Inflame

Chapter 9

Kale

IT’S BEEN a long day outside the wire and I’m freaking exhausted. The heat combined with the stress of conducting our route clearances has been wearing me down, and all I want is to eat, shower, jack off, and check my email. I still hear from Lucy daily, but her messages have become a little less personal, and I’m afraid I know why.

Even though I want to crawl into bed, I want to check my Facebook and email first, so I sign on to my computer. The second I open my web browser, I’m wishing I hadn’t. Like a cruel devil, the first notification pops out at me. Lucy Dawson is in a relationship with Aidan Van Buren. An unfamiliar pain rips through me, and my stomach rolls at the thought. Not my Lucy.

Closing my laptop, I try to ignore it. It’s been almost five months since I left Tennessee, and Lucy hasn’t disappointed as my keyboard pal. We email back and forth every day—or at least every day we can. When I’m out in the field, sometimes I can’t get to a computer for days at a time, but when I get back, my inbox is filled with a message from her for every day, even if I haven’t been able to write back.

I knew she was seeing someone. Not that long after I left, she sent me an email mentioning that she missed having me as a buffer to protect her from Charlie’s double-dating schemes. It wasn’t long before she started dating someone she was set up with. I joked around that I’d fly back from Afghanistan to let him know she was spoken for, but she laughed it off and told me she’d actually had a nice time. And I was happy for her.

I am happy for her. But I won’t lie. Part of me wonders why my leaving seems to have changed her outlook on dating. Five months ago, she’d have scoffed at the idea, but now she’s made it Facebook official. Sighing, I open my laptop back up, check my email, and see that, for the first time since I’ve been here, my inbox sits empty. Knowing I’ve missed days on end before, I try not to dwell on it, assuming that something came up and she’ll make up for it later.

1/31/13

Ms. Dawson,

Five solid months and you didn’t miss a day. I’m wounded. I never thought this day would come. Okay, that sounds wrong. I’m not wounded, promise. At least not physically. But imagine the pang in my poor little heart the moment I logged onto Facebook and saw your dazzling smile shining back at me with the worst news a man can get. Not even a Dear John letter, Luce? Again, you wound me. I’d say I’d punish you, but it seems like those times for us are through. Excuse me while I go cry in a corner for a minute.

Okay, seriously. I’m happy for you, Lucy. Sure, it would’ve been nice if I hadn’t had that glaring surprise when I opened up Facebook, but still. Must be pretty damn serious for I-Don’t-Date-Dawson to make it Facebook official. Again, I’m happy for you, but you better warn him. I’ll kick his fucking ass if he hurts you. Even though I know Charlie will probably beat me to it, I won’t mind giving him beat down #2.

Enough about that. Things here have gotten pretty intense. We’ve been going out on more calls than ever, and each time, the chills increase. The silence, Lucy. That’s the scariest part. The most haunting of the ordeal. You know how they say it’s darkest before the dawn? I think that type of thing works here, too. It’s always the most silent before the biggest blast. Usually, we have kids running alongside the MRAP, delighted that we’re in their area, and I love seeing them. By the way, they love the Laffy Taffy you send me, and watching them chase after it cracks me up. The way their smiles light up makes me feel like I’m doing my part, even if it is just giving candy to a couple of kids. Those smiles? They mean the world. But it’s not all peaches and cream. When we roll up to a village and get nothing? That’s when my blood runs cold. The silence in the air is almost deafening, and it sends a chill straight down to my bones. I don’t know, Luce. I love my job and I love serving my country. But I’m goddamn fucking terrified that one of these days I’m going to lose my shit over here. You know what gets me through the day? That damn freckle on the tip of your nose. The sound on your sweet laughter. The feel of your smooth skin underneath my hands. Any time I start to feel down, I draw up a memory of you, of us, and instantly feel better. I guess I was fooling myself thinking I could see you as nothing but casual. You’re so much more than that. I care about you, Lucy, but I guess I’m a little late to the ballgame.

Like I said, your happiness means the world to me. Just make sure he treats you well. I don’t think he’d appreciate my fist in his face if he doesn’t. Gotta run. Miss you.

