Finding Audrey

MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

LONG SHOT: Linus and FELIX are sitting in the garden. They have a chessboard between them and appear to be playing chess.

The camera pans closer and their voices become audible. Felix moves a piece and looks triumphantly at Linus.

FELIX

Chess.

Linus moves a piece.

LINUS

Chess.

Felix moves a piece.

FELIX

Chess.

Linus moves a piece.

LINUS

Chess.

He looks at Felix seriously.

LINUS

This is a good game you invented, Felix.

Felix beams at him.

FELIX

I know.

LINUS

What do you call it again?

FELIX

Squares.

Linus is struggling to keep a straight face.

LINUS

That’s right. Squares. So why don’t we say ‘Squares’ when we move the pieces?

Felix looks at him pityingly, as though he’s a little dim.

FELIX

Because we say ‘Chess’.

Linus looks at the camera.

LINUS

That tells me.

Mum comes into the garden.

MUM

Linus! You’re here! Marvellous. Now, you speak German, don’t you?

LINUS

(warily)

A bit.

MUM

Great! Well, you can come and help me decipher my new dishwasher instructions. The whole leaflet’s in German. I mean, German. I ask you.

LINUS

Oh. OK.

As he gets up, Felix grabs onto his leg.

FELIX

Lin-us! Play Squares!

At this moment FRANK comes into the garden and brandishes a gaming magazine at Linus.

FRANK

Linus, you have to see this.

AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)

What is this family LIKE? Stop trying to kidnap my boyfriend, everyone. OK?