Inflame

Chapter 21

Kale

AFTER SLAMMING the door to my house shut, I stalk towards the kitchen and grab the bourbon out of my freezer. I spent the whole cab ride home psyching myself up for what I’m about to do, but as soon as the driver pulled into my driveway I started having heart palpitations and the anxiety started to creep in like a slow, thick fog that was choking the life out of me. I knew I’d need more booze to get through this, and that’s the first thing I went for.

Without bothering to grab a glass, I drink straight from the bottle, enjoying the deep burn with every single gulp. I count slowly—one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three…—and so on until I hit five. Only then do I pull the bottle away from my lips, not even caring when the amber liquid dribbles down my chin. Unceremoniously, I wipe it away with my sleeve before pressing my forehead against the refrigerator and allowing the liquor to course through my veins, to give me a false sense of security, of relief, if only for a moment. Sighing, I know I need to get this over with, and I turn as I open and close my fists, pumping myself up much like I do whenever I’m about to get in the ring. I could use the extra adrenaline right now, but instead, I’ll just have to settle for the alcohol.

As I move to leave the kitchen, my eyes sweep over to the counter. Out of the corner of my eye, I see an envelope propped up against the microwave, and it has my name on it in what I recognize as Lucy’s handwriting. Walking towards it, I can feel my hands shaking nervously, and I have no idea why. It’s probably just some cute note like the other ones she likes to leave if we’re going to be apart for the night, and a part of me smiles at the thought.

I’m not sure when Lucy placed it there because I know I sure as hell didn’t see it before I dropped her off at Charlie and Knox’s place. Somehow she must’ve slipped back in and left it, and suddenly, I’m wishing she were here with me so I don’t have to do this alone. At the same time, I’m still not ready to go there with her, and I don’t want her to see me like this. Yeah, I need to do this on my own. I owe it to myself, to her. I have no idea how I’m going to let the past go, but I have to at least try.

With trembling hands and a racing heart, I pick up the envelope and turn it over, using my thumb to rip it open. I pull out a note, and I smile, knowing I was right. But as soon as I read the words, the smile falls, and my heart feels like it's being ripped in two.

Hey baby,

You’re probably out havin’ the time of your life with the guys right now while I’m being forced to listen to how hot the honeymoon was or whatever latest dirty escapade Charlie and Knox have partaken in. Have I told you that I hate his car? Seriously. Those two make me gag, and while I love my girls, I’m sure at this point in the night I’m wishing I’m wherever you are. Especially since I have to deal with them sober. It’s a cruel, cruel universe. But for Sprout, I guess I’ll put up with it.

Anyways, I just wanted to leave you a quick note to let you know I’ll be thinking about you. I wish we’d have gotten more time to revel in the events from this afternoon, but this is just the beginning, right? I wish I could explain in words what I felt the moment I heard that heartbeat, the second I saw our baby on that screen, but there’s not a word in the dictionary to properly describe just how momentous it was, just how extraordinary and breathtaking it felt. And you know, I think you get it. I saw the look on your face, Kale Montgomery, and if that wasn’t love personified, then I don’t know what is.

I just want you to know, Kale, that I’m happy it’s you. It’s always been you, even when I didn’t want to admit it. You know I’m crazy about you, don’t you? ‘Cause I am, and I’m looking forward to this new journey. And that question you keep asking me? Ask me again and maybe, just maybe, my answer’s changed.

That’s all. Hey, I even got through writing this with no tears. That’s definite score on the hormone front, right? I left you a little something else in the envelope. A first of many, I hope.

Love,

Lucy

Setting her letter aside, I brace my hands against the counter. I can’t handle sweet Lucy right now. Everything she said was everything I felt, and I know I need to revisit with happened with Tara before I can finally move on completely. Without thinking, I let out a deep breath then retrieve the envelope to see what she left inside. The second I pull it out, I feel as if I’ve been punched in the gut harder than anyone in the ring has ever punched me before. Breath escapes me, and the palpitations in my heart increase tenfold. I knew this was coming, but I’m completely unprepared for it, especially with what I was hoping to accomplish tonight. In a split second, things just went from fucked up to ‘I have no idea how I’m going to get through this unscarred.’ Or at least without new ones, because Lord knows there’s plenty on my heart already.

