Finding Audrey

MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

The camera enters the kitchen, where Frank is hunched over Dad’s laptop.

AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)

So, we had the fête today. It was OK. I won this in the raffle.

A hand picks up a fluffy pink loo-roll cover from the kitchen table.

AUDREY (V.O.)

You put it on your loo roll. Isn’t it, like, the grossest thing you have ever seen?

She replaces the loo-roll cover.

AUDREY (V.O.)

But everyone LOVED the food. I mean, it all sold out in, like, five minutes, and it got a special mention from the mayor.

The camera focuses in on Frank. He’s watching a YouTube video of a chef chopping.

FRANK

D’you think Mum would buy me a set of knives? Like, proper knives?

AUDREY (V.O.)

Dunno. How much do they cost?

Frank opens a new window on the laptop.

FRANK

These ones are £650.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Yup, that’s really gonna happen.

FRANK

You need good knives. Ade says I can come and learn some more skills at the pub. Only I have to do a bit of washing up or whatever – but you know, if I do that, he’ll teach me.

He looks up, his whole face alive.

AUDREY (V.O.)

That’s amazing!

FRANK

He has this whole thing that he does with a blow torch. He singes a chicken.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Wow. Well, it was delicious food. No one could stop talking about it.

FRANK

The Waldorf needed more seasoning. That’s what Ade said.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Tasted OK to me.

The camera moves out of the kitchen and towards the garden door. There it pauses. We see Mum and Dad standing by the playhouse, talking in low voices. Mum is holding a letter and gesticulating furiously with it at Dad.

MUM

I can’t believe they would even ask this.

DAD

Anne, don’t take it personally.

MUM

How can I not take it personally? How can they have the gall? The nerve?

DAD

I know. It’s preposterous.

MUM

It’s monstrous! Do you realize how much damage they could do to Audrey? I’m going to email this woman tonight, and I’m going to tell her what I think of her and—

DAD

I’ll send it.

MUM

(fiercely)

Well, I’m contributing. And you’re NOT censoring me, Chris.

DAD

We’ll work out an email together. We don’t want to be too antagonistic.

MUM

Too antagonistic? Are you joking?

AUDREY (V.O.)

About what?

Both parents whip round in shock.

AUDREY (V.O.)

What’s going on?

MUM

Audrey!

DAD

It’s nothing, sweetie.

MUM

Nothing for you to worry about. Um, wasn’t the fête fun?

There’s a pause as the camera surveys their anxious faces and zooms in on Mum’s hand, clutching the letter.

AUDREY (V.O.)

(slowly)

Yes. It was super-fun.