Finding Audrey

MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

Camera pans around the living room. It is in semi-darkness. Mum is gazing raptly at the TV. Dad is surreptitiously on his BlackBerry. Frank is staring at the ceiling.

Music crashes from the TV. The camera pans to the TV screen. Black-and-white writing reads ‘The End’.

MUM

There! Wasn’t that amazing? Wasn’t it just the most gripping story?

FRANK

It was all right.

MUM

‘All right’? Darling, it was DICKENS.

FRANK

(patiently)

Yeah. It was Dickens and it was all right.

MUM

Well, it was better than one of your inane computer games, you have to admit that.

FRANK

No it wasn’t.

MUM

Of course it was.

FRANK

It wasn’t.

MUM

(erupts)

Are you telling me that your ridiculous games can compete with a classic Dickens story? I mean, take the characters! Take Magwitch! Magwitch is unique!

FRANK

(unimpressed)

Yeah, there’s a Magwitch character in LOC too. Only he has, like, a better backstory than the Dickens one. He’s a convict, the same, but he can help any competitor.

AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)

He transfers powers.

FRANK

Except the competitor has to take on one of his crimes and pay the penalty—

AUDREY (V.O.)

Exactly. So you have to choose which power structure to go in at. And—

FRANK

Shut up, Aud! I’m explaining. Except you don’t know which penalty you’ve got till they make the choice. So it’s like a gamble, only the more you play, the more you can work it out. It’s awesome.

Mum is looking from Frank to Audrey and back again, in total bafflement.

MUM

OK, this makes no sense to me. None. What power structures? What is that?

FRANK

If you played, you’d find out.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Magwitch is a pretty amazing character.

MUM

Exactly! Thank you.

A slight pause.

MUM

The Dickens Magwitch or the LOC Magwitch?

AUDREY (V.O.)

The LOC Magwitch, of course.

FRANK

The Dickens one is just a bit . . .

MUM

(sharply)

What? What’s wrong with the Dickens Magwitch? What could be wrong with one of the great literary characters of our time?

FRANK

He’s less interesting.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Exactly.

FRANK

Two-dimensional.

AUDREY (V.O.)

I mean, he doesn’t DO anything.

FRANK

(kindly)

No offence. I’m sure Dickens was a great guy.

MUM

(to DAD)

Are you hearing this?