JT Kale (He obviously had better timing)

P.S. I don’t care who you’re dating. I’m never deleting those photos. ;)

I hesitate as the mouse hovers over the send button. Do I really want to put it out there that I have feelings for her? I know I’ve hinted at it, beaten around the bush, but I always play it off like a joke, never actually saying the words. I force myself to stop thinking about it and just click send, immediately regretting my decision. I know it’s unfair of me to unload on her now that she’s dating someone, and I pray to God that this doesn’t change or affect our relationship. The last thing I want is Lucy feeling awkward around me or her new man hating my guts. Well, I could really actually care less about that, but if he doesn’t like me, that’ll bleed over into our friendship, and I can’t have some asshole coming between us.

Looking at the calendar, I check off one more day. Only one-hundred and twelve more to go. Until I’m back in Tennessee. Back with Lucy. And call me an asshole, but I silently hope that not only will I be back with Lucy, but that I’ll be with her completely. Not as her friend. Not as her buddy. Not as her fucking wingman. I don’t give a shit who she’s dating. When I step foot back on American soil, it’s going to be my goddamn mission to make Lucy Dawson realize that I’m the only one who should be her man.

Lucy

THE SOUND of my ringing phone draws me out of my sleep and I reach my hand out, fumbling to find it. Without bothering to see who it is, I put it up to my ear, mumbling out an incoherent greeting. Charlie’s excited voice fills my ear, and I have to pull the phone away. My head is still pounding, thanks to the twenty-four-hour migraine I’ve been suffering from, and the loud noise is nearly unbearable.

“Lucy Dawson, it’s about damn time you made it official!” she exclaims.

I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about, and I tell her so. She advises me to check my Facebook, and even though I don’t want to, I drag myself out of bed and go to my desk, opening up my laptop. When I get to my page, I immediately see what she’s talking about.

“What the hell?” I ask as my eyes read the declaration that I’m in a committed relationship with Aidan Van Buren.

A pit forms in the center of my stomach when I see that it already has twenty-seven likes, the most recent one by none other than Kale Montgomery. He knows about Aidan—kind of. I’ve tried to keep them separate as much as possible, especially since I still didn’t know where my relationships with either of them were headed. Maybe I’ve been stupidly keeping myself from really committing to Aidan because of some false hope that Kale will come home, sweep me off my feet, and tell me that he can’t live without me. I shake the thought out of my head as I stare at the thumbs up next to his name. Wishful thinking, and I need to accept the fact that we had a fun summer and I’m lucky to have gained such a great friend.

“Why do you sound surprised?” Charlie asks, jolting me from my thoughts.

“I haven’t logged onto my computer since yesterday. I’ve had the migraine from hell and been in bed ever since. Aidan stopped by last night and must’ve gotten on my computer to change it,” I tell her, feeling annoyed at the small but very irritating violation.

Aidan’s been fine without labels, but ever since I went away for Christmas to visit my family, he’s been hinting that he’s ready to take the next step, and I vaguely remember telling him last night that yes, he can finally start telling people that I’m his girlfriend. The thing is, my head hurt so bad I would’ve said anything to get him to go away and leave me alone. Apparently, the damage is already done, and now I, and the world, know that I’m now in a relationship for the first time in years.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. You guys are a couple, and you have been for months. Just because you don’t say it out loud doesn’t mean it’s any less true. Lucy, this is so exciting! I don’t know why I didn’t think to introduce you to Aidan sooner. Who’d have thought we’d end up dating cousins?” She’s practically squealing at the idea, and I can just picture her staring at her engagement ring with thoughts of a double wedding. Drew proposed when I was gone over the holidays, and although they haven’t set a date, Charlie’s done nothing but talk about wedding plans for weeks.

“Certainly not me. Don’t even think of spreading the marriage bug to me. I’m barely okay with being in a Facebook relationship,” I warn her, and she just laughs.

We talk for a few more minutes before she lets me go. With how shitty I felt yesterday, I suddenly remember that I didn’t email Kale. I’ve never missed a day, and I start to worry what he must be thinking, first with Facebook and second with the missing email. Logging into my email account, I let out a deep breath when I see that I have mail from him.

My heart plummets as I read it though, first at how he’s handling being over there. It’s not until I read the rest that I start to tear up. Kale Montgomery, thousands of miles across of the planet, just confessed that he has feelings for me.

As I read on, I realize that he’s resigned himself to the fact that I’m with Aidan and it’s too late for us. I want to get on Skype right now so I can yell at him, to tell him that if he wants me, he can have me. But then I reread the email and I start to wonder if this is another one of his jokes. If he says he’s happy for me, happy that I’m with another guy, his feelings can’t run that deep. Sighing, I type out a reply, wondering how I got myself into this mess. Love triangles? I hate them. I don’t do them, and I have no idea how I’m going to fix this.

