Honor and Betray

Chapter Twelve

We sat in my car in silence as we stared off at the cemetery. The pain and regret were written all over Emma’s beautiful face. I struggled to find the words to comfort her, but I was at a loss. I couldn’t sympathize with the situation. I didn’t want her aunt to die, but it was not as easy for me to forget what type of person she was. People love to talk about how good of a person someone was after that person dies, and usually it’s a lie. Judy was a bitch, who treated the woman I loved like she was nothing.

I wouldn’t be shedding a tear for her today and wouldn’t give her a second thought if not for Emma. I wondered if she would be this distraught if she knew how hard J tried to get me to sleep with her. Not that I would have ever given in. Desperation wasn’t an attractive quality to me.

Emma cleared her throat, pulling me from my thoughts. I placed my hand on her knee in an attempt to comfort her. She covered mine with her tiny hand.

“I’m sorry.” I was. I didn’t like that because of me she was hurting. Even if she weren’t aware of it, I would spend forever trying to make it up to her.

She nodded and blew out a long breath as tears began to spill down her cheeks. I squeezed her knee lightly and forced myself to get out of the car. I hated funerals. I hated the sadness, and I forced myself not to look bored and uninterested. I quickly rounded the front of my car and pulled open the passenger side door. She looked up at me with sad eyes before placing her hand in mine so I could pull her to her feet. As soon as her body connected with mine, she broke down, and I rubbed my hand over her back as she sobbed into my shoulder. It was a dreary day, and the wind whipped through Emma’s hair. I wasn’t sure the weather would hold out for long, and part of me wished the sky would break loose and I could take her back to the safety of my home, where the world could not hurt her anymore.

Emma pulled back from me and smoothed her skirt before giving me a quick nod that she was ready. For someone so emotional, she was just as brave. One of the qualities I loved about Emma. Fear and sadness did not prevent her from doing anything.

There was a small crowd of people gathered by the burial site, and my heart rate picked up as we neared them. I knew Emma had no more family, so that only left acquaintances. It was then I realized I was far from out of the woods when it came to Emma finding out about who I really am.

“Do you know any of them?” I asked in a hushed tone so no one would overhear us. She looked up at me and shook her head. I relaxed a bit. The people from the club were nothing if not discreet. They wouldn’t be likely to call me out in a crowd and risk exposing themselves for who they were. Still, I didn’t want to spend any more time in their presence than I had to.

Several women smiled weakly, tears in their eyes as we approached. Emma thanked them for showing support, and they offered their condolences for her loss. Their eyes would meet mine briefly, but none said a word. I knew their minds must have been spinning when they saw me with J’s niece. I hoped none would make the mistake of assuming she knew how they all knew each other.

Most of us carried on vanilla relationships outside of the club and only used its services as an escape.

The preacher began to speak, and I stood behind Emma, my hand on her lower back to let her know she wasn’t alone. I listened as he spoke about J as if he had known her. Of course, he had, but I hoped his words didn’t seem too intimate and cause Emma to question it.

She seemed to relax as the service continued. I could feel the muscles along her spine grow less stiff. I glanced around at all of the faces, stopping on A, whose lips curled up into a devilish grin as our eyes connected. I swallowed back the bile that rose in my throat.

I had never imagined a moment when I would have Emma and the dominatrix I fucked on occasion in such close proximity. I could feel the control begin to slip. This woman knew far more of my dark secrets than most. She wasn’t privy to the same information as Stephen, but when it came to the true nature of the beast I was inside, she had seen it first hand, fed it, and helped it grow. There was a special level of trust between the two of us, but it was not uncommon for those in our situation to develop feelings for each other. She knew I could never return the feelings. I was incapable until I met Emma, and I could see that glint of sadness in her eyes as she looked at us standing together as a couple.

The service ended, and Emma turned to me, looking up into my eyes. I smiled down at her, proud of how brave she had been through all of this. People began to surround Emma to offer her well wishes and let her know how deeply missed her aunt would be. My eyes found A again as she stood outside of the group. She cocked her head to the side, gesturing to an old elm tree at the edge of the property. I looked back to Emma who was chatting with a few of the other mourners. I took a step back and let my hand fall from her back. She continued talking to the group as I turned and followed A to the tree. I needed to know whatever she felt—hurt or attraction—she would not say anything to Emma.

As we reached the tree, A turned and leaned her back against it as she smiled up at me.

“Is she why you haven’t been around lately?”

“I’m serious about her.”

“No one would argue with how serious you are, Will. I still have some fading bruises to prove it.”

My face turned hard as I thought of my last encounter with A. The connection I had with her was strong. We understood each other’s darker side better than anyone else did.

“Does she know?” her face inched closer to mine as her fingers trailed over the buttons of my shirt.

“She doesn’t, and it is going to stay that way.”

“It seems like an odd match, Will. J always had a thing for you.” She glanced down at the grass around our feet, a hint of sadness on her face. “What did she think of you tainting her innocent niece?” Her eyes connected with mine again and I clenched my hands into fists at my sides.

I reached between us and grabbed her wrists, shoving them away from my chest. I was close enough to her that her warm breath blew over my face. Her demeanor changed from dominating to submissive like a flip of a switch.

“Mind your own business, A. This doesn’t involve you, and I would hate for you to find out what happens when I get truly angry. This isn’t the club.”

I heard a quiet gasp and looked to my left to see Emma staring over at us. She looked absolutely terrified by what she saw. It was only then I realized how my conversation with A must look to her. She made her way toward us, and I instinctively took a step back from A. I had no idea how I would talk my way out of what she had seen and even less confidence in A’s ability to keep her fucking mouth shut.

