Harm's Reach

69

Ren was lying in bed beside a sleeping Ben Rader. He had arrived that night. They had gone to Gaffney’s, Everett was there, Janine was there. Everyone was welcoming, everyone partied.

Ren lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, her head still swimming a little.

This was the best night I’ve had in I can’t remember. I love this beautiful man lying beside me. And he loves me.

How did I get so lucky?

She took a deep breath.

I should have worked out Ingrid Prince sooner. I could have been sharper.

Ren looked down at Ben and wondered if she could wake up beside him every morning. She hadn’t lived with anyone in almost two years... since Vincent. She didn’t particularly like living alone, but then, if she was living with someone... if she was living with Ben... what if he was a total nightmare?

I like things the way they are. I don’t like change.

Trigger.

But Ben is easy. He’s laid back. Nothing upsets him. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him complain.

That’s weird.

He doesn’t get stressed out about anything.

That’s even weirder.

He’s such a brilliant cook.

He tidies up after himself!

He’s so organized.

Oh my God.

I am the nightmare to live with.

He is the one who needs to give all this some serious consideration.

She looked down at him.

Conor Gorman reminded me of you; the darkness, the edge, the magnetism. Maybe loving you blinded me to that. If I didn’t love you, maybe I would have looked closer at him. I wouldn’t have believed he was good, like you are.

Maybe I can’t do this job and love. Maybe love and work are incompatible. That’s depressing. Why am I having sad thoughts? I’m a happy person. My default setting is happy. This was a great night. Do I just believe that goodness is wrong?

She stroked Ben’s face.

I’d keep sleeping if I were you. Things are easier with me when you’re asleep.

She stared at the ceiling a little more, waited for her body to relax, her mind to quiet. An hour passed. Finally, she got up and went into the bathroom.

Ooh... looking good.

I would have worked out Ingrid Prince sooner... if I wasn’t... repressed.

If my thoughts weren’t...

Inhibited.

Reined in.

Ren opened the medicine cabinet and took out her bottle of pills. She shook one onto her palm.

Yes. I feel good.

But not amazing.

Still, though... stable is good.

She leaned on the sink.

And ordinary.

Remember: you can’t associate stability with ‘ordinariness’.

I feel good.

She sucked in a huge breath.

But not amazing.

She looked into the mirror.

I want to see giant pupils and sharper cheekbones. I want to feel hollowness in my lungs. I want my head to feel like it’s a vast hangar waiting to be filled with magical magic things. I want my heart to surge. I want to drink and fuck and laugh all night, every night.

She studied the pill...

Stabilizer, stabilize thyself!

She tipped her hand.

Ha!

The small white pill slid down the plughole.

Ren looked back up at the mirror and smiled.

Come on, Mr Mania, take me back.

Supersize Me.