsure what to say, Laura remained quiet, giving Crystal the time she needed to collect her thoughts. The smell of cooking onions began to filter through the air. Laura made a mental note of it but remained where she was, one arm around the back of Crystal's shoulders. The shrill ringing of the phone interrupted the silence.

"Let the machine get it," Laura said. Three rings later she heard the familiar click and the recorded sound of her own voice. "This is Laura. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message." Beep.

"Laura, it's Jenny," the distorted voice said. "Call me when you get in." There was a click then the room returned to silence. "I saw her today," Crystal said quietly.

"I thought you usually saw her on Mondays?"

Crystal nodded. "I do but I've been feeling like this all day."

"Oh, so she saw you again today?" Crystal nodded. "Good," Laura continued. "What did she say?"

"She said I need to out more, I guess." Crystal shrugged. "I need to talk about what happened " She shook her head. "How am I supposed to talk about something like that?" She looked up at Laura again, still finding the gentle look of concern on her face.

"Just like you're doing now."

"Easy for you to say. I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams," Crystal said.

"Interesting visual image," Laura said. "Maybe you feel that way because there's something inside that's trying very hard to come out." "Now you're sounding like Doc," the blonde said, causing them both to smile briefly. "Maybe," she admitted with a nod, the smile leaving her face. "I told you before if you ever needed to talk, I'd be here."

Crystal nodded and looked away. "I don't think I can."

"I know you can," Laura said firmly. "You're strong. You can handle it."

"Strong?" Crystal snorted. "I don't think so."

"How can you say that?" Laura shifted and waited for Crystal to look at her before continuing. "Have you ever seriously sat down and thought about it? I don't know many people who would have survived what you have. After all the horrible things your family did to you, you still managed to get away and support yourself all these years." Laura shook her head. "At fifteen I was worrying about passing Biology and not getting too many pimples. I don't think I could have made it on the streets all by myself." Laura paused, choosing her words carefully. "Especially if I'd been raped." The word caused an immediate reaction. Crystal stiffened noticeably and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Her eyes took on a faraway look. The now burning onions couldn't be ignored any longer. "I'll be right back," Laura said as she rose to her feet. She went to the kitchen and shut off the burner, deciding that the pan could be cleaned out later. When she returned to the living room, she found Crystal in the same position, lost in deep thought. "Hey."

Crystal looked at her, blue eyes rimmed with red from her crying. Laura fought the urge to pull Crystal into a hug, instead resuming her seat next to the emotionally pained woman. To her surprise, Crystal reached out and grasped her wrist, pulling her hand back to its previous position around the blonde woman's neck. Taking the invitation, Laura wiggled closer until she had Crystal's head resting on her shoulder and their bodies touching. "So do you want to talk or just sit here for a little while?" she asked softly, letting her thumb move back and forth across the curve of Crystal's shoulder.

"Did you have a bike when you were a kid?"

"Um ," Laura replied, remembering now Crystal's habit of changing subjects without warning. "It was purple with a white flowered banana seat and a matching basket on the front."

"I had a bike too. It was Patty's before she gave it to me." Crystal continued to let her head rest against Laura's shoulder, a move that surprised them both. "It was a boy's bike but that didn't matter to us. It was a bike. She won it, you know."

"Patty?"

"Yeah, there was an art contest put on by the school and they gave away a bike to the winner. She bought herself a bigger one at a garage sale with some money she had saved. Patty was good at saving money, not like me."

"Not one of your strong suits, hmm?"

"I never have any money to save but even when I do get some extra, I usually spend it right away."

"I've always been a saver," Laura said. "Dad used to make me put a third of my allowance each week into the bank. By the time I graduated high school I had enough to pay for my own car."

"After Patty bought the ten speed at the garage sale, we used to ride our bikes everywhere. Of course that was before that drunken bastard ran over them with his fucking car. Took us almost a year of returning bottles before we could get new ones." Crystal sat up and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and rubbing her hands together. When seconds passed with no further words from Crystal, Laura wondered if that would be the end of the conversation for the night but finally her roommate began talking again. "I loved having a bicycle," Crystal said. "It gave me freedom. When I was out riding it, no one could touch me." Crystal blinked several times. "He couldn't touch me," she added in a lower voice.

"He can't touch you here either," Laura said softly, hoping to encourage Crystal to continue talking.

"For all I know the bastard could be dead. I wish he was." Crystal sat back and looked at Laura. "I really need a drink and a smoke." "Cigarettes or something else?"