2/1/13

JT Kale (How long are you going to call yourself that? And yeah, our timing sucks),

I know, I know. I suck so bad right now. Please don’t take away my Mila title. That’d be the worst punishment. Also, please don’t fire me as your keyboard pal. I don’t know what I’d do without our daily emails and I don’t want to find out. I’m so sorry I missed yesterday. I had the worst migraine and spent the entire day in bed wishing I could slice my forehead open and cut out the pain. It was awful.

As for Aidan…yeah, I didn’t know he had done that. We haven’t had that whole middle school “boyfriend/girlfriend” talk and he must’ve gotten on my computer and changed it when he stopped by last night. I know you and I haven’t talked about it much, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag so I might as well explain.

I’m not trying to boost your ego, so don’t go getting a big head. I’m probably making a mistake by even admitting this, but here goes. After you left, I realized I could never have a better FWB than you, and I knew if I tried, I’d fail. He’d fail. When I met Aidan, I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. At the same time, I decided to open myself up to the possibility of something more than casual. Now I’m not saying you’re going to be getting a wedding invitation anytime soon, but we’re seeing where things go. Who knows? You may have cured me of my relationship phobias. Or this will end in total disaster and I’ll be crying on your doorstep, needing to be cheered up.

Okay, enough about me. I hate what you’re dealing with, Kale, and while I can’t possibly understand it, I wish I could help you through it. Just remember what you’re doing is admirable, and no matter where or what you’re doing, you can probably guarantee you’re on my mind. I think of you all the time, often, wondering if you’re thinking of me, too. You can’t spend every single day with someone for nearly four months straight and not develop feelings for them. I guess I was fooling myself, too. Ha, it only took a few thousand miles and Charlie setting me up on a date for us to finally admit it. I guess we’re a couple of idiots.

I have no idea what will happen with Aidan, or how I’ll feel when you get back. Just know, Kale, that I care about you, too. More than you could possibly know, and I can’t wait until you’re home.

Lucy (Mila, fingers crossed)

P.S. Those photos are for YOUR EYES ONLY!

IT’S BEEN hours since I read Kale’s email and I still can’t get it off my mind. Right now, I feel more confused than ever where he’s concerned. If he were actually interested in pursuing something, he would’ve said so. Either way, it’s now out that we both care about each other, and even though I should, I don’t feel bad where Aidan’s concerned. I have no idea why he thought I’d be okay with his hijacking my Facebook. I assume he was trying to send a message, and it irritates the hell out of me. We’ve been seeing each other exclusively but haven’t had the whole relationship talk. Apparently that’s now on the agenda.

As if on cue, my phone rings and I see that it’s him.

“Hey, babe,” he says casually when I answer. “Feeling better?”

I smile at his concern and some of the irritation melts away. “A little bit. I still have a headache but most of the nausea has subsided.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear it. Can I see you? I’ll bring you something to eat if you feel up to it.”

The words from Kale’s email come back to mind, and even though I’d like to just go back to bed, I know if I’m alone I’ll do nothing but think about him. Having Aidan as a distraction is the perfect solution. I feel guilty the moment the thought comes to mind, but I push it away.

“That’s sweet, Aidan, but you don’t have to. I can’t imagine I’ll be the best company.”

He chuckles, and I know he’s not going to take no for an answer. “Babe, just let me take care of my girlfriend, okay?” he says, confirming it. I can hear the smile in his voice, and part of me feels guilty for stringing him along for the past few months.

When Kale left, I tried to tell myself I was ready for a relationship, but when it came down to it, I kept avoiding it. I tell myself I need to give Aidan a chance, and I let the irritation fade, ready to give in.

“You totally took advantage of me when I was at my weakest,” I tease, deciding to just get used to the fact that I’m now someone’s girlfriend.

“Can you blame me? You’ve been dodging it for weeks, Lucy. I want the whole world to know you’re mine. Everyone should know how lucky I am that you’re my girl.” He says the words playfully, but I don’t miss the undertone of jealousy, and I know exactly who he’s thinking of.

As much as he wants the label, he wants Kale to know even more. I’m not happy he used my social media to pee all over me like I’m his own personal fire hydrant, letting all others know to stay away, but for now, I just let it go and continue to wonder what the hell kind of mess I’ve gotten myself into.