Harm's Reach

40

Ben had arrived at Ren’s at six and she was there to meet him. She left him in the shower so she could start dinner. He came down with his hair still wet, wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her neck. ‘I just want to make sure you’re OK after everything we talked about the last time,’ he said. ‘I didn’t want you to worry that I was freaking out while I was gone.’

‘No...’ said Ren, ‘I wasn’t worried at all.’

He smiled. ‘OK. That’s good.’

‘I did a little research on the whole bipolar thing...’ he said.

‘Or the two halves of the bipolar thing...’ I am high-larious.

He made the sound that people make when their attempt at serious conversation has been thwarted.

‘Seriously, though, I wouldn’t make a habit out of researching,’ said Ren.

‘It was very interesting...’ said Ben.

Yes: if you’re feigning clinical objectivity and emotional detachment.

‘You can’t unknow some of the things, though,’ said Ren. ‘And not all of it will be me. Just so you know. Every bipolar person is a special kind of wonderful.’ She smiled. ‘Like, I will never buy a yacht. But that will be purely because I would not be able to secure the financing.’

‘Who knows what the future holds?’ said Ben.

‘But, please promise me,’ said Ren. ‘Promise me that you won’t get obsessed by it. Consider your research done.’

‘OK, I just have one question,’ said Ben. ‘And it’s because I did read a lot about this, like you said, and it does seem to be different from one person to the next... well, not different, but... it can be pretty bad...’

This is going to be a shit show.

‘What do you want to know?’ said Ren.

‘What it’s like being manic,’ said Ben. ‘For you...’

‘Really?’ said Ren. Really?

He nodded.

Lie, lie. For the love of God, lie. Ren turned around to him. ‘OK... mania turns everything to magic, it turns everything you look at into a beautiful and wild eventual problem. It is a glorious thing. It is a psychological Midas touch. Everything is intoxicating.’ You look at a man and he is the most amazing man in the world. ‘You have to own the dress in the store window that has caught your eye. You have to own it right there.’ And if it’s whorish, even better. ‘Your head feels like it’s filled with air, a new kind of air and if everyone breathed it, it would make the world a better place.’ And when people around you are not breathing it, they seem really dull and unambitious. ‘You get so many ideas and they are good. You achieve a lot. You make links.’ Until everything starts to overwhelm you and you want it all to go away.

Ben nodded. ‘OK...’

‘When it’s good, it’s very, very good and when it’s bad, it’s rotten...’ said Ren. Sometimes you know that the result of your behavior will be a disaster of some kind. And it doesn’t stop you. It is like being suddenly stupid. And the aftermath is like a slideshow. Like the end of The Hangover. But, it’s not about after-the-fact photographs: even at the time, everything is like a beautiful pop and flash. Imagine knowing that the outcome of doing something will be a disaster. But you only get a tiny window in which to capture that knowledge — it only sticks its head up for a moment. If you don’t grab it while you can... well... you’re fucked. Imagine a grenade coming your way. The pin is out. You only have seconds to run. You should run. Instead, before you know it, you reach out and catch it. Pccchhhhh...

‘Does that answer your question?’ said Ren.

Ben frowned. ‘I guess so. What I read online was way worse. Phew.’

Ugh.

Ben wandered into the living room. Ren started to stir-fry strips of marinated chicken. She turned on the extractor fan.

‘Hey,’ said Ben, walking in with Robbie’s iPad. ‘When did you get this?’ He stopped walking.

‘I can’t hear you,’ Ren shouted. ‘The fan.’

Ben didn’t reply. Ren turned around to him. ‘What?’ she said. She turned off the fan. ‘What is it?’

Ben was swiping his fingers across the screen.

‘Hey,’ said Ren. ‘That’s Robbie’s. What are you doing?’

‘Em, realizing it’s not yours,’ said Ben. He looked up. ‘Unless you like Filthy Sluts Taking it Every Way or Cum Shots to Monster Tits or—’

‘I do...’ said Ren, ‘but that’s not the point...’

Ren walked over as Ben kept going through screens.

‘What the—’ Ren’s eyes went wide. ‘What? Oh my God. This is wow... porn on a... well, Utah scale.’

‘He’s been working the choirboy thing well.’ Ben laughed.

‘Shut it down,’ said Ren. ‘He told me to take it from the office, because he knew I wouldn’t dream of turning it on. Jesus. He knew he could trust me.’

‘And he was right to trust you,’ said Ben. ‘You didn’t turn it on. It was me.’

‘Can’t unsee, can’t unsee,’ said Ren. ‘Can’t unknow, can’t unknow. OK — turn it off now. He could be here any moment.’

‘I’m turning it off, relax,’ said Ben.

‘Don’t tell me to relax,’ said Ren.

‘Woo.’

‘This is...’ said Ren, ‘Robbie’s... not like this.’

Ben was laughing at her.

‘I’m serious,’ said Ren. ‘It’s not funny. You don’t know him. He can’t be cool with this. Like, religion-wise.’

I knew it was more than his parents’ divorce.

‘He’s not himself,’ said Ren. ‘He’s been so strange with me over the past while. I thought it was because...’ he liked me and I rejected him, then I went out with someone else.

‘Because what?’ said Ben.

Ren shrugged. ‘Just that I see less of him.’

‘Because of me?’ said Ben.

‘Just in general,’ said Ren. ‘But it makes sense... he was so weird a while back when I dissed the concept of sex addiction—’

‘Lack of self-awareness or boyfriend-awareness there,’ said Ben.

Ren smiled. ‘I think this is a real problem for Robbie.’

He goes to the bathroom in work a lot.

He’s been late a lot too.

‘He hasn’t been to see his mother in so long,’ said Ren. ‘He probably can’t face her.’

‘He probably can’t recognize her because of the blindness...’ said Ben.

Stop making fun of my Robbie. ‘I know it seems really funny,’ said Ren, ‘but I’m telling you this whole thing will be agonizing for him. He’s my friend, Ben. I care about him a lot.’

The doorbell rang. Ben and Ren stared at each other.

‘He better not ask to use the bathroom,’ said Ben. He powered off the iPad, then glanced at it. ‘I’ll wipe this clean,’ he said, winking.

‘Rein it in, for the love of God,’ said Ren.

‘Don’t mention reins in front of him...’

‘Stop,’ hissed Ren as she walked to the door.

‘Hey,’ said Robbie, walking in, hugging her tight.

No hard feelings.