In my hand is a photograph. I blink twice and allow it to come into focus. It’s the same image from the doctor’s office of Sprout relaxing like he doesn’t have a care in the womb, and my knees almost buckle at the sight of it. The pain rushes back through me, and I have to keep my grip on the counter to remain upright. The last time I saw a sonogram…

I can’t. I can’t do this, but part of me knows I have to. Leaning across the counter, I grab the bottle. Pressing it to my lips, I down what I hope is more than enough liquor to numb the pain, to numb my feelings, but in the end, I find myself on the tile floor with both the bottle and the sonogram clutched to my chest with involuntary tears streaming down my face. I could waste my time feeling like a pussy, but in this moment, I feel broken, and all over again, I’m mourning the loss of someone I’ll never get the chance to know. They say that crying’s for the brokenhearted, and while I should be overjoyed right now, my conflicting emotions are wreaking havoc on my heart and I’m about two seconds away from a breakdown.

Knowing that I need to get this over with, I pick myself up off the floor and stumble towards my bedroom, leaning against the wall for support. I walk into my closet and dig to the deepest depths until I feel the box that I’ve avoided for years but have never been able to get rid of. Somehow I gather up the courage to retrieve it, and I quickly deposit it on my bed, almost as if I can’t stand to have my hands on it for fear of being burned. My eyes study the small blue box momentarily and then close, unable to stand the sight of it.

I can’t do this. My brain is screaming at me as ten years of pain, anguish, and despair surround my heart and squeeze as if it’s trying to rid myself of any other emotion. I try to beat it back, to fight it off, but it’s an uphill battle, one that I’m terrified I’m about to lose. Exhaling deeply, I open my eyes and bring the sonogram up to my face, studying it closely. I try to remember Lucy’s words. I’m glad it’s you. That coupled with the image of Sprout in my hand gives me a little bit of strength I need to move on.

Swooping up the box, I take it out to the living room and I set it down on the coffee table along with the bottle of liquor. I lean back against the couch, staring at it, wondering if I can really do this. Before I can bring myself to open it, I stand up quickly and stagger towards the kitchen, where I protectively place the sonogram with Lucy’s note. This… This right here is my future, and I want it in a safe place while I exorcise the demons of my past.

When I settle back in on the couch, I stare at the box again, finally willing myself to open it, but only after I down a little more liquid courage. My brain’s beginning to swim, but I don’t care. It’s the only way I can bring myself to do this.

My fingers tremble as I lift the lid, and I hold my breath almost as if I’m expecting some magical genie to float out. If only. I could use a few wishes right about now. With a deep breath, I close my eyes and reach in, feeling the contents of the box blindly. My fingers come into contact with a soft material, and I open my eyes as I slowly lift a foreign yet familiar blue blanket out of the box. Closing my eyes once again, I bring the fabric to my face, inhaling the sweet baby powder scent Mom shook on it for good luck. Hot tears prick my eyes, and I have to set the blanket down to maintain my composure.

My hands are shaking as I reach in and begin to pull out items that have been locked away for nearly ten years in the box far from my mind, even further from my heart. I feel my fingers wrap around soft, plush material and I wince when I see the teddy bear I bought at the gift shop before heading home to see my family that fateful day all those years ago. The memory of my excitement at finding the stuffed animal with a t-shirt claiming that the baby’s dad is in the Army rushes through me, and even though the material has since faded, I’m finding that the pain has not, even though I haven’t allowed myself to feel it for the longest time.

As I remove various items, the memories come flooding back in, like some proverbial dam has broken, and instead of a trickling effect, they rush in my mind violently and relentlessly with overwhelming currents ready knock over even the strongest pillar. It isn’t that I’ve forgotten everything—I haven’t. But I pushed it down so far, and like I told Xavier, I threw myself into helping with Lily, into my career, and I did everything in my power to keep the pain from consuming me. And I was doing a pretty damn good job. Until now.

