Harm's Reach

26

That night, Ren and Ben sat on the sofa in Annie’s house after dinner. She told him about the investigation, and the Princes’ surrogacy.

‘I wonder what it would be like to fake a pregnancy,’ said Ren. ‘Like, it must be weird to have to keep up a whole nine-month lie, ten-month lie, whatever length pregnancy is supposed to be now. I mean, it must take a special kind of... I don’t know...’

Ben laughed. ‘You’d know all about lying, undercover agent Remy Torres.’

Pause. ‘Hey, that’s different,’ said Ren. ‘I’m not lying to the people I love.’

‘So, where exactly did you tell your family you were for that whole year you were living with a crime queen in a drug compound?’ said Ben.

‘Living with a crime queen... Jesus. And where do you tell your family you are?’ said Ren.

Ooh, this wine is performing well tonight.

‘Now, I tell them I’m under covers... with a hot bitch.’

‘Ha, ha,’ said Ren.

She grabbed the bottle of wine and poured the last of it between them.

‘Anyway, this isn’t about me,’ said Ben. ‘I don’t think it takes a special kind of anything. It’s just... it is what it is. I don’t know what you expected me to say.’

‘I don’t come to conversations with expectations,’ said Ren.

‘Okaay.’

‘Do you?’ said Ren.

‘No, but... where are we going with this conversation?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Ren. ‘Do we need a destination?’

Ben made a face.

Don’t look at me like I’m nuts.

‘I just resent you tying me and work into this,’ said Ren. ‘I mean... what’s your point?’ That I have the capacity to lie to people I love? Which I actually do. Which I hate.

‘I don’t have a point,’ said Ben.

‘That’s ridiculous,’ said Ren. ‘Of course you have a point.’

‘I don’t,’ said Ben. ‘Relax.’

Relax?!?!?!?!?

‘Relax?’ said Ren. ‘Seriously?’

‘Yeah, seriously. What the hell?’

‘I’m talking about a woman faking a pregnancy and you’re talking about—’

‘OK, correct me if I’m wrong,’ said Ben, ‘but didn’t you infiltrate that gang by pretending to Domenica Val Pando that you had lost a baby? I mean, that’s what we were taught... use anything to make an entrance...’

Oh my God. I had completely forgotten that. How could I have forgotten that? ‘I... I... cannot believe you’re bringing that into this. It’s completely different.’ How can you not see that?

‘How can you possibly think that that’s completely different?’ said Ben.

‘It’s work!’ said Ren.

‘But, say you’re a celebrity and you’re faking it because your body is your fortune and you don’t want to ruin it and you’re going on tour, so you don’t want to be pregnant or whatever... that’s work too.’

‘That’s bullshit!’ said Ren. ‘And why are we even having this conversation?’

‘You tell me,’ said Ben.

‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’ said Ren.

‘Nothing! You started talking about people lying...’

Fuck this. ‘I don’t think it’s very fair you bringing up UC stuff. It just gives me the creeps that you learned about me or had that kind of access to me before we met. I guess I’ve only just realized that.’

‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ said Ben. ‘I had access to a case study of an agent called Remy Torres, of her undercover process. Two very different things.’

‘Don’t bet on it,’ said Ren. ‘You can honestly separate what you know about me professionally?’

‘Yes.’

‘You can honestly look at me and not think “my girlfriend lay with a gun to her head, while a woman was raped right in front of her” and not think “my girlfriend must be very fucked up after that” or “my girlfriend got close to a beautiful little brown-eyed boy, took the place of his psycho mother for a year, then abandoned him” and not think “my girlfriend is one heartless bitch”?’

‘What are you doing to yourself?’ said Ben. ‘What is with the torture? I don’t think any of those things. I’m not fucking around here, Ren. We’re together six months. I know all this about your past. I have known all along. If you want to push me away, give one big push, OK? Don’t do lots of little ones, so I don’t realize I’m at the edge of the cliff until I’m at the bottom.’

Whoa.

‘Is that a little too honest for you?’ said Ben. ‘Is that scaring you?’

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

‘I separate you and your work,’ said Ben. ‘Just as I’d like to think you do with me.’

‘The difference is I don’t know anything about your UC work,’ said Ren.

‘Well, I’d be happy to tell you.’

‘You honestly think I want to know what tramps you’ve fucked and what titty bars you’ve hung out in and what nasty shit you talked and—’

Stop. Listen to yourself. Stop.

‘Stop,’ said Ben. ‘Let’s just end this right now.’ He stood up.

End what? Panic. Panic.

‘This is going nowhere,’ said Ben. ‘It feels to me like you just want to argue for the sake of it. And I’m not interested.’

He got up, grabbed his jacket and left.

Ren ran to the window. She watched Ben get into his rental car, slam the door and drive off.

Breathe. Breathe.

She sat down on the sofa.

What an asshole.

I can’t believe I said all that to him.

Tramps and titty bars... what the hell? He is a kind man. What am I saying to him? He is honest, and sweet and problem-free. Maybe he’s not honest. Maybe he is a liar. Maybe he has been lying to me all along.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

I am a psycho. I am one of those psycho girlfriends. But I’m not. I’m really not. Hey, aren’t the meds supposed to stop this kind of shit? Oh my God, is this my real personality? Am I a psycho?