"Does it matter?"

"Depends on whether you want to keep talking or not. If you want a cigarette, we can go out onto the deck. If you want the other, you'll have to go up to your room and I don't want to be around that stuff." Laura hoped she wasn't making the wrong move. It seemed that Crystal was on the verge of really opening up and Laura certainly didn't want to do anything to hinder that but at the same time she didn't want to encourage the drug use.

"I guess a cigarette it is then," Crystal said, rising to her feet. "But it is getting cool out there with the wind and all. Can we go upstairs to my room? I have that orange chair in there that you can sit in if you want."

Laura hesitated, knowing it put the pot within easy reach and she was certain Crystal wouldn't stay away from it for long in her current state. "I'll tell you what. Do you know how to play rummy?"

"Sure, Patty and I used to play it. I kicked her butt."

"You clear a way through that minefield of a room of yours and I'll bring the cards."

"Deal."

It had been several days since Laura had seen the inside of Crystal's room and thus was surprised to see that her assumption of disarray was on the mark. Dirty clothes were scattered about the floor, no doubt remaining where they were originally thrown when Crystal was changing. The small waste basket near the bed was filled to the brim with cigarette butts and empty whiskey bottles. Crystal's newest purchase was sitting on the nightstand, the glass next to it already filled with the amber liquor. Crystal was sitting cross-legged on her bed, the ashtray and lit cigarette next to her. "How do you find your way to the bed?" Laura joked as she pulled the orange chair next to the bed.

"Well the bed doesn't move. I know where it is. I'll pick all this up when I do laundry. Come on, let's play cards."

"Can you light one of those incense before your cigarette kills me?"

"Help yourself. You know where they are. Here."

Laura caught the thrown lighter and soon had an incense stick burning in the holder. Settling into her chair, she smoothed the bedspread and began shuffling the cards. "Regular or gin rummy?"

"Regular. I hate getting caught with all those cards in my hand," Crystal said. She took a long drag on her cigarette before picking up her cards. "So you're always trying to get me to talk about myself. Tell me about you for a change."

"There isn't much to tell," Laura said as she arranged her cards. "What do you want to know?"

"I dunno." Crystal shrugged her shoulders. "When did you figure out you were a dyke?"

"I prefer lesbian," Laura corrected. "And you go first by the way." She waited for Crystal to put a card in the discard pile before reaching for the deck. "I was in college so probably around nineteen or twenty or so." She set three aces down on the bed before tossing a useless queen into the discard pile. "I figured out what I was months before I slept with another woman, though."

"How did you know if you didn't

?"

"You need to throw a card out and I didn't need to have sex with a woman to know that emotionally I could only connect with one. There's more to it than just sex." Laura picked up a card and rearranged her cards, seeing if the jack could be of any use.

"Have you ever been with a guy?"

"Again how do I know if I don't try it, right?" Giving up on the jack, she tossed it on top of the discard pile. "When did you put that run down? I didn't notice." Laura looked through her cards, debating about ruining two possible runs just to play off of Crystal's cards. "And for the record, I have slept with a guy before."

"And?"

"And it was okay but not what I want. A woman is different, I suppose." Setting down a run of hearts, Laura smiled as she set down the discard. "You'd better start moving there, I only have one left."

"So that's where all the damn hearts were," Crystal said, taking another long drag on her cigarette. "I needed that nine and you had it all this time?" "I didn't know you needed it."

"Funny." Crystal tossed the jack of hearts out, not wanting to be caught with a face card should Laura be able to set down her last card and go out. "So what about you? I know you're straight but have you ever

?"

"No. Some greasy old man offered me money once if I'd do it with his girlfriend while he watched but I turned him down." Crystal's eyes lit up when the card she pulled from the top of the pack was the one she had been waiting for. "I'm out," she announced, setting down a five card run and throwing the extra card on the discard pile.

"I see you had all the clubs. Do you want to keep score?"

"Sure. I don't have any paper though."

"Don't worry about it. I'll get some from my room. I'll get a bottle of water while I'm at it and make sure everything is locked up downstairs. Do you need anything while I'm down there?"

"No, I'm all set." Crystal motioned at her bottle of whiskey.