My breath catches at the small, black velvet box I never thought I’d see again. It’s a symbol of the best day of my life and a reminder of the worst. Dropping it on the coffee table, I stare at it, wondering why I ever wanted to keep it. I grab the bourbon and press the bottle to my lips, tipping my head back so that the cool liquid slides down my throat. The contrast of cold and warm makes my chest heavy, and my mind starts to get fuzzy as I set the bottle back down, satisfied that it’s doing its job to numb my pain.

Somehow I gather up the courage to pick up the box again, my thumb fingering the opening. Slowly, I slide the top up and it pops open. A small gold ring with a tiny solitaire diamond sits inside, so tiny I can barely see it in the dark. Picking it up, I pull it closer to my eyes and squint, almost laughing at the size of it. My foggy brain vaguely recalls the day I was in that pawn shop, a scared-as-hell but still-proud nineteen-year-old boy who thought he was ready to take on marriage, fatherhood. I close the box, shaking my head at what a fucking fool that boy was.

Sighing heavily, I set it aside and return to the memory box, scraping the bottom until I find the last item, more than ready to pack it all up and return it to the closet, never to be seen again. My hearts begins racing wildly when I pull out a sonogram, one that’s almost identical to the one in the kitchen, but when I blink twice and squint to look at the date, I see that it’s ten years past.

As much as I try to remain calm, this is the last straw, and I can’t do this. I just fucking can’t. A gut-wrenching sob tears through me, and I feel the impending breakdown coming on. The sonogram falls from my hands, fluttering down to the floor and out of my sight. Without thinking, I grab the blanket I discarded and lean back against the couch, bringing it up to my face again, that damn scent over taking over all other senses. Closing my eyes, I’m transported back ten years to what should’ve been one of the best days of my life, but instead, it was the end of everything I ever knew and everything I ever wanted.

October 2003

Kale

TAPPING MY knee nervously, I’m waiting for the flight to land. I’ve been away for far too long and I’m so anxious to see my fiancée, Tara. I just spent the last couple of months getting my ass kicked in boot camp, and I can’t wait to give my loved ones hugs. I joined the Army specifically so I could provide for my growing family, and I can’t wait to finally settle down to be a husband and a father.

I try not to run to baggage claim, excited to see Tara, Mom, and my sisters. When I leave the concourse, Mom, Kalli, and Kaylie all greet me with big hugs, and I feel just like a hometown hero. They make a big fuss, not used to my clean-shaven hair and neat appearance. Mom leaves to go pull the car around, and I try to answer all of Kalli’s incessant questions. Suddenly I’m aware that something’s missing. Glancing around, I look for Tara but don’t see her anywhere.

“Kall, where’s Tara?” I ask, wondering why my pregnant fiancée isn’t here to greet me. My stomach plummets, already knowing something’s wrong. She fidgets, looking at the ground, not answering me. “Kalliope Alexandra Montgomery. Answer me. Where the hell is she?” I ask, and she flinches at my use of her full name.

Her lip quivers and tears well in her eyes, freaking me the fuck out. Kaylie steps in front of her protectively and reaches her arm out, but then she pulls it back as if she’s afraid to touch me. She looks from me to Kalli, and unlike her twin, she’s wearing a mask. I can’t read her.

“Kale, let’s get your luggage, and then we’ll talk.” I begin to protest, but she jerks her head at Kalli, who’s biting her lip, on the verge of tears.

While my heart’s beating so wildly it’s about to burst out of my chest, the last thing I want is to cause a scene in the airport. We stand there in complete silence and watch as the bags go round and round until I finally see my shit. Nearly knocking over a middle-aged woman to get to my bags, I mumble an apology before quickly getting back to my sisters, where I see that Kaylie’s gotten a luggage cart for me even though I know I’m strong enough to carry them myself.

“Kale, put your bags on the cart,” she orders me, and I do as she asks, but not before I reach into one of the bags and pull out the small memento I brought for the baby. She gives me a small smile of appreciation before turning to Kalli. “Take the bags to Mom’s car. Tell her I’m taking Kale with me and we’ll be home later, okay?”

Kalli starts to protest, but Kaylie shuts her up with one single glare. She starts to wheel the cart away then stops abruptly. Turning around, Kalli runs back to me and throws her arms around me.

