Finding Audrey

MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

Frank sits at the top of the stairs. He addresses the camera.

FRANK

Oh my God. That was the single worst experience of my life.

AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)

No it wasn’t.

FRANK

(scowls)

You don’t know. Maybe it was.

He sags against the banister.

FRANK

Why does Dad want to play old-man rock with me? Why?

AUDREY (V.O.)

To stop you playing computer games.

Frank gives her a dark look.

FRANK

Thanks, Einstein.

AUDREY (V.O.)

I’m just telling you. They want you to have other interests.

FRANK

(explodes)

I don’t want any other interests! What’s wrong with gaming?

AUDREY (V.O.)

I didn’t say anything was wrong with gaming.

FRANK

Gaming develops your reaction times, it helps teamwork and strategy, it teaches you stuff . . .

AUDREY (V.O.)

(sceptically)

It teaches you stuff? What stuff?

FRANK

OK, you want to know? (He counts off on his fingers.) Minecraft – architecture. Sim City – how to manage a population and budget and shit. Assassin’s Creed – ancient Rome and the Borgias and, like . . . Leonardo da Vinci. Everything. All the history I remember comes from Assassin’s Creed. None from school. All from gaming.

AUDREY (V.O.)

What have you learned from LOC?

FRANK

(grins)

Mostly Korean curse words.

(suddenly shouts)

SHEEBSEKEE!

AUDREY (V.O.)

What does that mean?

FRANK

Use your imagination.

From downstairs, Mum calls.

MUM

Frank! Audrey! Lunch time!

Frank doesn’t even seem to hear.

FRANK

You know, in lots of countries LOC is a spectator sport? You know they have arenas?

AUDREY (V.O.)

I know. You told me, like, a million times.

FRANK

You know in the States they have LOC scholarships at some universities?

AUDREY (V.O.)

You told me that too.

FRANK

LOC is sophisticated. It has its own language. It has rules. It’s like . . . it’s like fucking Latin. That’s what it’s like. Latin. And Mum and Dad are, like, ‘Oh it’s so evil.’ What if I was addicted to Latin?

A long pause.

AUDREY (V.O.)

I honestly can’t imagine that.