As soon as Laura left the room, Crystal rolled over and opened the nightstand drawer, retrieving a black film case and a silver tube known as a onehitter. Tamping a small amount of pot into one end, Crystal put her lips to the other and lit it, drawing just enough to fill her lungs but not send her into a choking fit. While holding her breath, Crystal reached into the drawer again and pulled out an empty toilet paper tube covered on one end by a dryer sheet. Putting her lips to against the dryer sheet, she blew the smoke into the tube, effectively masking the odor. Crystal was able to take three more hits before she heard Laura coming back up the stairs. Tossing the one-hitter and film case back in the drawer, she shoved the tube under her pillow and was lighting a cigarette when her roommate returned.

Laura didn't notice the narrow eyes right away but her sensitive nose did pick up a strong scent that reminded her of burnt rubber and air freshener. "Did you light a different incense?"

"Um, no but I did just light another cigarette."

"Oh, that must be it then." Laura moved some trash out of her way to make room for her bottle of water on the nightstand. "It's your deal." "Okay. Do you want to play poker instead?"

"You should have said something before I went downstairs. All the game things like the chip racks are in the closet." Laura sat down in the orange chair. "Let's just keep playing rummy. If I go downstairs again, I'll get the chips."

"Okay." Crystal began dealing the cards, smiling to herself. The smile gave way to a snicker.

"What?"

"Nothing," Crystal said, the silly smirk still on her face.

"Come on, share with me."

"It's nothing."

"Yeah, it really looks it," Laura said dubiously.

"You really wanna know?"

"Of course."

"Okay." Crystal paused and looked at the cards in front of them. "How many am I supposed to deal out?"

"Seven." Laura looked at the hands as well. "You misdealt. I have eight and it looks like you have at least nine over there." Laura handed her cards over to Crystal and reached for her water. "So what's so funny?"

Crystal looked up, confused. "Funny?"

"Two seconds ago you looked like you knew the world's funniest joke."

"Oh, that." Crystal shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno. I can't remember."

"Uh huh." It was then that Laura finally noticed the slitted blue eyes. "You got into your pot while I was downstairs, didn't you?" "Um" Crystal looked at her. "If I say yes, will you stay anyway?"

Laura sighed and leaned back in her chair. "I really don't like it but I guess it's too late to do anything about it now."

"I won't have any more," Crystal assured. "I just needed a little to take the e.g.off, you know?" Holding the deck of cards in her hand, the blonde woman shrugged her shoulders and looked down at her lap. "Sometimes things just seem more manageable when I've had some pot." She let the cards fall to the bed and reached for the glass of whiskey. "It's been a really fucked up day." Crystal looked at the bottle sitting on the nightstand. "You really want to know what's funny? My asshole father drank the same kind of whiskey." Draining the glass and setting it down, Crystal picked up the cards. "Seven, right?"

"Right."

Crystal sighed and dealt the cards. "I remember once I was about nineteen or so. I had a really rough day and all I wanted to do was just get drunk and forget about it. I went to a liquor store and bought the first thing I knew would get me rip-roaring drunk, the same whiskey he drank." Setting the rest of the cards in a neat pile between them, she flipped over the first card. "I should have been carded but I guess the guy at the liquor store realized that I really needed it."

"What you needed was someone who cared about you, not to hide inside a bottle."

"Yeah well I certainly didn't have it then, did I?" Crystal replied bitterly. "I think I've done a decent job of taking care of myself all this time. I'm not a junkie or locked up in jail somewhere."

"That's very true," Laura said, picking up a card and looking at her hand. "And I give you a lot of credit for that. I just wish you wouldn't abuse your body with all these drugs and booze. Your turn."

Crystal reached for the whiskey bottle. "What the hell. They abused my body, I abuse my body. What's the difference?" "The difference is you deserve better than that." Laura set her discard down and looked at Crystal. "Maybe they couldn't see what a special person you are but I can."

"You need to get your vision checked," Crystal said. "I don't have a damn thing going for me but my looks and they won't last forever." "You're selling yourself short."

"Maybe, but I'm not like you. I don't have degrees and a family that cares for me or any of that stuff. There's just me and that's not saying a lot."

Laura's grip on her cards tightened at Crystal's words. What is it gong to take to get her to see that she's a worthy person? she asked herself. "You have more than just yourself. You have me and Jenny and we both care for you."

"You know when I was a little kid, when I believed that prayers and dreams could come true if only I wished for them hard enough, I used to dream that someday the authorities would come and say that they've made some terrible mistake and that Patty and I weren't really Sheridans. That they'd come and take us away to our real family, a nice loving family that didn't beat on their kids."