“I’m so glad you’re home big brother. I’ve missed you so much. And I love you. No matter what. Always have, always will,” she whispers. It’s the sentiment that’s been a family saying since we were kids.

Leaning down, I place a kiss on the top of her head. “Love you, Kalliope.”

She gives me a soft smile and then looks at Kaylie with sad eyes. We watch in silence as she walks through the glass doors, taking my gear with her. It’s not until she’s out of sight that I turn towards the remaining twin. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I’m not an idiot and I know something’s wrong. Tara should be here. I’m trying to tell myself she just couldn’t get off work, but even that excuse sounds lame in my head.

Kaylie lets out a deep breath then loops her arm through mine. “Let’s go for a drive, okay?”

“Kay, the last thing I want is to go for a drive. One, it’s weird that you got your license while I was gone. And more importantly, I want to know where my fucking fiancée is and I want to know now. Unless you’re taking me to her, save your goddamn drive for another day. I’ll just grab a cab and find her myself.”

Apparently I loosen her resolve because she sighs then nods her head. “Okay, Kale, I’ll take you to her. I know exactly where she is.”

KAYLIE TRIES to make small talk in the car, but after a few noncommittal one-word answers, she decides that I’m a lost cause and stops attempting to get me to engage in conversation. As I stare out the window, we ride in silence, and I can’t help all the horrible thoughts rolling through my head.

I’ve been gone for just a little over three months, and even though I never saw the military in my future, the day I found out that Tara was pregnant, I vowed to do everything in my power to provide love and support for my family. Seeing as how I was just a kid barely out of high school, the military seemed to be the best route for me. We’d been childhood friends, then sweethearts, so when she ended up pregnant, marriage made perfect sense. Mom tried to talk me out of it, saying that it was a new century and there were plenty of unwed parents, but I was head over heels and I wanted to start a family with her, even if it was a hell of a lot sooner than either of us had planned. When I proposed, she cried and said yes, and even though she didn’t want me to leave for the Army, she understood and we had a tearful goodbye at the airport. A smile forms over my face as I remember kneeling down one last time to place a kiss on her belly, where a small bump had started to form.

“Kale, we’re here,” Kaylie informs me, tearing me away from the happy memory.

I glance out the window and frown, turning to her. “This has to be a mistake. What the hell would she be doing at a bar at two in the afternoon?” I ask incredulously, wondering what kind of fucked-up joke she’s playing on me.

Sighing, Kaylie leans her head against the glass. “She’s working. I don’t know the details, but for some reason, after you left, she dropped all her classes at Faulkner State, quit her receptionist job, and started bartending. Just go in and see her, okay? I’m right behind you.”

Her words register in my mind but they make no sense. Tara, bartending? What the hell? Quickly wanting to get to the bottom of this, I’m out of the car in a flash, and I walk with long strides until I make it to the front door of the bar.

My heart’s racing as I open it. I hear the chime signaling my arrival, but no one seems to notice. Not waiting for Kaylie to come in behind me, I let it shut and take two steps until I see her, and I’m frozen in place. Her back’s to me, but I know it’s her, and I watch in utter disbelief as she flirts with some asshole. I tell myself that she’s just doing her job, but then he grabs her ass and she giggles, turning slightly so I can see her flashing him a beautiful smile. She leans and whispers in his ear, causing him to nod his head vigorously. Before I can do anything, she’s walking away, her back still to me, and then she disappears behind the kitchen doors.

The asshole stands up, throws some bills down on the counter, and then starts to head my way. He gives me a tip of his hat as he takes in my uniform. “’Preciate the service, brother,” he tells me before leaning in close. “The chick behind the bar? Be nice to her and I promise she’ll take care of ya, if ya know what I mean.”

What the fuck? Almost as if on instinct, my arms flies out, my fist connecting with his face. He reels back, his hands coming up to his nose to assess the damage.

“What the hell, man? I’m just tryin’ to help a brother out!”

Leaning in, I grab ahold of his collar. “That chick behind the bar? She’s my fucking fiancée, asshole. Not only that, but she’s having my kid, so no, she’s not going to be taking care of anyone.”

