Harm's Reach

52

Ren looked at Jesse Coombes and the destruction wrought by the boy’s own father, a man who chose to dictate to the world how they should live, while living an entirely different way himself.

I will never understand the mind of people like that. Live, let live. Or shut the fuck up.

‘When you heard about your father, how did it make you feel?’ said Ren.

Jesse smiled. ‘Now you sound like a counselor.’

‘OK,’ said Ren. ‘How about you tell me how you reacted...’

‘Well...’ said Jesse. ‘I couldn’t sleep, thinking about it all... and at about five a.m., I’d had enough. I went outside, I walked and walked and I ended up in the grounds of the abbey. I didn’t even know I had crossed over. But I was there and then I was past the chapel and then, then I came across this cemetery. It was all overgrown, all these people’s memorials just covered in weeds and stuff, and I just thought of people’s legacies being destroyed and it was all just so depressing. I thought of my time on earth, my father’s, everyone’s. I pulled away a few weeds to read the headstones and I see a little baby grave and it just... it just broke my heart. I thought of myself, how shitty my father is, how hard he’s made things for me, all my life, and I felt ungrateful. I felt spiteful and unforgiving and unloving. I felt like I was judging, when I am not the one to judge. Only Our Lord shall judge. I looked at that little baby’s name carved into that stone and I thought, she didn’t stand a chance, she did not stand a chance in this world. Baby Ward. I cleared away the rest of the weeds and I kept on clearing and I kept on clearing. By then, it was breakfast time and I... I had to go. But when I was at breakfast, I realized that I had left this pile of scrub just there in the cemetery, and I thought about the wildfire that just happened and I thought about how hot it was and how stupid I’d been and then I decided that I couldn’t leave everything there, but that if I set some kind of controlled fire in the cemetery, it would look like a hate crime or something. So I got one of Kendall’s cars and picked up all the weeds and scrub and stuff, put them in the trunk, and drove it back to the fire pit. I threw all the weeds in there and lit it on fire, you know, so it could burn safely... As I was watching the flames, I started thinking about my father and his new baby and how he lies all the time, and I had horrible thoughts and I felt horrible that any part of me was like my father and... the journal... the journal was part of that. So I went to my room, I got it, and I came back. My plan was to throw it in there. That’s when Morgan Greene showed up.’

‘Did you know him?’ said Ren.

‘I knew him to say hello to, from him working at the ranch.’

‘What did he say to you?’ said Ren.

‘He grabbed the journal from me, wanted to look at it,’ said Jesse. ‘We struggled, it dropped, I kicked it into the fire pit, but it didn’t land in the flames. He reached down and grabbed it out, started looking at it.’

‘That can’t have been easy,’ said Ren.

‘No, ma’am,’ said Jesse.

‘What happened next?’ said Ren.

‘Well, he said that if I wanted it back, we could come to some arrangement.’

‘And you really wanted it back,’ said Ren.

‘Yes, ma’am,’ said Jesse. ‘He said he would take care of the accelerant, set the car I’d used on fire. He’d do all that stuff. All I had to do was keep my mouth shut. He wouldn’t say I did it, I wouldn’t say he did it, but enough doubt would be cast that no one could really be sure. He was lying, though. Once he knew that the car was burnt out, he went straight to the Faules and told them he had seen me hanging around the fire pit. My clothes stank. It was obvious.’

‘How did the Faules react?’ said Ren.

‘They were angry at first,’ said Jesse. ‘But then they were very understanding when they heard about the situation with my father. I had to take the hit. I couldn’t tell them that Morgan Greene had forced me into it, because he still had the journal. Kristen scheduled extra therapy for me, and she and Kenneth agreed to pay for Mr Kendall’s car.’ He paused. ‘What happened with Conor’s aunt later that day... that was something no one expected. I’m sure the Faules didn’t want to have to lie to you — they’re good Christian people — but I think they’d already gone so far.’

‘How the Faules responded to all this was their choice, Jesse, and it’s not something for you to worry about,’ said Ren.

‘But I—’ said Jesse.

‘You made a bad judgment call,’ said Ren, ‘because of an emotional situation you found yourself in.’

‘I should have known better,’ said Jesse. ‘I’d been getting help.’

‘It takes time,’ said Ren. ‘You have to be patient.’

But you don’t get off that lightly.

Ren shifted her seat a little forward. ‘Jesse, could you tell me a little more about your feelings for Conor Gorman?’

Jesse reddened. He shook his head. ‘Please don’t... please don’t ask me that. It’s embarrassing.’

‘I’m afraid these are the questions I need answers to,’ said Ren.

‘I tried to burn the journal for a reason,’ said Jesse.

‘And what was that reason?’ said Ren.

‘I’m not that person any more,’ said Jesse. ‘It’s like what you said about your journal.’

Ren nodded. ‘What person is that?’

‘I don’t really know. Intense?’

Ren waited.