The pain in Crystal's voice tugged on Laura's heartstrings. "You know," the writer said, reaching out and putting her hand on Crystal's knee. "Now there's a wish that I wished had come true for you."

Crystal set the cards down on the bed and leaned back, lacing her fingers behind her hand and resting it on her pillow. "Patty and I used to talk about it. We'd take off to the fields and just lay there under the sun talking about what life would be like if we lived somewhere else." "Did you two talk about what you wanted to be when you grew up?" Laura asked, putting all the cards into a neat stack, assuming the game was over.

"Oh, all the time." Crystal smiled and stared at the ceiling. "She wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer depending on which TV show we watched the night before."

"And you?"

"Me? Oh, I wanted to be many things. I wanted to be a firefighter, a nurse, even a private detective. I loved watching Charlie's Angels." "Sounds like you wanted to help people."

Crystal snorted. "Yeah and all I ended up doing was giving men something to look at so they could go home and jerk off." She shook her head. "It doesn't matter now. Without a high school diploma I'm only good for manual labor or stripping."

"You know you can get your GED if you try hard enough."

"For what?" Crystal lifted her head from the pillow long enough to look at Laura. "Can you see me filing out a job application? Oh where have you worked before? Let's see, I worked at the local strip joint taking my clothes off for money and before that I worked the alley near Smith's. They'd hire me in a minute, right?" Her head flopped back down on the pillow and gave a defeated sigh. "Don't you see, Laura? I can't just start over. I can't escape the past."

"Maybe the goal isn't to escape the past but face it and put it where it belongs." Kicking off her sneakers, Laura put her feet up on thee.g.of the bed. "Face it, accept it, and move on."

"Easy for you to say."

"Yes it is," Laura admitted. "I've never had to go through the things that you have."

Crystal sat up, pressing her back against the headboard, lost in thought. She filled her glass with whiskey and drained it before finally speaking. "Jenny wants me to talk about it. She says it'll help."

"She's the therapist," Laura said. "I'm sure she knows what she's talking about. I know when something is bothering me and I talk about it, it makes me feel better."

"Nothing will make this feel better," Crystal disagreed. "There's this pain deep inside that never goes away." She reached for the whiskey bottle again. "Sometimes it's all I can think about." She took another drink. "How am I supposed to talk about it?"

"You're talking now, just keep going."

"I'm not talking about 'it'. I'm just talking about how it feels."

"That's still better than nothing at all." Sensing Crystal was on the edge, Laura chose her words carefully. "How do you feel right now?" "Other than buzzed and drunk?" Crystal smiled and set the bottle down. "How am I supposed to feel?"

"I don't care how you're supposed to feel. I care about how you do feel."

"I feel like an old rag doll that's been used and tossed aside." Pulling her knees to her chest, Crystal folded her arms and rested her chin on them. For a long time neither spoke, both lost in their own thoughts.

Thinking that perhaps the stone wall had been hit and the conversation was over for the night, Laura wrapped the rubber band around the cards and collected the paper and pen that she had brought into the room with her. She was about to stand up when Crystal began speaking in a halting tone. "I was fourteen," the blonde began, her eyes never looking up from the bedspread. Laura immediately let go of the cards and paper, giving Crystal her full attention. "I knew what he had done to Patty but I never thought he would actually come after me

"

Lying in bed later that night, Laura found herself unable to sleep. The living horror that she had heard relayed from Crystal haunted her mind, refusing to give it any peace. She had expected it to be bad based on what Crystal had alluded to before after hearing the actual details, Laura found it to be much harder to handle. She left the emotionally drained Crystal and returned to her own room, fully expecting to be able to just crawl between the sheets and fall asleep. Now an hour later, the night shadows on the walls kept her wide open eyes company. Reaching in the dark, she found the telephone and pressed in the familiar number.

"Hello?" the groggy voice answered.

"Jen? It's Laura."

"What time is it?"

"I don't know. After midnight, I'm sure."

"What's wrong?"

"I just needed to talk. Crystal and I had a long talk tonight."

"How is she?" Jenny's voice was clearer, the thickness caused by sleep quickly disappearing.

"Pretty good considering all she's been through." Laura sighed and rested her head against the headboard. "I don't know how she managed to survive as long as she did. Has she gotten into detail with you about her father?"

"Laur, you know I can't answer that."

"Yeah, I know but I just can't help thinking about it. What a bastard he was. Even if half of what she says is true, he was a monster that should have been castrated a long time ago."