His eyes widen, and then the fucker gives me a look that is nothing but pure sympathy. “Oh, man, I had no idea. You serious?” He pauses, and I nod. “Dude, hate to be the one to tell you this, but she ain’t wearin’ a ring. And the girl? She most certainly is not havin’ no baby.”

Tara chooses that exact moment to reenter the bar carrying a thick tub full of ice and beer bottles, effectively covering her middle. I let go of the guy and pull out the teddy bear from my cargo pocket. She doesn’t see me, and I lose sight of her for a moment when she bends to set the tub down. When she stands back up, the sight of her takes my breath away. Stumbling back, I feel the stuffed animal fall from my fingertips as my eyes continuously blink. It’s as if they’re playing tricks on me and I’m not really seeing what I’m seeing. Or well, not seeing.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, and then Kaylie is pressing up against me, her cheek on my back. “I’m so sorry, Kale. I didn’t know how to tell you,” she whispers, her voice cracking.

My head falls and I bring a hand up to meet hers, squeezing tight. I don’t blame her. I probably never would’ve believed it without seeing anyway, but now that I’m here, I can’t deny it. Standing less than twenty feet away from me is Tara Jennings, my childhood best friend, first love, fiancée, and mother of my future child. Only this Tara, the one who should be nearly seven months pregnant, is standing in tight denim shorts with a form-fitting black tank top that rides up on her belly—her unbelievably flat-as-a-board belly. Gone is the baby bump I’d caressed before I left. Gone is any evidence that a baby, my baby, was there not just three months ago.

And now it all makes sense. The letters that became less frequent the longer I was gone. The unanswered calls when I was able to get a phone pass. The airport reunion that never was. She lost the baby and was here to deal with it all on her own. In four long strides, I’m in front of her, and I pull her into my arms and wrap her in a warm embrace. My heart’s breaking for the loss, but it’s equally tearing me apart that she had to deal with the fallout on her own.

Before I can even begin to really feel her, she’s pushing against my chest, out of my arms. Her eyes widen when she looks up at me, and there’s something there. Shame? Regret? I don’t know what it is, but nothing about the look on her face is one that I’d expect from my fiancée when I return home after being away for so long.

Reaching down, I stroke her face, cherishing the feel of her skin under my fingertips. “Why didn’t come to the airport, babe? I’ve missed you,” I admit, leaning in for a kiss, but she turns her face at the last second, forcing me to kiss her cheek instead of her lips.

What the fuck is going on?

A million things start racing through my mind, and I don’t get it. This Tara is distant, unfeeling, nothing like the woman I love, and my heart starts beating rapidly as I look back at my sister, who is watching us with sorrowful eyes.

“Kale, I can’t do this here. We need to talk, but not right now.” She holds her wrist up to glance at her watch, and my eyes widen when I notice her fingers and realize that the asshole was right. My ring is no longer on her finger. “I get off at nine. Can we meet then? At the old swing set?”

Anger courses through me, and there’s no way in hell I’m waiting hours to find out what the hell she’s been up to since I’ve been gone. Taking her hand, I don’t give her a choice as I pull her outside and into the alley next to the building.

Pressing her against the brick wall, I place both hands on the sides of her head. I look down at her, but she won’t meet my eyes. “Show me your left hand, Tara,” I order, growling, and I watch as she flinches, but in the end, she does what I ask. “Where the fuck is my ring?”

Sighing, she finally meets my eyes, her own flashing with something that resembles anger. “I stopped wearing it a while ago,” she states matter-of-factly, like it’s something I should’ve already known.

I take a deep breath, trying to keep my anger at bay. “And why in the hell did you stop wearing it? I don’t understand.”

She pushes me away from her and starts pacing the alley. “Because I didn’t want to get married! Okay?! Is that what you want to hear?! Because that’s the God’s honest truth. After you left, I did a lot of soul searching, and I’m not ready, Kale. We’re not ready! I’m nineteen years old and way too young to be a wife. Way too young to be a mother.” The last part comes out in a whisper, and I begin to feel wary.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I ask, even though I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know the implications.

She stops in her tracks and looks at me, this time with hardened eyes. “It means I terminated the pregnancy.”