“Emma,” I called out to her as she neared us. Her hand swiped over her cheek to wipe away her tears as A crossed her arms over her chest and once again took on a dominate air about her. This was the first time I hated that side of her. If she were solely submissive, she wouldn’t dare open her mouth to defy me. This side of A was capable of anything, and it was more than obvious to the crowd that Emma was a natural submissive.

Emma’s eyes scanned A before they landed on me, and fresh tears clouded them.

“Emma, this is…”

“Allison.” A took a step forward and held out her hand to Emma with a fake smile plastered on her face. Emma ignored A’s gesture, and her eyes found mine again. “I should probably go.” A glanced back at me before she made her way back across the cemetery. I sighed with relief that she didn’t choose to go against me, but I still had to convince Emma that she was just a friend.

“Who is she?” Emma asked, her jaw clenched in anger.

“She is no one.” I kept my tone sharp, knowing Emma would naturally try to avoid confrontation. I glanced around to make sure no one was listening to our conversation. I didn’t want anyone else questioning what type of relationship I had with her.

“Fuck them,” she spat angrily. I felt the control begin to slip from my grasp. I took a step forward, taking a different tactic.

“Let me take you back to my place.” I reached out and rubbed over her arms. She took a step back from me and pressed her back against the tree. It felt like a slap to the face, and I had to struggle not to reach out and pull her into my arms. I had never expected such an act of defiance from Emma, and I wasn’t certain how to handle it in a public setting.

“Did you…” her words faded as she searched for the truth. I struggled not to let my anger overwhelm me. How much could I give up for her? Could I hand over the control? I snapped as I felt my heart ripping from my chest. I had tried to change who I was for her. I had tried to be what she needed, but it wouldn’t be enough.

“Don’t do this here.” It was a command, and I knew how cold it would sound, but if Emma was going to be mine, she needed to know that I was the one in charge. I wasn’t going to let her destroy us and embarrass me in public.

“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.”

My fingers twitched as I glanced to my right at the few remaining people off in the distance. I wanted to grab her and punish her. I wanted to force her to let this go, but I knew that wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t ask her to shut out her feelings any more than I could be forced to hand over my control. It was a stalemate, and I wouldn’t be the one to flinch first.

“She is nobody.” I searched her eyes as I hovered a few inches from her. Her breathing was heavy with anger, and her chest brushed against mine as she inhaled. I fought against my desire to lift her skirt and fuck her into submission, to claim her as mine in front of everyone so she would have no doubt.

“Was she your girlfriend?” her face inched closer to mine. I could lie to her. I could fill her full of bullshit like I was always so good at doing, but she was pushing my buttons. And as much as I knew the honesty would hurt her, I was tired of the lies. I just hated how much the truth would hurt her.

“It wasn’t like that. I met her at a club she…works at.”

“Did you fuck her?”

I took a step back and ran my hand over my jaw. This wasn’t the place for this. Emma stepped forward, pushing against my chest so she could run. She had run from me so many times before, but now she had nowhere to go. I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back against the tree.

“Let me explain.” I placed my hands on either side of her face against the tree, so she couldn’t leave.

“It’s a yes or no question.” She pushed against my chest again, but I didn’t move. Her eyes danced across the cemetery. We were completely alone now.

“Please, fucking listen to me.” I hated begging for anything, but I needed her to hear me out so she wouldn’t run off with nightmares plaguing her thoughts about what she thought had happened.

“Why was she here?” she asked as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Why was she here?” she asked again angrily.

I grabbed her wrists and held them down at her sides as I pushed my body against hers. I needed to hold her, to know she was mine. I was losing her. I couldn’t fucking lose her. She belonged to me. She had told me she was mine.

“Get off me!” she struggled to free herself from my grip, but it was halfhearted. She knew she couldn’t overpower me. Her body sagged against the tree as I held on to her like she was my gravity. She kept me grounded, and without her, I didn’t know what kind of monster I would become.

“No one before you matters.” I ran my nose along the length of her neck, inhaling the scent of flowers.

“Don’t.” The sadness in her voice was like stabbing a knife in my chest. I had caused this pain in her.

“Please,” I whispered desperately as my lips moved along her throat, leaving light kisses. My breathing grew ragged as I struggled to hold on to my sanity. “Emma, don’t leave me.” I begged, and I knew she had all of the power. It was never me. I knew I would have nothing if I lost her. My world would implode, but Emma would move on, and eventually she would find someone she deserved. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I knew it would be best to let her go, but I couldn’t. I pulled back to look at her face. She squeezed her eyes closed as she struggled to stop her tears.

“Tell me you love me.”

Her head turned away from me. I placed a hand on either side of her face, forcing her to look me in the eye.

“I don’t want to,” she whispered. I pressed my mouth against hers, needing to feel her love for me. She might not have said the words, but I knew her feelings were real. They had to be real. Her lips began to move with mine giving me a tiny glimmer of hope. Her lips parted, and I deepened our kiss, groaning as her tongue pressed back against mine. I needed to show her how much I cared for her the only way I knew how. It wasn’t with my actions, and I knew I didn’t say the things she wanted to hear, but I could make her feel it. My hand slid down her side as I pushed my hips against hers.

She pulled her lips from mine as she struggled to right her breathing.

“I can’t. I can’t do this.” She shook her head as fresh tears pricked her eyes. I slid the pad of my thumb over the apple of her cheek.

“Emma, you are the only person who means anything to me.”