"We can't talk about Crystal or anything about her life that she tells you, no matter how bad it is but I will say this, I have no doubt if she told you something about her past that it was most likely true. At least as true as memory will allow." Laura heard the sound of Jenny moving about her apartment. "By the way," her ex-lover continued. "It's quarter to one."

"I'm sorry about calling so late but I just can't get to sleep. I just keep seeing her as a teenager unable to protect herself from him." "You can't change the past."

"I wish I could," Laura said earnestly. "If I had been there, I would have"

"You would have been just a few years older than her and in no position to play Wonder Woman," Jenny interrupted. "If her own sister couldn't protect her, what makes you think you could have?"

"But"

"But nothing. You can't change what happened to her. All you can do now is help her pick up the pieces and heal from it."

"How do you get over something like that? I mean I know people are raped and most get past it with time but how can she recover from being attacked night after night?"

"Laura, you're getting close to crossing the line here," Jenny warned. "Hell, we've probably passed it already. If the state board ever got wind of this "

"Forget the board for a minute, Jen. This is Crystal we're talking about."

"No, we're not talking about her, we're talking about you and how you're going to handle being friends with someone who is a survivor." Jenny sighed. "I'm sorry if I sound grouchy but you can't wake me up from a sound sleep and expect me to be in the best frame of mind here, especially when you keep wanting to push the envelope. Don't you understand if she ever found out we talked about this that it could ruin her trust in me?"

"So what am I supposed to do?" Laura asked, running fingers through her hair. "All right, look at this way. I have a friend who's been raped. What can I do to help her get past it and move on with her life?"

"The best thing you can do is just be there to listen. Don't treat your friend any differently than you do today. If she wants to talk let her but don't try to force conversations about it."

"And if she wants to destroy herself with drugs and alcohol?" Laura heard yet another sigh through the phone. "Come on, Jen. How am I supposed to keep her from going off the deep end with the booze and pot?"

"You can't. You just have to make sure you don't get so deeply involved that you become an enabler and make the problem worse. Maybe an AlAnon meeting or two would be good for you."

"I need Al-Anon?"

"And why does that thought bother you so much?" Jenny asked. "If someone else's drinking is a problem for you, then you need Al-Anon." "I don't need Al-Anon," Laura said adamantly. "I just wanted to know how to help Crystal."

"It's time to say goodnight, Laura," Jenny said. "Your stubborn streak is coming out and I'm too tired to fight with you about it. Remember tomorrow that she's the same person she was yesterday and the day before. If she doesn't do what you want when you want it and it bothers you, that's your problem, not hers. Be her friend, that's what she needs, not a superhero to fly in and rescue her. It's too late for that."

"Sometimes I wonder which of us is more stubborn," Laura sighed. "All right, all right. I'll try to keep what you said in mind but I still think there's something more I can do than just sit here and be a sounding board."

"Try being her friend."

"Hey, why did you call before? We were home but we were talking and I didn't think it was a goodi.e.to get up and answer the phone." There was a pause before Jenny answered. "I was concerned and just wanted to see if Crystal made it home okay."

"Uh huh. Doing a good job keeping friend and therapist separate, aren't you?"

"Hey, a good therapist can call the home of her patient if she's concerned."

"When was the last time you called a patient's home for anything other than to reschedule an appointment?"

"My secretary takes care of the appointments and I'm going to take the fifth on the rest of that question. Get some sleep. Goodnight Laura." "Night Jen. Thanks for listening."

Hanging up the phone, Laura found talking with Jenny did little to slow down her racing mind. That doesn't help. There has to be a way to get her past this, there just has to. But how? Knowing that sleep was a lost cause, Laura sat up and slipped her feet into her slippers. I have to get that frying pan cleaned or those onions will be stuck there permanently. Stepping out of her room, Laura was torn between going downstairs and cleaning or checking on Crystal. That's silly. She's sound asleep and safe. Besides, I don't want to scare her or anything. As if it had a mind of its own, Laura's hand reached out and closed around the doorknob. I won't go in, I'll just open the door a little and see if she's sleeping okay. She could be having a nightmare or something.

The light in the hall provided little illumination in Crystal's room but the night light plugged into the wall did give enough for Laura to see that her roommate was indeed sound asleep, a light snore coming from her lips. Good. Satisfied that everything was all right, Laura made her way downstairs to spend the rest of the night cleaning.