Her cold words cause my knees to buckle and I have to brace myself against the wall to keep from falling to the ground. The pain of thinking she had a miscarriage was nearly unbearable, but now knowing that I’m no longer going to be a dad because Tara decided she didn’t want the baby is an excruciating torment I have no idea how to combat or to even begin to process. My lungs feel heavier with each breath I take, and when I see her coming towards me, I back up and hold a hand out, wanting her to stay away, as far away as possible.

“Kale, I know it’s a shock, and I probably shouldn’t have done it without telling you, but you were out of contact. There was nothing else I could do. But come on. We’re not even twenty. We weren’t ready, and in the end, you’ll see this was for the best. I promise. Now we can just go back to being us, not engaged, not about to be parents. Just Kale and Tara. Like we always have been.”

I look at her in disbelief. “I was out of contact because I was preparing to provide for our family. I signed my fucking life away for you, for the baby. I loved you. I already loved him. I don’t… How the fuck could you do this to me?”

She tries to wrap her arms around me, but I push her off, feeling disgusted by her touch. “It’s better this way. You’ll see. We’ll be better this way.”

Shaking my head, I let out an incredulous laugh. “That’s where you’re wrong, Tara. As far as I’m concerned, there is no more us. And the fact that you can’t see that you just ripped my heart to fucking shreds? There probably never should’ve been.”

She rushes towards me, only stopping when I hold my hand out. “Kale, don’t say that. We can get past this. I do still care about you.”

My eyes close as I let out a deep breath. I let her words wash over me, and my blood begins to boil. I want to scream at her. I want to cry my fucking eyes out. I want to go back three months and never set foot on the damn plane so I could’ve been there to try and at least talk this out with her. But I can’t. I can’t go back, and this can’t be undone. Every single ounce of love I once felt for this girl slowly drains from my heart, and as she stands in front of me, waiting for me to tell her everything is okay, I just can’t do it. I feel nothing but anger, resentment, and honestly, hatred.

I close the distance between us, placing a hand on the back of her neck. She looks up at me with hopeful eyes, and I can’t believe she thinks we—I—can get past this.

“I might’ve believed that before, Tara, but I sure as hell don’t now. I loved you more than life itself, and walking away is going to be so goddamn hard, but if I stay here, I’m just going to feel sick to my stomach every time I look at you. It’ll always be a reminder of what you stole from me, what I can never get back. I’ll just end up hating you more than I do right now, and the magnitude of that is one I don’t think I can take. Truth be told, when I walk out of this alley, I could never see you again and I’d die the happiest man on the planet.”

Without another word, I turn and walk out of the alley to find Kaylie waiting for me. She slides an arm around my waist and helps me to the car. When she gets in, she starts the engine then turns to me. She places the small stuffed animal in my hands. The feel of the plush material is my undoing, and the tears begin to fall.

Leaning over, she squeezes my shoulder. “I didn’t think you’d want to leave this behind. He may be gone, Kale, but it was out of your hands. Just remember he was always wanted. And maybe we never did get to meet him, but I have faith that he’s somewhere up there in the universe and he knows that. He would’ve been lucky to have had you as a father.”

She keeps talking as she makes the drive to Mom’s house, but I tune her out, unable to hear her reassurances. She’s right. I wanted that kid more than anything. Sure, I was scared as hell when Tara told me she was pregnant. I was a nineteen-year-old college student who worked in a restaurant. But once the initial shock wore off and Tara said yes to my proposal, the idea of starting a family became an exciting one. I enlisted so I could be a provider and be the father I never had. Every single night, when I crawled onto my cot, exhausted, sore as hell, and mentally drained, I envision Tara and my future kid, knowing that every single second spent there was worth it just for them. I never, not in a million years, thought that when I took that oath I’d end up losing the only things I ever wanted.

I’m still reeling from it all as I curl up against the window, the teddy bear acting as my only lifeline, my only link to the child I’ll never meet. In that short car ride, I let all the pain out and decide then and there that I’m far too broken from this to ever let anyone in again. The loss is one that will haunt me. I don’t think I can ever risk going through this again, and I never plan to.