‘Maybe I care about people a little too much,’ said Jesse. ‘I have a lot of love. I have all the Lord’s love inside me, because I need to have enough to give to each and every person who does not believe that they have it, that they were born with it, that the Lord placed it right there for them, the same way as He placed their eyes and ears and their ten fingers and their ten toes. It’s just you can’t see it.’

Alrighty, then... You can only suppress the crazy for so long.

‘So I have to show them that it’s there,’ said Jesse. ‘But people often aren’t open to that. They’re afraid. So you have to hide it until a time comes when you can release it. Only then can I stand before them and let them know about that love and have them walk away with that love in their hearts. Can you imagine what storing all that love feels like? Maybe... I don’t know... but maybe when I wasn’t standing up in front of crowds any more, maybe when I wasn’t sending all of that love out there, there was too much of it left inside me. And when only one or two people are getting all that love that I have to give... hundreds-and-thousands-of-people worth of love... maybe they won’t ever understand.’

Or maybe some day, someone will.

‘Did you ever consider that Conor’s aunt wanted to take him away from the ranch?’ said Ren.

‘No,’ said Jesse.

‘Did he say anything like that?’ said Ren.

‘No,’ said Jesse.

‘What does “Rubyman” mean, Jesse?’ said Ren.

‘It’s one of my father’s terms,’ said Jesse. ‘I am to invoke The Rubyman when faced with danger. He is my inner strength, The Rubyman. Rubies ward off evil, restrain lustful thoughts—’

‘Who were you having lustful thoughts about?’ said Ren.

Again, Jesse reddened.

‘OK, let’s save that question,’ said Ren. ‘Let’s get back to The Rubyman... so he’s not the devil?’

Jesse looked horrified. ‘No, no, no. The opposite. And The Rubyman is what’s inside me — it’s not someone else. It’s not an external power.’

‘Can you explain how The Rubyman related to Dominic Fisher?’ said Ren.

Jesse’s eyes went wide. ‘How did you know about that?’

‘That doesn’t matter,’ said Ren. ‘But, please explain that to me.’

‘He was guiding me into dark ways,’ said Jesse. ‘He got me stealing, hotwiring cars. He... I was taking the wrong path.’

‘And the photos of Dominic Fisher that you had on that secret cell phone?’ said Ren.

‘I... I didn’t want to send that girl photos of my body,’ said Jesse. ‘The girl in Austin. I... I... wasn’t as buff as Dominic. I didn’t work out. I’m so ashamed. So, I took photos of him, he had no clue, and I sent her those instead, like, with his head chopped out of them. I told her it was because of who I was... that I couldn’t get caught with ones that had my face in them.’

‘It was my understanding that you took those photos of Dominic Fisher for yourself,’ said Ren.

‘No, oh my gosh, no,’ said Jesse. ‘They were for her. Who told you that?’

Someone very eager to misinterpret the actions of an evangelist.

Someone not unlike myself...

‘And she sent you nude photos,’ said Ren.

‘Yes, but that wasn’t what I wanted... I didn’t ask for them.’ He shrugged. ‘But I probably shouldn’t have kept them, I know.’

‘In what way,’ said Ren, ‘did you believe that Conor Gorman was guiding you on the wrong path if you were also invoking The Rubyman because of him?’

Jesse frowned. ‘Um... I... his anger. He kind of feeds in to anger, and I don’t like that. I was worried that I was beginning to do the same. Anger scares me. I like Conor a lot, he’s my friend, but... I’m not sure he’s very good for me.’

‘In what way?’ said Ren.

‘He’s kind of aggressive,’ said Jesse. ‘That’s all. He’s cool, though. But... the things he’s done, like running away, the bar fight, all that. I’m here at the ranch because I want help. I need it.’

‘Tell me about the photos of Conor,’ said Ren.

‘He asked me to take them,’ said Jesse.

What?! ‘Why?’

‘I have no idea,’ said Conor. ‘He wanted one of his tattoo, anyway.’

‘What did you take them with?’ said Ren.

He paused. ‘The camera from the photography class. I borrowed it. I printed them out there when the teacher was out of the room.’

‘And why did you still have them?’ said Ren.

‘Conor didn’t want them any more, told me to get rid of them. I was just trying to kill two birds with the one stone.’ He looked at Ren. ‘I’m sorry about all this. I want to take responsibility for my actions. I don’t want to be like my father. I don’t want to ever hear the word Rubyman again.’

Me neither.

‘My father looks outward for somewhere to lay the blame for his own actions,’ said Jesse. ‘He created this myth, so he could blame that for his wrongdoings. Like, if The Rubyman did not come forth when called, then it was his absence that was the issue. That way, my father can’t lose. He has all kinds of people, real and imagined, to blame his actions on.’

‘It sounds to me like your therapy is working,’ said Ren.

‘Thank you,’ said Jesse, ‘because if I end up like my father, the Lord’s work will have been in vain.’

Still holding a torch for the crazy, bless your heart.